Revision on Emotions

By Natasha Lizanne

This is everything; not just life, not all love, not a focus point on murder, and not all of the entireties is mayhem. It’s a journey that comes back to the same roots, because no matter how original someone may be there’s always a purpose; a person you get drawn to time and time again, and everyone involved is painting a picture on the same canvas…they just don’t know it quite yet. This is emotions, and this is indeed relevant.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9781664185234

Natasha Lizanne

to be followed

Book preview

Copyright © 2021 by Natasha Lizanne.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 07/26/2021

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

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Contents

Prologue

Part 1:  Doorways

Part 2:  Empathize

Part 3:  Condemnation

Part 4:  Inventions

Part 5:  Reality

Part 6:  Instigation

Part 7:  Formulated

Part 8:  Balloons

Part 9:  Schedules

Part 10:  Solid Swearings

Part 11:  Without Sound

Part 12:  Had not Ashes

Part 13:  Coldness Commemorating

Epilogue

Prologue

Cyanide

I was so excited for the weekend to wrap it’s way closer with time, and there I stood at work watching the clock, just waiting to go home, and I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket; I pulled it out, and smiled when I saw whose name it was, and my smile quickly diminished as I saw what it said.

Let’s have Yolanda come over tonight?

I don’t understand why he would even suggest that. I sighed, and put my phone back in my pocket. It was about three seconds before I decided I had to reply before I forgot he ever even said anything. I typed it quickly with an ounce of aggression.

And Emmanuel?

I kept my phone out waiting for him to read it, and he never did...not for a minute at least so I decided to put my phone back in my pocket, and go about the day, and in case you haven’t gathered from me simply watching the clock the days drag on, and I wish the day would of went slower, because it seemed as though it all happened in a fast forwarding motion from a movie scene; a movie scene I was unfortunately being casted in, and my miserable film took place after I got off work. I got into my car, and lit a cigarette; breathing it in the slowest I could.

Fuck.

I picked up my phone, and sent a text.

Did you pick up Emmanuel?

I was waiting for a reply, and granted it had only been a minute, but anything can happen in a minute. I kept the cigarette in my mouth, and started the car watching the rain fall slowly down the windows in my car, and I stopped in front of the school building watching kids pile out waiting for Emmanuel to see my car, and come running out with a smile, but maybe he couldn’t see my car? I finished my cigarette, and stood in the rain getting drenched; waiting to see his tiny face light up, and jump into my arms. I was getting worried, and I wasn’t sure what to do in the situation; I picked up the phone to make a call, and I listened to it ring; praying he would pick up the phone. I heard his voice, and I sighed in relief; there was just something about his voice that made me feel safe whenever I heard it.

Is everything okay?

I got into the car, and put him on speaker so I could take off my coat that felt as if it just got out of the washer.

It is pouring out here! Emmanuel isn’t at school; did you get him?

Things got silent for a second, and I felt my heart fall into my chest. I repeated myself picking the phone up.

Is Emmanuel at home with you?

I heard a sigh on his end, and I could hear someone in the background crying.

Is that Emmanuel?

I wasn’t sure how to react, and I felt the spit in my mouth thicken with a wave of a cool breeze caress my arms, and I heard a whisper right behind me.

Go home.

I gasped, and turned around to find nobody else in the car. The phone clicked, and I grabbed the steering wheel staring into nothing.

Am I losing it?

I turned the heat up, and looked back again, and this time around I really examined the backseat. The rain was pattering louder, and the coldness inside my car grew; it was like the heat wasn’t even working. I tried to move the car out of park, and it wouldn’t move.

What in the actual fuck is going on?

I heard another whisper, and this time it was more concerning.

Go home.

I can’t remember exactly what took over me, but I grabbed my coat, and stuck my phone in my pocket leaving the car; running towards the house. I heard cars, and the rain rippling in my ears. It was getting darker, and I had never ran so fast in my life. I turned the corner, and saw a man standing under a bus stop; the palest man I had ever seen, and for some reason he wore the darkest pair of sunglasses; darker than my thoughts were running. He looked me up, and down, and walked out to hand me a cigarette with a smile more sinister than the whispering in my car. I put my hand out, and I am not sure why, but I grabbed the cigarette gently. He let go slowly; leaning in to say something.

You aren’t going to make it.

The rain started falling slower it seemed, and he walked down an alley right next to the bus stop to open a door, and he kept it open as if I was going to go through it. I took a step forward, and he said it under his breath in a questioning tone with his hand halfway in the doorway beckoning me it seemed.

