The Book of Obsidian: The Ladies Edition

By Mumia Obsidian Ali

Ladies: You've asked for it and now you've got it! Be careful what you wish for...

Fresh off the success of his debut "The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman", Mumia Obsidian Ali continues the raw truth telling about the state of "Black Love" out on these streets - and this time around, it's the ladies turn! In "The Book of Obsidian: The Ladies Edition", Ali dares to tell the lovely ladies what so many others in the Black Love business simply will not, in no uncertain terms!

Far too many of the "experts" in the Black Love Machine won't tell the ladies the bleedingly obvious reasons for how and why they're having such a tough time out on the 21st century Black America dating and mating landscape - and the proof of this fact is borne out by the ladies themselves being increasingly dissatisfied with their prospects, romantic and relationship outcomes. After more than a decade of the most intense research and study, "The Book of Obsidian: The Ladies Edition" was written in direct response and goes where no one has gone before!

If you're a 21st century Black American lady and want to get your Black Love game back on track, read "The Book of Obsidian: The Ladies Edition" - if you dare!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 18, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667835815

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

1. What might a Black Love dating & mating book for Black women look like in a post-Derrick Jaxn/rise of Kevin Samuels world?

2. And why should it be me who writes it?

These were the research questions that I grappled with in the spring of 2021. It was a heady time, indeed. Not only was social media darling, personality, influencer and heart throb Derrick Jaxn going down in proverbial flames due to his own narcissistically hypocritical and truly dastardly peccadilloes coming to light and being broadcast on just about every media spotlight to name, but Kevin Samuels - image consultant by day, and de facto Black Love expert by night - had truly arrived as a YouTube and Instagram star. In the span of only a few short months, from the fall of 2020 to the spring of 2021, the latter had completely sidelined and then eclipsed the former.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

It got me thinking about my aforementioned research questions; truly, the Black Love landscape had irrevocably changed. Saint Kevin, as I affectionately nicknamed him, was packing in the ladies night after night on his own livestreams on YouTube; clearly, they were looking for real and lasting solutions to their woes in love. And clearly, Jaxn & Co. weren’t getting it done. I had been in something of a quandary about the matter for a bit of a while, though; how to proceed? As it turned out, I didn’t have to wait long for the answer.

The proverbial ink was barely dry on my debut literary effort, The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Gentleman when I was questioned as to whether there would be a Book of Obsidian for the ladies. I was, to be frank, taken aback - after all, my very first book was only a written version of what I had done over the past 12 years in print and the past 6 years live on the air, focusing on the lives of Black men.

But, as the word about The Book of Obsidian began to spread, more and more Black women either contacted me directly with this burning question, or posed it openly and out loud on social media. And that really got me to thinking: Could I actually write a Black Love book FOR Black women?

Why not? After all, I was no longer an unknown first-time wannabe book author; I was now a bestselling one, having proven myself to be able to generate buzz and interest for it; raise money to get the book published; and see it promoted by none other than Saint Kevin himself(!).

Moreover - and at this point in the timeline - the market for Black women had been oversaturated and deluged with books, seminars, courses, videos, movies, articles, blogs, card games(!) and God knows what else, all purporting to give them the Rosetta Stone to Black Love in some iteration, version or form.

Be that self-love, getting Mr. Right, you name it, all with precious little to show for it. Black women remain the least partnered women in the entire country, with Black marital projections looking to drop below 25 percent as Black Millennials start moving into middle age in earnest.

And so, about a year ago, I started putting together the early bits and pieces that would eventually become the book you’re holding in your hands. It has truly been a joy and a challenge, in researching and writing it.

A word about the structure of this book, though.

Unlike The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman, which was largely a collection of my columns from the Negromanosphere website, The Book of Obsidian: The Ladies Edition is something that I wrote almost completely in house - that is to say, that relatively few eyes have actually seen any form of this book prior to its release. I did it that way in part because I wanted to go in a new direction from the previous book, and because, to be honest, I wanted to keep this one close to the vest. Not only was it my first attempt at such a thing, I wanted the book to take everyone totally by surprise.

By all accounts, it would appear that I’ve achieved my objective.

You will also find that the book is divided into two principal parts: The Carrot and The Stick. The section entitled The Carrot is my attempt to woo you to reason; whereas The Stick is to show the often brutal reality of dating and mating. Patterned after the original Book of Obsidian, I thought taking this approach would make things a bit easier for you to understand where I’m coming from, and why.

