My God and Me: Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey

By LaShawnda Jones

Relationships change with the tide of life. When your relationships ebb more than flow, do you find yourself asking, "Were my dying relationships ever real relationships? Are the people who maintain contact, but with whom there is no connection, worth holding on to? Should I expect a person's presence in my life to equal dependency in my time of ne

• Language: English
• Publisher: Spirit Harvest
• Release date: Aug 24, 2009
• ISBN: 9780977617906

LaShawnda Jones

LaShawnda Jones is an independent author, photographer and publisher for Harvest Life. Her work focuses on women, spiritual growth, social justice and experiencing the beauty of everyday life through gratitude. LaShawnda has published several books exploring the impact of childhood sexual trauma in adulthood as well as the challenges and joys of applying faith to daily struggles. LaShawnda began writing as a form of prayer at the age of seven. Her diaries became a catalog of the abuse she endured. She received her first camera at the age of ten and have never been without one since. Expressing herself in words and images became her nature. It is evolving into a way for her to help others share their stories. Materials within her published works are sourced from decades of writing to reflect and heal. LaShawnda Jones holds a B.A in Political Science and French and a M.A. in International Affairs. She has studied in France and Poland in addition to missionary training in New York City and Israel. LaShawnda Is a member of the RAINN Speaker's Bureau and is available for speaking engagements nationally. She's also available for photography assignments. Explore her work (words and photographs) at Harvest-Life.org.

Book preview

My God and Me

Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey

An Autobiographical Devotional

LASHAWNDA JONES

Jazzy Media LLC

New York, New York

August 2009

Other books

by LaShawnda Jones

Poetry

Clichés: A Life in Verse

(Jazzy Media LLC)

Contributor

Go, Tell Michelle: African American Women

Write to the New First Lady

(Excelsior Editions)

Compiled and Edited by

Barbara A. Seals Nevergold and Peggy Brooks-Bertram

Available at:

www.mygodandme.info

www.amazon.com

www.bn.com

Please note: Names in this book have been changed to protect the privacy of people I have interacted with over the years. Unless otherwise cited and noted, all events are written from my perspective and understanding. This book is only meant to be an accounting of the life experiences that have impacted and matured me spiritually.

God bless you, LaShawnda

My God and Me: Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey. Copyright ©2009, 2010 by LaShawnda Jones. All rights reserved. Jazzy Media LLC Printed In the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For more information, please visit www.mygodandme.info or write to [e-mail].

Unless otherwise indicated, all Old Testament and New Testament scripture quotations are taken from the New King James version on www.Bible.com, © 1995 Bible.com Ministries, Dewey, Arizona.

All word definitions are taken from www.Dictionary.comUnabridged (v 1.1), Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Category: Mind, Body, Spirit – Inspiration & Personal Growth

Second edition. ISBN: 978-0-9776179-7-5

ISBN: 978-0-9776179-0-6 (e-book)

Dedication

My God and Me is dedicated to three of my dearly departed…

Terry Ann Stuart

(née Jones)

1960-1996

Mother

Nicolette Stuart

1982-1983

Baby Sister

Antoine Jones

1976-2007

Younger Brother

I trust my mother, sister and brother are resting in the love and comfort of God’s embrace. Their time with me was brief, but I remember them always. We know neither the day nor the time we will be called home. Use your time and your life wisely in the service of your God and His people.

…and to my beloved who still breathes but is not living

Kim Jones

Younger Sister

God is with you, as are my prayers. I believe it, therefore through my faith, I know you are covered by my love. 1 Peter 4:8

Contents

A Blessing for My Daughters

Preface: Life West of the Grand Canyon

Introduction

Episodes of Clarity

Life Cycle

30 Random Things About Me

No More Complaints

Better Than You Should Be

Who Am I in Christ?

Practicing What I Preach

Self-Image is Everything.

Reflections on Weight Conversations

Smoke and Mirrors: The Confusion of Fantasy

Chunky Dunkin’

Out of the Mouths of Babes: My Body, Your Image

This is Why I’m Hot

Speak Power and Prosperity Into Your Life

They Say I’m Lucky…

Forged in Adversity

Every Day is a Big Deal

Next of Kin

One Second

Who U Wit?

