How to Try to Go Out

By Elthea Marden

Do you still remember when your sofa was small, your TV was rubbish, you could afford to eat out, and you still knew people that you liked? Going Out used to be great, but then COVID-19 struck and you were made to stay at home for TWO YEARS.

Now, you can go WHEREVER you like. What are you waiting for? The world is your oyster, so sit comf

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elthea Marden
• Release date: Aug 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781802277173

Book preview

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Copyright © 2022 by Elthea Marden

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review.

FIRST EDITION

ISBNs

978-1-80227-717-3 (eBook)

978-1-80227-716-6 (paperback)

Dedicated to the Lionhearts of The Ukraine, who were forced to leave their homes in the most brutal of circumstances.

Your bravery and resilience are a lesson for us all to appreciate what we have.

Contents

Part I - Introduction 1

Chapter 1 - The Evolution & Uprising of the Sofa 3

Chapter 2 - Going Out Gear -v- Not Going Out Gear 7

Chapter 3 - The Perils of Shopping & How to Avoid It 11

Chapter 4 - Eating Out in Places & all the Reasons Not to Bother 15

Chapter 5 - How Television Has Changed/Not Changed 19

Chapter 6 - Transport & Why It’s Best Avoided 23

Part II - All About Other People & Why They Should Be Avoided 25

Chapter 7 - Sex & How to Have It 31

Chapter 8 - Avoiding the Gym & Other Activities Not to Do 35

Chapter 9 - Holidays – If You Must Go Out, Make It Matter 39

Chapter 10 - Dog Owners Find the Bodies 43

Chapter 11 - I’ve Done My Best to Teach You Everything I Know 45

Introduction

The Pesky Pandemic that started in 2019 has changed life for each and every one of us, affecting us all in different ways. ‘Lockdowns’ replaced ‘Lock-ins,’ and instead of indolently lounging around in pubs and shopping centres, we’ve been forced to lounge around at home instead. I believe that the hybrid state of Half-in/Half-out has suited the Great British Public more than we cared to admit. Suddenly, we have been given the excuse we’ve been hoping for, for years, to stop putting on our own personal one-man shows.

Once Half-in and Half-out replaced Lockdown, we began cautiously browsing in shops. The bravely vaccinated and the sceptical disbelievers came under scrutiny from little faces in pushchairs who tried in vain to understand whether these strange people were a friend or foe.

When the government restrictions lifted, we could go and do whatever we liked. The indoors, outdoors, or the outdoors, outdoors, called to us to eat microwaved ready meals from sticky, disinfected tables and choose over-priced food from sheets of wind-rattled A4 as we perched nervously at spaced-out tables. We dismissed Climate Change and embraced outdoor heaters as we shivered outdoors, ‘having fun.’

Bladder capacities were extended as we learned to ‘hold it,’ cross-eyed with effort, rather than brave the public lavatories. On the rare occasions when it became unavoidable to avoid voiding, new lengths and levels of ingenuity, fleet of foot and flexing were all applied to pee without touching ANYTHING – even yourself. Leaving a public space became a dance of daring, offered with military exchanges in doorways. All of this guarded nonsense has become ruefully amusing less than three years into the ‘New Life.’ Hopefully, in a decade, it will become hilarious, and Channel 5 will make a documentary about it that you can stay in to watch.

Shopping was less fun as there was limited touching, no trying, and restrictions as to what could be taken back; I’d hate to be trying to launch a career as a Pick‘n’mix salesman. It takes a hardened shopper to want to stand