Fragile and Flourishing

By Sana' K.C.N. Watts

I’m a Christian, someone who has transferred trust of her life to Jesus. A woman of faith. And it’s hard to hold my faith and my anxiety-depression in tension. My hold for a few years has been fragile.

No one wants to be fragile.

And yet, I’m learning that, maybe, fragility is not something to be despised, avoided, or hidden but treasured, embraced and put on display.

Some days, I have bold faith that embraces this fragility. But there are also days when I’m just weary and I can no longer outrun the anxiety and depression. My chest always hurts and I’m constantly on edge trying not to think; when despair has caught up with me and everything seems meaningless and I genuinely don’t want to live anymore.

I have gone to countries where being a Christian is not just rare but unsafe, and yet I haven’t feared death there. The death I fear is by my own hand.

Jesus loving me has made all the difference.

So what does this mean for you? Know that Jesus loving you makes a difference and I invite you into knowing how He does by sharing my story with you.

Read:
- Original poetry
- A vulnerable story of trusting Jesus in becoming and being a Christian
- Ways for Christians to think about mental illness, mental health and suicide

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sana' K.C.N. Watts
• Release date: Jun 17, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005525750

Sana' K.C.N. Watts

Sana' Watts is a follower of Jesus who enjoys joining the ultimate Creator in creating worlds with her words. She is passionate about the intersection of faith and mental health as well as coming alongside people in their faith journeys. Sana' was a local missionary with Power to Change and is studying for her Master's in Pastoral Studies with a focus in Spiritual Care and Psychotherapy at Knox College. She is happily the wife of one husband and mother to a baby boy. She currently attends Church of the City Brampton. You can find her on social media at @skcnwatts.

Book preview

Fragile and Flourishing

SANA’ K.C.N. WATTS

Copyright 2021 by Sana' K.C.N. Watts

Edited by Somkenechukwu Ajagu-Amamgbo, Chris Shipley, Angela Gray and Daniel Bay.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the copyright owner.

Scripture quotations marked CSB have been taken from the Christian Standard Bible, Copyright 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible and CSB are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from the ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version), copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

DEDICATION

For my fellow fragile ones, you have never been alone.

And to little Sana', we did it. We wrote a book!!

Table of Contents

Introduction

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Conclusion

Acknowledgements

Notes

About the Author

This symbol¹ is used to warn others that the contents inside a box are fragile. As a symbol that resonates with me very strongly, I ask that you handle this book as the fragile cup of my story. I hope you enjoy the drink that it holds.

I used to lie all the time. In my answer to the question: how are you?

My heart would cringe and my mind would react and my tongue would shape words that my lungs would give me the breath to speak.

But this happened before I would even have time to blink or think, it was a reflex.

Like when we check the box that says we've read and agreed to the terms and conditions, when we've barely skimmed the text.

But to be fair here, it's the lie that you want to hear.

You check the box of asking the question although with it comes the weight of an answer that you'd rather skip over.

But I'm too tired to lie anymore.

Now, my heart still cringes and my mind still reacts and my tongue shapes the words that my lungs would breathe out and I pause.

In that brief instant, I evaluate what the situation calls for and I check with my creator for wisdom and then I speak truth from my bosom and somewhere in my

soul, another piece of my shame and fear break off and leave a hole to be filled with what wholeness looks like.

Basically, my go to answer these days is: okay enough.

Enough to wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed. Enough to breathe. Enough to stand. Enough to smile - sometimes. Enough to not break in someone's hands. Enough to hold with feeble fingers onto faith.

But not enough to say that I'm good, fine, or okay.

Okay enough, but really fragile. Like nerves become panic attacks now. And stress leaves me paralyzed for hours. And fears of being rejected or abandoned easily lead to me weighing out how much I want to live and want to die - and the scale tips in death's favour, as life's flavour tastes more bitter than sweet. Where the light at the end of the tunnel and me have yet to meet.

Where my mess hasn't yet turned into a message and the testimony is still a test. And there is no rest in my chest as adrenaline floods my body to deal with a threat and so what's meant to protect drives me to crave my own death.

Ironic, isn't it?

I'm okay enough to not act on these thoughts. But not okay enough to not think them so easily.

Fragile.

I wasn't always this fragile. I wasn't always so easily broken. I wasn't always so needy. I wasn't always so dependent. I wasn't always so authentic, I wasn't always so real, I wasn't always so free. And I'll take freedom with fragility over slavery that looks like strength.

My freedom may be fragile but it's true, truer than the superficial strength I once projected to you, you who never saw my chains because they glittered like jewels, but sparkly shackles of success are only gold for fools.

Give me failure, so that I can remember that there is no correlation between my worth and what I achieve, because I'm an ambassador for a kingdom where there is no meritocracy, so what I deserve and what I'm worth equates to receiving mercy. Success taught me that love could be earned. Failure forces all of that to be unlearned.

That I am loved with no because. Just because. The I AM loves me for who I Am, it gets kinda circular. Like a ring, which I think is supposed to mean infinity, like never ending, like this state of being loved by Love for love's sake is my eternal resting place.

