Puppies and Napalm: The Extradimensional Madness of the Prophets

By Jason Malott

Long ago, prophets spoke the word of God to the people. These prophets were full of zeal and sometimes madness. God got as creative as he could with this eccentric bunch. He had some of them lay on their side in the mud for days; some of them he showed visions of alien spacecrafts and creatures with eyes all over their body. Their words crossed other dimensions and predicted future events.

He spoke through them to a nation that had lost its way.

Just a little like us today. Can I get an amen?

This book is written to the church of America, the lost, shinning beacon of hope, the great imperialist empire once called a "Christian nation" that never was.

This book is to everyone who feels like something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong with us. This book is for those who are tired of a group of people trying to scare us into believing in a god that wants to burn us. What else should I call it?

Puppies and Napalm.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9798885405379

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Puppies and Napalm

The Extradimensional Madness of the Prophets

Jason Malott

ISBN 979-8-88540-536-2 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88540-579-9 (hardcover)

ISBN 979-8-88540-537-9 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by Jason Malott

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

All references to Scripture are taken from the English Standard Version (ESV) of the Holy Bible unless otherwise stated.

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction: Puppies and Napalm (with Jonah the Prophet)

Puppies and Napalm with Jonah the Prophet

University of Cincinnati, Veterans Day 1968

It's Okay to Shoot Obadiah

Hell-bound with Pinhead and Jeremy the Prophet

Onward, Christian Social Justice Warriors: The Annihilation of the Opulent with Famous Amos

This Doesn't Mean That, but We Are Making Things Great Again! (The Lamentations of Jeremiah)

Who Painted the Ark? (With David the Dancing Prophet)

Fear, Loathing, and Everything Phony: The Gonzo Report by Old Zeke and Prophet S. Thompson

The Mental Health Chapter (With Elijah)

Talking in Tongues (With the Prophet Joel)

Hosea Doesn't Like Raisin Cakes

Daniel Warned Us about Aliens

Josh, Your Clothes Are Filthy (With Zechariah and the Satan)

The Bible Didn't Mention Us, Not Even Once

Billy, Am I Strange? (With the Naked Prophet Isaiah)

Habakkuk Didn't Have a Telescope; He Had Faith

Bring Out Yer Dead! (With Nahum on Nineveh)

Seek Justice, Love Mercy, and Walk Humbly (With Micah)

Hey, Guy, It's the Extradimensional Glory! (With Haggai the Prophet)

You Are Altogether Beautiful, My Darling, Beautiful in Every Way

To the Extreme: The In and Out with the Angel Malachi

John Wasn't a Baptist because This Is The End

Dedicated to the love of my life, who has been my love for life,

my bride, my lover and my friend, my wife Holly.

When my life seemed dark, her love shined its light to show me the way.

Thank you for being so supportive.

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

—Hunter S. Thompson

We are not diplomats but prophets, and our message is not a compromise but an ultimatum.

—A. W. Tozer

A lot of prophets have gone to Jail.

—Tommy Chong

Introduction: Puppies and Napalm (with Jonah the Prophet)

Puppies and Napalm with Jonah the Prophet

No Fate. This two-word warning carved into a wooden table somewhere between here and Mexico. Written by poet, mercenary, and mother of soon-to-be savior of humanities' future, Sara Conner knew the future and knew we were already doomed. Skynet takes over, the machines seize control, and the T800 version of the Terminator becomes the Governor of California. The future is quite interesting and sometimes not what we expected.

Sort of like Jonah.

He was a prophet who knew the future. The great city of fish worshippers was going to be destroyed. You can find this little gem in the Old Testament of the Bible in a little book named after the prophet. Jonah is the guy who got eaten and spat out by a massive fish on his way to deliver his message to the fish worshippers.

Spat out. As in the futurist book of the Apocalypse (a.k.a. the Book of Revelation), when God tells his own church, Because you are neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.

Had Dagon the fish god decided to spit out her people Nineveh?

Jonah delivered his message like only an Old Testament prophet could, crying in the streets about the coming judgment. For three days, he walked through the city. Three days is a big city. Afterward, he found himself a prime chunk of Middle Eastern sand to watch the judgment begin. Jonah wasn't delivering a message of hope, a call to change and right something wrong; nope, not this prophet.

He hated the fish worshippers.

