Holding Space: A Guide to Mindful Facilitation

By Kate Ebner and Izzy Martens

The work of skilled facilitators has never been more necessary or important.

Opening up the space for dialogue for all is needed now, more than ever. Holding Space: A Guide to Min

• Language: English
• Publisher: Birch Tree Publications
• Release date: Nov 8, 2022
• ISBN: 9798986470917

Kate Ebner

Kate Ebner describes her life purpose as "helping others to find and live their highest potential." As a leadership coach, facilitator and leader, she views her contributions as a way of being in service to others. Kate is known for her calm, balanced style, powerful storytelling, expertise on visioning processes and her deep commitment to her clients. Kate is the founder of The Nebo Company, a leadership coaching and facilitation firm based in Washington, D.C.. She is also the founding director of Georgetown University's Institute for Transformational Leadership, where she has served on the faculty of many programs. She loves the natural world, cooking, writing and other forms of creativity and being with her family.

Book preview

Preface

Even as we wrote this book, the world changed. The 2020 coronavirus pandemic fundamentally shifted what the concept of holding space meant. Once defined as guiding other’s attention during an in-person gathering, overnight we had to move from a physical mode of gathering to a virtual one. Simultaneously, the murder of George Floyd in the summer of 2020 catapulted the Black Lives Matter Movement into the spotlight. This important event signified a shift in how many people understood what it means to belong in a space. When we slowly returned to in-person gatherings, the experience felt different. As 2022 comes to a close, we are still discovering what is at the heart of holding space.

The world will continue to shift, but the work of creating safe and inclusive spaces has never been more important. Holding Space is a starting point, intended to make it easy for facilitators to step forward with confidence to do the important work of hosting gatherings.

This book aims to provide a resource for coaches, facilitators and leaders who are seeking a philosophy and methodology for convening others; an approach that creates memorable, productive conversations and leads to important outcomes. The topics we cover in Holding Space, as well as the advice given and stories told, come from our experiences doing coaching and facilitation work at The Nebo Company, a leadership development firm founded by Kate Ebner. The work we do at Nebo, and with leaders, continues to inspire and inform our perspective and approach. At Nebo, we find that people everywhere dream of a different way of experiencing life, a way that includes a simpler approach, a slower pace and greater harmony with their surroundings. Through our work as facilitators, we cultivate these experiences, holding a space for others that nourishes the conditions for personal and collective growth.

In this book, you will find lessons, tips and practices for facilitating important conversations and gatherings. We explore what it means to hold space from a variety of perspectives. We share insights about how to ensure a welcoming, inclusive and culturally attuned experience. We review the concept of mindfulness and how mindfulness is not only relevant–but necessary–to facilitation. We explore the topic of authentic presence and what it looks like when you bring yourself fully to your facilitation work. We examine what happens when a facilitation doesn’t go well and how to pivot in order to get things back on track. We offer tools, checklists and new ideas to keep in mind as you think about planning your facilitated events. We hope these ideas will inspire, fortify and encourage you at every step of your own journey.

Our society needs more courageous facilitators who can convene conversations that lead to understanding, collaboration, respect for differences and new pathways to the future. This book invites you to learn what it takes to hold space in such a way as to create extraordinary–even transformational–experiences and outcomes.

A Reflection on Holding Space from Kate Ebner

When I first attended the Georgetown University Leadership Coaching Program in 2002, the opening exercise startled me. The instructor asked the students–all adult professionals like me–to stand in a circle and center. I had never heard the term before. I looked around me. Did others know how to center? It seemed that some did, and others, like me, were finding the instruction very new. Later, the instructor asked us to sit quietly and breathe into your heart. I remember the instructor saying, Direct your breath to your heart. Imagine the fresh oxygen surrounding and filling your heart space. Take a few deep breaths while envisioning this. We did. When we finished the exercise, she asked how it felt. The energy of the group was palpably more relaxed. My own anxiety about joining a new program full of strangers had subsided. I left at the end of the day wondering, Do other people know how to breathe into their hearts and how to center? How did I miss this? Would this work as an exercise in my intense, driven workplace?