Don’t you want to make it home?

I dropped the cigarette, and wiped my face from the rain looking at the man watching me with a concerned gaze. I put my hands out, and moved my hair off my face.

What’s with the suit?

He walked in the doorway, and moved his sleeve up to point at a watch on his wrist.

You aren’t going to make it.

The door shut quickly behind him, and I didn’t pay any mind; I kept running, and I felt as if I hit a wall, and not a runners wall that runners speak of I mean a legitimate wall; I fell down, and felt a droning sensation take over, and I heard it again except; this time the whisper was ridden with panic.

Go home.

I saw a little girl put her hand out to help me up, and I grabbed it not even thinking of the consequences. She started crying, and I didn’t have time for this; I needed to get home. I took a step forward, and she grabbed onto my coat, and I swear as she grabbed my coat the rain stopped.

Hug me when you get through the door?

It echoed almost, and my head was spinning. I closed my eyes to regain a conscious step. I let go, and started running down the street to my house, and I stopped in front of it; I can’t explain why I stopped, but I felt like something was telling me to wait, and I just have to say this isn’t about some esoteric coating on life; this is a protruding shatter, and let me start off with I didn’t expect my week to turn out this way at all...this weekend is my anniversary actually, but some holidays are meant to be spoiled I guess. I ran up the front steps, and quickly opened the door. As soon as I opened the door I fell to my knees with the door wide open not even caring about the warmth leaving, and the miniscule drops of rain entering the first couple inches into the house. I saw red everywhere on the floor, and there was a knife covered in stains. I grabbed the knife quietly, and I heard a shatter in the living room. I swallowed my tears, and ran into the living room to see a vase on the floor sprinkled everywhere, and I wish I had an answer on why this was happening, but I don’t. He grabbed Emmanuel’s face, and marked it everywhere with the red on his hands, and his hands were bruised.

You’re going to risk everything we have for this kid!

I didn’t understand... I felt confusion bask over me, and all I could think of was whose blood was all over the dining room. He screamed, and I jumped as I got out of my head, and back into the present moment. He had Emmanuel’s shirt wrapped in a fist, and he pointed at me through tears yelling into the thick air.

I would take a bullet for you!

I looked down at Emmanuel and his cheeks were covered in red, and I felt a tear fall down my cheek as I shook my head. I looked right into his brilliant eyes with my heart breaking.

Our kid.

He let Emmanuel go, and he fell down onto the sprinkles of a broken vase on the floor, and I saw tears swelling in Manuel’s eyes. He grabbed him by his shirt again, and pulled out a knife, and put it to our son’s neck while tears were silently falling down his face.

Mommy?

There was no way I could get over there in time to save him, and if I watched him die I fear my heart would stop the second his did. I took a breath in, and put the knife in my hand to my throat digging deep, and feeling a dripping.

Don’t touch him.

He took the knife off his throat with eyes watering, and pointed at Emmanuel to go to the door. I pushed deeper in, and said it through a tear in anger.

You think I wouldn’t take a bullet for you?

He looked at me with his eyes, and maybe, just maybe our story was less about love, but I promise you we were more than just in love...we were out, and not of love like Romeo when Shakespeare brought him to life; no our story was much more simple than poetic justice. We were out of our minds, and as in love as we were I couldn’t possibly dream of being anywhere else than in this moment with his beautiful brown eyes, and a knife glued to my palm, and as he wiped his eyes to look at me, and walk towards me my heart did what it always did the closer he got; it skipped a beating, and as he moved his hands to wipe his eyes again I pulled his hands down to his sides dropping the knife from my hands. He grabbed the head of his hair, and opened his mouth to say something through his tears, and his cloudy eyes of the sweetest chocolate made me smile softly.

Just stay like you are.

He took a big breath in, and now there we stood; armed with truth, and surrounded by inanimate objects that could never understand that as empty as we were we were filled with each others embrace, and Emmanuel could never understand, but I looked into our babies eyes, and as I did I heard his resonating voice.

You love him more than me, don’t you?

He quickly bent down to pick up the knife to put it to his throat, and he said it with words shaking.

Meet me at Death’s Door?

Before I could say anything he shook his head, and dropped the knife with a tear falling to grab my head.

Do as I say?

