Roses

By Brinda Gress

Mommy turned her attention to Kelli and me. She ruffled her trembling hands through our hair, and said, "My poor babies, how could he do this to you? Things are going to be different from now on." Although I was only seven years old at the time, I could never forget the words my mother uttered on the night my father committed suicide or how true her words would prove to be. A couple of cartoon royal sisters made popularized the bond that only sisters could share and this novel demonstrates that same power. It is told through the eyes of a child who lived through it. The story begins when Mari's father commits suicide. Her mother suddenly has to find employment to care for Mari (age seven) and her younger sister Kelli (age 4). Mari narrates her journey through a neglectful mother, abusive step-father, separation from her beloved sister through foster care, adoption and eventually a reunion. The story emphasizes the bond between the sisters through life's journey and struggles. Mari's tireless search for her sister in spite of numerous roadblocks although fiction; resembles the trials many children face when trying to relocate siblings lost through the court system.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 16, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098060053

Book preview

1

Although I was only seven years old at the time, I could never forget the words my mother uttered on the night my father committed suicide or how true her words would prove to be.

After the police officer left that night, our mother sat us down and explained to us that real life wasn’t like cartoons. She said that when real people jumped out of buildings, they didn’t just iron out the wrinkles and go on. We realized we had to accept that our daddy, who had called us his favorite girls, was gone and was never coming back.

My father’s funeral was three days after his death. I remember it as a blurry, gray day in which a bunch of strangers, who claimed to be family, gathered around and cried. Kelli and I tried to stick together because relatives we had never met kept trying to get us to hug them. We were both terrified during the entire event. We had to go see our Daddy lying in a coffin. Kelli tried to wake him, but I told her dead meant he couldn’t wake up anymore. Mommy had to carry her out because she was crying too hard to walk. After the funeral, we had to go to a luncheon at our church where more strangers, claiming to be relatives, pinched our cheeks and pretended they knew us. We ended up going into the kitchen, where the kind ladies from our church were busy trying to feed all of Daddy’s relatives. They gave us some treats and hugs then sent us back out to be with Mommy, telling us she needed us.

During the day, I heard someone say something about Daddy’s life insurance, and how Mommy wouldn’t get any money. They said since it was suicide, Mommy would lose out on all of his benefits. I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew it was bad. Someone else said Daddy was selfish because not only had he thrown his life away, he had messed up ours as well.

I didn’t understand what they were talking about, but I knew they acted angry at Daddy for some reason. It upset me to hear people saying bad things about my daddy. He hadn’t done anything bad; he couldn’t have. He was the most wonderful caring person in the world, and he was gone. Those people were supposed to be his family, why were they being mean? It wasn’t until years later that I began to understand just how selfish my father had truly been.

The day after the funeral, our mother left Kelli and me with a babysitter and went out looking for a job. She seemed a little nervous and upset when she dropped us off. She smiled and told us she’d be back soon, but her smile seemed a little less confident than she wanted us to believe.

Mommy came back to pick us up that night, looking tired and depressed. When we got home, Kelli asked for dinner, but Mommy said she was too tired to do anything. She said she’d make it later. At about seven-thirty, Kelli and I were put to bed without dinner. Kelli asked again, but Mommy just ignored her.

While we were lying in our beds that night, wondering what had made Mommy so upset, Kelli started to cry.

Mari, she said. Does Mommy not like us anymore?

She’s got to still like us, Kelli. Mommies don’t ever stop liking their kids, do they?

Don’t know, but Mommy didn’t act like she still likes us, Kelli sobbed.

You and me don’t always act like we like each other, but we always still do, don’t we?

Guess so, she answered.

So that means Mommy’s always gonna like us, I told her.

You sure? she asked.

Yeah, Kelli, I’m sure.

Is Mommy gonna be mean tomorrow?

No, she’ll be nice again, just like always, I reassured her.

Promise? she asked.

