Beautiful Death

By Courtney Jo

Courtney Jo, who has experienced trauma from abandonment, sexual abuse and violence, did what you might expect: She turned to alcohol, sex and drugs for comfort.

Her coping behaviors led to self-harm, destructiveness, codependency, negative self-talk, depression, anxiety and so much more.

At a young age she suffered alcoholism, overeating, and heavy drug use. When she became pregnant with her son she had an abortion. She got pregnant again giving birth to her second son, who died 2 hours later. Courtney had lost all hope of becoming a mother.

Six months later she was pregnant again, but this time, she was in jail facing fifteen years in prison. Wanting out of the never ending vicious cycle of death she knew there had to be a way back to life. She asked herself what it is that caused her to dig such a deep dark hole.

Desperate for answers, she turned to Jesus and found salvation.

Join the author as she reveals how God took her and molded her into an image like His son, Jesus Christ. You’ll learn that our Lord and Savior can change your life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Nov 18, 2022
• ISBN: 9781664278639

Courtney Jo

COURTNEY JO used and abused drugs for twenty years. She was pregnant and addicted to meth when she decided to pray. A short time later she was arrested facing a fifteen-year sentence. She wrote this book to share how God moves in our lives. She went from being a wretch to being saved by grace, faithfully raising her daughter in the body of Christ. She is a leader in the recovery community, serving as a CF-L1 and a recovery coach. She was promoted to the coordinator position for Celebrate Recovery in 2020. She is based in Columbus, Indiana.

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 Courtney Jo.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means,

graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by

any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher

make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book

and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

844-714-3454

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7864-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7865-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7863-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022917339

WestBow Press rev. date: 11/17/2022

Unless otherwise noted, scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW

INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011

by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked (AMP) taken from the Amplified® Bible (AMP), Copyright

© 2015 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.lockman.org

Scripture quotationsmarked (NASB) taken from the (NASB®) New American

Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman

Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. www.lockman.org

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation,

copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of

Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NIrV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International

Reader’s Version®, NIrV® Copyright © 1995, 1996, 1998, 2014 by Biblica, Inc.® Used

by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

www.zondervan.com The NIrV and New International Reader’s Version are trademarks

registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from The Message, copyright

© 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress.

All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers.

Scripture marked (KJV) taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible,

English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry

of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture marked (NKJV) taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright

© 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

One day I will die, and you will all need to move on.

photo1ilovethatyouremyGIGI1.jpgphoto1ilovethatyouremyGIGI2.jpg

Contents

Part 1: I Love That You’re My Gigi

Preface

Chapter 1 In Honor of Judy Secrest

Chapter 2 Red Light Decision

Chapter 3 Born into the Wild

Chapter 4 A Little Bit of Heaven

Chapter 5 The Brown Towel

Chapter 6 To Hold Oneself Accountable

Chapter 7 Fall Back In

Chapter 8 Chance or Choice?

Chapter 9 My Last Words

Chapter 10 Our Last Vacay

Chapter 11 Just Nod and Smile

Chapter 12 Down, Down, Down

Chapter 13 Carried

Chapter 14 Going through the Motions

Chapter 15 Don’t Give Up

Chapter 16 Use a Priority List

Chapter 17 Breakthroughs

Chapter 18 Morning After

Chapter 19 Broken Pieces

Chapter 20 It’s Time to Get Up!

Chapter 21 Beautiful Death

Chapter 22 End of the Week

Chapter 23 For the Love of Books

Chapter 24 Grandma’s Clothes

Chapter 25 Let Me Be Ugly, Not!

