Not My Fight: Laying It All at the Foot of the Cross

By Brian V. Wieck

As Brian V. Wieck wrote the papers that became the basis for his debut book, The War Within, he learned to forgive his offenders of their trespasses as well as himself of the sins he had committed against God.

As Brian continued to write, he began to feel guilty and unworthy to be loved by God after so many years of anger and depression blamed directly on God. “How could God still love a long-term sinner such as I?” he asked.

As Brian digs deeper into his spiritual needs, he learns the role Jesus Christ plays in the forgiveness of sins. It’s the blood of Jesus that washes away our sins and makes us worthy to stand before God.

Bent, but not broken.

Dinged, but not destroyed.

Accepted, loved, and forgiven.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662473319

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Not My Fight

Laying It All at the Foot of the Cross

Brian V. Wieck

Copyright © 2022 Brian V. Wieck

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2022

ISBN 978-1-6624-7330-2 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-6624-7331-9 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

Special Thanks To

Father God and

His Beloved Son, Jesus

My Wonderful Family

Verlyn and Alma

Susan

Brent and Chris

Justin and Gabby

Kyle

My Entire Church Family

All My Friends at Fresh Hope

(www.freshhope.com)

Foreword

As my emotional roller coaster of healing on this spiritual journey of faith continues, I, too, continue to write papers of encouragement. These pages are not so much on the anger, loneliness, and abandonment that I felt in the past but, rather, on the feelings of guilt and shame that I now feel as a result of my judgmental mentality and my sins. Feelings I must now conquer, as I feel unworthy to be in Christ.

As I muddle through my recovery and give my lost-and-found life to Christ, my sins and past flaws become obvious. At times I want to give up and disappear, but I don’t give up easily. I keep going. All this confession and facing the truth is hard, but a part of me wants to grab on to something new, something different, something stronger.

I want a strong relationship with Jesus Christ, but I still fall victim to my addictions. My light flickers like a candle in the wind. The flame dances and flickers but does not go out. My conscience knows what I think and do, and I know God also knows what I think and do. I can’t help but feel unworthy and racked with guilt and shame. These feelings tear me in half. I want to do what is right by God, but I cave in to what I want.

I know that God created me just as I am. He knows my confusion. On one hand, I should be thankful and praise Him for my safe deliverance from depression; on the other hand, I question my worthiness of His love. I forgive the bullies, drunk driver, and all the adversity I perceive tried to destroy me. I have begun seeing these obstacles instead as a means to build my character and deepen my spirituality. I even look at my psoriasis no longer as an affliction but as a means to grow in God’s love.

The Holy Bible gives us examples of many people who remained faithful to God amid great suffering. Jacob wrestled all night with God; however, in the morning, he asked Him for His blessing. He received it, but his hip became dislocated as a reminder of God’s power (Gen. 32:22–32). The apostle Paul begged God three times, unsuccessfully to have a thorn in the flesh removed from him (2 Cor. 4:18). Through their pain, both Jacob and Paul remained faithful to God.

I, too, must remain focused on God and not my pain. When the pain comes between God and me, I must cry out to Jesus. Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on water but became distracted by the wind and the waves, and upon beginning to sink, he instantly cried out to Jesus, Save me! (Matt. 14:25–31). When pain overtakes me, I must cry out to Jesus, Save me!

As you read Not My Fight, remember that you are reading a work in progress. As hard as it was to confess and confront my guilt and shame and bring them before the Lord, various church groups, and these pages, I did not quit. I kept going as I learned to lay it all at the foot of the cross.

I continue to write and express my concerns to God. Due to my life experiences, I am a loner, an introvert. I am not much of a talker. After a sentence or two, I tend to stumble and go quiet. Writing allows me to take as much time as needed to form the proper words for each thought. I remain with God in thought while I write each line of every page—carefully thought-out and narrated by Him.

I do not want to look back as I write each page of this book, but rather, I want to look forward. My words will dictate my future. I want them to be encouraging and uplifting. My addictions, guilt, and shame may try to bring me down, but that’s when I need to pick up my pen and paper and focus on what is important—God!

By writing about God, I am able to get to a safe, sacred place of victory. It’s not about me anymore. It’s about God. I want this victory to be visible in all I think, say, and do—not for my sake, but for the glory of God. God is the creator of all things, and there is no greater blessing than that of the Creator. Victory in Him is stronger than any of my negative feelings about myself.

Big boys do cry! Healing is hard, and it hurts, but it is worth it as I begin to see the beautiful victory that awaits me in Christ. As healing progresses, so does the strength and glory of God’s grace and joy. I prayed for happiness, but if happiness was not to be granted, then kill me; take me home. God heard my prayers for happiness. He chose to bring me happiness—but in His time, not mine. He has proven Himself worthy to be my Savior, and now I pray that I am worthy to be His servant. Am I really worthy of this honor? Am I really worth dying for? No, and that might be the greatest answer of all—to recognize that I am not worthy of the blessing that God has given to me, but by the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ, I am forgiven and loved.

The greatest love of all: to lay down one’s life for another. Just as my grandfathers put their lives on hold for years to stand by the side of their ill and dying wives, what more could God ask of His children than to remain in Christ until the end? Is there any better way to show my love to God than to give Him my life?