I promise, I said with more confidence than I felt.

Okay good, ’cause I’m hungry an’ Mommy better not be too tired ta cook breakfast.

Don’t worry, we’ll get breakfast.

’Kay, night, Mari, she said.

Night, Kelli.

Reassuring Kelli was much easier than convincing myself that our mother still cared about us. As I lay in my bed trying to fall asleep, I began to picture what the rest of my life would be like without Daddy. It would be made even worse if Mommy continued to act tired and irritable. No matter how hard I tried to believe the encouraging words I had told my four-year-old sister, I knew in my heart that our lives were never going to be the way they had once been. I was lying awake worrying about everything when Freckles jumped onto my bed. He put his face right up next to mine as if to say he understood. I said a quick prayer asking God to take care of Daddy in heaven and to help us continue our lives without him. I then buried my face in Freckle’s fur and fell asleep with the thought that no matter what happened, I had to protect Kelli.

The next morning while Kelli, Mommy, and I were eating breakfast, I noticed that the three roses in the center of the table were fading and beginning to wilt. The last reminder of Daddy was dying, just as he had.

After breakfast, Mommy took us to the babysitter’s house again. She promised to be back later with some good news. When she did return though, she looked even more tired and grouchy than she had the day before.

Kelli didn’t have a chance to ask her about supper, before she sent us to our room to play. She said she had too many things to do to worry about kids. She mumbled something about having to find a job or we’d all starve then turned on her computer and started looking at the want ads.

That night turned out to be the second in a row, in which Kelli and I fell asleep hungry. Sometime during the night, I woke up and heard Kelli crying. Since she didn’t say anything to me, I decided it was best to just leave her alone. As I lay there listening to my little sister’s muffled sobs, I desperately hoped Mommy would find a job soon. I prayed again that things would be okay.

The last days of summer vacation were all spent the same way. Mommy would leave us with the babysitter each morning and return each night in a worse mood than she had been in the day before. Kelli and I began to get used to getting by without our evening meal because Mommy was always either too tired or too busy to fix it. All she would do in the evenings was look through the want ads and complain about those lousy people who wouldn’t hire her. Kelli and I spent most of our time in our room because we didn’t want to hear Mommy complain.

The first morning of school began in a very strange way. Mommy was almost cheerful when she woke Kelli and me for breakfast.

Well, Mari, she said as we sat down at the table. Are you ready for your first day of second grade?

Guess so, I answered.

I don’t want Mari to go to school ’cause I don’t wanna go to the babysitter by myself, Kelli cried.

Don’t worry, Kelli. You’ll have fun, and when I get there, I can tell you all about what I did at school. Won’t that be fun? I asked.

Can we play school?

If you want to, I said.

I want to.

Okay, I said. We’ll play school as soon as I get back.

Okay, I’ll go to the babysitter, Kelli grinned. She glanced at the empty space in the center of the table where the roses had once been and quickly changed the subject. Mommy, why are the flowers gone? she asked.

Because they died, Kelli. I had to throw them away, Mommy answered.

But Daddy gave ’em to us, Kelli whined.

The flowers went to be with Daddy, so he’d remember us, I said.

Why didn’t Daddy just stay here with the flowers?

I don’t know, Kelli, I guess he just had to go away, I answered.

Would you two be quiet? I don’t want to hear you talk about your father anymore. He’s gone, he’s not coming back, and that’s just all there is to it! Mommy shouted.

But… Kelli started to say something, but she burst into tears before she could finish. I jumped up, ran to her side of the table, and hugged her.

Don’t worry, Kelli, it’s gonna be okay, I said.

Mari, get back to your chair and eat your breakfast. You can’t be late for your first day of school! Mommy snapped.

Okay, I said and reluctantly let go of my little sister. I went back to my breakfast, but at that moment, I hated my mother. She had turned from a warm, caring mommy into a cold, hateful stranger. I was too young to understand what Mommy was going through. I only knew that Kelli and I couldn’t depend on our mommy to always be there for us anymore. I felt like it was up to me to take care of my baby sister, and I was still a child.