Principal writing for the book took place in the summer months of 2020, the fall of 2021 and early 2022. Some of what would become full-blown chapters in the book started out as teaser and test bed posts written for various social media platforms, while others were written entirely from scratch.

Serving as both a stand alone volume in its own right, as well as a sister companion to The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman, The Book of Obsidian: The Ladies Edition can be read on its own, and in tandem with the original volume.

And like its big brother, this book will also strive to be up to the minute in terms of the issues and themes it addresses, as well as being as well-sourced as I can make it - all while still being conversational in its tone. In fact, I strongly suspect quite a few lovely ladies will do just that, putting the two together like the pieces of a puzzle.

It should also be noted that I have included a number of select chapters from The Book of Obsidian that originally appeared as columns on the Negromanosphere website. I felt that these chapters were pertinent to this book’s mission and scope. Those chapters will be marked with an editorial note at the beginning along with the original publication dates in column form.

Another reason I am including selected chapters from The Book of Obsidian is to act as an interconnecting bridge from one volume to the other, much like a shared universe that one would see in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, for example. Though originally written for a Black male audience, the selected chapters will also give Black lady readers of this book an insight into how Black men think about dating and mating matters in the 21st century. That is an altogether good thing; for far too long, the his and hers approach that seems to have been ossified in Black American life along these lines has in a very real sense hampered the Black American community’s ability to truly be effective in a highly competitive, increasingly interconnected, 21st century world. It can no longer be an either/or’ proposition; but rather, a both/and one.

A final word regarding this introduction is in order: Why me? Right? After all, this was the burning question at the heart of my previous book, and in many ways it is even more pressing with this one, given the subject matter. What qualifies me to be in a position to dole out advice and observations about the Black female condition as it pertains to dating and mating in 21st century Black America?

Well, the answer is quite obvious: Not only am I a Black man, but what I refer to as a non-select one at that; as such, I have a particular insight into matters of the heart that the vast majority of gurus in the Black Love Machine either do not possess or dare not divulge. It is my hope that the events of the past year, especially that relating to one Mr. Derrick Jaxn, will have humbled and chastened enough of you to listen to reason; time will tell.

Being a non-select guy has enabled me to see sides of Black female nature that most select fuckboy types - like Jaxn - either don’t see at all, or glimpse but through a glass darkly. It is those insights that have been the thrust of this book.

Another very important reason why this book had to be written is due to the profound fact that dating and mating books for women, especially for Black women, have been 90 percent You go, girl! - and 5 percent You kinda suck and here’s why, and this is what you need to do to improve your dating and mating chances out here on these streets".

Books of the same kind that have been written for men - from memoirs by Iceberg Slim (Pimp: The Story of My Life) and Neil Style Strauss (The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists) to Dr. Jordan Peterson’s insanely popular Twelve Rules for Living: An Antidote to Chaos, make no bones about the fact that if you, as a man, are reading a book like that, there is a very profound reason for it. Men can’t afford to have their fragile egos stroked; they either get their act together or suffer the ignoble consequences.

Well ladies, now it’s your turn.

As someone who makes my daily bread from and with Black men, a final reason why am I uniquely qualified and positioned to write this book is because, quite frankly, I don’t need your money. I can afford to write, promote, market, and even give this book away (which I fully intend to do because I want the message to get out far and wide and have in fact written hundreds of copies of this book into the promotional budget). As such, I don’t need to tell you things we both know aren’t true, which tend to be things you want to hear because it makes you feel better about yourself and your lovelorn predicament in the service of making a buck. By now you must know that the aforementioned gurus in the Black Love Machine - particularly Jaxn - pander to you all with a capital P: They tell you what you want to hear. To the tune of literally millions of dollars.

I will tell you what you need to hear. And I can do it because in large part, I can afford to do so. Lying to Black women, coddling their bullshit, and pretending that at least half of their problems in dating and mating is staring back at them when they look in the mirror, all while putting nearly 100 percent of the blame on Black men, is big business.

Let’s see if telling Black women the truth for a change, will, at least, break even.

How fortunate am I to stumble upon such a beautiful thing; it looks like I’ve had my own Only Nixon could go to China moment after all.

Ha!

