Grandma stole a Rolls Royce: Grandma Series Book 1

By Wit Funnybones

Grandma’s little goo-green car went up in a puff of smoke. She was desperate for a new car, and she wanted none other than a Rolls Royce. Well, she got one, but it was not what she expected. The car had a mind of its own.
As soon as Grandma and Billy, her grandson, took Rolly for a test drive, the Rolls Royce went straight back to the thugs that stole her. Granny and Billy had no control over Rolly. And that’s where their trouble started. They didn’t know where they were headed, and they couldn’t call anyone to let them know what happened. Who would believe a Rolls Royce actually hijacked Granny and Billy and not the other way around? All everyone saw was that a Rolls Royce has been taken from the shop and not returned, which meant it was stolen. The police were hot on their tails. Even the media were keeping up with reports on what could have happened to Granny, Billy, and the stolen Rolls Royce.
When Rolly finally arrived at her intended destination, Granny and Billy realised that they have stepped right into a nest of Rolls Royce crime. They detested the injustice they saw. The Rolls stealing cockroaches were preying on innocent people. Compelled to do something about it, they came up with all kinds of ideas.
But what can a Granny with purple hair and a cane, and a boy wearing a dress with a blonde wig do to frame super dangerous Rolls Royce thieves? They didn’t have weapons or the police to help them. What plans could they devise that wouldn’t create suspicion with the police, but would still get the slime balls into jail? It was a fine line to walk with lots of pitfalls. They tried several tactics to corner the thugs. Some worked a little, some not at all. Some things they did were plain silly, some hilarious.
Will the pair be able to get the thieves behind bars AND convince everyone that they didn’t steal the Rolls Royce?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wit Funnybones
• Release date: Apr 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781776349166

Wit Funnybones

Hi there all you lovely boys and girls, teachers, librarians, and parents. My name is Wit Funnybones. Well, it's not my real name. Only a pen name. My real name is sooooooo long and difficult to remember that I made it easy for you guys to remember me by choosing a simple name.I love to write funny, witty adventure and mystery stories for 9 to 12-year-old children. It makes me jump for joy when you laugh until your toes curl and your tummy aches.A bit about myself. I live in South Africa in a breathtakingly beautiful area called Wilderness. I built my house and settled in a few months ago to write children's stories. I have a gorgeous daughter, a devoted mother, and three cats, whom I adore. I love my cats so much that I even based a FREE story for you on one of them. Read more about Jittery's victory in overcoming her fear of the vacuum cleaner on my website.​I'd like it very much to get to know you better. You are welcome to pop me an email and tell me about yourself and the stories you like to read.​I regularly give away stuff for free. Check it out on my website.​Enjoy!

Book preview

Grandma stole a Rolls Royce

Grandma Series Book 1

To Jesus Christ all the glory for freely giving me my writing gift.

Text copyright 2021 MM (Martie) Janse van Rensburg

Cover design and illustration copyright 2021 MM (Martie) Janse van Rensburg

Published by Martie Janse van Rensburg at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This novel is a work of fiction. The names of characters and places are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Wild Driver

Lizard-tail-and-bullfrog-eyes Cake

Mongool, the Most Handsome Mongoose of All, to the Rescue

Comb-over's Rolls Hijack

Hands-free Test Drive

Nothing but $2.50 and the Need for a Toilet

Guys Die Here

Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Rolls

Fishingfools Paradise

The Punk and Goldilocks

The Rolls Syndicate

Bandana-boy Race

Rest-Your-Soul

Meeting Mrs Flowerfield ... Lilyfield ... Fieldflower ... Oh yes, Mayfield

Comb-over went Nuts

The Slay-the-Rolls-Thugs Operation

Pinky and the Brain's Gate Attack

Deploy, Comrades!

Fierce Force Tragedy

De-foam Failure

Blue-eyed Daggerface Reporting

Road Block Troops

Stinking Heaps of Elephant Poo

Spitting Monster

Bald-head and his Sidekick

Seriously Crazy Thug Slayers

Geeza Squeeza's Water Tower Jump

A Booming Ambush

Laughter and Woolly Worm Tyranny

Slaying the Most Revolting Thug of them All

Poor Pouty's Pity Party

Ruthless Demon Spilled the Beans

Rolly's True Owner

Other Books by Wit Funnybones

Connect with Wit Funnybones

Sample of the next book in the Grandma Series

Foreword

Hi there dudes and dudesses, my name is Billy Nockemsilly. I know, I know. Nockemsilly is a really weird surname, but I can’t help it. Blame my dad, if you want to.

First, thank you for your interest in my book. I love to tell stories about my adventures with my grandma. I love it, even more, to see the readers of my stories laugh until their toes curl and their tummies ache.

Head over to https://www.wit-funnybones.com/ for freebies and other stories. Wit Funnybones continually adds stuff, so be sure to check it out regularly. I will send you reminders too, by email.

I would also love to hear from you. Please pop me an email from the website or send me a message through social media whenever you like. Tell me about yourself, funny things that happened to you, your pets and your family. Also, tell me which of Wit Funnybones’s stories you liked most and which parts you didn’t like. You are the reason why Wit writes my stories. So, keep me up to date about what stories you would like to read in the future.

In this story, I would like to tell you about the adventure of how my granny ‘stole’ a Rolls Royce. I was there through it all. So, that way I can let you in on all the secrets of what actually happened. You see, my family and friends, even the entire neighbourhood and the whole Rolls Royce mafia know only part of this crazy story. The press and the total police force also know only a bit. But if you read up to the end of this book, you will get honest to goodness the whole shebang of what happened during my grandma’s Rolls Royce theft.

