Lessons Learned on My Journey with Jeff

By Linda Farris

Becoming the parent of a ‘’special child” can be a devastating event. It can also open doors you had never wished to enter, bring deeper friendships than you ever imagined, and give you love and joy you did not know exists. While encountering many challenges, the journey with Jeff has been one of unexpected environments, people and blessings.

“Every mother faces unexpected obstacles on her parenting journey. But what seems like an obstacle at first glance can actually be an unforeseen blessing. Such is the case for Linda Farris when her son, Jeff, was born. Linda shares her experience raising a child with disabilities and offers an honest and hopeful perspective that can benefit every family.”
—Karyn Tunks, Ph.D. is an author and professor emeritus
at University of South Alabama

“Jeff’s words are his own but he speaks a language all can understand. He speaks of joy and passion before our Lord. None can understand better than his mother.”
—Bryant Evans, Minister,
—Eastern Shore Church of Christ, Daphne, Alabama

“Linda Farris addresses her greatest life challenges and how she turns difficulty into positive life lessons. Fortunately for us, she possesses a charming writing style for which to share he life’s challenges in a way we can enjoy.”
—Bob Zeanah, author of the Sugar Bear series.

“Jeffrey’s enthusiasm and heart is a gift to us all. It is a joy to know him and his family. I am honored to be his physician.
—Dr. Andrew Dukes

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 13, 2022
• ISBN: 9781664268043

Linda Farris

Linda Farris is first a wife, mother, and Nana to six grandchildren and two greatgrand girls. She loves reading, art, travel and people. She has also written “Recipes and Memories from Mama’s Table”, a collection of family stories and recipes gathered over the years from family and friends.

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Copyright © 2022 Linda Farris.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

844-714-3454

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-6805-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-6806-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-6804-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022910248

WestBow Press rev. date: 06/29/2022

Contents

Introduction

1Challenges are often Opportunities

2Decisions

3There is Nothing like Family

4Preparing for a new Normal

5Our First Flight

6The Good Times

7Life changes quickly

8Adjusting to Change

9Change Becomes a Part of Life

10Together Again

11Moving to Virginia

12Life in Roanoke

13Our Tennessee Home

14Our Kentucky Home

15Change can be difficult

16A new home and a new life

Epilogue

My Thanks

to

Garlin, Jenny, and Kara for their part of this journey.

Without your love and support, Jeff’s life could have been

much different.

To Lindsey, Mallory, Baylie, Jacob, Kathryn, Chloe,

Avery and Margot.

You have made Jeff, Nana and Pop happy in so many ways.

To Doug, Curtis, and Brandon who have joined our family

making it complete.

I love you all, more than you can ever know

So many friends have supported, encouraged and loved us,

as we traveled on our journey, it is impossible

to name them all.

Please know you have made our lives wonderful.

We love you all.

ALSO BY LINDA FARRIS

Recipes and Memories

From

Mama’s Table

Introduction

The pale light of morning creeps across the ceiling as I hear a soft voice say, Mama. Lying still while hoping for a few more minutes of precious sleep, it comes again, a bit louder this time, Mama. Giving in, I drag my tired, sleep deprived body from a warm bed, hoping he might go back to sleep with some help to turn over and get more comfortable. That will not be happening today. Quietly opening his door while feeling a bit grumpy, I hear a tiny, questioning voice say, Mama? and my face is suddenly captured by a smile. As I open the blinds while singing Good morning to You, he twists around to start the day with the smile I love so much.

(Journal entry made after sickness and surgery left Jeff unable to turn himself over in his bed.)

This is how a typical day begins with our eternally two years old son. My wish is to share his story of a life filled with good times, bad times, happiness, sorrow, fun, laughter, frustration, confusion, and joy.

1

Challenges are often

Opportunities

W e had waited for the right time to try for a second child. My husband, Dad and Father-in-Law all wanted us to have a son. Not having the male mentality of the sixty’s, I did not understand this pressure to produce male children. Still, I thought it would be great to have a little boy now that we had a beautiful little girl. Everyone was excited that we were pregnant again. Being a female who enjoyed being pregnant, most of the time, I looked forward to meeting this new little person growing inside me. The year was 1966. I was seven months into my second pregnancy and everything was good, life was simple and I thought it would stay that way.

