Sulking with God

By Gerry Browne

Imagine being abandoned by your best friend. How would you feel if you had given your life to be of service to God and then, to have your whole world pulled apart?

Sulking with God follows on directly from where When God Calls leaves off. After years of trying to create a viable healing centre with his twin flame, Gerry is now unexpectedly living alone in Ennis, County Clare with shattered hopes and dreams. In his new life, he finds it hard to trust God and does not know if he can keep on working for Him. Since he has nothing left to lose, he begrudgingly continues his voyage, whilst looking for meaning in the tragedies that had surrounded his life.

As he develops his healing clinics, Gerry surprisingly discovers greater self-knowledge and more compassion for his fellow traveller. Along the way, he is also brought to a number of places, including former concentration camps in Poland and Germany. He learns about man's inhumanity to man but also, about people’s capacity for courage, love and forgiveness.

Sulking with God is a story of renewal and of the realisation that there really is a divine plan and, that no matter what happens, God is always with us and loves us unconditionally.

Gerry Browne was born and grew up in Dalkey, County Dublin. Over the last twenty years he has helped many people find peace and healing in their lives and has established several healing clinics nationwide. He now lives in Ennis, County Clare.

Sulking with God is Gerry’s second book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gerry Browne
• Release date: Dec 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005571634

Book preview

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to my mum and dad, Bridie and Joe. Throughout their lives they worked really hard to create a strong family, which I was proud to be part of.

Also by Gerry Browne

When God Calls

Author’s Note

Sulking with God is about a struggle I went through with God for a period of time in my life.

It tells the follow-on story of what happened when my twin flame and I separated after several years trying to establish a viable healing centre and a sanctuary where people would come for help and support. The book looks for meaning in the tragedies that surrounded my life, and additionally involved a quest for enlightenment. These searches rewarded me with greater self-knowledge and more compassion for my fellow traveller, and brought me to many places, including concentration camps in Poland and Germany. Today I have a much greater appreciation for the work I do and for the gifts that God and the angels have given me.

I hope that in relating these moments from my life they may help you find peace and purpose on your own journey. Also, please allow yourself the freedom to have real feelings about the Boss, feelings that are based on truth. It doesn’t matter what your feelings are towards God – He knows what is in your soul, your heart and the very essence of your being, and He loves you unconditionally.

To each a new day, a new life. Warmest wishes, Gerry

Where a client’s story is mentioned, the person’s anonymity is maintained. In addition, some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Author’s Note

CHAPTER 1: Looking in the Mirror

CHAPTER 2: The Clinics

CHAPTER 3: Freedom from the Hamster Wheel

CHAPTER 4: Storm Olive

CHAPTER 5: Hindsight is Twenty-Twenty Vision

CHAPTER 6: Orphaned

CHAPTER 7: Mediumship

CHAPTER 8: Moving On

CHAPTER 9: A Wonderful Gift

CHAPTER 10: To Honour a Promise

CHAPTER 11: Poles Apart

CHAPTER 12: Family Lines

CHAPTER 13: Warsaw, Treblinka and Dachau

CHAPTER14: Dachau Revisited

CHAPTER 15: Austria and Aura-Soma

CHAPTER 16: God Plays a Long Game

CHAPTER 17: Spirits and Crystals

CHAPTER 18: Just Witness

CHAPTER 19: A World of Diversity

CHAPTER 20: Renewal

CHAPTER 21: Living and Learning

CHAPTER 22: The Ring

Acknowledgements

CHAPTER 1

Looking in the Mirror

I

t was September 2012 and I could not believe it – here I was on my own in Ennis, County Clare. I was suddenly miles away from Achill Island and Pam and all the dreams we had started out with, and even though I had no doubt we were still twin flames, I couldn’t say I understood God’s plan. I felt hurt and betrayed, and was in a state of shock. Pam and I had been brought together against all the odds, so why did God do this to me? Why did He separate the two of us after all we’d been through together? It seemed so unfair. This was not how I expected my life to be. I thought God would let us achieve a lot more, and instead I felt I’d been martyred.

At that moment in time I referred to myself as ‘Confused. com’. Talk about change being part of life. I didn’t know what to make of this. But in spite of my confusion it was clear the house in Ennis was prepared for me, even if I wasn’t prepared for it. I had got used to signs and symbols and how God works in mysterious ways, and so accepted this was where He wanted me to be. However, trusting God was now even more difficult than it used to be but I still had to try. I had to keep believing that there was some kind of plan to this.

When I drove into the cul-de-sac to view the property, I knew it was the house I was meant to live in. The walls were gold and pink, which were the same colours as the twin flames’ Aura-Soma soul bottles. The house number was eleven – Pam and I are both elevens in numerology – and there were angelic pictures on the walls of the kitchen. The house had a small front and back garden, and that was fine with me as I’m not much into gardening. The energy both inside and outside the house was calm and restful.