The Israelites had been on the wrong side of the Ninevite sword for a while now. And it did not end well for Israel. King Sennacherib of the Fish Worshippers laid siege to Jerusalem. The Israelites, not easy to forget, included an interesting book with the Prophets, the book of Nahum in the Old Testament. The book is basically a taunt song over Nineveh's destruction by the Babylonians.

There was some serious unforgiveness in the heart of this prophet. Jonah was ready for the fire and brimstone to rain down.

He sat in his judgment seat, waiting for the future to unfold. Just like Sarah Conner, so sure of the coming destruction. The coming judgment. No Fate. No Future. No Hope.

But the story didn't end this way. The people of Nineveh changed their ways. The king commanded everyone to turn away from the violence in their hands.

And the future…changed. Where there was no hope, out of the sackcloth and ashes grew a hope for a future brighter than what was prophesied.

Instead of being destroyed, they were saved. That's right, God wanted to save them. But the choice was in their own violent hands. Nineveh eventually fell for this same violence, but not that day. Jonah saw something he couldn't understand. And maybe you might see the same thing he saw, one day, while you are sitting next to Genghis Khan at the Great Banquet in heaven. Someone shout, Hallelujah!

Grace.

Jonah wasn't looking for puppies. He wanted napalm!

Oh, how I wish I could write something different.

The church today is demanding judgment. Not a story of hope, even for the fish worshippers. They want a napalm strike on all that stands opposed to this nationalist form of Christianity.

This concept of a transactional, fear-based Christianity is destroying the church. Please read that again. This harbored unforgiveness and self-righteousness toward the world and all that live in it based on a misled idea that tradition equals faith. Tradition is not what Jesus brought us. He stood opposed to it. If you don't believe me, read the gospels. He was pretty tired out by the outrageous traditions that kept people from God.

In Matthew 15:3, Jesus replied, And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?

At the end of the day, if you don't follow my flavor of Christianity, you are doomed…doomed for eternity…and maybe, just once, God will let you have the trident and fork at a few nonbelievers for Jesus.

Just like Dagon, fish worshipper.

I said it, you heard me. Now own it for a second. Your bloodlust for the judgment and hell of all those who aren't Republican, American, and conservative, or what you call your Judeo-Christian faith, will not go unpunished.

Hear this, church. You have cried out for the napalm, but I say unto you, church, O fish-worshipping, lukewarm church, God will answer with—

Puppies.

The message of God is grace.

It is forgiveness.

It is mercy. It is the good news. Paul called it that. He seemed pretty smart. He authored a few books in the New Testament.

Jesus said preach the gospel. Let's use the English word, not the Greek. Preach the good news! Love is good news. Hope is good news. Grace is good news.

What happened, church? Did you lose your first love? Did you forget your Lord, your Savior, your God who wants to save everyone and make crooked paths straight so those who don't know Jesus won't trip on the land mines you left? God is not—and hear me very clearly—God is not your whip to chastise those who don't follow your tradition or your flavor of Christianity.

Church, God's will will be done; get out of the way. And what is his will?

Church, I have some good news for you.

There is a future of goodness for you.

There is hope for the hopeless.

Skynet doesn't take over.

Repent of your napalm, and God will give you puppies.

Chapter 1

University of Cincinnati, Veterans Day 1968

You are far across the ocean, but the war is not your own,

And while you're winning theirs, you're gonna lose the one at home;

Do you really think the only way to bring about the peace

Is to sacrifice your children and kill all your enemies?

—Larry Norman, Great American Novel

Napalm Puppies was the title of the open invitation on the flyer. It read:

You are invited to attend a ritual dog-napalming. Bring family and friends to watch the sacrificial burning of a three-month-old puppy with new, improved, sticky napalm.

Veterans Day, 12:30—University of Cincinnati Bridge. Sponsored by the Ad Hoc Committee to Bring War Atrocities Home

The quote in the Dayton Daily News (November 8, 1968):

We'll try our damnedest to make the connection between getting stirred up over the death of a dog, yet…going along with the maiming and murder of the Vietnamese. We want to get people really mad and stop us from killing the dog.

In 1968, people just didn't make the connection. They couldn't connect the dots between the puppy (Steppenwolf was his name) and the Vietnamese people, men, women and children who were being napalmed by our great Christian nation. The majority of the people who showed up that day on Vets Day 1968 were there to fight, so gullible and ignorant they could not put one and two together. They were mad for a puppy's life, because in their American-made minds, full of Christian vigor and good deeds, the non-white people in those pictures that were being napalmed, well, they weren't American. The dog was.