It was time for my monthly checkup with the small-town doctor who had taken care of my family for many years. The small waiting room smelled of antiseptic and old magazines. I sat in one of the dark green leather chairs, facing the front entrance watching patients come and go. Others waited their turn in quiet conversation. The day was cool so I wore a little brown corduroy maternity skirt and top, in the style of the sixties. Hoping to get home soon to make dinner for my husband, Garlin, and our three-year old daughter, Jenny, I was beginning to become restless.

The front door opened and lady walked in, leading her son. The young man was a little taller than his mother and it was obvious, he was mentally handicapped. As I looked at the couple, it seemed the child I carried flipped over. The amazing physical reaction was followed by an emotional feeling and a sense of dread, causing me to look away quickly. The picture of that lady and her son remained in my mind all afternoon and evening. Keeping the event to myself, we ate our dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. After playing with Jenny for a while we went through the routine of getting her to bed. Jenny was a little night owl which often made it take a while to get her settled down to sleep. Finally, when Garlin was also fast asleep, I slipped out of bed to begin a night of walking the floor, weeping and begging God for another perfect baby. Finally, in the early morning hours, exhausted and dry of tears, I asked the Lord, If this child is going to have problems, please give me the ability to be the mother he or she will need. No one should say, This must have been a premonition. I can only write events as they happened.

Our first baby, Jenny, was delivered in Birmingham at what was then Carraway Methodist Hospital. My family doctor expected complications and the possible necessity of a cesarean delivery. Three years and nine months later he said everything should be okay for our baby to be born at the local community hospital. Garlin and I arrived around 10 pm, Dr. Keith examined me and said the baby would not come until the next day. One of the nurses told us the doctor was sick and had gone to bed downstairs. She assured us that he would be available if needed. I was dreading a long night of labor but that would have been better than what I got.

A nurse soon came in to get me ready, then she examined me again. My labor pains were at about three minutes at the time she did the exam. She caused me great pain and I was immediately in full labor. The doctor was there soon after I was taken to delivery. After being sedated everything became very confusing. I woke up several times to hear the doctor wanting to know who made the preparations, yelling for them to put me back under, seeming very upset. Our baby came into this chaotic environment at 11:30 pm, February 8, 1967, just 2 1/2 hours after we arrived at the hospital.

He was all knees and elbows, had his Paw Paw’s nose, too large for his tiny face, and his hair was an amazing silvery/sandy color. His Dad, who was beside himself with excitement over having a son said, That boy could palm a basketball with those long fingers. We named him Jeffrey Scott and he was obviously not happy to leave his comfortable place and join the human race, but his protests sounded weak. It was not the lusty, angry cry of most newborns. The first thing I said to him was, Oh, you poor little thing. I was wrong. Many people have said the same thing about Jeff, his Dad and myself. They are also wrong. I hope to share the story of my journey with Jeff with you so you can understand how life can be good even when things don’t turn out the way we have planned.

When you have a baby, you expect everyone to be as excited and happy about it as you are. If you are the mother of this child, you are hormonal and emotional. Anyone who fails to be appropriately excited has made a major failure. This happened as we were on our way home with our new son.

Some family members had not come to the hospital to stand at the viewing window and make over our little son so we stopped by to let them take a peek at him. I waited in the car, holding our little bundle (car seats were not required then) waiting for everyone to rush out to see our new baby boy. Time passed, no one came as this new mother grew more upset with each tick of the clock. Finally, everyone rushed out with congratulations and the expected gushing, while explaining that they were in the middle of a movie on TV. We all miss out on important events and time with loved ones by being involved in a television show, playing a game on our phones or checking Facebook every few minutes.

Lesson Learned: Life slips by us, day by day, and these moments can never be reclaimed.

KJV James 4:14- What is your life? It is even a vapor, it appears for a little time, then vanishes away.