In the rear of the back garden there was a shed. Nearby were two trees, a matching pair, which stood together and looked to me like the number eleven. I work in land healing and know when this number manifests in nature it represents harmony, balance and positive male/female connections. The trees were situated within a man-made fairy ring, and in the middle of the ring sat a little garden gnome. I had to laugh because it had been mentioned to me several times over the years that I have many qualities of a leprechaun. It was like I was looking at myself sitting in the ring, and I was being told: Gerry, take the hint.

The house itself was small and plain, and that suited me. I was not used to living on my own and felt a place of this size was manageable. I also felt a sense of peace in the house. It has to be said I never felt alone there on any level, and that was because of the spiritual energies it held. It became a safe retreat after all the pain and hurt of a difficult journey. Another nice thing that came with the house was an old Quan Yin (Chinese Divine Mother) lamp which resided in the master bedroom. The statuette had coral flowers in her hands. In Aura-Soma, coral is the colour associated with unrequited love (which was just how I felt at the time) or the wisdom of love, and that lamp really comforted me. The idea of loving in the most difficult of circumstances was a real invitation to me to see the wisdom of always choosing to love in life, even when darker emotions could be present.

At that stage I knew I had to release the grief over the loss of Achill, Pam and the messed-up past to have any real chance of a meaningful existence from here on in. The chaos that had been so familiar in my life up to then was now gone, and I knew that somehow I had to move on. Little by little I explored my new neighbourhood. Ennis is a beautiful old town in County Clare. With no shortage of takeaways, shops, restaurants and facilities, it has everything you’d need. Ideally situated between Galway and Limerick, Ennis gave me easy access to my first three clinics of the new era, which had potential to develop. Thank God for that.

Dublin was also easy to get to as the motorway was nearby, and Cork and Tralee were not too far away either. Even Castlebar and Sligo were within relatively easy reach from Ennis. From the point of view of location and the work I was doing, Ennis offered real possibilities, hope and potential security. If I had enough belief in myself and what I was doing, I felt I could stand a chance of survival even though trust was in short supply.

There was peace in my being as I set about putting my life back together. With nothing left to lose there came an acceptance of what will be will be. I think Yeats said it best: ‘Cast a cold eye on life, on death, horseman pass by.’

Pam was supportive, if unemotional, and our connections were courteous rather than trusting or spiritual. For Pam the past was the past – move on, get over it. I found this quite a bit harder and my hurt was immense.

Before the twin flames came together I was fairly secure financially, but when I woke up spiritually and went on my journey of service with Pam, my personal income became less and less and almost disappeared. By the time we separated, both Pam and I had were almost living hand to mouth.

When I moved to Ennis I had little or no money and was in considerable debt. However, I did feel a new level of hope beginning to emerge. No more was my life controlled on any serious level by anyone except myself. I was free, but wasn’t really sure of what I wanted to do anymore. Working with and for God had put me in this place, and I didn’t know if I had enough faith to continue on the same road.

I still had clients to see and so for the moment I reluctantly continued working for God. However, I wasn’t working all of the time anymore and wasn’t stressed like I had been. I had time to watch the television, go to music sessions, attend set dancing classes, cook and still schedule the clients.

Not having to travel backwards and forwards to Achill helped my income. I had more money in my pocket and could manage what I had better. It was a strange phenomenon: in spite of working so hard for so long to build an income I still couldn’t make money – and now after everything seemed to be taken away from me, strangely money was flowing back towards me. I was able to pay my bills, even though it was a struggle to do so, and even had a little bit left for me. It was an unusual situation after experiencing so much lack.

I expected to be homeless within a month when I moved to Ennis, but the big disaster I thought would happen, didn’t. No longer did I have the conflict between sitting and waiting on God to provide, and believing that God helps those who help themselves. I had to actively take personal responsibility for me and my situation alone. Hopefully if I was on the right track, God would support my efforts – a bit like the parable of the talents.

I did not have time to act like a rabbit in the headlights or to feel sorry for myself. I decided to continue the healing work I had been doing, even with all the problems that working with Spirit presented to me. My son lent me a small amount of money to clear one of my debts, and I kept tipping away at the shows and building the clinics. Along the way I had to register my business and so Gerard Browne Spiritual Healer was born. My new life in Ennis began with the attitude of taking one day at a time and trying to have little or no expectations about what tomorrow would bring … to surrender and trust God as best I could, however grudgingly.

Soon after I started living in the new house, I was asked by the fairies to put a rose quartz crystal in the middle of the fairy ring in the garden. After hearing their request, I put it on my to-do list. However, as I was busy trying to work, it kept being put on the long finger. Every now and then when I went out to the back garden I would be reminded of it by a little voice that came from the fairy ring asking, ‘What about the crystal?’, but then I would forget about it again. A few months passed.