Kelli started to cry when Mommy left her with the babysitter that morning. I reminded her about playing school later, and she calmed down. When Mommy picked us up that evening, I tried to tell her about my first day of second grade, but she said she didn’t have time to listen to silly school stories. I felt like crying, until Kelli told me she wanted to hear all about it. She had already heard some of my stories before Mommy picked us up, but she wanted to hear everything. I realized then that even if Mommy didn’t care anymore, Kelli and I would stick together.

2

Mommy started talking about how she wouldn’t be able to afford a babysitter much longer. One day, she said something about applying for welfare. Then it happened, the day I had been waiting for. That night, when Mommy picked Kelli and me up, she seemed extremely happy about something.

My babies, Mommy almost gushed when we walked into our house. Things are going to be different from now on.

Oh, no, I thought, the last time she said that, our lives fell apart.

I got a job! she almost shouted with joy.

Super! I screamed back with a huge smile on my face. What kinda’ job?

Nothing special. I have to wait tables at a restaurant, but it’s a job, Mari. We won’t have to go on welfare after all.

Super! I shouted again.

What’s super? Kelli asked.

Mommy got a job, so we’re gonna have money and get to eat dinner again, I explained.

Really? Kelli asked.

Yes, really, honey, for starters, I’m going to cook you the best supper you’ve ever had, right now, Mommy said.

You sure? Kelli couldn’t seem to understand the sudden change.

Positive, now you and Mari go play. I’ll call you when supper’s ready, Mommy replied as she gently pushed us toward the family room.

We went to the family room and got a few toys out. Kelli looked completely confused, but she didn’t ask any more questions. I was a little confused about everything myself. I knew Mommy had needed a job so we could have money, but I didn’t understand how it could make such a sudden change. Maybe, I thought, I’ll understand when I’m older, like Mommy.

I didn’t care what had made Mommy change, as long as she was our mommy again. I could tell that even if Kelli was confused, she felt the same way I did. We finally had our mommy back, and our lives were going to return to normal.

That night, Mommy fixed all of our favorite foods. We had spaghetti for Kelli, chicken for Mommy, and chocolate cake for me. Mommy told us all about her new job, and then she asked me about school. After supper, she even took time to read a story to us. It was almost ten o’clock before she finally made us go to bed. She tucked us in and said prayers with us, as she had before Daddy died. I added my own silent Thank you to the end of it.

Kelli and I were both too excited to go to sleep right away. After Mommy tucked us into our beds and went to her room, Kelli sat up and began talking nonstop. She asked all kinds of questions about why Mommy had been so mean since Daddy went away, and why she was suddenly so happy again. I didn’t know the answers to most of her questions, but I knew that day had been the best day since Daddy had died for both of us. Her constant stream of questions continued for nearly an hour before she finally fell asleep.

Mommy was bright and cheerful again the next morning, as she got ready for her first day of work. I actually began to believe that everything was going to be okay again. I was happy all day at school, even though I was tired from staying up so late. When my bus let me off at the babysitter’s house, Kelli seemed as excited and happy as I was. We were both anxious for Mommy to get back. We wanted to hear all about her first day at her new job. When Mommy picked us up that night though, she was obviously in a bad mood again. I asked her how the first day of work was, and she just sort of growled and then ignored us the rest of the way home. When we got out of the car, Mommy walked slowly behind us. When she finally got to the house, she unlocked the door, walked to the family room, and collapsed in a chair.

What’s the matter, Mommy? Kelli asked while I closed the door.

I’m tired. My feet hurt, my head hurts, and just about every other part of my body hurts, Mommy answered.

Why? Kelli asked.

Because I have to work to make money so we don’t starve to death! Those ungrateful people come in to eat, and they all want their food at the same time. It’s awful, I hate it! If I had any choice, I’d quit that job in a minute.

