It'll Happen By 30 A Relentless Journey of Faith Delayed But Not Denied

By Marline C. Duroseau

Just when you think you have it all planned out, the universe has other plans. Do you have what it takes to stay on course in spite of the inevitable detour or change of plans? Can you still trust the process and keep the faith? Join Marline on this uncertain journey. She will take you on the quest of ups, downs, uncertainties and frustrations.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BK Royston Publishing
• Release date: Feb 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9781955063593

Book preview

Introduction

What is a plan? A plan is a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something. When someone plans, they are deciding on or arranging something in advance. Everyone has a plan. We plan for how we’ll get through school. We plan for a milestone trip and celebration. We plan out the week to see to it the weekend is used for something in particular. We plan our routes when traveling.

In essence, it is a good idea to have a plan, right? Unfortunately, life would not live up to all it’s cracked out to be if everything went according to plan. It is inevitable that some plans may not unravel as intended. When this happens. This is where the multitude of tests come in to play. The tests of faith, the tests of reliance, the tests of loyalty, the tests of patience, the tests of endurance and perseverance.

As I provide the detailed steps of my and my family’s infertility journey, you will experience and witness along with me the unplanned series of events. I would like to add this was my experience. Everyone may not experience the exact same thing and your journey may be different. One thing remains constant, there is a lot to unpack on this trip and hopefully my story can help sift through all those layers without falling apart.

Contact Info –

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Website: www.happenbook.com

It’ll Happen by 30

So tell me, have you always wanted kids?

Yes. This is a loaded question that has been asked of me time and time again. Ever since I was small, I might have been 10 yrs old and I just knew I wanted kids because I come from a big family. So I wanted the same thing, 10 kids to be exact. My mom and dad, Barthol and Isilia, have five kids together: My sister, Yveline, and I and three brothers, Sudney, Wilkens and Berny. My dad has three additional kids, Bertholet, Kedlaire and Emma. So there's eight of us. My dad comes from a large family as well. There were a lot of siblings — there might've been seven or eight of them. My mom's story is a little sad. I know her mom passed away when she was nine. They both went to bed and fell sleep together, and when my mom woke up, her mom was not awake next to her. I also know she was the baby of her family. She always talked about her older sister and I think one or two brothers, maybe there were about four or five. I'm not really sure.

So, I never met my grandmother. I always wondered what my grandmother was like. As a matter of fact, I didn’t get a chance to meet either grandmother, and it’s indeed sad whenever I think of it. So I cherish the relationship I see day in and day out between grandparents and their grandbabies. It’s a different level and type of love.

By the time I became a teenager, I still wanted children, but I definitely didn't want 10 anymore. I lowered my count. I'm like, Oh, I love the kids because I used to always be around my cousins. There were a lot of us and we grew up together. Although there were eight of us kids, all of us didn't grow up together. My little brother and I were born here, and then I had two brothers and sister come from Haiti when I was nine.

So we went from having only a four-person household that all of a sudden grew to seven. They were five kids and I was nine. So my brother and I, when you're nine, all you know is American life. You don't know another language. My dad spoke English. My mom didn't speak English that well, but we communicated — she's my mom. Like it wasn't an issue, you know? So now I’m nine and I had three more siblings who just came here, and we're trying to each learn each other's language to communicate. And then by the time I turned 15, another brother came. Also, in the middle of all of this, I have a sister who’s Bahamian. So we knew her too, and even remember some visits and interactions but she didn't live with us.

Then my final brother, Kedlaire, lived in Haiti; he didn't come to visit until I was about 16. He is a lawyer. He came to America for some kind of law school international program.

All throughout my adolescent years, obviously I wasn't thinking about kids. I was a straight A student. I was just focused on school, hanging out with my friends, you know, getting along with my family, just doing that type of thing. So I really wasn't worried about it. At that point, that was when it was the say no to drugs era and no teenage pregnancy era. No one was thinking about having children at that point.

I was helping taking care of kids from the age of nine, like my cousins, neighbors and things like that. So I've always been around little children. Then my sister started having kids because she was a little older than me. When I was 12, almost 13, she had my first niece, Beatrice. So, we were like sisters, you know? So then she had another baby, Brittney, and another baby, Brillana. So between being like an older teenager and a college student, I was also helping take care of my sister’s children. I really enjoyed spending time with and helping care for them.