At that time I had a clinic in Tuam, County Galway. One evening, after completing my day’s work, I came down the stairs of the healing centre I was working from. It was a chilly winter’s evening and the industrial estate where the clinic was situated was in darkness. When I came out I saw the owner of the healing centre parked outside the building. She motioned me over and so I locked up and went over to her car window. She told me that her family were going away to Australia and she was putting the centre up for sale. Unfortunately, this meant I would have to leave there and find another location for the clinic.

Eventually we said our goodbyes and I headed home to Ennis. As soon as I got in my front door I realised that I didn’t have my bag of Aura-Soma oils with me. My first thought was that I’d left it in the centre. Then I remembered I had the bag when I came down the stairs and out of the building, and had placed it beside my car in the car park before I went to talk to the owner. I obviously got distracted and so forgot to put the bag into my car when I came back to it.

I said ‘Oh dear’ or words to that effect. The bag contained all my pomanders, quintessences and rescue bottles, and at that time I wouldn’t have been able to afford to replace them. So without delay I got in the car again and drove all the way back to Tuam. Would the oils still be there? As I came to the building, to my great relief I saw the bag outside the centre. In nearly two and a half hours the bag had not been touched. Thanking the angels, I picked it up and made my way back home. I had dinner and went to bed, grateful for the way the day ultimately turned out.

The next day I had nothing to do workwise, just a few chores, which included bringing some stuff out to the garden shed. Suddenly I heard a little voice. It said, ‘You won’t forget when we ask you to do something next time, will you?’

So that was it! That’s why I left the bag of oils in the car park. The fairies had played a trick on me and made me forget it. Well, the little rascals. You better believe I went straight back in the house, got a piece of rose quartz from my crystal collection and buried it in the ground in the fairy ring. I apologised to the elementals for not doing what they had instructed earlier, and from then on learned always to listen to them and do whatever they requested whenever I was asked to do it.

A bit of advice: don’t tick off the fairies. It’s not a good idea. By that time of course it was amusing, and reassuring to know that I had not been abandoned by Spirit in any way. It was also a reminder that spirits, elemental or otherwise, are always present and never very far from us no matter how we think or feel about them.

For a while I thought the journey of the twin flames was over for this lifetime. I didn’t realise our spiritual paths were still to continue, albeit separately. The space I had in my new life in Ennis gave me a chance to take a breath after what had been a very hectic nine years. For a while I thought about trying to close down spiritually so I could get back to living a normal life. When I opened up in my forties it was through no choice of mine – as far as I was aware – but the more I thought about it, the more I knew closing down would not be a real option.

When I was a boy I used to love the hymn, ‘Make me a Channel of your Peace’ and many years later I sometimes joked that God might have understood this as a request from me to be one of His helpers, and accepted my love of the hymn as showing a desire to be of service. Don’t they say be careful what you wish for?

It is amazing the thoughts of a child. An older boy I went to school with told me that we only use a small percentage of our brains in this lifetime and I was horrified. Back then I was being driven hard by my teacher and my dad to learn tables and spellings, and suffered several beatings from both of them along the way for not doing well enough. Dyslexia wasn’t recognised back then, and I know now I could really have done with some help. The beatings I received did little but make me feel I was really stupid and also caused me to feel, at the time, antieducation. Nowadays, there are support teachers for children who learn differently from others, and those with dyslexia are not marginalised the way they used to be.

Because of the gem of knowledge I got from that boy at school, I reasoned that I had a sleepy brain and I thought, that is the last thing I need! So in the mornings when I walked to school I would shake my head, telling my brain cells to waken up. I thought it was a good idea and that it might just save me from the ire of the adults who were hitting me because I was so stupid. Certainly, on my spiritual journey years later I had to work my poor brain harder than it ever had been worked before, and it is a fair bet that over time some more brain cells did actually wake up and function better.

When I grew up, my view of God changed from the learned childhood vision I’d had of Your Man in the Sky who was distant and judging, and so did my perception of that other fella downstairs with the horns and pointy tail, stoking the fires for the rejects – a fate I believed awaited me if I wasn’t a good little boy. Being good was not always my forte, so one could say I was on a very sticky wicket.

Death used to be a scary thing to think about as it meant judgement and possibly the fires of everlasting hell. If you stepped out of line then good old Pointy-Tail would be waiting for you with a pick and shovel and infernal flames to stoke. The message I heard from the clergy was: keep your nose clean and behave and you’ll make it to heaven eventually. It has to be said, it sounded pretty good that I might be able to sit eternity out playing my harp on a puffy white cloud with no one to annoy or disturb me. No more criticism, no pain, and no hurt – just perfect bliss.