You can find another job, Kelli remarked.

It took me forever to find this one. I doubt that I’ll find another one soon. I wish I could because this job is barely going to pay for your babysitter. I doubt that it will pay for much more than that. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hate your father for what he did to us, she snapped.

Just keep looking for another job, I said.

I’m just too tired. Why don’t both of you go to your room and leave me alone? she scolded.

But Mommy— Kelli began.

Don’t ‘but Mommy’ me, just get out of here, Mommy interrupted.

Kelli started to cry. I grabbed her hand and tried to pull her toward the stairs.

C’mon, Kelli, let Mommy rest. She’ll be okay in a minute, I said.

But…. Kelli planted her feet on the floor and refused to move.

Shh, don’t say it, just come on, I scolded.

But… Kelli still wouldn’t follow me.

Kelli, come on! I yelled.

No, she screamed.

Why? I demanded.

Mommy’s bein’ mean, and I don’t like it. I’m hungry, and I want supper, Kelli shouted.

Later, Kelli, I yelled, pulling harder on her arm. She lost her balance and fell to the floor. She started screaming, then jumped up, and hit me. I hit her back and ran toward the stairs. She chased me up the stairs. I ran into our bedroom, just ahead of her, and slammed the door. She was pounding on the door and screaming when Mommy came running up the stairs. I heard a loud thud, and then the door flew open. Mommy ran into the room followed by Kelli, who had a red spot on her forehead.

Stop this fighting, Mommy shouted. Can’t you see how tired I am?

I’m sorry, Mommy, I said.

Just shut up and play quietly for the rest of the evening! I’ve put up with enough mouthiness for one day, Mommy complained.

Okay, Kelli and I said together.

Good, because if I have to come up here again, there’s going to be trouble. Do you understand? Mommy asked.

Yes, we answered.

All right, I’m going back downstairs. You two better be good, Mommy said as she turned and walked away.

Kelli started to cry when Mommy was out of the room. She put her hand up and began rubbing the spot on her forehead. It was swelling and was beginning to turn a bluish-purple color.

What happened to your head? Did you run into the door? I asked.

Mommy pushed me inta the wall, Kelli pouted.

I don’t like Mommy anymore, she’s mean, I said.

We gotta like Mommy, Kelli said.

Why? I asked.

’Cause she’s our mommy, Kelli answered.

So? I said.

Kids can’t stop likin’ their mommies. You told me that Mommies always had to like their kids. Kids always have to like their mommies too, don’t they? Kelli asked.

They don’t if their mommies are mean, I said.

She’s just tired. That’s what you said, Kelli defended.

She didn’t have to push you even if she was tired. When she’s nice again, I’ll like her again, I said.

Me too, Kelli agreed.

We didn’t see Mommy again that night. We waited until an hour past our bedtime for her to come up and tell us good night. She never came. Kelli and I finally climbed into our beds without dinner again. Neither of us mentioned Mommy, but I knew we were both wondering why she hadn’t come to tuck us into bed. I decided maybe I could pray with Kelli, since Mommy didn’t. We prayed again for things to get better and hoped it would last more than one day this time. Mommy had a job again, but it seemed that she still wasn’t going to have time for Kelli and me. I wondered if our lives were ever going to be happy again.

3

When I woke up the next morning, I wondered why Mommy hadn’t come in to get us out of bed. It was already past the time we usually got up for breakfast. Mommy had forgotten to make us dinner a few times, but she had never forgotten to wake us up before. I quickly woke Kelli and helped her get dressed.

After we were both dressed, we went to find Mommy. When we didn’t find her in her bedroom, we went downstairs. The sound of the television greeted us as we walked into the family room.

Why’s she watchin’ TV? Kelli whispered.

Don’t know, Kelli, I answered.

