Searching For Sanity: A Lifetime of Anxiety and Depression Finally Laid to Rest

By Randall L. Kies

I graduated with my master's degree after six years of night school in a nearby town. I was a shell of a person, empty inside and barely functioning. I received my degree with absolutely no hope of a better future. There had been so many years of survival mode, and I was on heavy doses of the wrong medication. Shortly after graduation, I would experience my first mental breakdown.

How many people do you know that have admitted they have a mental illness? How many people do you know that have openly sought help? Have you ever considered who among your peers may have a mental illness? Would you offer to help, or would you turn your back on them? Finally, if you had some type of mental illness, would you discuss it with others? Would you seek help? What would you do? Do you even know what to do?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 25, 2021
• ISBN: 9781638602941

Book preview

Table of Contents

Preface

The Story

The Early Days

The First Breakdown

The Second Breakdown

Tools to Improve Clarity

Side Effects of Clarity

Basics of Mental Illness

Mental Illness on a Personal Level

Mental Illness in the Workplace

Final Thoughts

Rights of Those with Mental Illness in the Workplace

Bibliography

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Searching for Sanity

A Lifetime of Anxiety and Depression Finally Laid to Rest

Randall L. Kies II

Copyright © 2021 Randall L. Kies II

All rights reserved

First Edition

Fulton Books, Inc.

Meadville, PA

Published by Fulton Books 2021

ISBN 978-1-63860-293-4 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63860-294-1 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

This writing is dedicated to the professionals that treated my mental illness with great care and allowed me to retain my dignity and self-respect during the process of finding my sanity. The combination of honesty, tough love, and compassion they showed was impeccable, and I am forever grateful.

This writing is especially dedicated to my wife, Angelina, who has stood by my side throughout this fight. She has been my only beacon of hope that good things will come.

Preface

How many people do you know that have admitted they have a mental illness, such as depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, or bipolar disorder? Additionally, how many people do you know that have openly sought help for their illness? Finally, if you had some type of mental illness, would you discuss it with others? Would you seek help? Would you care what other people thought about you? What would you do? Do you even know what to do? Or who to call first?

Have you ever considered who among your peers may have a mental illness? If you are a supervisor or manager, how do you view a person with a mental illness? Would you be fair and impartial when promotions and raises are available? What about the Human Resources Department? What if you’re the owner of the company? Do you know what to do if you supervise a person who suffers from mental illness? Would you offer to help, or would you turn your back on them and wish them the best?

These are difficult questions to ask. Believe me, these are difficult questions to answer. In general, the answer to these questions is No, and my personal experiences and interactions confirm this. There are laws and policies in place that allude to the idea that help is available. There is also the thought that any condition of mental illness will have zero effect on your future if controlled. I was told by several people that I would be treated no differently from anyone else and my condition is confidential and protected by law.

Sadly, reality does not reflect the laws and policies that have been put in place. The reality is our society must know that having a mental illness does not make a person incapable of doing a good job. Over the past thirty years, I have lost friends, family, coworkers, and mentors just to stand here today, alone. The reason that comes to mind is I was considered a liability by the people around me. Once this happens, it becomes impossible to overcome because of the stigma that is attached to every aspect of mental illness.

Discrimination against mental illness is another silent issue among management in the workplace, similar to racial and sexual discrimination. There are bars across the glass ceiling, which makes it impossible to move up the corporate food chain if you suffer from mental illness. The people in charge decide your fate, and you are going nowhere unless they say so. I am a career engineer, and this has been my experience with respect to my anxiety and depression.

There are people that are genuinely compassionate and caring, and they will do anything possible to help, but the real problem is with the system that they work within. The other half of this issue is the personal attitudes and level of stigma people have against mental illness. Laws and policies are not enough because this behavior is the norm, not the exception, which seems ass backward. And we all should know by now that you cannot legislate good behavior.

Discrimination against my mental illness was absolutely the worst behavior to witness because of the additional amount of anxiety that it generated. It has been my experience that the instant you admit mental illness, or the second someone finds out, you are tagged as a liability. Management and human resources at two major companies have ignored helping me and chose to terminate my employment at their earliest convenience. What was the real reason? Was it related to cost, liability, or both? What behaviors did I display that led to the decision to terminate my employment? Was there ever a chance of working together?

I missed a lot of time from work, and I was emotionally numb and physically exhausted. I had no idea what the problem was or where and how to get help for many years. There would be two times when I broke down and needed critical care to lower my anxiety and address my depression. I was having fits of anger, road rage, and deep depression afterward. My thoughts raced from one thing to another