Chapter 26 Replace Trying with Training

Chapter 27 The Red Bird

Chapter 28 The Goldfinch

Chapter 29 Just Appreciate Her

Chapter 30 Take Care of It

Chapter 31 Rush, Rush, Hush

Chapter 32 Pain Body

Part 2: Doors of Salvation

Preface

Chapter 33 Malachi

Chapter 34 Doors of Salvation

Chapter 35 Faith

Chapter 36 Hope

Chapter 37 Love

Chapter 38 Nightmare

Chapter 39 1 Peter 5:8

Chapter 40 Crush the Head of the Devil

Chapter 41 Seg Holding 7

Chapter 42 422

Chapter 43 Seg Holding 9

Chapter 44 The Lord’s Covenant

Chapter 45 Study of Deuteronomy (NIV)

Chapter 46 Study of Philippians (NIV)

Chapter 47 James

Chapter 48 Hosea 12:6

Chapter 49 Inquire of God

Chapter 50 Grace and Truth

Chapter 51 Remain in Him

Chapter 52 Forgiveness

Chapter 53 Vessels

image2Broyfamily.jpg

Broy Family

PART 1

I Love That You’re My Gigi

Preface

I’ve recently changed my perspective on expectations to a better attitude. I wake up every day expecting something good to happen to me.

I forget what is behind and move toward what lies ahead and press on toward the goal. (Philippians 3:13–14 NIV)

One of the things that keeps us from progressing forward is fear. The only force that overcomes fear is faith. When we have faith, we act. I share about many things in this book. During the period I took care of my grandmother, I allowed my thoughts and emotions to overwhelm me. I pretended that everything was supposed to be in order. That has never been the case. A part of what feeds this energy is my aunt and her way of living. She is very good at living the way she does. My aunt is an amazing woman. She tries to help me live right. I am thankful for her example. Although I have stubborn tendencies, deep down I know that she only wants what is best. Our home life is manageable today. It isn’t where I would like for it to be. I am growing and learning how to surrender daily to God’s will for my life. It doesn’t just happen. I must work for it. As I suffer, I like to utilize pen and paper to journal what is going on inside. I’ve had breakthroughs with understanding others. When circumstances change, people have an opportunity to change. The balance my family has today about keeping the house clean and living together happens through the power of prayer and the effort I’ve put into training on how to do the next right thing. I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have examples from my family.

This temple I am housed in was full of clutter at one time. Remember: where the mind goes, the man follows (Joyce Meyer).

I believe what it says in the Bible: So the man thinks in his heart, so he be (Proverbs 23:7 AMP).

I wanted to capture the depression, anxiety, and fear that can become a person during such a tough season in his or her life. The root causes of my trauma were abandonment, neglect, sexual abuse, and domestic violence. These traumatic responses led to my drug and alcohol abuse. These coping behaviors also led to self-harm, destructiveness, codependency, mental abuse, negative self-talk, depression, anxiety, and so much more. So, how can I learn to change and develop good behaviors? I didn’t get into the truth until I turned thirty years old. I was prescribed anxiety medication at the age of nineteen. I got pregnant at twenty with my son, who had Down syndrome. At that time, I was consumed in the darkness of addiction and had poor decision-making skills. I did not have Jesus in my life. Fast forward ten years and I landed in jail facing fifteen years when I was three months pregnant. I know what depression feels like. I am familiar with that emotion. We live in a world full of hate and discomfort. I was fully aware. I always received little glimpses of the starlight, though. There were a few moments in the days I was lost. I could look up at the dark sky and still see the tiniest light, and I always knew that was meant to be me.

Just how could I ever get there?

How could I have done this to myself?

I had dug myself so deep into the ground that I could not climb my way out of it.

When would life change for me?

I was hopeless and helpless. Nothing was left in my soul but the chains the enemy used to hold me down in the grave. When I would reach out to my family I acted like a fool. Finding out I was pregnant again for the third time did something to me. I cared for the baby in my belly, and I needed help. So, I prayed.

In this book you will read about my journey during a season in my life that I never thought I could handle sober minded. But God took me and molded me into an image like His Son Jesus Christ. I wanted my real, raw thoughts plastered for the world to see to prove that Jesus Christ saves lives.