In 2002, mindfulness was a movement. A fad, some argued. Popular interest in mindfulness had grown in the 1990s as it made its way into mainstream culture through the use of meditative practice for professional athletes and as literature about mindfulness and meditation practice grew. By the early 2000s, books, documentaries and talks about mindfulness had become instantly available through the internet, allowing thousands of people to access these concepts readily and apply them in a wide range of settings, from business to education to private life. Mindfulness had become a term that was well known and widely used.

Is it still relevant today?

The convergence of technology, globalism, and the unprecedented pace and volume of work guarantee mindfulness a place in the future as human beings struggle to find the path forward. Overwhelmed, overworked and subsumed by daunting messages about the future, mindfulness, including meditation, is a survival strategy for our species. In our work at The Nebo Company, we see that our clients need to learn how to use mindfulness strategies to cultivate and sustain resilience. Without it, leaders struggle to focus amidst ceaseless distractions. With this practice, we are able to connect with our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors in ways that can help us be far less reactive and far more purposeful.

The practice of mindfulness is necessary to the development of leaders who seek to be resilient, creative, focused and able to bring balanced energy and effective presence to their work. Yet, just like me back in 2002, many leaders are unfamiliar or uncomfortable with mindfulness practices in the workplace. When a facilitator or coach offers a mindfulness practice and conducts their own work with awareness of the many moments of transition–including the crescendos and decrescendos of a group’s energy and attention–they are doing far more than creating a quiet moment or a productive day. They are teaching a strategy for survival and success in the modern workplace.

My colleague, Izzy Martens, and I have flagged practices that are particularly effective for changing energy and mood, centering, bringing clarity of purpose and other benefits. Each practice described offers simple, yet detailed instructions on how to do it and recommendations for best use.

As a facilitator and coach, I plan and design working sessions, retreats and private coaching conversations with clients. Quite often, the leader outlines what he or she expects to accomplish from the experience, setting ambitious goals for two-hour meetings and one-day retreats. Stepping back from the stated objectives, I ask myself what it will take to bring the group along to achieve the leader’s desired outcome in the time allotted. The success of the session seems to depend upon moving briskly according to schedule. Don’t worry, says my client. We can always cut lunch short or skip one of the breaks. Squeezing the most out of the available time is the priority. In this book, we’ll show you a different and even more effective approach.

We help leaders capture the attention and focus of their colleagues. During a busy and stressful day, how can a facilitator or leader harness the participants’ attention to the agenda at hand and get the most out of the assembly of talent in the room? In this book, we address why so many people dread meetings and professional gatherings.

With these ideas in mind, we have undertaken to explain how to make a gathering into a memorable and valuable experience, how to keep participants engaged and refreshed so that you get their most creative ideas and most positive engagement, and, just as importantly, how to care for yourself during the course of a long day of holding space for others.

A Reflection on Holding Space from Izzy Martens

At twenty-two years old, I packed up my maroon Nissan Altima and drove 25 hours across the country from Colorado to my new home in Washington, D.C. On the morning I left, I remember taking one last look at the mountains. Standing in the morning sun, I tried to burn the image of those mountains into my mind. I never wanted to forget the way the air smelled or the quiet sounds of the birds in the morning sky. Most importantly, I didn’t want to forget how those mountains made me feel: stable, calm, grounded. With a last wave to the home I’d always known, I got behind the wheel and I set out to find something new.

In D.C., I quickly realized that the life I was stepping into was going to be different. Everything–from the heavy humidity in the air to the fast drivers–was a shock to my senses. The pace of my life had quickened, almost instantaneously. As I navigated this new world, I found myself reaching for a tool I’d always utilized to take care of myself, a dedicated yoga practice, with more urgency. Finding quiet and mindful time on my yoga mat had been a passion of mine for years, but now I found my yoga practice to be a requirement of my days–something I needed to keep me grounded in a fast-paced world.

