How Not to Date A Dragon

By Stephanie Burke

Ulvissar, the solitary black omega dragon, is tired of virgin sacrifices. Who even likes humans that way?

However this sacrifice, Alita, is different. She's brave, bold, and brash. So he decides he'll keep her. After a few hundred years and countless women in his horde, he’s ready to finally accept the attentions of the Flame dragon, the long-suffering Nithe.
But when the addition of the latest sacrifice brings an army to his doorstep, how is he to keep his hard-won peace, deal with his heat and his hungry mate, and help asexual Alita romance the troublesome princess running from her joke of a prince, all while defending them all from the armies coming to get his woman back?

And you thought dating was hard.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Changeling Press
• Release date: Dec 16, 2021

Book preview

Chapter One

Oh Noble Dragon, the rather beautiful and totally virginal maiden whimpered, her hands bound above her body, her head hanging low. Dost thou consent to sup upon mine supple and untouched flesh as a sacrifice to save mine humble village? Her fear was obvious in the trembling of her body, exposed to the elements and the cold spring night. There were tears, he could hear them in her voice, in the way it trembled and the ritual words wavered. The air of hopelessness and despair that surrounded her was a palatable thing.

And the mighty dragon hovered above her, his fierce red eyes and black shadowy scales that made him appear to have parted from the night sky itself… before he let out an annoyed snort and rolled his eyes at his victim.

Really, when are they going to stop this shit? he asked, startling a gasp from the bound sacrifice as her head jerked up, her amazed eyes widening as she stared at the monster who was supposed to consume her flesh, grind her bones into meal, and ignore her humble village for another year.

Oh, Noble One? Uh… excuse me?

When are your people, the great one spat out, going to catch a clue and leave me the fuck out of their medieval fantasies? How much torture porn can one village aspire to? I mean, do they draw lots for this shit? Do you all volunteer? Were you an orphan that no one wanted to take care of? What gives?

Uh… Dragon?

But the great and noble dragon was pissed, really wanted to vent, and nothing was going to stop him from having his say.

Are all humans so stupid? he demanded as he began to pace, all twenty-five-foot-tall scaly body and bad attitude. I send a girl back and they kill her for not -- he actually made air quotes with two of his four large taloned fingers --"being a good sacrifice. I go and try to talk to them about this shit and they scream and run like I was burning the place down and they send me even more virginal girls. I don’t take the first sacrifice and they murder the poor child and leave another sitting in her blood and brains. Do you know how long it takes to get the smell of blood out of your nose? No? I bet you don’t because they would never kill a woman on your behalf. That is a sacrificial action saved just for me."

His large spaded tail whipped back and forth as he grumbled, staring down at the village from the so-called Dragon Stones that the villagers set up centuries before when they moved into his territory and decided to stay. Of course, when moving into dragon lands you had to have a proper sacrifice. That was the way of it, but it was what they chose to send as a sacrifice that was really pissing him off.

"All I wanted was some seeds to plant new crops and that somehow translated into virgin. How much of an idiot do you have to be to make that incredibly wrong leap of logic? I wanted crops and I got virgins. I would have accepted some livestock instead -- cows only last for so long and I really like cheese. But no, the village assholes in all their great glory send me virgin females. I don’t want virgin females. I want the peace of mind knowing that not another girl will be murdered on my behalf."

Uh… Dragon?

I want some fucking peace! he roared, the sound echoing through the valley below where the town sat protected from the dangers of the outside world. He could see the lights flicker as terrified townsfolk hid themselves, probably pissing themselves because they thought the sacrifice was unworthy.

Hey, Dragon? the sacrifice called, gaining his attention as he stopped pacing a rut into the ground and stared down at her.

What?

If you aren’t going to eat me, perhaps you could let me go? My arms have gone to sleep and I really have to pee.

He glared down at her and she stared back, the fear that had earlier surrounded her dissipating, almost as if it didn’t exist in the first place. That was… new. He arched an eyebrow and she arched one back.

