Years of Free Caregiving: (How to Survive)

By Emalene Wilcox

There are many phases to free caregiving, and each one is different. You do it for various reasons-some because of love; some for reward, not monetary but for the satisfaction that you have helped someone; and others the obligation or necessity to do it. I was involved from age ten to ninety, just one among the forty-three million in the United States today, in giving care. I am now almost ninety-five, living in a nice assisted living facility, and the recipient of care myself. I wrote this book to reveal how I was able to cope, always trying to maintain a sense of humor and a positive attitude. It requires patience, prayer, and push.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 2, 2020
• ISBN: 9781644685280

Book preview

Chapter 1

The Many Types of Caregiving

No doubt you have heard the wise saying, If you want to be happy for an hour, read a book. If you want to be happy for a day, take a trip. But to be happy for a lifetime, do something for someone else. If it’s caring for someone else with special needs, it may not seem so pleasant; but at the end of the journey, there is satisfaction and a rewarding feeling.

In the United States today, there are many involved in this most stressful endeavor. It is estimated that there are forty million or more Americans rendering thirty-seven billion hours of unpaid caregiving amount worth $470 billion. This number is expected to grow as the baby boomers age and require care. Added to this are the thousands who work for various agencies, alliances, senior citizen groups, and private and corporate services such as Visiting Angels, Comefor Care, Addis, No Place Like Home, Right at Home, etc.

Nursing homes, assisted living, and rehab and recovery facilities are increasing as people are living much longer. Those who are engaged in caring for aging parents, children with special needs, and one spouse caring for the other one are always searching for information, any financial help available, information to increase their ability to give the care, medical information, and how to cope—often from support groups.

Are you a caregiver? In each lifetime, a large percentage of the population will be one in various ways. There are many phases to this broad base. It is hard to say which of the ways is more difficult to cope with. Isn’t every parent a caregiver? Isn’t every nurse in a hospital, clinic, or home visitor? For the animal lovers, they would say they spend lots of time caring for their pets. (Sadly, more money is often spent on animals than on children). How about grandparents? Many are caring for grandchildren when their own health is lacking. Many men are caring for spouses and children. Veteran’s care has become such a huge task. Hospice has brought loving and special care in final hours. When I went to see a friend who was dying from cancer, I observed a lady from Hospice doing all she could to make the patient comfortable.

Stress is such a factor, especially on the ones who care for family in the home. Burnout often takes over, and we need to know when to let go and make other arrangements for the care. Hospital stays are being shortened due to costs, which has shifted the burden to home and family. The one who deals with dementia and Alzheimer’s has a double task. Blind, stroke patients, wheelchair patients, and other disabilities require strength from the caregiver as well as a great amount of patience.

There are those who must see to the needs of loved ones who live a great distance away. Managing their enlisted care and anxiety of their daily needs has become more common as families are separated by miles.

Why am I writing this book? I am in my nineties and have spent a lifetime of caregiving, unpaid, in addition to working outside the home for forty years, rearing a family and remaining active in my church and other organizations. I guess it is love and concern, not only for your immediate family but also for extended family and friends. You can endure! While doing, we may overestimate our strength and rationalize our own failures. If we think someone else could do a better job, we will get discouraged. If we have too much pride to do the lowly jobs in taking care of people, you will quit and rob yourself of any joy or satisfaction for having cared.

Ben Carson quotes, Humility doesn’t mean thinking less of yourself as no good but just thinking more of others than yourself all the time.

Just remember, though time will seem to drag on with no end in sight, it will eventually come. If you are a spiritual person, prayer helps. In Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life, he gives good advice, Put God in the driver’s seat of your life and take your hands off the steering wheel. Remember Job in the Bible!

Chapter 2

Starting Young

Do you think she could come help Paula with the baby for about two weeks? I heard my uncle Curtis ask my mother.

I don’t see any reason why she couldn’t. I’ll ask her if she would, my mom replied.

Oh my! I thought, He wants my older sister Ina to do this and I will be by myself with no one to play with. It was the summer of 1935 during the heart of the depression. I was about two months shy of my tenth birthday. School was out, and there was not much to do. It had been necessary for us to move from town some twenty miles away to a farm my father had wisely purchased years earlier in the 1920s.

And then I learned my uncle was talking about me. I had always idolized my uncle somewhat. He was ten years older than me and a handsome young man. He had a beautiful horse named Lex that he rode to high school three-plus miles. This was not unusual in rural areas at that time. He often carried me to the car when I was a preschooler and went to sleep while we were visiting my grandparents.

Giving birth during this period was much different than today. Doctors came to the home to make the delivery, usually assisted by a family member or friendly neighbor. Mothers spent fourteen days in bed. It was the general opinion that it took that long to recover physically. Only in complicated situations or fear of death were mothers taken to the hospital.

I was excited about going into the small town where they lived and felt so pleased to be asked. I felt so grown up but knew little about what caregiving meant. I was always a bit more mature for my age would indicate since I had an older sister and was a year ahead in school. I would learn a lot in two weeks. I had never been around tiny babies.

This was a type of caregiving that few would think about in this day and time. Of course, there were few bathrooms and no running water in most homes. It is a fact that if you have never had a convenience, you don’t miss it. Cleanliness was always a priority in our home and our extended family. It can be practiced and achieved if you put forth effort.

So what did I do? Aunt Paula would guide me. I would bring pans of water to the bedside for her to bath the tiny girl and another pan for her to hand bath herself sitting on the side of the bed. I was a carrier of vessels for the lowly jobs.

Service to others is motivated by love. (Often today, it is more motivated for financial need.) But overall, more care is given currently by families in the home than paid help.

I watched my aunt as she changed the baby’s diapers. I would bring these to her and the bands that were used around the middle until the umbilical cord healed. Much of what I experienced was kept in mind and helped me when I had children later in life.

I don’t recall washing clothes. Of course, there were no washing machines then. I suppose this was done by another older family member. I do remember the second week I was told I could walk downtown (several blocks). I had ten cents to buy some candy. I had a dime or two tied in a corner of a handkerchief that Mom had put with my clothes. I didn’t do much cooking. My uncle worked at a grocery store; he would bring some food home and we managed. The can opener got lots of use. Later he bought the grocery store, and I worked for him extra on Saturdays when I was a teenager, $1 dollar a day.

I heated some water on the stove and took a bath in a galvanized washtub—our way of bathing back then. I learned about Ivory soap and that it was 99.44 percent pure. We had used Lux, Camay, and Palmolive previously but no Ivory. Somehow, this remains a vivid memory!

When my two weeks had ended, I decided I would like to become a nurse and told my mother when I got home. She said, You’re young. You can decide later about that. As the years came and went, I discovered my goal changed. I couldn’t go to school to become a registered nurse, not even a CNA, but I would give care and perform some of the same duties to my loved ones for the rest of my life. I have read that thinking of others is a mark of maturity. If you’re not sure of what you would like to do, start working or serving and your gifts or what you do well will be revealed.

I’ve always been proud of that little one I helped. She grew up, went to college, and was a high school teacher for many years. We’ve stayed in touch.

Again, referring to Rick Warren’s book, Life Minus Love Equals Zero, love lasts forever. Love leaves a legacy. Love is the secret of lasting heritage. On our bed at death, nothing matters but having our loved ones around us. In eternity, we will be evaluated by our love. The best expression of love is giving our time and how much we give of ourselves. You can