Grandma's Madhouse Escape: Grandma Series Book 2

By Wit Funnybones

Grandma baked a smack-licious broccoli cake, and a thief stole it right from under her nose. As Granny’s nature dictates, she chased the thug down the street. The neighbors called the police, because frankly an old lady in her dressing gown and a head full of curlers running down the street screaming and waving her cane, wasn’t normal. The police called the psychiatrist, and he put poor Granny straight into the NUTS Institute, the local madhouse. But the thing is, Granny wasn’t really crazy. Maybe a tad wacky at times, but definitely not nuthouse mad. However, should she have stayed among the loonies at NUTS, she definitely would have gone insane. She needed to get out – desperately! Granny asked Billy, her grandson, to help her escape. But this was not a simple task. There were all kinds of elements to deal with. Most importantly, the two monster nuns running NUTS, who were after them whenever they got a whiff of an escape attempt. How were they going to outwit the dragon nuns of NUTS? And will they survive blue juice injections, a bout of red-bum-baboon rash and bulging tree-frog eyes, being shot at with flares, man-eating rats, a laundry girl stampede and a capsized raft to get Granny out?

Granny and Billy tried several escape attempts. Some of their plans were brilliant and some plain silly, but they were ALWAYS seriously funny. The big question is, did they succeed with any of their plans? Or was Granny doomed to rot in NUTS?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wit Funnybones
• Release date: Apr 12, 2022
• ISBN: 9781776349180

Wit Funnybones

Hi there all you lovely boys and girls, teachers, librarians, and parents. My name is Wit Funnybones. Well, it's not my real name. Only a pen name. My real name is sooooooo long and difficult to remember that I made it easy for you guys to remember me by choosing a simple name.I love to write funny, witty adventure and mystery stories for 9 to 12-year-old children. It makes me jump for joy when you laugh until your toes curl and your tummy aches.A bit about myself. I live in South Africa in a breathtakingly beautiful area called Wilderness. I built my house and settled in a few months ago to write children's stories. I have a gorgeous daughter, a devoted mother, and three cats, whom I adore. I love my cats so much that I even based a FREE story for you on one of them. Read more about Jittery's victory in overcoming her fear of the vacuum cleaner on my website.​I'd like it very much to get to know you better. You are welcome to pop me an email and tell me about yourself and the stories you like to read.​I regularly give away stuff for free. Check it out on my website.​Enjoy!

Book preview

Grandma’s Madhouse Escape

Grandma Series Book 2

To Jesus Christ all the glory for freely giving me the gift of writing.

Text copyright 2021 MM (Martie) Janse van Rensburg

Cover design and illustration copyright 2021 MM (Martie) Janse van Rensburg

Published by Martie Janse van Rensburg at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This novel is a work of fiction. The names of characters and places are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Table of Contents

Foreword

My Grandma

The Madhouse

Escape Attempt 1: Operation Distraction:

Planning

Equipment - Mainly Lollipops

Equipment - Beetroot Cake Saga

Equipment - The Honey Ordeal

Equipment - BEES - Preferably Alive

Forward March

Red-bum-baboon-Rash and Bulging Tree Frog Eyes

Chemical Warfare

Aftershock

Escape Attempt 2: Operation Big Disguise:

Planning

The Party before the Storm

Super Tube Sliding

Laundry Girl Stampede

Laundry Van Stunt

Pest Control Robots

Escape Attempt 3: Operation Airborne:

The Beast Arrives

Getting Rid of the Enemy

Unleashing the Beast

Punishment

Escape Attempt 4: Operation Castaway:

Preparation

Down the Dungeons

Rafting

Escape Attempt 5: Operation Desperado:

Help! Fire!

An Unexpected End

Foreword

Hi there, all you lovely boys and girls. Thank you for your interest in my book. I appreciate each one of you. You are the reason Wit writes my stories. I hope you find this story just as funny as Grandma stole a Rolls Royce.

Remember to head over to https://www.wit-funnybones.com for freebies and other stories. Wit Funnybones continually adds stuff, so be sure to check it out regularly. I will send you reminders too, by email. Remember to subscribe to the newsletter to be the first to know about free books and discounts at https://www.wit-funnybones.com/subscribe

Don’t forget to pop me an email or social media message. Tell me something interesting or funny, as well as which parts of this story you liked.

Hope you enjoy this story! Don’t forget to let me know!

Your friend,

Billy

My Grandma

Hi there dudes and dudesses, I already introduced myself in my first story, Grandma stole a Rolls Royce. But in case you didn’t read it, let me tell you again. My name is Billy Nockemsilly.

