Here For The D

By Dev Honey

Licensed midwife and empowerment guru, Dev Honey brings you the maternity care guide that's all about empowering you to make your own choices. She keeps it real and challenges people to be an active participant in their health, relationship(s) and sex life. No matter your skin color, sexual orientation ev

• Language: English
• Publisher: BIrds and Bees Midwifery LLC
• Release date: Mar 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9798987490211

Book preview

Cover Page for (Here For The D)Title Page for (Here For The D)

Here For The D

A Maternity Care Guide Bringing Humor and Empowerment to the Delivery, Decisions and the Other D

Published by Birds and Bees Midwifery LLC

Smithfield, VA

www.devhoneybooks.com

Copyright 2023 by Melissa Honey

ISBN 979-8-9874902-0-4 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-9874902-1-1 (epub)

Cover photo by Whitney Popp Photography

Author photo by Jessica Rinehart, The Heart of Now Photography Makeup by Noelle Cahoon with Blush757

Editor Dawn Brotherton, Blue Dragon Publishing, LLC

I think it’s only appropriate to dedicate this to moms. They are, after all, the reason for this book. To moms everywhere, you are warriors, and I am so proud of you.

Particularly my mom. I know you wanted me to be ladylike, but I decided to be everything else. I love you.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Let’s Do This Thing

D is for

Not Part of the Plan

The Midwives

The First Trimester

Trauma and Pregnancy

What Are You Putting in Your Mouth?

Boobs, Butts and Vaginas

D is for Dollars

Second Trimester

Guard the Door (For Your Other Half)

The Third Trimester

La Placenta

Labor

What Else Comes Out of Your Body?

D is for Delivery

What Just Happened?

Do I Talk About Vaginas Too Much?

D is for Damn, Girl, Look at You Go

Hello, Baby

You Are What You Think

Key Terms

References

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Introduction

I‘m a working mom with a partner, a family, a social life, religious convictions and a workout plan, who is just trying to stay hydrated and keep her nails fabulous!

Throughout my career, I have found myself recommending a stack of books to pregnant women. This book came out of my desire to sum it up, reduce the overwhelm and remind moms that they got this. You do not have to be a pregnancy expert to be pregnant, or a psychology expert to be a good mom. I try to keep it simple and down to the need-to-know—even though sometimes I include random information or stories just for emphasis and fun. If you want to know more, I encourage you to explore that desire but don’t feel pressured to. A little knowledge, a good care provider, and your intuition are enough.

In running a family, we often feel like we have to know and be everything. We are the financial planner, the chef, the teacher, the therapist, the chauffeur, the mechanic, the housekeeper, the appliance repair person, not to mention all the roles we play for our partners, our jobs, our extended family, our pets and our communities. Pause here, take a deep breath, one . . . two . . . three . . . You are amazing, and worthy and enough exactly how you are now. Without investing, without being the ultimate play-date mom, without reading that stack of books or even this book, without having the newest car, without makeup, without your hair done, without losing the weight or gaining the weight, without following the majority, without upgrading any part of your life or yourself, you are enough right now. You decide what you do with your time, and that is enough of a reason to do anything.

In this book I talk a lot about midwifery care and home birth, because that’s my wheelhouse, but this information is relevant no matter which care provider you use a hospital-based midwife, OB-GYN or no pregnancy care at all. While I recommend having a care provider during pregnancy and birth—even the hands-off kind—I encourage all moms to make the choice that feels best for them, not the fear-based choice but the loving, deeply resonating choice.

Home birth is an option for many moms. When natural birth is safe, people should always feel like they have the ability to choose how and where to birth. If your choice is a hospital or epidural because that is what feels right for you, then that is ideal for you. If circumstances have arisen that make a C-section necessary (history of a C-section does not always make a second C-section necessary, by the way), then you should still feel heard, respected and cared for in that moment.

We, as humans, should be allowed to choose without judgment or fear mongering. My hope for the future is that we open up the discussion and share information in a loving way that allows for our growth. Pregnancy, labor and birth are such personal, monumental experiences, why not make it your own? Why not make all the choices? Be informed, be deeply moved, be in tune with your body and trust what you know. In the words of Nelson Mandela, May your choices reflect your hopes not your fears.

In this book, I try to be all-inclusive and not make any preconceived judgment on the many ways to get pregnant, experience pregnancy and birth, create families, experience/express gender, or any individual’s sexual orientation, religious beliefs, mental health, personal backgrounds, pronouns, relationship status or ethnicity. I am a middle-class, Jewish, white woman, so please excuse any unintentional ignorance in the language I use; I try my best.

I refer to the person who is pregnant as the mom and the woman often throughout this book; however, I acknowledge those individuals that can get pregnant but identify as him/he or them/they. I see you. Your pregnancies are just as valid and just as stunning as anyone’s. Curing the world of hate is outside the realm of this book but maybe it’s a step toward making the world a little better by adding some love, respect and power to the lives of a pregnant person and their families. This book goes out to all those who experience pregnancy and birth, regardless of race, gender, religion, socioeconomic status, age or any other thing that makes us different from one another. It is always in my heart that we can come together as humans and work to repair our brokenness.