Mumia Obsidian Ali

October 11, 2021

Philadelphia, PA

THE CARROT: Chapters 1 - 13

Chapter One

1: The Formula

"In effect and I’m smooth, that’s why I’m on the incline

Suckers frontin’ for nothin’ ’cause I’m goin’ to getmine

It’s in the cards and I think I might have read this

So don’t lie and try to front like someone said this

Most who know thoughts served by the DOC see

That it’s a mission impossible, tryin’ to rock me

For an arena who’d ask me to perform for her

G.O. and easily I flow and ya know usin’ the formula"

- The D.O.C.,

Rapper, songwriter and producer

The Formula, from his 1989 studio album,

No One Can Do It Better

Men are so simple of mind, and so much dominated by their immediate needs, that a deceitful man will always find plenty who are ready to be deceived.

- Niccolò Machiavelli

Italian diplomat, author, philosopher and historian

An excellent place to begin our discussion, is just how you wound up here in the first place. In the broadest terms, it can be described by what I refer to as the Black Love Machine - the multi-billion dollar a year business; an enormous economic engine; an entire ecosystem that caters to the romantic interests, dreams, anxieties and fantasies of Black women. Yes, that’s right, I said fantasies. Because, let’s face it - that’s exactly what it is. And if you’re reading this, chances are very high that the light bulb over your head finally came on and you realized what was going on - that it ain’t working for you - and that you’re looking for some actual answers.

You came to the right place.

How do I know this, you might ask? Well, because among other things, I’ve been closely studying this Black Love Machine phenomenon for quite some time - several decades, in fact. I’ve been a fly on the wall of numerous Black Love events - you know what I mean. The social mixers for example, where the ostensible purpose is for professionals to network - but the real, de facto purpose is to try to find The One. Of course and as you must know by now, such events rarely yield the desired results.

The more straight-ahead Black Love events often take the form of panel discussions - and usually range in size from more intimate settings like open mic night poetry readings, to the big auditorium-sized events. Usually, they feature one or more Black Love experts - personalities ranging from semi-famous comedians, singers, rappers, churchmen (and women), and increasingly in our time today, social media influencers of varying stripes. They hawk their wares, share a few minutes of their expertise and field questions from the largely Black female audience. They too, have a very low return rate - as I’m sure you know.

Since I made mention of the (Black) church, let’s go there as well, since they’ve gotten in on the Black Love Machine game, too. The more mega of the churches have snazzed up their presentations along these lines and gotten a bit more contemporary with it. But since a major problem is that there is a very real dearth of brothers in the chapel, when all the pomp and flash is over, you’re back to square one - aren’t you?

Nevertheless, there you are - and despite your abysmal failure rate, you keep coming back. There’s a reason for it: I call it the formula.

What do I mean?

THE BLACK LOVE MACHINE’S FORMULA

Although I have no smoking gun documents laying this out, it is undeniable that there is a pat, regimented format to what the experts of the Black Love Machine do; I call it the formula. The formula consists of a series of elements and factors that when put together, makes for a compelling package on the shelf that you ladies have been buying and buying and buying for years and years. Let’s look at this formula in more detail, shall we?

1. THE FORMULA CONSISTS OF BLACK MEN; (MOST) BLACK WOMEN NEED NOT APPLY. It may not be cricket to openly admit this in our woke and inclusive age, but the truth of the matter is that the Black Love Machine is largely (though not solely; notable exceptions coming up!) male in its expert makeup. Despite all the progressive hooplah to the contrary, Black women really DO like the Patriarchy when it comes to Black Love - and don’t at all feel comfortable taking such advice from Black women, with a few notable exceptions. Perhaps the biggest one of all would be Oprah Winfrey herself, though she’s done a masterful job of being more of a facilitator of Black Love experts and less being in the picture herself. This might explain both her success in an otherwise Black male dominated field, as well as her sheer longevity doing it. At any rate, when you think of the term Black Love expert, you’re almost always thinking of, to a Black man, Black men! And that’s just the way you lovely ladies like it!