I smiled feeling him whisper it in my ear causing a trickle down my spine. I wiped the smile off my face, and reacted quickly pulling away from his presence, and grabbing the knife from his hands. As I was getting ready to toss it I started screaming through my tears, because what in the world was happening right now? I pushed him, and he barely moved.

You are mad!

He grabbed my wrist firmly before I could throw the knife away from anyone’s hands, and I lost my glued grip as soon as he touched me, and I watched him catch it. I fell to my knees slowly... barely having a reason to breathe, and as I fell down wondering why this was happening to us he threw the knife, grabbing my face following me to the ground, and as he spoke I smiled feeling grounded, and warm in the sound of his voice.

I can’t be the maddest person you know though, right?

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Emmanuel moving, and it happened faster than the rain falling as soon as he picked the knife up, and I heard it again.

You’re not going to make it.

Just in that split second everything changed, and Emmanuel dropped the knife right in front of me as I watched his father; my husband fall over holding onto his neck, and it didn’t help much, because like holes in a collider red keeps seeping through the cracks of his fingers. I grabbed him, and sat there frozen.

I must be dreaming.

He let go of his neck and grabbed my face covering it in red, and he whispered one last time.

Meet me at Death’s Door.

I put my hands on his heart; hoping it could somehow bring him back to life, and I looked into his eyes to see the brown leaving. I started crying, and I whispered back avoiding looking into his eyes.

I would take a bullet for you.

My hands were shaking, and it already felt like my heart had stopped. I moved away slowly, and wiped my eyes, grabbing the knife. I had my palm glued to the knife again, and as I felt the edge sink into my neck I shook my head wondering if I had enough time to stop myself, but it was too late; I had cut this deep. I looked over by the door at my son hearing him scream.

Mommy!

Over, and over, and it echoed in my ears until my ears couldn’t do anything but hear a small beating. This was never ideal...leaving my son because the man I drowned in infatuation with found nothing but jealousy in Emmanuel’s face, and I never would have pictured the day our son could kill his father; the love of my life. Oh Emmanuel why would you do this to me? Why do this to our family? Where did we go wrong? I closed my eyes, swallowing my tears, blocking out any more questions, and l looked down into his brilliant brown eyes fading away, and just with that one look everything made sense; I wasn’t leaving Emmanuel...I was joining the love of my life again. I started crying inside my chest, because I didn’t want my baby to remember me with tears, and when I opened my eyes Emmanuel was standing by me whispering with glazed, and traumatized eyes.

Mommy?

I watched him stand over me, and sob; nobody could hold him, and everything happening around him was terrifying.

Someone do something.

I tried to move to hug him, but it was as if I was stuck, and I felt a hand on my shoulder, and there he stood...brown eyes glowing.

Let’s go.

Where would I go knowing my son was trapped in pain forever? I shook my head, closing my eyes feeling the tears fall out effortlessly.

Let’s stay...here with-

I opened my eyes to find the room empty, and dark. The atmosphere was damp, and he held onto me with a whisper.

We will find each other again.

He let go to hold my face, and talk into my lips as if he was going to kiss me.

I will find you.

He let go, and there I stood alone, and death’s door doesn’t wait for anyone I promise you that much. I looked around to see nothing but floor, walls, and darkness so I froze.

Will I stay here alone forever?

A door appeared as I turned around one more time, and as I ran to the only door I grabbed the knob, and felt a chill creep on my spine.

Go home.

I wanted nothing more than to go back home so I opened the door eagerly with a tear falling down carefully, and all I saw was rain; a lot of rain...I stepped through the doorway, and the dead don’t know you like I do, and I know you; I really do.

Part 1

Doorways

I stood in the rain watching the grey sky that I was forced into melt almost, and I had no idea where I was. All I could see was rain, and a melting sky in the dullest color; the most unremarkable shade of grey. I felt a tear fall down my cheek, and it was the only moisture I could feel. I wanted to go back; hoping my family would be waiting for me, and this was a nightmare...a terrible, haunting nightmare. I swung around to open the door, and all I saw was dripping grey, and the ugliness of the rain falling in slow motion. The door was gone, and I was beyond alone. I fell to my knees feeling all my hope shattering with the mud clinging onto my legs effortlessly. I looked up, and felt a surge of anger take over my hollowing emptiness, and I looked back down to see my hands formed into pale fists; I slowly let my fingers stop clenching, and I hit the ground letting the mud splatter on my face. This is all wrong...it has to be because none of it feels right.

Why would I open the door? Why couldn’t I just be alone in a place that was at least familiar? Why would I do this to myself? This is all wrong.