Early in my life I thought I was doomed, doomed I tell you!, because I couldn’t follow in Jesus’ footsteps. He was so perfect, and in my mind the best I could look forward after passing over was a long time in purgatory, punishment for those who were like me, less than perfect. To me, God was far away from the physical world and any understanding of the real difficulties people experienced in life. Any thought of Him or the angels having a direct connection to me as an ordinary human being was out. God was actually someone to be afraid of. After all, He thought nothing of sending His own son to be crucified. I don’t think even Jesus was sure of that idea, as His journey progressed in the garden of Gethsemane. I could imagine Him saying, ‘Da, I don’t mind the kicking, beatings, spitting, humiliation and all that stuff but do you not think the crucifixion is going just a little bit too far?’ I have to say I like Jesus. He sounds a bit more human, a bit more like me.

How could anyone blame Him for saying this? For crying out for His father to rescue Him? I know now that He was showing us it’s OK to doubt and OK to be scared and upset. Jesus’ last days sound like the story of someone who was hurting, just like one of us would be if we were tortured and treated cruelly. Not a God, just a child of God. I’m sure crucifixion mattered to Christ – it hurt. He needed to show that. Otherwise, what was the point? If He could not feel a thing, if He had been above it all, it would not have been a real sacrifice. It’s got to have hurt to have nails driven into your hands, a spear pierced in your side, a crown of thorns pushed onto your head, and the skin lashed off your body. If my own dad did that to me, well … I really do not think he would be that popular with me. I might be moaning just a bit.

Jesus drew on his strength and courage, because He knew He and His dad had agreed for Him to go through the crucifixion to save mankind. In spite of any human reservations He may have had, He said, ‘Here goes, Dad. Thy will, not my will, be done.’ I think we’ve all had times when we have had to surrender and have faith, and we know only too well how hard that is to do.

When you look at what Jesus experienced in His life, you would have some sympathy for Him. The journey He had, let’s face it, wasn’t great. Born in a stable, legging it to Egypt so as to avoid Herod’s persecution, and walking very long distances. Sometimes it’s hard enough to get the kids to go down to the shops, it’s ‘Ah Mom.’ We forget how basic it must have been in Jesus’ time. He might have been thinking, ‘Some of these lads, my apostles, are not the funniest – they would moan for Ireland. And some of them even smell like fish and suffer from B.O.’ No Lynx effect back then!

When I began working with Spirit, instead of encountering the severe type of God I imagined as a child, I met a divine being of so much compassion, love, and gentleness. I have no doubt He is someone who is always trying to rescue us from our negative and pain-laden thinking, someone who is everpresent, ever-caring and always supportive. Never judgemental. Certainly, He is someone who would not send you to the fires of everlasting hell.

I have come to learn that far from being a distant being, He wants to help us all the time, but free will means we have to ask and trust that however He answers, it matches our divine plan. It is always for our greater good and for whatever we need to fulfil our purpose in life.

This can be hard to see at first, for in our own minds we can confuse need and want. It is only in looking back in the cold light of day that we can see the learnings and gifts in even the most difficult circumstances. It’s very important we do so. As God came more and more into my life, I loved Him instead of fearing Him. I learned to treat him like a father and a friend. I’d sometimes be a little angel and do what He would want of me, and other times I’d feel I’d failed. In those cases He would do something to pick me up, dust me off and get me going again. Sometimes I’d be like a grumpy teenager, saying, ‘Must I do this, or that?’ But in spite of my doubts about things at times, in my heart I was confident of His love, care and protection. I believed on a deep level that God would show me the way.

After separating from Pam, it took a lot of time to regain full trust and faith in the type of life God wanted me to live. I had to stop seeing myself as a failure because life did not go the way I expected. Now, when I see people judging their lives, I tell them not to; we can never see the full picture. Experience has shown me that whenever I go through difficulties I should wait and listen with trust and an open heart, and eventually structure, peace and calm will emerge from the chaos. It’s really then we come to understand the teaching in the pain.

When something is going on that you can’t control, all you can do is go through it with as much awareness as possible. In many ways the story of the twin flames was so much out of my control that the only way of coping was by living, as the song says, ‘one day at a time, sweet Jesus’. I had to allow the story to unfold. It merged into life, with one day following another and one experience rolling into the next one. My life was never easy, rarely calm and always challenging, with certain events often unbalancing me and forcing me to play catch-up.

I don’t know if things actually ever do get easier, for I have found life is full of ups and downs, and of changes and deaths and births and rebirths. Some people seem to thrive in the chaos of life and some don’t. Mum had brought all six of us up to be resilient, but all that happened on my journey tested my faith to the limit.

At times during this period of my life God was definitely in the doghouse and it was to be a while before I let Him out and fully accepted the gift in the tears. You could definitely say I was sulking with God.

CHAPTER 2

The Clinics

B

eing in County Clare on the west coast of Ireland was easier than being on Achill Island as