You may notice that I use the spelling G-d for the name of a higher power. This is a Jewish practice to prevent desecrating the name. While some sects of Judaism believe the ordinance to not desecrate The Name only applies when it is written in Hebrew, I’d rather not take any chances. When deciding whether to honor my religious beliefs or spell out the name, I felt better leaving the dash. You can apply your own meaning to the name of G-d, no matter how it looks.

Lastly, this book contains what might be considered explicit language. I am a student of languages and so value the importance of the impact of the human language. Pregnancy and birth are just too deep, too big for everyday words; sometimes I need to swear. If this language offends you, hopefully you can get passed it and absorb the information and overall message. If you can’t, this book may not be for you, and that’s okay.

I have two goals for this book. The first is to empower and inform pregnant people. The second is to stir up a discussion about maternity care in the United States. There is room for growth in both these areas, and it will only happen at the hands of people willing to explore their options and confidently choose.

With love, hope, grace and a sense of humor, I offer you—with a D for Delivery, Discussion and the other D word—Here For The D.

Chapter One

Let’s Do This Thing

G-d is good. G-d, protect me and hold me. Thaaaank you, G-d. Praise G-d," she said softly between contractions.

I watched as her belly began to change shape, indicating the contraction was starting.

TRUCK! Truck of shiiiiiit! Holy truck of my mother! CROUTONS!

She let out a long breath when the contraction let go. G-d is good, praise G-d.

And on and on she went, praising G-d and cursing croutons until her baby was tucked warmly in her arms. She took her gaze off her sweet bundle for a moment to look at me and say, Birth is nuts.

I couldn’t agree more, we are part of this wild, spectacular thing that is completely nuts.

Welcome to motherhood/parenthood. You love your child(ren) with immense, unconditional love, and you are so happy when they go to bed. The focus of this book is you, the badass, boundary-setting, empowered, emotionally raw, deep feeling, flowing and pregnant you. Since you’re reading this, I assume you’re pregnant, were pregnant or you are trying to be pregnant. No matter which of those applies, pause here and celebrate. You are amazing. Amazing just for taking this journey! I know, I know. You might not feel amazing, certainly not all the time, but you are ALL the time. You were just made that way.

Ready for the tough love part? It’s time to take a look at yourself, not a mean, over-critical look but an honest, loving look. Turn inward and look at yourself as if you are your own child. You are five years old in your pajamas carrying a bowl of cereal and spilling some milk with every step. You sit down at the table across from your adult self and say, We’ve been negative. We’ve been complaining. We’ve been worrying. Oh my, have we been worrying! We’ve been doubting ourselves. We’ve been feeling worthless. We’ve been fearful. We’ve lacked accountability, and even in moments where we’ve admitted to what we are doing wrong, we lack the discipline to do something about it, but that’s done now.

Now say to your younger self, There is no reason to worry, no reason to doubt, no reason to fear, because I trust myself. I know I am worthy. I know I have faced many difficult things in the past, and I have always been okay; I have always gotten through. I can do it again. I can make anything happen. I can do it better. I am strong, capable, fearless, believing and worthy.

Good, now we can do this.

The first thing I ask of my clients is self-awareness, accountability and discipline. Don’t be afraid to examine yourself and your life. Do you know yourself? Do you trust yourself? Are you living the life that feels best for you? Are you treating people well? Do you have an attitude of gratitude? Are you addressing your insecurities, your fears, your shortcomings, your trauma responses and your limiting beliefs? Hold yourself up to the light and take a look. Look with love, not shame, and strive for something better.

I add discipline, even though we are raised to believe that’s a negative word, because it’s one thing to say I have this bad habit. It’s another thing to get up and do something about it. Self-discipline creates real change, real improvement and real long-term benefits. Self-discipline is an act of self-love.

I have to admit I really like that my bachelor’s of science degree is abbreviated as BS, because, yes, I have a degree in BS, and I can tell when my clients are full of it. It’s time for you to own up to your bullshit. I mean genuine accountability, the stuff that cuts you deep. Being truly in love with ourselves means meeting the parts of us that are not yet parts we’re proud of and moving toward improvement. This is your life, and no one is coming to do the work for you.

Okay, you’ve looked inward; you’ve pulled out your unflattering behavior and decided you are a grown, kind, loving, brave, generous and prosperous woman, and you have some things to slay. Throughout this book, I hope to help with some of the many choices you will make as you form into a mom, for the first or fifteenth time. If you have a care provider who does not give you choices—like real, informed, unbiased, non-fear-based choices—then fight for yourself. If that’s not the care provider for you, keep on steppin’.

Your midwife is not there to tell you what you should do. Your midwife is a guide, there to explain the research to the best of her knowledge, share experiences, encourage you and let you know when something requires a little extra oomph. Your midwife is human and doesn’t know everything, so there may be times when an additional provider or specialist becomes an important part of your team.

Fear should not dictate your decisions. Fear is a tool used to protect us from lions and motivate us to action before we die. Before you make any choice, sit back and ask yourself, are you making this decision from a place of fear, guilt or shame? You’re better than that! Let’s promise each other right now