I live with my super strong dad, tender-hearted but sometimes strict mother, often cool older brother, and the PEST – my extra annoying little sister - in an average neighbourhood.

I love my family, but most of all I love, no I adore my grandma. She is the most fun-loving, impulsive adventure seeker that I have ever encountered. I haven’t even come across a character in one of my books, and I’ve read plenty of books, that I’m as infatuated with as with my grandma. Now that says a lot about her, doesn’t it?

I bet you are burning to hear about her. Well, if you stick with me I am about to tell you the adventure of how she escaped out of the madhouse. Best of all, I was there through it all. So, that way I can let you in on all the secrets of what really happened. You see, my family and friends, even the whole neighbourhood and every mad person in the madhouse, staff included, know only part of this crazy story. Even the press and the entire police force know only a bit. But if you read up to the end of this book, then you will get honest to goodness, the whole shebang of what happened during my grandma’s madhouse escape.

A stupid psychiatrist admitted Granny to the NUTS Institute – a proper madhouse. NUTS stand for the Nuns Union for Total Sychos. You actually spell ‘Sychos’ like this: ‘Psychos’, but the P is silent and so the incredibly dumb founder of the institute left it out of the acronym. Two dragon nuns, whom I will introduce later, are actually running this nut farm. I guess that’s why the founder used Nuns Union as part of the joint’s name.

The NUTS Institute looks like something out of a Dracula movie. The first time I saw it I got goosebumps right up into my hair. I looked like one of Grandma’s plucked chickens, ready for roasting. There was something plain evil radiating from the place, with all its turrets and barred windows. I felt so sorry for Grandma being locked up in such a horrible building.

Grandma was actually wrongfully admitted to NUTS. Let me quickly tell you what happened. One morning she baked a broccoli cake, as was her habit, and placed it on her kitchen windowsill to cool down. Now I know the first thing going through your mind now is: Eeeew! Broccoli cake! But you’re wrong. I promise you it is smack-licious.

As she settled down at her kitchen table with a cup of tea, she noticed out of the corner of her eye a hand sneaking up to the cake. The next moment the cake was gone and Grandma up from her chair, grabbing her stick.

And so a homeless man ran down the street with a steaming cake above his head, while Grandma came screaming after him. This was a sorry sight, to say the least. I mean, can you imagine an old lady dressed in only a gown and slippers, curlers flying all over the place and a cane pointing like a fish spear at the robber, power walking down the street (Grandma can’t really run)?

When the neighbours looked out of their windows at the commotion, the thief was long gone around the corner. So, the only thing they saw was a mad old lady shouting and poking her stick as she came down the road.

I cannot blame the onlookers for calling the police. I cannot even blame the police for sending her to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. I mean, they only went by what the neighbours saw. There was no evidence of a cake or even a thief. BUT I can blame the psychiatrist for sending her to the loony bin. While Grandma can act a bit crazy at times, she is not totally kooky like the patients at the funny farm. She is just normal batty, or rather silly.

So the bottom line is, my dear Granny sat in a nuthouse and…

IT WAS ALL A BIG FAT MISTAKE!

The Madhouse

Although the NUTS Institute seemed like a horrible place from the outside, the patients and staff made it tolerable once inside. That is everyone except the two nuns. The patients at NUTS are really nutty, but you know what, the staff is even nuttier. Most of them are really crazy, but not in a bad way. Rather, a good kind of crazy. Many times I laughed out loud at the wacky things they did.

But wait, let me introduce you to some of the funniest ones.

Patients of the NUTS Institute

Jimmy boy

Old Jimmy boy liked to flip his biscuits, or any other food, for that matter (some quite hazardous), in the air and tried to catch it hands-free by sticking out his tongue and opening his mouth. Man, it was hilarious to see the concentration on his face.

Anna Washcloth

Then there was Anna Washcloth. She walked around all day, washing other people’s faces. Sometimes it created havoc, as you can imagine. I mean, who likes an unexpected cold, wet, soap-slimy slap in the face?

Henry Twirler

Henry Twirler liked to twirl, as you can guess from his name. He always sang: Let’s dance! Come on! Let’s be merry! as he danced down the corridors, swinging his body in circles, knocking other loonies off their walkers and throwing wheelchairs over. What a fiasco!

Lena Spoonfeeder

The funniest person of them all was Lena Spoonfeeder. She loved to feed people all kinds of things. Luckily for the poor recipients, it was actual food most of the time. However, I have witnessed her feeding a spider to someone once. The person ate it! Can you believe it? And don’t reject her spoon. Then there was usually