Then at that point, I met my husband, and we weren't thinking about kids or anything, but we were together since I was about 16, 17. I moved out when I was 18, which was really young. Now that I look back on it, I know why parents worried and do what they do because you think you're grown.

You think you are, but you're not, you're not.

(Feb 2008 – Josue Photography - wedding pictures photo reshoot)

It’s Time to Start the Work - Let’s Get Checked Out

I moved out at 18 and we got married when I was 21. At that point having babies just wasn't happening, but it was OK because I was still in college pursuing my bachelor's degree. So when I got to be around 22, 23, I said, you know, I need, we need to go get checked out to figure out what's going on because you know, not that we necessarily wanted it to happen, but there were no accidents. Like nothing was going on. And at that point my husband already had a son, Richard. When I met my husband, his son was one, almost two. He was his only kid. So in the Island community, I figured they just automatically assumed that, Oh, you know, he has children. So he's not the problem. I thought everyone felt it was obvious, it should be me. It's what my thought pattern was. No one really asked us our plans or talked about it. It came up sometime but not often. My husband was a good sport. I was about 23 when we started to look into going to the doctor, and I remember there was this nice Jamaican lady at a doctor’s office, Dr. Mark Goodman, I went to and she's like, OK, why are you guys here? You guys are young. It just takes time. It'll happen. I said, listen, don't tell me I'm too young because then I will be 38 and then you're going to ask me why didn't I come when I was younger. The lady starts laughing and she says, You know what? You're right. I never thought about it like that. So, and then we ended up staying with that doctor, Dr. Mark Goodman. You know, when you go to someplace seeking whatever help, regardless of what it is, you feel hopeful and ready to be like, Oh, OK, it's going to work.

My marriage was strong. I was finished with school. We were trying to buy a house. Like everything was falling in line the way it should have, but it still never happened. We had a few treatments with Dr. Goodman. We had three cycles of intrauterine insemination (IUI), not the invasive in vitro fertilization (IVF) yet. But for IUI to work, you need a really strong sperm count.

With IUI, they bypass the vagina and just put the sperm in the uterus and it is less distance for them to swim. Each time we went to do it, the sperm count wasn't there, you know, something was going on, but they didn't necessarily say anything was wrong with me. So we're all looking at each other, like how come he has this child but yet the sperm numbers just aren’t there now? So, all of a sudden there's an issue, you know, on his side. Around this time, I started to hear the office throw around the term PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) as maybe something I might have after going through all of my diagnostic screenings. So after those failed three cycles, we eventually switched doctors. It's about five years later. In that meantime, we bought the house. I went back to school for my Master's Degree. We renewed our vows and had a church ceremony and huge wedding. It was important to me to get married in church as I felt that just made our union more official, if that makes sense, in front of the Lord. It was a beautiful celebration! I was also trying to get my CPA license. So, I just had other things to occupy my mind. In the meantime, my friends were having kids.

My sister had another baby, Ysvelt my 1st nephew, too and everybody around me was married and having kids. I can also say I was a proud auntie and god mom to many of the babies. I didn't let it bother me too much, but it impacts you, you know. I never had a jealous or envious feeling in my heart. And I know it's really important for people to know that because the one time I did, I literally lost it. I finally had that moment in January 2010 where I was like, Woe is me. I was depressed. I cried. I was upset. I said, This doesn't make any sense. This is just horrible. And then my husband goes, It's OK. It's OK to let it out. You know, you're not a bad person because you feel that way. You know, why me? Why, why, why?

It Should Happen By 30

So back to 2003, we had had those treatments that didn't work. We took a little bit of a break. I had other stuff going on, explained above. And then in 2008, 5 years later, we went to see Dr. Kenneth Gelman. He too, did some diagnostic screenings on me and found some of the indications of PCOS. I don’t remember Dr. Gelman being or showing much of a concern about my levels or polycystic ovaries as my body did what it was supposed to each month and my hormones, although borderline, was not out of whack. We did an IUI cycle with clomid and then another IUI cycle with injectables, higher doses of fertility medications. I always responded well to the medications. Those treatments didn't work, either. I remember going during lunch for one of the IUIs and Dr. Gelman was just shocked. He even suggested we cancel the transfer because the sperm count and motility were both so low. I was devastated. I did it anyway but all in all it resulted in a negative pregnancy test both times. I remember him telling me, things like, You need to relax, go and take up yoga, do some acupuncture, try to relax, don't be as stressed out about it because even if you don't feel physically stressed, subconsciously it's manifesting and it's ‘gonna impede whatever it is you're trying to do.