I had been working at Nebo for a few months when, during a workshop for Women in Leadership, the topic of conversation shifted to cultivating resilience. As part of the program, the facilitator led the group through a somatic centering exercise. As the participants around me began to breathe together, I felt a spark of excitement in my mind. There was a link here; a clear connection between my passion for yoga and the work I was doing supporting leadership programs. The next training I attended, I asked the facilitators if I could lead a centering exercise. Of course! they responded. Though I had little practice leading others through breath exercises, I stepped in front of the group of watchful faces and I invited them to breathe. I used the words and feelings I had picked up over my years of practice. At the end of the session, a woman came over to me and thanked me for the centering. I feel so much better now, she said.

This was the first step in a journey that would lead me from a passionate yoga practitioner to a certified yoga teacher and facilitator. I’ve worked on breath with small executive teams, who just need a chance to pause in their busy days, and I’ve guided meditations for conference attendees of national associations. Each time I ask participants to breathe with me, I see the power of the practice. A group who is fidgety, tired, or tuned-out is suddenly transformed. They come back to the moment, they tune back into their surroundings, and they tap back into the quieter space inside of them.

This combination of mindfulness and facilitation became a central facet in my career. I continue to marvel at just how linked these two seemingly different practices are. No matter if you’re leading teams or leading yogis, mindful examination of your own experience and the experience of others during a gathering is the key to shifting a normal facilitation into a transformational one. Kate and I believe that incorporating mindfulness into each element of your facilitation–from before you even begin to long after you leave–is the key to creating powerful, life-changing moments for others.

Chapter 1

Holding a Space for Others

When we hold space for one another, we are fully present to the other’s experience. We are fully present in the moment and in the sharing. We are witnesses to human experience.

–Parker Palmer

The harbor twinkled in the morning light through the large windows that made-up the western wall of the hotel ballroom. Three well-placed bouquets of flowers sat on linen covered tables. Staff wandered in and out of the space, placing immaculately arranged trays of food down for breakfast and shifting chairs into order.

Kate, Izzy and the rest of the Nebo team bustled about, ensuring their microphones were in place, the slide advancer functioned properly and the graphic facilitator had enough space to set up her large, blank canvas. By the end of the day, that canvas would be filled with a collective vision of what a major American city could look like in five years.

A large organization had enlisted The Nebo Company to work with them to create a vision for a future that could transform the city. The event was an opportunity for the leaders to unite together around a shared dream and work in unison towards a better future for the city they loved.

The event took place at the edge of the harbor, offering the participants a view of the water and of the city’s skyline. From the choice of the room where the event took place, the seats arranged in a large circle and the natural lighting glancing in from the windows, each element was thoughtfully curated. As the conveners of this event, we sought to create a memorable experience that would leave an imprint on each leader who walked into the room.

Towards the end of the day, after framing the topic and diving deep into important conversations, we gathered the leaders and had them read aloud the visions that they had created. They stood, and with the harbor still glistening in the background, they described a city that didn’t yet exist, but could. One after the other, these leaders dreamed together, and by the end of the day it felt like a tide had turned. The road ahead was long and winding, but the first brick had been laid. New connections were forged, commitments made, and, as the participants left the room there was a lightness to the air that was evident in their movements as they walked out of the space.

To hold space means to create the conditions for transformation. In our work, we hold space for individuals, organizations and teams every day. We help lead them through their toughest challenges and remind them to tap into their innermost resources–their own stories, experiences, emotions, barriers and breath.

The future depends upon the work of facilitation. In order to solve our most complex challenges, we must have conversations that produce understanding, action and new outcomes. While facilitation proves to be demanding and intense work, it is also deeply rewarding. To do this work well, we must commit to growing through the work, to examining ourselves as facilitators, opening ourselves up to feedback and trying methods and modalities that create breakthroughs.

After thousands of facilitations over many years, we recognize that there is something special that distinguishes skilled facilitators and makes for transformational facilitation. We see genius in the unique, authentic work of many different styles and approaches. A willingness to bring one’s authentic self to the work, accompanied by thoughtful, disciplined preparation characterize great facilitation. The mindset, skills and methods of facilitation can be learned and honed. As a facilitator, there are many ways to establish the conditions for success for yourself and for those who participate with you. In truth, the task of holding space is the same whether you are leading a group of executive leaders through a strategic visioning process or hosting your family reunion.