I screamed into the sky sinking further into the mud.

Why can I feel the mud, but not the rain?

Fear took over, and my confusion led to a series of tears pooling over my face through my shattering screams. I started hitting the ground yelling into my abandonment.

I want to go back!

Who was I talking to? I was alone in a melting sky without any answers. I heard an innocent voice through my screaming, and running mind.

Can you hug me now?

I didn’t understand it in the slightest, and I didn’t care that this voice was asking me for a source of comfort...I needed a hug. I stopped screaming to clench my fists again. Why ask me for a hug? I am alone without the people I care about the most, and I am in the mud screaming to the sky clearly having a meltdown. The innocent voice cracked.

Please?

I let my fists go, and thought deeper...why do I know this voice? I closed my eyes, and saw a little girl reaching her hand out to me with the darkest chocolate skin, and pale blue eyes with white curly hair, and a pair of overalls over an olive shirt with holes everywhere. I opened my eyes, and knew who the voice belonged to now. I turned around, quickly wiping my eyes, and muddy face. I swallowed my anger, confusion, and fear. I turned around completely to face her, and there she stood with dewy pale eyes, and the same overalls, and tattery shirt barefoot in the rain with me sharing a melting dull sky. I stopped my voice from cracking from all my sorrow, and said it firmly, but trying to seem gentle. It was hard though; I saw her right before my life changed forever, and now here she stood in midnight skin with me in my painful torcher.

I know you.

She didn’t say anything, and took a tiny step back...she sensed my aggression. I am sure of it, or maybe it was because I said the wrong thing. I fell to my knees again no longer paying attention to the rain that wouldn’t touch me, or the dreadful sky...all of my attention was on her, and I made it clear. I put my arms out to this stranger, and she walked slowly towards me, and as she walked I watched her eyes paint the saddest tears I have ever seen, and seeing the painting filled with melancholy cries made me join in, and I cried with this little girl silently. As soon as I started crying she ran into my arms letting me hug her, and she wouldn’t hug me back, but I didn’t mind...she just needed someone to hold her, and my motherly instincts clung on warmly to her. I felt the mud hugging my thighs, and I stayed there crying with this beautiful, and pure little girl. She stopped crying after a time I can’t measure...things were different in this atmosphere, and it was as if time no longer existed for us, or for me because how am I supposed to know if she felt what I was feeling. She pulled away to wipe her eyes with a sigh, and grabbed her arm to look at me, and then she looked down with a whisper, and one simple tear.

Let me take you now.

She put her hand out to me, and I grabbed it. She wiped her tears, and I stopped crying as soon as she did, and followed her through the mud for a walk that was worth miles. Miles that I didn’t understand because there was nothing; just sky, and I felt like she was taking me nowhere, and she just needed me to hold her hand, but I didn’t intervene. We stopped, and she let go.

Where are-

I stopped myself from finishing, because she grabbed my finger, and whispered.

Closer.

In front of my eyes as I blinked a rusty metal door appeared. She let my finger go quickly, and she pointed to the door. I looked her up, and down skeptical, and then back to the door. I grabbed the knob while breathing in, and it was ice cold. I let my breath out, and turned the frozen knob. I pushed on the door, and it swung open carefully, and all I could see was my breath; not feeling even a slight chill. I turned back one last time before stepping into the darkness where my breath was sharp, because this didn’t feel right.

Come with me.

She smiled slightly, and it didn’t bring me any comfort...the smile was fake.

I belong here...it’s my crime.

She walked forward, and gently pushed me into the shallow darkness, and I watched her step back grabbing the door. I wanted to stop her, and pull her in with me so she wouldn’t be in that ugly rain all alone, but I couldn’t...I was shocked looking closer at her. She was drenched everywhere, and the raindrops were falling off her skin, but her tiny feet were spotless...not even a speck of mud. As the door was shutting on it’s own I heard her voice one last time.

Rwanda...don’t forget my name.

I could no longer see her, and then all I heard was thunder as the door closed, and disappeared into somewhere I can’t say, because not even I know. I figured my eyes were closed, but it was just immensely dark, and I heard a familiar voice that made my heart come to life again.

"I grew up in your presence, because you knew of love...or you made me believe you did at the very least. I don’t want to be here, because you lied to me. I want to leave for the same reason; your love, and it is you...your love lied to me, but it is only my fault for believing your love was sweet. It is my bitterness that wants to cut our ties, but here I