Also in 2008, my childhood friend Sonia invited me to join a support group, YANA, which stands for You Are Not Alone! The group was created by a young lady, Manouchka, who wanted to bring young married women and couples together who had experienced miscarriage, loss, infertility, etc. It truly was a breath of fresh air. As many of us were from Island backgrounds and educated professionals, yet we shared that common feeling of having these taboo issues plague us in one way or another. There weren’t many people we could talk to. Having this group was just great.

My first meeting was very memorable and therapeutic, as well. You think you have a tough time and then you find out others have experienced the same as you. You also find out others are in much more difficult situations than you. It was a very eye-opening and humbling experience. I love the group and its members.

Upon speaking with one of the ladies and deciding on next steps with fertility plans, I found out about a company that offered refunds if you did not take a live baby home. My pursuit of that option is what led me to Dr. David Hoffman and IVF FL (IVF Florida)! So at that point, I did take up yoga in 2009 after both Dr. Gelman and Dr. Hoffman recommended I do so. I loved it. I started Bikram Yoga, one of the toughest because it’s conducted in a hot room. During my consult and subsequent work-ups with Dr. Hoffman, we found out I needed a surgery for something. So I did that, and everything turned out fine. I needed to have a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy procedure. It turned out it was just a blood clot that looked like something else on a diagnostic screening ultrasound.

As explained, it was my uterine lining that hadn't shed totally after my period. So they weren't sure if it was a polyp or fibroid. I mean, so at that point, you're thinking, OK, now you really want to think maybe that's why it didn't happen because this was what's going on. So we did that surgery in 2009, everything ended up fine. It was just some blood that needed to be cleaned out. So that was perfect. Dr. Hoffman also found as a result of my diagnostic screenings he was not totally convinced I have a PCOS diagnosis. He could agree I had some of the individual symptoms relating to PCOS, like the excessive facial hair, literal ovaries that were cystic and filled with follicles even when not stimulated, borderline testosterone levels, etc. However, all else did not lead to that as a finite diagnosis, especially because I menstruated each month and my hormones during the different stages in the monthly cycle adjusted accordingly. As we would find, my body responded extremely well to any medications I was given. Thus, he felt even if it were PCOS, it was not really an issue – it could be addressed. He agreed with Kevens and I moving on to IVF and thought we’d be successful because of the process’s evolution to kind of bypass the sperm count issue, reducing the large number needed.

Throughout this entire time, my husband was working overnight. And when I say overnight, I mean he started work around five in the evening and didn't get off again until five in the morning.

It takes a toll on you, the relationship and your plans. As time went on, I decided to start planning my 30th birthday party. I said to myself, no, it's time. This is my focus. I have my Master’s, I just got my CPA license, we have a house, we have great jobs. We have everything. I told my husband, We need to work on changing your schedule so we can focus on having these kids. I really felt this is the year it's going to happen; I just knew it. I just kept saying to myself, this is the year it's going to happen. So, surgery in 2009, mental breakdown where I felt jealousy and was update in 2010, then the big 3-0 to come in 2011. I remember like it was yesterday.

And I said, Yes, this is when it's going to happen. You need to change your schedule because you need to be with me. We're going to have these kids. And I don't want to feel like a single mother. He said, Single mother? I said, If you're working overnight, when you come home, you'll be asleep. So who's going to help me with the children? I'm not doing that. You know? My husband was able to work on his schedule but the change did not last long. He eventually was offered more money and a promotion to return to the overnight shift because it was just not going well without him.

At this point, we would be given a blessing in disguise in that his mother was to come from Haiti. His mother lived in Haiti this whole time. The plan was she was going to live with her daughter because her daughter had like seven kids, five biological children of her own and then two more from her husband. So there was more of a need to help her with the kids. So, you see we both come from large families.

It just so happened my mother-in-law ended up wanting to and staying with my husband and I. And she's been with me ever since. Thank God, because I don't know what I would do without this her. Yeah.

She came to America for the first time the day of my 30th birthday party. She arrived in the morning of April 2nd and the party was that evening.

Did I Meet My Goal?

Let’s go back a bit more. After meeting Dr. Hoffman in 2009 and then having the surgery, two years just kind of flew by. I actually did