Volunteer Parent

By Erin Daniel

Parents can feel like they aren't entirely prepared for parenthood. They intend to raise their kids to be caring, confident and responsible humans and hope their current strategies will be successful. But really, they are just winging it. As volunteer parents, we're all just winging it. Parents can be left feeling like they're juggling a lot wit

• Language: English
• Publisher: Erin Daniel LLC DBA Great Golden Press
• Release date: Nov 2, 2022
• ISBN: 9798987059722

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Copyright © 2022 Erin Daniel

First Edition. Published by Great Golden Press.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the author or publisher except as permitted by U.S. Copyright Law.

To request permission, contact Erin Daniel at

[e-mail]

Volunteer Parent

Edited by Jules Hucke

Cover and interior design by Mike Fontecchio

Cover photo by Erin Daniel

ISBN: 979-8-9870597-2-2

Dedicated to my incredible family.

Thank you for all the inspiration,

solid writing material, and countless laughs.

I love you more than you could ever know.

Table of Contents

Preface

Brainwashing

Please

Losing My Cool

Dog Food

Special Breakfast

Schitt

Penises and Vaginas

Little Girl

Lemonade Stand

Cans

Body Love

Fuel

Abduction

Lean In

Martini Wednesday

House Economy

Day of Fun

Just Leave

Because You’re a Girl

Adventure

Involve Them

Epilogue by Michael

References: Other Professionals' Great Ideas

Preface

Iam not a professional parent. I’m not trained, and I don’t have a parenting degree. I didn’t go to college for this. I signed up willingly. I’m not employed here; I’m just a volunteer! I’ve offered to coach my kids and help guide them through life in an unpaid position. I am a volunteer parent. A volunteer is someone who undertakes a service for no pay. Someone who has free time and wants to relinquish some of it to give back to others and share their knowledge and skills. Typically, people can leave a volunteer position and go back to their cozy home, knowing that other volunteers will show up to pick up where they left off.

Parenting, though, is different. Your kids essentially never leave. They are with you all the time, saying "Mom. Mom. Mom! Mom!" all day long. Regardless of the time of day, regardless of the day of the week, regardless of whether you are off work or not: your volunteer job is active. Your free time is gone. You get no pay. And no one shows up to relieve you. You are always on.

It sure sounds difficult, and at times a little painful. As a young adult, I remember hearing people say being a parent was the hardest job they’d ever taken on. Should it be? Should it be hard?

I strolled into parenthood cautiously after babysitting for years and after watching friends and coworkers serve this role before me. I used to watch other parents, not judging, but observing. I liked to observe actions by the parents and then observe the reactions by the kids, immediate reactions, and also reactions years later. Parenting is absolutely a cause-and-effect experience.

I remember watching young parents who told their child No once, and the child reacted by crying and throwing a fit, kicking their feet and even squeezing out a tear or two. An embarrassing event for sure. The parents gave in and bought them the toy or sugar cereal the child wanted, and all moved on thinking no harm had been done. The child got the desired toy, and the parents got peace and quiet, ending the humiliation. The next time the child asked for a toy or sugar cereal, the parents gave in without a fight to avoid the negative reaction. So much easier.

As time moved on, however, the child started to realize that they could throw a fit and the result would be getting whatever they wanted. Watching this, I learned that as a volunteer parent, it’s important to stand our ground. It’s a good idea to teach children that life sprinkles challenges on them in all different ways, and they will have to learn to deal with them. Our unpaid job is to prepare them for life, letting them go out into the world on their own. Would it be much fun in life if everyone always got everything they wanted anyway?

I watched the child eventually grow up to become an adult who threw a temper tantrum when they didn’t get their way. No adult should act that way, and it really should start with teaching them as children that there are behavior rules. It is really annoying when a coworker throws a temper tantrum when they don’t get their way; it does not look pretty on anyone.

I work as a financial advisor. I recall watching one of my clients give their college-aged child a credit card. The bill would go to the parents, and they would pay it via automatic payment. The child really had no restrictions on what she could purchase (it could be food, toilet paper, clothes, beer, or a vacation). The agreed-upon expectation was that the child would charge on it, and the parents would pay the bill. That simple. The amount of the bill didn’t matter, nor the purchases that went onto the card. The parents would just pay it off, allowing her to have the true college experience.

That child grew up to be an adult who had expensive taste and didn’t save. She assumed money would show up without her having to do much more than ask. She was disappointed that when she got married, Dad stopped showing up with an endless credit card. Is she prepared for life? Maybe. Will she have a rough road learning to appreciate the value of a dollar, and being financially prepared for what lies ahead? Yes.

As a coach for our children, our job is to prepare them for life and keep them safe—and to love them. In the preparing-them-for-life department, my husband and I tried ideas we encountered along the way, observed strategies from other parents in either a positive or negative way, or just created them from scratch. A lot of them turned out to work well. We’ve had some bumps along the way as all parents do, but overall, we’ve had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs, and our kids have turned out to be outstanding humans (in my humble opinion). A lot of our ideas are different, unconventional, or even frowned upon by other parents. But they have worked, and our kids are kind and well prepared for life.