What I am learning about this great love, I want to share with others. I want all people who read this to know that we are all children of God. God loves each and every one of us. We are all honored and treasured by God. As with all good parents, He will work with us and with our sins. He will correct and encourage us, love, forgive, and trust us. He will build on our strengths and tear down our weaknesses; after all, this is not our fight. He has already won.

At fifty-three years old, my life is more than half over; however, I would rather say, I’m almost halfway. Unfortunately, I squandered most of it fighting with God. The clock is ticking; I have much to make up for, but the good news is, I don’t have to make up anything. In Christ it’s all been taken care of. By His blood, all is forgiven. Now I want to spend the rest of my life thanking and praising Him.

It’s not my past but my future that God holds near and dear to His heart. I am on an assignment. I am a servant of the Lord; I am a temporary resident of this body on this earth. What I say and do here doesn’t remain here. This life and its experiences are preparing me for the rest of my spiritual journey toward my permanent home in heaven with my Savior and Father.

What I do with my body is up to me, but it should reflect my love of God—not man, not self. I am responsible, and I want to be reliable. Satan can tempt me, but Jesus will save me, if I lay everything I am at the foot of the cross.

Here I am, Lord. Give me wisdom to identify the temptations and lies of the enemy. Build in me strength to fight and claim victory over the enemy’s temptations and lies. Create in me your love and faith to overpower these temptations and lies. Instill in me peace and joy to spread the truth of God’s overwhelming love.

Thank You, Father, for the sacrifice of Your Son. Thank You, Jesus, for the blessings passed on to me through the shedding of Your blood on the Cross.

Thank You, Father, for the mercy shown to me despite all I said and did and continue to do. Your mercy and love are indeed stronger than any condemnation that the enemy will throw at me.

Thank You, Jesus, for the blood You’ve shed to save a person like me. Your love and faithfulness to me are greatly understated. I will try to be more like you and less like me. Empty me of me so I can be led by Your Holy Spirit for a beautiful victory in Christ.

Lord, I can’t put into words the depth of appreciation I feel for sacrificing your life for me. I cannot comprehend the pain you went through to lessen mine. I pray I can live up to your expectations and carry out the desires you put into my heart and cast aside my own earthly desires.

Lord, allow me to continue to grow in Your love and wisdom. Show me the way to remain in Your favor and Your peace. Lord, give me the strength to witness and testify to your saving grace as I learn to lay it all at the foot of the cross.

In the wonderful love of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

CHAPTER 1

Found

Lost and Found

Why is it that a guy will not ask directions when he is lost? I can be completely lost, but I tend to believe that I knew the way even when I am bewildered beyond belief. I will drive in circles, turn around, backtrack, stop, and think, but I just won’t ask for directions. I will go down the same road three times before I will even consider the remote, though there might be a slight chance that I could be…lost.

Why is this? Stubbornness? Arrogance? Ignorance? Pride? Shame? Other?

I was never lost to God. I may have been misguided by man and his beliefs, and I may have placed my trust in the things of this world, but I was never lost to God. He knew exactly where I was and what I needed to get to where I was going. No matter how I felt, I was being guided by God and misguided by Satan.

I had to endure the struggles and suffer through the trials, casting my care before God in prayer, asking that someday this misery would end and I would be delivered safely through this crisis. When feelings of unworthiness brought on by guilt and shame appeared, I had to rely solely on faith and hope of Jesus Christ. I had to make a conscious effort to overcome those feelings. I had to make a personal decision to have a healthy, sanctified, and redeemed life in Christ Jesus.

My faith needs to grow with me as I learn to express myself humbly before the Lord. I need to surrender all to Him and pray for forgiveness for my being lost and for thanksgiving for my being found. The living God gave me enough hope to bring me through my trials and divine protection to instill in me His faith for my deliverance, both spiritual and physical.

Struggles and suffering come in all shapes and sizes, but God’s mercy was always with me to carry me through, even if I couldn’t see or feel them at the time. I’ve endured enough to know that, looking back at my life, I can say that Jesus Christ was alongside me every step of the way. It was I that was lost!

I still need to learn a great deal about faith and hope as I continue to grow in Christ. As I look back now, I see the beauty He crafted from my brokenness. My failures and sorrows have been brought into the light, not in a bad way, as in the past, but in an enlightening way. I glorify God and praise Him for my safe return.

God knew my limits and the pressure I could bear and gave me enough hope and faith to survive. He allowed the enemy to push me around, to the brink of suicide, before reviving the Spirit of Christ within me. He was standing quietly beside me, surrounding me with His Love while He waited for me to wake up and remember him, to ask for His help.

As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. (James 5:11)

By refocusing and reshaping my life and finding myself living within sight of Jesus, my attitude and perspective on life and God are reformed into what God planned for me all along. I realize the wrongs I have done as I reflect on the way I conducted myself during my early life. The wants and desires I once had are all worthless to me now; however, the temptations continue to surface as I fight to break the old habits.