How do we do this intentionally, thoughtfully and mindfully?

This book first and foremost offers a philosophy, a belief in what it means to create the conditions for transformation, and the strategies and tools that you need to create safe, creative environments where important work can be done. We invite you to consider the ideas here and experiment with the strategies. Our approach has grown out of the work itself, and we expect that your approach will evolve that way, too.

The starting point–and where we begin in this book together–is within ourselves. To hold space in a transformational way, one must hold space in a mindful way.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your full attention to a single moment or action. It involves tapping into your breath and your senses to fully absorb an experience. Mindfulness is not a new concept by any stretch. It is something that is innate within us: our ability to perceive.

Mindfulness has become a common term. If you search the word mindfulness on Amazon Books, more than 50,000 results appear. Most of those books have been published in the last 50 years. Mindfulness sessions and practices have been integrated into institutions as varied as hospitals, prisons, schools, and, yes, into the field of leadership development.

In the U.S., Jon Kabat-Zinn, a molecular biologist, practitioner of the Zen Buddhist tradition and founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), coined a definition of mindfulness, which has been widely adopted:

The awareness that arises through paying attention on purpose in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.

A 2010 study from the National Institute of Health titled Effects of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression [1] looked at the effects of the MBSR mindfulness practices that Zinn created. The study found that participants who engaged in mindfulness practices showed improvement in anxiety and depression symptoms and self-esteem. The study also showed decreased negative emotion experience and reduced amygdala activity. MBSR programs are now used in hospitals and health-care facilities around the world. Due to these benefits, it is no surprise that humans have gravitated towards mindfulness as a way of contending with an ever more complex world.

In a busy city like our company’s hometown, Washington, D.C., we often meet busy and exhausted people, many of whom are considered highly successful. They move from meeting to meeting, day in and day out, with dedication to their work, extraordinary perseverance and little time for self-care. In one-on-one coaching sessions, we hear stories of amazing achievements and also great depletion. People who strive to make a difference need a way to manage the stress and constant demands in their life. For these people, a mindfulness practice is more than just a trend: it is a survival strategy.

The practice of mindfulness can start small. It can start right now.

Let’s try it:

Close your eyes.

Take one deep breath in through your nose, noticing as the breath fills up your chest and belly.

Now, exhale out your mouth, noticing as the breath moves out of your body.

Open your eyes.

Just like that, you’ve had a mindful moment.

Bringing Mindfulness into Facilitation

In 2018, Kate and Izzy were engaged to facilitate the kick-off of a women’s sponsorship program at a global law firm. The program had been requested on short notice and followed a string of demanding events with other clients. Over the past few weeks, Kate and Izzy barely had the chance to see each other outside of live client events. Instead of typical planning meetings, their planning took place over email and on the fly. Izzy had taken a train into New York with a small, almost imperceptible, feeling of unease. She didn’t know if they were ready, but she knew that, ready or not, they would show up and do their best.

On the evening before the program, Izzy sat in a fold-out camp chair in the East Village, enjoying a Sunday evening dinner with her cousin who lived locally. There was a small barbeque set-up on the sidewalk and the fall air felt delightfully warm as the sun began to sink below the buildings. It felt so very Manhattan. At that moment, Izzy felt her phone buzz in her pocket. It was a text from Kate.

SOS.

Another one followed: I just heard from our client. They are not happy. Please call me.

There were two big mistakes in the program materials: a misspelling of the client’s name and an incorrect program title. At a law firm where excellence is a hallmark of their brand, getting a name wrong was almost unforgivable. And two major mistakes? Unheard of!

That night, Kate and Izzy stayed up until 2:00 a.m. fixing the materials and trying to find a printer that was open at that late hour. The client stayed up, too. The client requested phone calls and took a red line to the materials, meticulously going through each and every page, a sign that the client’s trust had all but evaporated.

Kate and Izzy arrived at the client’s offices the next day slightly shaken and sleep-deprived. They knew that they had to make up for lost ground. They went into the building, provided their most sincere apologies, and gave it all they had during the facilitation. It was what they knew how to do, and it was all they could do.