All you need to say is either Yes or No; anything beyond this is from the evil one. (Matthew 5:37 NIV)

I want to share the battles of stepping outside of myself and putting others first. Especially when those other people are family members. I discovered how to recognize the ego of the flesh and put it to death. Speaking of death, my resurrection came after I prayed one day in the woods. A short time after I made the decision to change, came my grandmother’s death. I, along with the rest of my family members, were witnesses to my grandma’s death. I was also her full-time caretaker leading up to her death. I put down everything I had going on in my life to be of service to her. Would I do it again? Absolutely. I took myself away from my family for nearly twenty years under the curse of addiction. I was fortunate enough to have come clean three and half years ago. So, I did get some time with her before her passing. My grandma was one who woke up every morning and would turn on the QVC shopping network. She was the glue that kept my family together. She was strong. We have always been family oriented. I remember the vacations we took when I was a child, and every year we went to the same places. Every year we went to the car shows. My grandparents went to the horse races, Indy 500, Brickyard. When I was absent, I am not sure what went on. I missed out on all that time to learn and get to know my family better. Our family had dinner together every Sunday. The house is always a home for any of us. My grandma spent thirty-three years as a seamstress for our local skaters. She had her own business, called Sew What, and would travel to state ice skating competitions to support her friends’ children and sell merchandise. I would have loved to capture so much more about who my grandma was and what she did on this earth, but the truth is I did not care for such a long time. I was not around. What I focus on is when I was around and what I did know, and that is what I am sharing with you. Let’s face it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Reach out to God. Find your Savior. Become a believer. Follow Jesus Christ to the best of your own ability. Do not try to be like anyone else. Don’t get yourself all caught up in thinking you have to believe like anyone else. Literally pick up the Bible and read it for yourself. Let it speak to your heart the way God intends to speak to you alone. My hopes are that someone reading this can relate to my story, and we can make that connection through God. All that matters to me is that God knows our hearts. He knows the impact my story can have on a lost and broken world. I am just here as a vessel and must take those steps of faith to get my story out there. I pray these words I speak will be a blessing to God.

Part 1 of this book, I Love That You’re My Gigi, is a beautiful story about a grandmother’s legacy and what it took for a family to process the grief of suddenly losing her. Part 1 is to honor my family, especially my grandmother, her life, and the impact her death had on me.

Part 2, Doors of Salvation, is my resurrection story and the radical changes scripture made in my life and how I’ve used the power of God’s Word to heal my brain and heal from pain. I leaned on God’s understanding and not my own through this whole process of becoming a better person. I don’t think I will reach my full potential to perfection. What I look for is progress.

Thank you for your support.

photo3InhonorofJudySecrest.jpg

1

In Honor of Judy Secrest

For thirty-three years, my grandmother, Judy Secrest, dedicated her life to making costumes for the local ice-skating show. She didn’t only design and sew these costumes for the show but also for each individual child who anxiously awaited their life-changing dress. And I have so much love for these ice-skating shows. It gives the talented athletes a chance to show their families and friends what they have been working so hard on over the past year. This was my favorite part of my childhood. And I had so many favorite parts!

I got to live with my grandparents, where my grandmother and her friends worked hard in the basement. They dedicated their lives to making these dreams come to completion. The behind the scenes of what it took to make these shows a success were the hot glue gun, rhinestones, sewing machines, thread, needles, fabric, and notebooks full of drawings. And did I mention fabric? My grandma always designed the costumes herself.

Very seldom did she use the patterns bought at stores. We would travel, state by state, to the best dealers around. The ones in the little, tiny parts of the huge brick buildings that were down the roads that nobody lived on type of dealers. Back then, there were only phone books and atlas maps. But Grandma knew these dealers personally. She knew where to go to get the best rhinestones, and that is the only place she would go to buy them.

And we didn’t just travel for materials. My grandma would travel to different state skating championships. She owned her own business, called Sew What. When we would travel with her friends and their children, who were competing, we would take her dresses and rhinestones and sell them at a booth. I loved doing this with my grandma.

She recently passed, and at her celebration of life, the friend I am speaking of told a memory. She said that one year, when they were traveling to a competition in Ohio, there was a bad snowstorm. She said that still didn’t slow down my grandma. She drove right through it anyway. My grandma had a passion about this sport that dates way back to before I was ever thought of.

image4.jpg

My grandma and grandpa raised six children. Three of the four girls were performers, whether they danced, skated, or became beauty pageant queens. My grandma designed all their costumes. She even made some of their clothes when they were babies. My aunt was only three years old when she started ice skating. She skated all through high school and became a professional ice skater for Disney on Ice.