Our little girl had been so excited about our family having a baby. I’m sure she thought it would be like having a doll she could play with and enjoy. Seeing her new baby brother, she was obviously disappointed. He just lay there and she had no idea what she could do with him. We made the necessary photographs after getting home with Jenny standing beside the blanket wrapped bundle looking somewhat bewildered.

Baby Jeff had not cried since we left the hospital. After feeding him and putting everyone to bed, I was thinking of a long sleepless night ahead. However, waking the next morning I found him still sleeping peacefully. Each of these occurrences planted a little seed of dread in the back of my mind but Jeff was contented and grew as he should. Soon he was smiling at his little sister, and his Mom and Dad. On Easter Sunday, we attended worship services at the Eldridge congregation where I had grown up, became a Christian, and married the love of my life. My Aunt Oveta sat next to me and happened to see me looking at our new son as I held him in my arms. She leaned over to me and whispered, That is the most beautiful picture of love I have ever seen.

Jenny had held her head up and looked around the hospital room on the first day of her life. At three months, Jeff would try to look up and smile but his little neck just wasn’t strong enough to hold his head upright. It would soon flop back down on my shoulder. I took him to see Dr. Birdsong every month and every month the same tests for strength and coordination were repeated. He failed them miserably as I watched, wanting to ask the doctor if he thought there was something wrong. By the time the tests were finished the lump in my throat was so large and the unshed tears were so near, the question still lay on my heart. I carried the dreaded secret with me every day, hoping we would wake up to find our little son as strong as he was pleasant.

Going for Jeff’s nine month checkup, the question had to be asked. Jeff could barely hold his head up and was not sitting alone. I had squeezed him into the corner of the sofa to make pictures, pretending he was sitting up on his own. However, looking at those pictures today it is obvious that he is only going to be there a few seconds before toppling over. The kind doctor did the usual tests, hardly looking at me. He then looked into my tear-filled eyes and said, Linda, I think we should have a pediatric specialist take a look at Jeff. I nodded and he left the room, coming back shortly with an appointment date for us to take Jeff to a doctor in Birmingham.

(A dear aunt sent me a story she had found, many years ago. I’m not sure why she sent it to me but it’s message has meant more to me as the years go by. It will apply to anyone’s life however, it has seemed to be a picture of my life with Jeff.)

"Your, trip of a lifetime has been on your mind for a long time. Saving every dollar and coin you can, your commitment finally pays off. You have saved enough to buy airline tickets and cover the cost of your special trip.

Bags are packed, tickets bought, and the day of departure finally arrives for you to fly away on your dream trip to Italy. Every day is planned and you can hardly wait to see Rome, Florence, Venice, and Naples. You will be able to enjoy seeing the Colosseum, beautiful fountains, historic architecture and art while enjoying the amazing food you have dreamed of tasting, as long as you can remember.

After the long, overnight flight, you are getting ready for the landing. Then, you hear the pilot come on the speaker to say, Thank you for flying with us today, ladies and gentlemen. We hope you enjoy your stay in Holland. You begin to protest loudly, No, no, no! You don’t understand! I was going to Italy! It’s too late, you have arrived in Holland."

Our guide and companion, for the past 55 years, in this land where we had no plans to spend our lives, has made our journey unique, blessed and enriched in many ways. Jeff finds joy in his love of people, music and laughter, while filling our lives with all this and much, much more. It has been a wonderful trip, after all.)

2

Decisions

O n a warm November day, Garlin and I took Jeff to see the pediatric specialist in Birmingham. We were both anxious but Jeff was as happy as could be. He has always loved going for a ride in the car.

The doctor was very thorough and kind. Finishing the examination, he turned to us and said, Jeff will never walk or play sports. His trunk muscles have not developed as they should. He is healthy and intelligent and should be able to have a good life. He told us there was really nothing available in Birmingham at that time to help Jeff, advising us to keep him on his stomach to strengthen his back and neck muscles. We thanked him as he left us, holding our emotions in and pretending everything was perfectly normal.