If we are so upset about a puppy being napalmed, and I mean really mad about it, where is our righteous indignation at what has been said about a God who does the same to men, women, and children on the daily? Why are we not angered at this idea? Why does it not connect in our brain? Why would you serve a God who is willing to do this?

Church, I am asking you, why do you want a God who napalms puppies?

Get your head out of the ostrich's butt and hear me for a second. This problem will not just go away. And I believe it is getting worse.

There was a time long before the birth of Jesus that prophets spoke the word of God to the people. These prophets were full of zeal and sometimes craziness. God got as creative as he could with this eccentric bunch. He had some of them lay on their side in the mud for days; some of them he showed visions of alien spacecrafts and creatures with eyes all over their body. He spoke to a nation that had lost its way.

Just a little like us today. Can I get an amen?

This book is written to the church of America, the lost, shinning beacon of hope, the great imperialist empire, once called a Christian nation that never was.

This book is to everyone who feels like something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong with us. This book is for those who are tired of a group of people trying to scare us into believing in a god that wants to napalm us. What else should I call it? The gospel of fear?

Christian on vaccine: Don't make a decision based on fear.

Christian on hell: Be afraid of the maggots and fire!

If you really believed the stuff you say, why are you not on the front lines standing between god and his napalm victims?

If you really believe in hell, what are you doing here?

Put down the book and head to some far-off country where there aren't any people who believe what your tribe does.

Jesus commands us to go; it's the exception if you stay, right, Keith Green? (Look him up.)

If you really believed in the hell you preach, then stop being a hypocrite and get out there and save some people from Jesus.

From Jesus.

Because who is doing the napalm strike? Who is turning up the heat? Who is stoking the fires?

Who?

Did God give over your Dante's Inferno reenactment regimen to Satan, as in God and Satan work together? (Good morning, Mr. Satan, how's the heat down there?)

Did God allow the demons pitchforks to stab you with, for all eternity?

God did this?

Sounds more like a strange Sandman graphic novel than the Bible. (I will be doing this a lot, so be prepared. Look it up.)

And this sounds a little like something the prophets might say.

Are you angered by the threat of these tiny little fur babies meeting their fiery end? Does this idea bother you? Can you stomach it? Can you live with it?

They threaten to napalm puppies, and it made everyone mad.

They said God does the same, and everyone said, Amen.

Chapter 2

It's Okay to Shoot Obadiah

Look at the hate we're breeding

Look at the fear we're feeding

Look at the lives we're leading

The way we've always done before

—Guns N' Roses, Civil War

Don't think you're having all the fun

You know me, I hate everyone

—Nine Inch Nails, Wish

The International House of Pancakes. A place of magically diabetes-infused breakfasts, which is available to you twenty-four hours a day. That's right, three in the morning after a night of drinking, you can find your sugar Xanadu. But you can also find the type of people who would hang out at a breakfast diner at this time of the night. You might find the one person traveling and making a stop, or the night shift guy on lunch, but the majority are a little rough around the edges.

When I was a teenager, I remember one remarkably interesting patron who would sit and drink coffee while turning through the pages of the Iliad. What made it interesting is that he used Danishes to mark the pages. He also liked to have conversations with himself when he reached a Danish-marked page.

I learned a lot about Greek mythology just eavesdropping on his ramblings.

As pre-internet teenagers of the nineties, we were always looking to get into something. Dangerous, reckless, illegal—whatever we could find, we did. One night during an election year, we traveled through the wealthy neighborhoods of Yuba City removing the campaign signage from the yards. We filled up the back of a truck, then dumped them all in one person's yard. Why did we do this? Because we could. Obadiah was one of my friends who helped us make a political statement without really knowing what we were doing. Obadiah was a mountain of a man, a nice friend to have around if there was going to be any trouble. I lost contact with him after college, until eighteen years later, I saw a story about him in the newspaper: Man Shot at IHOP. What time? You guessed it, 3:00 a.m.

This next sentence is strange to say, but he made a full recovery, after being shot point-blank. A bullet couldn't stop this man. I told you he was a mountain of a man. Then I heard about the court case. The shooter was found not guilty. The joke I heard some say was that Obadiah is the only person you can shoot and get away with. Self-defense. Not guilty.