At the end of each chapter, I have summarized my advice and then included a resource where you can find more information or learn more about why the advice works. Links to all sources are in the References section at the end of the book. Each resource offers insight from a professional and I strongly encourage you to read them.

No one should replicate our lives, because everyone is different; every child is different and every family dynamic is different. But if you find some ideas here that improve your relationship with your children, I consider it a success. Being a parent is the most rewarding gift I have ever received. Not only does it allow me to love fiercely; it allows me to laugh more, enjoy life more, and watch actual people grow and develop. I have always loved a challenge, and it has forced me to use my creative mind in new and inventive ways.

My husband and I were fortunate to get married later in life, which gave us time to observe others around us. We have busy lives, but we’ve learned it’s important to make time for our kids, and also time for ourselves and each other. I run a successful practice, and my husband owns and manages four businesses. We have three young kids and a Great Dane rescue. It would be easy to tell our kids we don’t have time to do everything they want or to listen to them all the time, that we’re just too busy. We’ve learned, though, that the kids really want to be heard and they want us to listen. So that’s what we’ve done.

1

Brainwashing

The moment Anna was born, all my plans of being a boy-mom vanished. I had been prepared for a life filled with dirt. I was prepared for blue and gray everything. I had convinced myself that we were having a boy and I was ready for an oh-so-sweet Boys sure do love their moms connection. But when my daughter was born, I panicked. Worry came rushing in. How would I teach her to love her body? How would I teach her to be confident? How would I teach her to lov e herself?

I grew up believing I could do anything my brother could do. My dad’s expectations for me were the same as for my brother, and it was unacceptable to fall short because he knew I could do it. And I believed I could do it too. But how did that happen? What made me believe I could do anything? I looked up to my dad, and for the most part, I believed what he told me.

Soon after Anna learned to talk, I recalled from studying for tests in college that if we say something out loud, we’re more likely to remember it. It helps ingrain the material in our brains. If we say it out loud over and over, we can remember it for a long period of time. And if we say it out loud over and over for a long period of time, we start to believe it.

One day on the way to daycare, I said, Anna, you are beautiful. Can you say that? Say, ‘I am beautiful.’

As a toddler, she stumbled through repeating me: I bootful.

"That’s right, honey; you are beautiful. Anna is also sweet. Can you say that? Say ‘I am sweet.’"

I seet, Anna responded in her cute little voice from her car seat in the back row.

"Anna is sweet. Anna is also smart. Can you say ‘I am smart’ now?"

I mart, Anna gleefully said.

Yes you are! Anna is beautiful, Anna is sweet, and Anna is smart.

She was smiling, relaxed, and enjoying the scenery. By the end of this quick exercise, she was visibly more confident than when we’d left the house. She was filled with happy thoughts. By saying it out loud, she was starting to believe it. Granted, she wasn’t even two yet. She was just learning to talk, but she knew what those words meant.

I thought if she learned to believe she was beautiful from the very beginning, she wouldn’t have to try to convince herself of this later in life. So many kids grow up feeling like they’re not good enough or not pretty enough: I wish I had straight hair. If only my hair were thicker. I wish I had brown eyes. I wish my teeth were straighter or my face wasn't so round. People have a tendency to always want something, anything, other than what we have. Society teaches that girls and women should strive toward an image of feminine perfection, and boys and men should be tough and physically strong, no matter what gifts we were originally given. Anna with her blonde curls and bright blue eyes—I wanted her to be grateful for those and appreciate all that made her unique. She was perfect the way she was, but so are each of us. We are all perfectly unique and beautiful, each for different reasons.

When Anna got older, Tori arrived. One had blonde curls and one had straight brown hair, complete opposites. We celebrated the cute curls, and we celebrated the straight-haired brunette. One held pigtails better, and one held a French braid better. We talked about how beautiful their bright blue eyes are and how fortunate they each are for their individual blessings.

I also thought if our children believed they were sweet at a young age, it would be a good reminder to be kind out in the world to others. Gosh, if we had more kindness everywhere, what a better world it truly would be. I wanted my kids to be kind, to be thoughtful and considerate. I wanted them to spread kindness and speak in a courteous way. I thought if they told themselves they were sweet, that might be a good start.

Lots of young girls grow up thinking they can’t do things because they’re girls. They may think they can’t play football in the yard with the neighborhood kids because they are girls. They may think they can’t hike through the creek in the woods because they are girls and shouldn’t get wet and dirty. I wanted my sweet girls to know that their opportunities are endless, in large part because they are girls (more on that later). This started with believing they are smart. If they believe they can handle anything, if they believe they are smart enough, and if they believe they can do it, they are already ahead of the crowd. I wanted to continue changing the narrative that women are lesser. That females should get paid less because they are women. That females should work in the home because they are women. Why not start with a foundation of teaching girls to believe in themselves,