Our car was parked next to the curb, under some beautiful old water oak trees. When Jeff was settled into his car bed, we stood beside the car with our arms wrapped around each other and cried our hearts out. The sixty-mile drive home gave us time to reassure each other that everything would be okay.

Sharing the doctor’s words with our families was a difficult task, although there was some relief in having them know what they probably suspected. The next day Jeff was on his stomach, while I tried to get him to raise his little head and look at Mommy. Garlin’s sister, Annell, came by for a visit. As we sat talking about our news, she said to me, You two were chosen to have a special child because you are special people. I found this to be a shocking conclusion and replied, I don’t want to be special and I don’t think God would punish Jeff because we might be special.

Looking back, I know that Jeff is special. His smile has lit up rooms and warmed the hearts of everyone who has taken time to get to know him. Our friends have always been the very best people around. They have accepted Jeff and the fact that we are not as free to go places and do things as they might be. My heart broke a little bit every time I saw a look of pity on the face of a stranger. They could not imagine the love and joy this little person gave us every day. Life was good, our home was full of love, we had two beautiful children. There was just one problem, our little son was not growing stronger. It seemed there was nothing we could do for him more than keep him on his stomach and urge him to raise his little head. We begged, pleaded and teased Jeff, but he could barely raise his head enough to turn it from one side to the other. That sweet smile was always on his face though, even with all our aggravation.

The specialist had told us a new group would be seeing patients in Birmingham soon, hopefully within the next six months. This gave us some hope, although it did not work out as planned. Winter passed and we received a call to let us know it would be a while longer. Summer brought a call to say vacations and other things would postpone any reason for us to bring Jeff back to the new facility they planned to call the Center for Learning and Development Disorders or CDLD.

Farris01.jpg

We would soon begin a lifelong journey, in

the hope of giving Jeff a good life.

One day Mother and her sister, Tava, came for a visit. They often came, to have a cup of coffee, see the kids and help out a bit, always stopping to pull a few weeds around the steps or work on my plants on their way into the house. This day Tava brought a copy of a Reader’s Digest magazine. She had found an article in it about a new technique of therapy for children called patterning. It was being done at a clinic in Philadelphia, Pa. with very interesting results. We were starting to feel desperate by that time so I made a call to ask for information. A week or two later a large application form arrived in the mail requiring me to gather all the medical information available about Jeff.

Needing the findings of the specialist we had seen in Birmingham, I gave him a call. When I told him of our plans, he said he had heard of the new treatment in Philadelphia. When told we were thinking of taking Jeff up there to start the program he said, Well, it’s probably a good thing, but in my opinion, it’s just too hard on the family. Sitting at our dining room table, I felt like a child who has had her face slapped. After thanking him for his concern I replied, Nothing can be harder than not being able to do anything to help him.

The envelope containing everything there was to know about Jeff, his sister, parents and extended family was soon on its’ way back to Philadelphia. We were given an appointment for a consultation in August, 1968. We began preparing to make the journey north to Philadelphia. Being blessed with a large family was a real bonus at this time. Mother’s brother, who happened to be my favorite uncle, and his family lived in Levittown, approximately an hour from the clinic in Media, a suburb of Philadelphia. We knew a visit with them would be a part of our exciting trip, we just didn’t realize how much help we would need from them.

Lesson learned: Challenges often bring opportunities.

KJV- John 14:27 Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.

Many changes were necessary for us to be able to take on this challenge. We had to give up ministering to two congregations of the Church in Hodges and Mount View, Alabama. These wonderful Christian people had treated us as family, and we had grown to love and appreciate them. We started traveling the thirty-four miles, from our home in Haleyville, to Hodges, Alabama early every Sunday morning, before Jenny was 6 months old. Often, I was feeding or dressing her on the way to begin our busy day. There were many Cheerios dropped in our car as we made our early Sunday morning travels.

Garlin delivered a lesson at the Hodges congregation as part of their worship service. From there we traveled down the road, approximately five miles, to the Mount View congregation where he taught a Bible class and delivered a sermon.

Jenny loved the teenage Willeford girls there, and all the attention they gave her. As soon as the service ended the girls came to get her and off