We walked toward the television, and when we walked around the front of the sofa, we found Mommy sprawled out on it sound asleep. There were a few empty beer cans on the coffee table. Mommy never drank beer before that I knew of. Daddy drank a little of it, and Mommy would always tell him it was bad for him.

What’s wrong with her, Mari? Kelli asked.

See those cans of stuff on the coffee table? I asked her.

Yeah, she answered.

Mommy used to tell Daddy he was drunk when she saw him drink that.

What are we s’posed ta do? Kelli asked.

Guess we wake her up before she makes me late for school, I answered.

How we gonna wake her up?

Same way she wakes us up, shake her, and yell at her, I said.

Okay, Kelli said without confidence.

We tried my idea for a few minutes without any success. Mommy moaned and rolled over once, but she didn’t wake up. Finally, we realized that we had to try something else.

Okay, Kelli, I said. Go get a glass of cold water.

Why? she asked.

Just ’cause.

Okay, she said as she hurried away and came back a couple minutes later with the water. I took it from her and poured it on Mommy’s face.

Run! I shouted to Kelli as Mommy began to spit, splutter, and wake up.

We just slipped through the kitchen door when we heard her start screaming at us.

How dare you, little brats, pour water on me? she yelled. You’re both going to be in big trouble. She came running into the kitchen to find us. Kelli and I tried to hide, but she caught us. She grabbed my hair and pulled my head back.

Mari, she scolded. Don’t ever do anything like that again! Do you understand?

Yes, but…

No buts. If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I won’t let you live here anymore!

But, Mommy, I said.

I said no buts.

But…

Shut up! she screamed and slapped me hard across the face. I tried to turn my head, but she was still holding onto my hair. All I could do was stand there and let her slap me. She pulled her hand back to slap me a second time, but Kelli ran over and bit Mommy’s hand.

Mommy screamed, let go of me, and hit Kelli violently with the back of her hand. Kelli fell backward, hit her head on the table leg, and started to cry. I ran over to her and found a large cut on her head. Blood was dripping from the strands of her hair.

Mommy! I shouted. Look what you did! Kelli’s bleeding!

Mommy bent down, looked at the blood, frowned slightly, and said, So what, she deserved it.

She did not, I cried.

Oh, just shut up, Mommy groaned. She started to walk out of the kitchen, and then she turned and glanced at the clock. Oh no! she shouted. I’m going to be late! Mari, get Kelli cleaned up while I get dressed, and hurry!

Mommy, she needs a doctor! I cried.

Just clean her up and put a Band-Aid on it. She’ll be fine. Cuts on the head always bleed a lot, Mommy said as she turned to run out of the room.

What ’bout breakfast? Kelli asked.

We don’t have time for breakfast. You’ll just have to wait for lunch. That’s what you get for making me late. With that, Mommy stormed out of the kitchen.

Kelli and I looked at each other, I shrugged my shoulders, and she smiled. We both went to the bathroom to wash the blood out of her hair.

A few minutes later, Mommy came back down the stairs and rushed us out the door. When we arrived at the babysitter’s house, Mommy hurried us out of the car. The babysitter noticed the red streaks on my face and the bandage on Kelli’s head. What happened to you two? she asked. Kelli and I looked at each other cautiously, but before we had a chance to answer, Mommy answered for us, They got into a fight, and Kelli hit her head on the table. I’m a little worried about that cut on her head. You might want to keep an eye on it. I’d stay home with her to make sure everything is okay, but this is only my second day of work. I can’t really miss a day already.

I understand. Don’t worry about it. She’ll be fine. I’ll see you tonight, the babysitter purred.

Sure thing, Mommy said as she pushed me outside.

Don’t say a word, Mommy said when we were in the car going to my school.

Huh? I asked.

You know I lied back there, but I could get into big trouble if I told her the truth. Don’t tell anyone at school about this either.

Okay, I mumbled.

"I promise it won’t happen again. I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. You two really did behave badly.