2. THE BLACK LOVE EXPERT HAS TO FIT THE TEMPLATE. What do I mean by that? I mean, that they have to possess the right look, which is typically tall, dark and muscular (again, notable exceptions notwithstanding). In addition to this, They have to dress exceedingly well - tailored, if not outright bespoke suits and all the trimmings to boot. You won’t find much diversity among the Black Love expert crowd - few to no short(er) guys, cuddly teddy bear guys or guys whose style leans more alternative like say, a hipster. All of which only goes to show and prove that despite all the protestations to the contrary, the Black Love Machine proves that what turns your collective crank, ladies, is mind-numbingly predictable and similar. It really is a cookie cutter template when you think about it - just how many of the experts kinda sorta look (and of course sound) alike - but since the Black Love Business IS a business, no one can really be mad at these guys for only doing what has proven to appeal to you, right? That brings us to the next very important dimension of the formula…

3. YOU MUST TELL BLACK WOMEN WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. This means being very vague, using all kinds of trendy euphemisms, convoluted language, quasi-metaphysical/spiritual word salad, tailored for Black female ears, never drawing attention to the bleedingly obvious source of your problems; and God forbid they ever say anything about your appearance(!). In other words, you must not ever tell Black women the truth. The Black Love Expert must be your cheerleader; he’s there to uplift you and, well, cheer you on all that you’ve been through; and they must never, ever, suggest that you’re the reason why your love life sucks. The Black Love Expert is always to point out that it’s his fault, so-and-so’s fault, the White man and woman’s fault, society’s fault, blah, blah, blah - anybody and everybody’s fault but yours. The Black Love Expert’s job is to make every Black woman feel like a queen on her throne, a dime piece no matter how she looks, acts or has done in her past that still lives in the present (ahem). And, if the sheer longevity and purchase receipts of the Black Love Machine are anything to go by, they’ve done a bang up job.

The reason why the formula works, is because so many of you lovely ladies want to believe what Black Love Experts are selling you - which aren’t actually relationship solutions (for one thing, there would be far and away more Black men in attendance at these guys’ events) - but rather, catering to your fantasies.

Yes, that’s right ladies, the gig is up - we guys know what’s really going on here. You have very fertile imaginations (shoutout to Zane, among other Black erotica writers)!! In fact I would not at all be surprised if one or more of these Black Love Experts has done a bit of reading and studying the voluminous works of the likes of Zane and her ilk.

But wait, there’s more! I have at least one other major ingredient of the formula that no Black Love Expert is complete without:

4. YOU MUST BE A REFORMED SELECT FUCKBOY. Don’t know what Select Fuckboy means? Checkout the glossary at the back of this book and come back.

Anyway, the Black Love Expert has to have a checkered past when it comes to Black Love, complete with the breaking of hearts, cheating on the lovely ladies and more - and then, you have the proverbial Paul on the road to Damascus moment, where you had an epiphany and saw the error of your ways, and want to atone for your misdeeds by hipping Black women to the game(s) that Black men play. Of course what is conveniently left out is the fact that the Black Men that the so-called Black Love Expert is talking about, includes himself, but he must never explicitly say as much. Moreover he must say nothing of the fact that there are plenty of Black men who are the exact opposite of himself in appearance and deed - but, you see, if he did that, if he made that fact crystal clear, it would break the spell. You, lovely lady, absolutely need to believe that the Black Love Expert isn’t that guy now, and his checkered past gives him the inside track on all of the other Black men just like he was way back when, and can arm you with vital intel on how to navigate and deal with such ne’er do wells today. Put that together with the well known saw about (Black) women loving to save/change a so-called bad boy, or are otherwise loving fuckboy redeemed stories, and welp, there you go - it’s catnip to you ladies.

It’s all a seriously heady mix - along with the slickly produced social media presentations, tightly choreographed events, and of course, plenty of merchandise to sell so you can make sure that you’ll love yourself.

By yourself.

WHY THE FORMULA WORKS

The reason why the formula is such a crucial driver to the overall economy of the Black Love Machine (and by extension why it works), is because you lovely ladies WANT it to; you NEED to believe in the fantasy that these damn near perfect specimens of Black manhood are just what the doctor ordered.

You NEED to believe that what they’re telling you is all the way real, too. If these guys have proven anything, it’s that a plurality of Black women most certainly DO have a type and like I said earlier, it is mind-numbingly similar and consistent. They have successfully exploited your expressed preferences and desires in Black men and used them powerfully in a way to sell you products, goods and services - let’s call it The Fantasy of Black Love.

Honestly, from one businessman to quite a few others over there, I can’t be mad at them; they are merely responding to clear market demand, customer interest and revealed, express preferences of what Black women desire most in Black men writ large. I just see the very real potential for a lot of damage being done not just to yourself, but to the Black community at large (read: Including Black men, yes) - by feeding into your delusions.