I really have to go, she spoke again, staring right into his red eyes. And if you think the smell of blood is bad, I have to tell you the smell of urine trumps that every time. I know. I’m a farmer’s daughter. So if you would… she jerked her head toward the bindings that held her arms aloft. I can just slip behind those rocks over there and do my business and be right back for the rest of your tirade. I don’t think I can hold it for much longer. I made sure to drink lots before they dragged me up here. If you were going to eat me, I was going to give you a memorable meal surprise. But since you don’t seem intent on consuming my supple virgin flesh… she let her words trail off though she was shifting from side to side in a classic pee-pee dance.

Sorry, the dragon muttered, reaching down with one clawed finger to slash through the ropes that held her in place.

And true to her word, the sacrifice darted behind some rocks and soon the acrid smell of urine teased his nostrils. She was back moments later, wiping her hands on the skirt of her long white sacrificial gown.

My thanks, she said as she strode up to the scaled menace of legend and offered him a smile. My name is Alita, by the way.

Ulvissar, the dragon returned, bowing his great black head. Charmed.

Okay, Lord Ulvissar --

Just Ulvissar, if you would. I am not a human and your human titles do nothing but annoy the crap out of me.

Okay, Ulvissar it is. Alita nodded. So… what are you going to do with me? You said it yourself. I can’t go back or they will kill me and put some other poor girl in my place. I don’t want that to happen, and it sounds like you don’t want bloodshed in your name.

I do not.

So what are you going to do with me?

You can go free? He arched an eyebrow and she snorted.

Yeah, right. Go where? Everyone in the Tri-Village area knows I was slated for death by dragon and if I show up, they will kill me themselves or start sending more nubile young things up here for you to demolish. What do you usually do with the girls that are taken?

Well… The dragon sat on his haunches and tapped his muzzle with his finger, the claw retracted, of course. Most die of fright. I take them up the mountain and incinerate them before using their ashes as fertilizer. The ones that don’t die usually kill themselves so I wind up doing the same thing, only it’s very bloody because the method of death is usually jumping off of the side of the mountain.

And if the village elders see that, then they think the sacrifice was rejected and they set up another girl. I remember a few of those.

It’s never pretty, and usually the second choice dies of fright before I can even have a conversation with them.

So what are my options here? Alita asked. I mean, I do have options, right?

Well, it never really got this far before, Ulvissar admitted, looking about as sheepish as a dragon could look. I’ve never had an actual conversation with a sacrifice before.

Because they are wont to off themselves. Alita nodded. I get it.

So… Ulvissar said, dropping to all fours and getting himself low enough to stare into her eyes. What do you want to do?

Alita paused for a moment, thinking back to all the non-choices she’d ever had in her life. She was born a girl so she couldn’t inherit any lands from her father. Her mother had been arranging a marriage with a village elder’s son… who bathed only once a year. No, thank you. Her only saving grace was that that particular elder’s son took offense to her telling him to bathe his dirty ass if he wanted to be around her and ran to his father for revenge.

It wasn’t her fault that he’d accosted her in the middle of the village square, trying to steal kisses and gropes when she had not accepted his suit. They were still in negotiations and he wanted to take liberties. Well, not on her person. There were to be no escapades until her family forced her to wed the oaf and only then after he took a bath… several baths. Public embarrassment was good for the soul, she’d thought, as she told him off, rather loudly. Too bad his father was the one overseeing the choice of sacrifice this year.

Really, she spoke after a few moments of contemplating her life up until this very point. I don’t know what I want. I never had a choice before.

Well, you do now, Ulvissar pointed out. And you have time.

It’s almost dawn…

You can come back with me, Alita, Ulvissar decided, rising up to hover above her once more. Then you can figure out what you want to do. If we stay here any longer, they may take this to mean I found you distasteful and set up another poor girl.