When I was born, my aunt was only sixteen years old. One day, not too long ago, my aunt and I were going through some old pictures that my grandma wanted her to have. It was mostly when she was a teenager and all the competitions she won. There were pictures of all her friends, who traveled and worked on the show with her.

image5.jpg

My aunt got to go to some of the most amazing places and worked with the best of teams.

So when we sat down together and looked at these memories of hers, what I heard from her was different than what I had expected. We were looking at a picture of when she was sixteen years old, in a skating costume, and she was exhausted.

I was always so tired, she explained.

That’s when she decided to take a few years off from skating. What would it be like, to be a teenage athlete in a specific sport? You are up at five in the morning, every day, to get your practice in, before you start the other part of your day. I can imagine this today since I have become a healthier person. I include fitness as a way to live a healthier lifestyle. Any person with a full-time job or going to school full time can take those early hours, before the sun rises, to exercise or train in a specific sport. What I struggled with was being a single parent, training to live differently. I talk about that in this book.

What was I doing as a preteen/teenager at five in the morning?

I was probably drunk at Rend Lake. The life my aunt had was how most people lived who wanted to amount to anything. My aunt was an example of how hard work was all worth it in the end. What she has today was built on a firm foundation of faith and dedication. But to hear her explain how she felt about being a skating athlete came as a surprise to me.

I became aware of what it would take for me to be successful in my life. There was no backing down or quitting. But rest and taking it slow are necessary, and sometimes, we don’t know when to slow down. And I am a fast-paced worker, so it is hard for me to slow down.

As a little girl, I loved my aunt so much. I used to sleep with her picture under my pillow. When she would come visit us at home, it was my favorite time, and I would cry for hours when she would have to leave. It was exciting when Disney on Ice would come to Indianapolis, Indiana. That meant we would get to spend some time together, before and after the shows. The time was usually spent at my aunt’s condo.

All the people who skated in the show would come and have a huge get-together. It was my first experience with a guy who was gay. Of course, I was so young, and I didn’t understand any of it. Everyone would play the game Gestures. This was a family tradition for us. We played Charades all the time too, but when the Gestures game came out, it was our new hit.

So, it was my turn. I was the only seven- or eleven-year-old in the room, and the word I got was kiss. Guess what words I used to describe it? It’s what you do to a boy, I yelled out. Immediately, the gay guy hollered, Kiss. Everyone started cracking up laughing. I will never forget that memory. As my aunt from Texas and I were going through the pictures, we discovered the one of everyone on that L shaped couch, with me right in the middle of them.

That was how I grew up. Right in the middle of my aunts and uncles, as they were growing up too. And I wasn’t the only one who had this wonderful family. Shortly after I was born came my brother, Kameron, and my cousin, Keaton. Anytime my aunt had a show near us, we would go to it. I mainly remember going to Indy and Chicago. She played in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and Hercules. I used to have such a huge crush on the guy who played Hercules. It was always such a big deal to us kids, to get to go backstage and meet all the performers.

I want to thank my family for the best times ever.

The fact that I got so lost in alcoholism, before I was twelve, is beside me. But I do remember what coming to visit my grandma and grandpa’s house in Indiana gave me. It gave me hope, inspiration, and something to look forward to and love—so much love. I could beat myself up all day about how I took myself away from my family for twenty years. Instead, my choice is to do something about the time I have left. Which is why I decided to quit my jobs and take care of my grandma full time.

I had no money to pay my bills, and my grandpa had enough on his plate. All I had was faith. I trusted in a power greater than myself to provide for my needs. I trusted in Jesus Christ. And this may sound insane, but it worked. I’m not one who knows a lot about what is going on in the world. I don’t sit around and watch the news. I literally live one day at a time. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, who is fighting to stay sober and raise my beautiful daughter according to the faith. What I do with my time and effort is focused on how I can treat my family better and how I can be of service to the recovering communities.

How can I be of service to them?

By stepping out in faith, it wasn’t long before I received some income. Now I could pay my bills. Then we