In the end, the client was happy with the presentation and the positive response she received from the group. Although this was a great turn-around moment, Kate and Izzy were exhausted. An exciting trip to New York had turned into a learning moment, one that they often reflect back on.

Waiting for her train home from Penn Station that evening, Izzy found herself standing in front of a newsstand. Time Magazine’s September 2016 edition stood out on the magazine rack. Its title read, Mindfulness: The New Science of Health and Happiness. This was the first time Izzy could recall the word mindfulness written in bold print on the cover of a world-renowned publication. Seeing the word reminded her to pause and take a deep breath. She stood in the station–with people hurrying past her from all directions, reminding herself to slow her breath and reel in her thoughts. Afterwards, feeling renewed, she smiled and boarded her train.

Mindfulness is a tool that we can use in situations that require a great deal of emotional energy or grace. In the facilitation example in New York, Izzy and Kate needed to stay calm and move forward. Luckily, they were both longtime practitioners of mindfulness and meditation. The simple skill of turning their attention away from negative thoughts and to the matter at hand (salvaging the client relationship) allowed them to stay level-headed during a trying time. Ultimately, the ability to manage their emotions allowed for a great experience for their client and a long-term relationship, even with a few initial mistakes in preparation.

The practice of mindfulness is the practice of tuning in. Mindfulness allows you to be attuned to what is happening around you, while helping you to stay balanced, no matter what is going on. As a facilitator, you will encounter difficulties, whether with challenging personalities, disgruntled employees, zoned-out audiences, high-stakes meetings or your own missteps. It is your job to hold the space so that important conversations can take place. Doing this requires bringing your full authentic presence and your astute attention to all that is happening in the room. As a facilitator, mindfulness can and must be practiced each step of the way. This practice is how we can create the best outcomes for our clients, and this is the way that we survive and even thrive while doing so. It is the foundation of a transformative presence and the key to creating safety and trust with a group.

What it Means to Be Human Today

To understand what it means to hold space for others, we must be empathetic to the human experience in a time of great complexity.

Though each of us has a different experience of living, here’s how we hear many people experience a typical day:

A Day in the Life of a Busy Professional

When your phone alarm goes off in the morning, you slowly roll over to turn off the sound. As your eyes open, you unlock your phone and check the messages and notifications you missed while you were asleep. You walk outside in the early morning hours and you swipe open your phone, just to check the time. You walk one block and you get to a street light. While you wait, you swipe open your phone and click into an app. When you get into your car, you plug your phone in and a mini-version of your phone screen pops up on your car dashboard. As you drive, two text messages and four new emails arrive. Even though you hate to admit it, you check those messages at the next stoplight.

As you drive, you listen to the radio and take in the latest events, but it’s hard to pay attention as your mind is buzzing with the news of your latest text message. Your long-scheduled plans for the evening have just been changed. You’re frustrated, knowing this will change your whole plan for the day. You arrive at work and you open your laptop. You have 15 tabs open on your laptop. Your mind races with the 20+ things you have to accomplish, which your open tabs are reminding you of. You click from screen to screen. Typing emails and downloading documents. As you try to work on one task, someone pops their head into your office to ask a quick question that eats up twenty minutes. As you talk, a chat message pops up. And then another. You attempt to re-focus on your task, but a new email has just shifted your attention. You look at the clock and realize that you have a meeting that starts in two minutes and you also could use a glass of water. You scramble to finish an email before rushing down to a meeting that you’ll be a few minutes late to. (You don’t have time to get a glass of water.)

Throughout the day, you hop from meeting to meeting. In each meeting, you find yourself looking at a large presentation screen, or the virtual faces of your colleagues who work remotely. During lunch, you tend to scroll through your phone, looking at the news articles that feel ever-bleaker.

By the time you get home in the evening, you’re tired. Your body is tired. Your mind has been moving all day long, even if your body hasn’t moved much farther than the span of your office. So, you sit down on the couch and you turn on the TV. The TV stays on in the background as you cook