And do you know what this means? That our beloved Rest in peace cliché is a false dichotomy. Because we can rest in peace now on this side of eternity.

There is glory in the feebleness yet forbearance of faith, for in it fear's power is forfeited and my fragility is fortified by my Faithful Father as I gaze upon His face.

So, I will remain fragile, if this is what it takes.

If the only way that I'll breathe in tandem with His heartbeat is if I otherwise can't breathe at all, I'll stay here.

If the only way I will seriously obey the command to renew my mind is if it's filled with cognitive distortions,

I'll stay here.

If the only way that I'll humble myself to cast my cares on Him is if it's these cares I carry,

I'll stay here.

I'll stay. I'll remain. I'll abide.

This may be what authentic abundant abiding looks like, for others to eat of this fruit that fragility bears and meet the Gardener in faith.

It looks like flourishing and fragility are yet another paradox to embrace.

So, next time you see me face-to-face and ask me the question: how are you?

I'll tell you the truth.

Because fragility frees me to.

Fragile by Sana' Watts, 2019

INTRODUCTION

My parents had no idea that 1996 would be such an awkward year to bring a child into the world. Every generation is named because of the common characteristics its people share, but the 96’ers are an enigma. In any given textbook, they could be slotted in with millennials or with Generation Z.

I default to being a millennial. I had to engage our dial-up connection before being able to access the internet. When the phone was being used, I would have to play with Paint, Minesweeper, or Spider Solitaire. I still remember a time without YouTube.

I’m a millennial through and through. And while my generation never thought to eat Tide Pods (Did Gen Z think we’d accept credit for that brilliant idea?), there are some unique aspects of being a millennial—one of which was a brand-new life stage that came about through our generation: growing through emerging adulthood. Basically, emerging adulthood means that millennials take a little longer to grow up. We tarry an achieving the traditional markers of adulthood, which includes getting married, having children, falling into a career, and buying a permanent living residence.

What it means for me, though, is that I actually had a life stage to dedicate this book toward. The tumultuous years of my life where I broke into several pieces marked the years where I emerged. But the beautiful experience of having God put me back together were a part of those years as well.

Lots of pain, lots of grace.

I see these as my fragile years.

The definition of fragile is easily broken or damaged; flimsy or insubstantial; not strong or sturdy but weak and vulnerable; delicate; tenuous².

The first time I remember using this word fragile to describe myself was with my best friend. I was newly married, in month three, and this was one of the first times that she and I had had time together since the wedding day. We were going to catch up over pizza and then watch a movie. At the time, I was reading through the book of Ecclesiastes alongside a sermon series. I could very much identify with King Solomon - everything in life felt meaningless and futile. Indeed, it did all seemed like a chasing after the wind.

At the time, life was all around good. I was serving the Lord, enjoying the pleasures of intimacy in marriage with my husband, and building a home. I should have been experiencing purpose and pleasure in spades.

But I wasn’t.

As I sat across from my friend with the sticky table between us, I was finally able to admit that I could see no purpose or meaning to the life I was living. Every positive thing I saw happening seemed to be met with a negative counterweight that fell with equal or greater measure. I told her that I felt so fragile, so quick to break at any moment.

She didn’t try to make me feel better. She was in a tough season of faith herself and so listened and held my hand. She smiled at me and affirmed that I was loved even in this season. By her, by my husband, and by our God.

I wish I could say that this fragile state lasted only a few months, but it didn’t. Life got harder.

I never wanted to be fragile, loved ones. But I had no choice in the matter. This was God’s plan for me. It may be His plan for you.

Biblical Fragility

I never doubted God’s love, wisdom or goodness so much as I did in the following year of my life. But I have learned, and am still learning, that in His hands, fragility and flourishing are not mutually exclusive. He brings them together.

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile everything to himself, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross (Col 1:19-20 CSB).

Yes, He even reconciles these things. How is this not a stretch of these verses, you ask. Where do I see fragility and flourishing coming together at the cross? Well, to answer that question, we have to rewind quite a bit.

We, as human beings, were created in the image of God (Gen 1:26-27) to be mediators of His presence in the world and to represent Him to creation. We were created to be in a perfect relationship with Him and so we were. We perfectly loved God, each other, ourselves and creation. All of this would remain true so long as we listened to God and trusted in Him; as we lived in dependence upon Him because He is everything good.

But Adam and Eve decided that they didn’t want to be image-bearers of God, but wanted to be God. By breaking His command to not eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they were choosing to be independent. Independence from God makes us enemies of God and results in fear, shame, relational conflict, broken creation, insecurity, pain and death; spiritually and physically.

Yet God would not let humanity stay there. He would become human for us to have a new and right relationship with Him again. That is what Jesus’ life, death and resurrection was all about. How amazing is it that our all-powerful, strong, unbreakable God would become fragile for us. He would become weak, vulnerable and breakable for us to be reconciled to Him once more. In reconciliation to our God, we have access to all that we were created to be, and we have His very presence in us: flourishing. In believing this, we can walk in His power and strength.

And this is the good, the flourishing, the joyful life that He has for us:

"We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to