And we don’t want that. Alita nodded once.

No, I think I’ve had enough of fertilizing my crops with dead girls.

So, for now, I’ll go with you. You said you have crops? Where? I mean I’ve never been out of the Tri-Village area and all I see up there are mountains. Where do you grow crops?

In my cave.

You grow crops… in a cave? Alita’s look turned suspicious as she stared at the great black beast. Really? How does that even work? You need sunlight and water…

I have my ways. Ulvissar looked smug as he stared down at her.

Dragon ways?

Dragon ways. And I guess your curiosity will be sated in a few moments anyway.

Well, I am a farmer’s daughter, she reminded him. So indoor crops grab my attention.

Fine. Ulvissar nodded. I’ll show you. We can both get some rest and then you can make your decision about what you want to do next. I’ll help you out the best I can.

Thank you, Oh Noble Dragon, Alita teased.

Start that again and I’ll drop you.

Drop?

Alita’s scream rang out over the night sky and village as Ulvissar snatched her up, spread his wings, and took to the heavens.

Safe inside their homes, the villagers gave a sigh of relief. They were safe for another year, though a few did shed tears for the poor farmer’s daughter who had been chosen to save them all.

Bless the sacrifice, a few muttered, realizing safety in their beds and their homes, grateful that none of those they loved were chosen.

In a farmstead near the outskirts of the village, a mother lay weeping in her bed while a father plotted revenge for the selection of his only child.

Neither of her grieving parents or those busybodies in the village would have believed that the screams that rang out were those of sheer joy.

* * *

Ulvissar held Alita delicately between his two large hands, protecting her from the cold night air as he took wing. She weighed almost nothing, and Ulvissar found himself entranced by her laughter as he flew higher and higher, circling miles above the three villages that made up the Tri-Village area near his mountain home.

He soared and dipped, catching warm pockets of air as he glided, almost invisible against the dark night sky. In his hands, Alita quivered with delight, taking in views that no mortal had ever seen before. There was so much majesty in flight that it made her long for a set of wings of her own.

All too soon the flight came to an end as Ulvissar flew toward his mountain range, circling the barren looking land a few times before landing at the mouth of a huge cave that could only be spied from above.

Ulvissar touched down lightly, his wings rapidly beating to counter his descent as he landed on a rocky ledge at the mouth of his cave. He placed a giggling, trembling Alita onto her feet and felt himself becoming amused as she leaned against him, her legs almost too weak to support her weight.

We have to do that again! She laughed outright, looking up at the huge lizard who had rescued her.

Later, he said, gently pushing her toward the cave. And wipe your feet once you get inside. Why do they never put shoes on sacrifices? Do they make you march up the mountain in bare feet?

Shoes cost, Alita informed him, obediently wiping off her feet in a small box of moss that Ulvissar pointed to. And they take a lot of time to make. Why waste them on a dead girl walking?

Point. He nodded at her as he gestured for her to go inside with oversized clawed hands that could so easily bring about death, but instead had held her as gently as a babe in arms.

Alita took three steps into the dim cave and paused, then turned back to ask Ulvissar a question, only for her words to freeze in her mouth as she watched the first real magic she had ever seen take place.

One moment there was a huge black dragon standing and glaring at her, and then there was a puff of smoke, a flash of light, a sharp sound like branches breaking, and then standing there was a naked man with the same red eyes of Ulvissar.

Alita let out a squeak, slamming her hands over her eyes before rapidly turning around because, you know, naked and she was a virgin. She had seen the village boys flock to the watering hole in the summer for a quick dip but none of that gave her any idea of what a fully grown naked man would look like, let alone a dragon.

She turned back and peered through her fingers because she wanted to get another look to make sure she had been seeing what her brain told her that she saw.

Yup, there was a tall, dark man standing where Ulvissar had been, and she really meant tall. He towered over her, about two heads taller than she was actually, and there was a fall of long white hair blowing from the