Hope you enjoy it! Don’t forget to let me know!

Your friend,

Billy

Wild Driver

Many, and dare I say most, grandparents cannot drive any actual vehicle, except perhaps for GoPeds, mobility scooters or tricycles. Not my grandma. She can drive any car of any size and brand, and with any intent.

She usually tackles driving like a truck driver would take on a ten ton lorry – with force and vigour. When she gets behind the wheel, all horror breaks loose. Everything and everyone knows she’s coming with the speed and noise she makes. At corners, she will step on the gas instead of on the breaks. At stop streets, she will screech to a halt. She has no regard for curbs and islands. She will go right over them. Whenever someone or something is a little too close to the car, she will honk so long and so loudly (she made sure her cars had extra loud hooters), the poor passerby would throw over prams, or run for the bushes, or drop all their groceries right there on the sidewalk and lie down with their hands behind their heads (like the criminals do when the police catch them). Grandma was a real danger on the roads. She’s lethal man!

Nevertheless, I enjoy all outings with her in her car. Her car is a 1920 Morris Minor. I called it Monty. It is drainpipe gunk-green and ancient, but it still runs. That everything still works does not reflect how well grandma looked after it, but actually how well they have manufactured the car. I say this in the light of her driving, as I explained earlier. Any other car would have been at the scrapyard with the way granny drives.

Lizard-tail-and-bullfrog-eyes Cake

I was cycling to Granny as was my habit every Saturday morning. I love being with Granny. She always has new ideas about an adventure we can undertake or new places to visit or things to do.

I screeched to a standstill on the driveway of her cottage. She lives in a quaint little place not too far from where I live.

Grandma always has some kind of jolly music on and there is ALWAYS delicious smells drifting from her kitchen window. She loves to bake. Cakes of all sizes and shapes will appear on her windowsill to cool down - chocolate cakes, strawberry cakes, banana cakes, cabbage cakes and her famous smack-licious, devour-able, all-round winner broccoli cakes.

She actually had a terrible ordeal with a stolen broccoli cake that led to her being locked up in a nuthouse. But it’s another story. (You can read about that sordid mess of a nightmare by getting the book, Grandma’s Madhouse Escape, from a link on Wit’s website, if you like.)

But hey, I’m getting sidetracked here. Let me go on with this story.

So, I threw my bicycle on the paving and ran around the house to the back. The kitchen door was always open and Grandma was in the kitchen most of the time, anyway. I busted through the door opening.

Hi Grans, where are you? I said.

Grandma was in the pantry getting ingredients for a new recipe she was trying out. She peered through the pantry opening. Cake flour covered her face and there were two glistening red cherries in her hair, stuck to the curlers. Grandma looked like a zombie with two weird growths on her head.

Billy! So good to see you, she said.

She took a cinnamon stick from a jar and tried to light it with her cigar lighter. Grandma smokes cigars. She does it openly and without shame. When the cinnamon stick didn’t want to burn no matter how furiously she sucked on it, she threw it on the table.

Freaking terrible quality you get these days. They don’t make them as they used to, you know. All about money, money, money. This is actually stealing from poor old smoking ladies, she said.

Grans, that’s a cinnamon stick. Not a cigar, I said.

Granny looked at the cinnamon stick in disgust for a moment before she registered what she has done. Then she burst out in a roar of laughter. My granny can surely laugh. I mean she can enter laughing competitions and she will win without even really trying. Sometimes you can see her tonsils when she absolutely goes for it. Today I could see as far as the back of her tongue.

Still laughing, Grandma fetched a cake from the windowsill and placed it on the table.

A new experiment, she said.

It smelled fabu-tastic. Like lemon blossoms and vanilla and something else I couldn’t place.

What’s in it, Grans? I said.

I sat at the table while Granny was setting the table with two small plates and forks.

Well, let me see. I went a little wild this time. Lemons…, she said.

Yes, I can smell that, I said.

Vanilla…, she said.

Yeah, I said.

I think a lizard tail, two flies and a woolly worm or two, or maybe three, also made their way in there. They are quite curious. Forever poking their noses in my batter. And now look where it got them. All cooked and mushy and dead, Granny said.

I looked at Granny with my eyes widening further as she mentioned each gross thing.

Yeah, I tell you, Granny said, looking awfully serious.

I pushed my plate away ever so slightly as Granny put a piece of cake on it. And as sure as Raptor and Rex chased us on GoPeds (the two dragon nuns from my story, Grandma’s Madhouse Escape), I could see the flies and lizard tail. Some things looked like spiders. And you won’t believe it. Two jellyfish eyes or perhaps bullfrog eyes were staring at me right there from the cut side of the cake.

Granny looked at me and again she exploded in laughter. She threw her head back and laughed terribly hard. This time I could almost see her breakfast in her tummy.

Don’t worry, sport, she said when she has calmed down a bit. You must see your face. It’s hilarious. You look like a little marmoset monkey spying a vet coming at him with a needle. She started billowing with laughter again.

Really, Granny? I said sharply.

That’s raisins and spices in there, dearie, she said.

She pointed to the dark spots in the cake. She cut a chunk of the cake off and stuffed her mouth with it.

I settled back and cut my piece of cake all around those dark spots. I ate with rather long teeth, thinking about those gory things. Granny can sometimes be so unappetising. And infuriating, goodness me!

Wanna take a drive? Granny said between