America has been guilty of this excuse a few times. Just like the descendants of Esau, the Edomites. The nation of Edom used the self-defense excuse against Israel to justify violence against them. You have heard of them, right?

Isaac had two sons. The firstborn was Esau, a red-headed hairy man's man. He was a warrior. Jacob, the second born, was a little more on the smooth side. He wasn't a warrior. They had their differences. Jacob steals Esau's birthright as a firstborn, but Esau didn't consider it of any value. He was a self-made man who didn't need any handouts. And when he wanted something, he took it. It was his right.

In the Bible, the prophet Obadiah wrote a prophecy concerning Edom after the descendants of Esau had raided the lands of Israel. Twenty-one verses make up this prophet's book.

Verse 10 says, Because of the violence done to your brother Jacob, shame will cover you and you will be cut off completely.

The prophet Obadiah had some strong words concerning the violence that had taken place by Esau. Who is Obadiah? He could have been any of the fifteen people mentioned being Obadiah in the Old Testament, if the time frame wasn't off. Some believe that the name is actually The Worshipper of Yahweh. Not just Obadiah; it was a Worshipper of Yahweh. And the prophecy is concerning Edom, and the false god, the spirit of violence, or his other name, Qos. This name could mean a few different things, one of which is Rival of Yahweh. How many times do we see this battle play out? The worshipper of Yahweh vs. the rival of Yahweh.

As Yahweh stands for justice, his rival stands for violence.

This small little prophet's book is a large prophecy against violence.

All violence.

This speaks to us today, especially in America. Here is a quote from another prophet, Leonard Ravenhill:

I am not angered that the Moral Majority boys campaign against abortion. I am angry when the same men who say, Save our children bellow Build more and bigger bombers. That's right! Blast the children in other nations into eternity, or limbless misery as they lay crippled from our bombers. This does not jell.

Think of the amount of money we spend on our military. How much of your money goes to the torturing of insurgents?

Sorry to step on some toes, but think about this. And does God support torture for self-defense?

Is this Christian? What about the cages our past presidents built for some children that were not from our country? Christian?

Or the violent mobs that fought to keep a president in office? Christian?

You probably know my answer, but I will give you God's in verse 15 of Obadiah: For the day of the Lord is near against all the nations! Just as you have done, it will be done to you. Your deeds will return on your own head.

Church, hear me.

The time of supporting an empire built on violence has come to an end.

No more excuses.

We must stop this senseless violence when we have the ability to do better. Be better. A light of the world, a city of peace on a hill that cannot be hidden. Repent and return to peace, or your deeds will return on your own head.

Qos of the Edomites was defeated and disappeared into the obscurity that all of these false gods slipped into. Rivalry and violence.

There is hope. Verse 17 says, But on Mount Zion there will be an escape. The church is Mount Zion. The church is supposed to be the escape. The church is supposed to be the refuge. It must stand against violence.

We must stand against rivalry. Like the story of two brothers, Esau and Jacob. Our country has become so divided that it would seem Qos has risen from the obscurity to continue his rivalry. The divide is based on violence, and some claim self-defense or fairness. Some just feel entitled to initiate violence as they see fit, because these men who run this nation know better than you.

Better than the church? (Remember, we are going to judge angels.)

Maybe better then Obadiah?

Maybe not. Verse 21 says, Saviors shall go up to Mount Zion to judge the mount of Esau. Saviors; not one, but all of us. We need to speak up and make our voice loud and clear. Esau has been judged. Malachi 1:3 says, Jacob I have loved, Esau I have hated. Did God hate Esau personally? No. You will see in the Genesis story he was blessed. God is talking about a divide between two nations. The violent one was hated by God. This is a strong word. God hates the violence that is a normal part of our world.

How normal? IHOP and pancakes.

The violence must end, because it is not okay to shoot Obadiah.

When the Music Stopped Playing

When the music stopped playing

In this silence

This resilience stayed me

And played me out

Wanting this fade to fade me out

When this ended

And I am left here still staying

Praying to find a reason

I prayed to change this change

Ringing in my pockets

Singing inside of me

Of whom I am and cannot be

When the top is too far

Too far to see

And lying down

Still leaves me tired

So tired

To not try this last try

And tire out this music

This song so smoothly pouring on

Tired of trying to sing today

Today is fading

When the music stopped playing

Chapter 3

Hell-bound with Pinhead and Jeremy the Prophet

I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not