Hey, don’t get me wrong - there’s a place for fantasy in all our lives. Fantasy plays the essential and important role of getting us away from the often unpleasant, or even just monotonous, reality of our daily lives; and having a vivid fantasy life can indeed be quite mentally and emotionally healthy. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with an evening or outing of entertainment rooted in the Black Love Experience (real or imagined). And to be fair, not all of the fellas working in the Black Love business are Machiavellian Svengalis out on the make; I can personally vouch for at least a few over the years who sincerely wanted to do what they could to move the needle along these lines.

The problem, of course, comes in when we do anything to excess - and trust me, I’ve seen you ladies do this Black Love thing to extremes that beg belief. You go to event after event after event, buy up enormous amounts of merch, including this or that book, and of course in our time of social media, many of you religiously follow, like and share your Black Love Dreamboats til the cows come home. As mentioned above, little, if any of it, actually works in any lasting way; but it does work in the sense that it allows to dream on these guys and what could be - which, after all, is a far sight better than what you actually have now in your lives, right?

While I’m on that point, let me also note the unpleasant fact that these guys also have a monetary interest in you NOT pairing off with so-and-so and riding off into the sunset - if that happened, they would be one less customer, right? A recent Time magazine article noted the fact that America now not only has the highest proportion of singletons in our country’s history but that Black Americans are the most single of all. The real kicker - important for this discussion - is that of that, Black women in particular are the single most people in America today, at a whopping SIXTY-TWO PERCENT:

The trend has not had an equal impact across all sectors of society. The Pew study, which uses information from the 2019 American Community Survey, notes that men are now more likely to be single than women, which was not the case 30 years ago. Black people are much more likely to be single (59%) than any other race, and Black women (62%) are the most likely to be single of any sector. Asian people (29%) are the least likely to be single, followed by whites (33%) and Hispanics (38%). ¹

Smoking gun proof, if there ever was any, that the Black Love Machine simply ain’t getting it done - if by that phrase it is meant, actually bringing Black men and women together. Indeed, if anything, there is strong evidence that they’re doing the exact opposite.

In any event and as I’ve said above, if you’re here, it’s because you finally figured it all out and that it ain’t working. Like the late great Aaliyah said, you need a resolution. The first step is in recognizing what the Black Love Machine actually is.

I’m here to help.

Because God knows you need it!

Chapter Two

2: On Black Men Cheating (& What To Do About It)

Man: Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk. Baby, I am sorry.

Woman: No, you’re not sorry. I can’t believe you did this. You have no respect for me. Get the fuck… Don’t you fucking touch me.

Man: Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second.

Woman: No, if you’re sorry, you wouldn’t have fucked her!

Eddie Murphy: And then you change the shit around. Right, guys?

Man: OK, wait a minute! Wait one second, goddamn it! Yes, I fucked her, yes. Is that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her. We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked! Now, let’s talk about the word ‘fuck’ for a minute. Because that’s a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did. Fuck. I fucked her. I make love to you.

-Eddie Murphy

Actor, comedian, writer, producer, singer

Raw, the 1987 stand-up comedy film

If there is one thing I have consistently observed and learned about you lovely ladies over the many, many years of my being a fly on the wall of far too many Black Love events I’ve attended big and small, it’s that hands down the number one concern you all have is a Black man with a cheating heart.

It’s part of every aspect of media you consume, from literature to films, songs and more. ² No discussion about Black Love can be honestly had, and especially from the perspective of Black women, without taking a cold, clear eyed look at infidelity - marital or otherwise. And rightly so - it is perhaps the single biggest driver of marital and relational strife in Black America historically, and continues to be a major threat in our time today.

Unfortunately, and as I’ve noted elsewhere throughout this book, for the sheer size of the Black Love Machine and its ever-expanding list of experts’, they haven’t been able to get a handle on the single biggest concern of you ladies. Even more embarrassingly, at least to my mind, the reason(s) why are quite obvious: One, because they are incapable of addressing a matter that largely (though NOT solely) involves Black men and they don’t address them, for the most part; two, because it is clear by now that they simply don’t have the information with which to discuss the matter, let alone offer any clear cut solutions, to the problem; and three, because let’s face it - what would all these experts" do if Black America saw, let’s say, a rather sudden 51 percent drop in cheating? Think that state of affairs wouldn’t affect the Black Love Machine’s bottom line?

Think again.

Since it’s become clear to me that somebody’s gotta come