The way to remain found is through prayer. Prayer balances the guilt and shame I feel to the love, mercy, and forgiveness given to me by Jesus Christ through His blood shed on the cross for my sins. By living my life in prayer, I hope to someday shed these earthly sins and live a life steeped in Christ. I want my prayers to restore my awareness of my faith so that I may change and become more alert to the calling of Christ.

I want to remain close to my Savior who paid for my freedom and saw my safe return to Him. I don’t want to give in to the enemy any longer. I am found, and I will remain found regardless of the path my life takes me. I will remain in habitual prayer of thanksgiving and praise for salvation.

I am compelled to witness the love and grace that delivered me through my despair and continues to strengthen me for the next stretch of my journey. Nothing scares me more than the thought of falling back into the lost. Focusing on the future is a priority. What I need most is a constant reminder of God’s love for me, His willingness to forgive my offenses, and His help to continue to build my life in total dependence upon Him, trusting in Him. Perhaps this is the reason that my chronic pains have yet to be healed.

God is so easy to love that I just fall into his arms, now that the enemy has been defeated. It was the enemy that kept me blind to God’s love, deaf to His forgiveness, and dumb to His Word and praise. There is something different, something new about the nature of God and the nurturing of His Word that I find true and inspiring. He doesn’t need my love, but He desires it from me; I must wantingly give it to Him. He won’t take it, but He will gladly accept it if it’s freely given.

What’s to complain about when it comes to God’s love? What about the time and trouble to pray? The energy required to remain in full faith of God through prayer? The expense? His love is free. Maybe it’s the planning or privacy that is an issue. Whatever it is, it’s never a problem when my priorities are in line with God’s will.

When I praise and witness for the glory of God, I want to do so with faith and strength, courage and commitment, truth and discipline—not with my strength, but His; not with my opinions, but His truth. He loves and accepts me just as I am.

I was lost and found to serve not only others but also God. I was found worthy to serve God and to use my spiritual gifts to proclaim His glory. I have learned to always give God the praise, thanks, and glory, even if I don’t see the plan behind the problem. How much easier my life has become since I put God’s praise and glory before my own and built my faith upon scripture for strength, comfort, and endurance.

By giving God the glory, I am perfectly comfortable giving my life over to Him. My love is expanding to include others, and it is easier for me to serve and witness the glory of God. It’s not a pain but a privilege. It’s not by fear but by faith that I remain found.

His benefits are endless. Victory over victim and triumph over tragedy are all for the greater glory of God. The rest of my life I will spend reminding myself of the importance of remaining in prayer for the glory of God, to speak the truth of God’s deliverance from evil and to act according to God’s will. This will not be lost in vain, nor will I be rewarded as I maintain a strong spiritual presence in the Lord.

I admit that I used to live in an I want it all and I want it now mentality. I found myself yelling at God. I would fall back on my old self-gratifying habits of wants and desires instead of calling on God. I would be satisfied for a while but ultimately would end up feeling guilty, shameful, and unworthy.

Even now, I still feel myself wanting, waiting, and wishing for something to happen. In this case, it’s the release of my debut book, The War Within. It’s coming out. I want it all now. I want it sold. I want success. I know now I need to humble myself before God and pray and wait for Him to do His will. God brought me this far, and I believe He won’t let me down now. Whatever happens with the book is up to God. He helped me write it, and He’ll help me sell it as needed.

I am anxious and impatient, but through faith and prayer, I will wait because I know in my heart that God knows what is best for me. He will meet my needs. I will remain humble and patient, and by prayer and petition, God will make it happen. If it doesn’t happen, I will remain faithful through prayers of thanksgiving for the opportunity to serve the Lord.

I didn’t do this on my own. God did it! He taught me what I needed to know. He put the words in my mind onto the paper. He used me to bring glory to Himself and wisdom to me. I humble myself as a child to his parent and knowing that it was the Lord that makes all things happen.

I hope and pray that change is really this simple. It took me forty-five years to come to this conclusion. I often wonder what would have happened if I had come to the Lord earlier. Would I have learned the right lessons? Would the suffering of Christ Jesus mean as much to me if I had not suffered?

Only God knows the answers to these questions and so many more, and in due time, my questions will be answered. God has a plan for my life. He allowed me to suffer so that I may learn from each experience and make better decisions regarding my future with Him in eternity.

For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as his sons and daughters through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will—to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given to us in love. (Ephesians 1:4–6)

Only success in fulfilling the Word of God will bring true peace to this lost-and-found world. God will not force me to do anything I don’t want to do. I am surprised by the direction in which my life is going, and I know I owe it to God. My faith in Jesus Christ has brought me unexpected benefits. I accept His discipline and deliverance and reject the evil one’s lies and deceptions in my life.

Satan’s constant lost-and-found relationship with me has been strong. I believed his lies and fell for his temptations. I still sometimes do. He hates me for my love of God and what I represent. He will relentlessly come between God and myself in any way possible. He wants me to feel guilty and unworthy. He constantly brings my shame up before me in hopes of destroying any hope I have in being sanctified by the Lord.

Satan works in secret at first, establishing a foothold, and then, like a cancer within my body, he starts killing the God cells and replacing them with lies. He never announces