Some Things About Funerals

Best Things in Life

Can I Love You?

Family and Friend Relationships

Words, Part One

Defining Family and Friend

Covenant of Friendship

Levels of Teaching

God of Good and Evil

Emotional Side Effects of Friendship

Importance of Words

Hindsight: Seeing Friends as Something Else

And Me?

Don’t Grow Weary of Doing Good

Things Women Do and Say

Dichotomy of Jemini

Healing Graces

Eulogizing Antoine

Cultivating My Spirit

Journal: Friday, January 13, 2006

Priscilla on the 5

Speak Your Feelings

A Road I Must TravelAlone

8 Wrong Places to Find Yourself

Growing Through Vulnerability

Speaking Rock

Becoming Whole and Holy

Rebounding

Big Girl, Little Closet

How Are You Living?

Boss Lady: A Brief Illusion of the Triumph of Evil

Pop Culture Messiah

Take Me

Practicing Patience Through Dating

Build it…

Reconciling My Sexiness with My Celibacy

Ladies, You’re the Prize!

Men

Set Apart

Dating Anxiety

Good Touch, Bad Touch

And it Don’t Stop!

Sugar Daddy M.O.

Technology Upgrade, Personal Downgrade

Call Me Naïve…

I Never Asked You Out…

REVELATIONS

Preparation for the Marriage Relationship

If I were the Author of my life

25 Things to Think Twice About Before You Marry

Foolish of Me

Life Isn’t Fair, Dream Anyway

Fascinating Womanhood: What does he see in her?

So, what are you really saying?

Prepare for Marriage?

Seeking Satisfaction

Man Friend Lessons

Preparing for Marriage: Learning from Bad Examples

Scandalous

Marriage: Work It!

Tell Me You Love Me

#1 Predictor of Divorce

You’re Being Prepared Anyway, Why Not Focus?

Girl v. Woman

girl vs. WOMAN

where r u?

Imagining Life

Gratitude

Family Man

Galaxy Quest

A Happy Marriage is No Accident

Beautifully Imperfect

Our Nakedness

Lover & Lovee

Appendix

Things I Don’t Like About Myself

Things I Absolutely Love About Myself

If I Could Kiss It….

Evaluating My Life Balance

Self-Image Survey

How Much Do You Know About Marriage?

Building A Firm Foundation

Family Mission Statement

Scripture Index

Resource List

= Poem

A Blessing for My Daughters

Young daughter, as you grow into an inquisitive little girl, a precocious teen and a delightful young woman you may have moments of self-doubt. We all do. But, never forget, life is a never ending journey that began in love. Keep that knowledge – build on it, grow from it, use it to gather strength as you mature on your walk.

Days may come when you question your purpose. Know that your purpose is for greatness and you were born with everything you need to fulfill it. Every step of your journey is preparation for everything to come. You’ll climb mountains and tumble into valleys; you’ll rest in fragrant pastures and be refreshed with cleansing waters. You may feel like you’re completely alone, but your Big Brother is walking with you. You may feel as if there’s no reason for all the walking and falling, or the long rests and waits, but your Father has a plan. You’ll rejoice with laughter and rant in tears. Give equal thanks for your troubles and your blessings, for even your pain will benefit you.

Don’t be fooled when you view others from the distance of your height or depth or through the lens of your grief and solitude. Their route may look smooth and uneventful. You may be tempted to pray for their ease, swiftness and surefootedness. Don’t. Pray instead for wisdom, guidance, and strength or other characteristics of Grace that will help you through your whole journey, not just a portion of it. Pray that the obstacles you encounter, the enemies you face and the many disappointments that weigh you down become opportunities to fellowship deeper with God. Stay focused, remain faithful, keep moving and your life will be a blessing to others.

Preface

Life West of the Grand Canyon

Arizona is beautiful, breathtaking, majestic, and serene. My family moved there from the Midwest when I was ten years old. For three years, I literally lived in a valley and didn’t mind. In every direction there was an endless mountain range. I wasn’t intimidated by mountains then. Mountains were surreal from a distance and a simple extension of the earth up close. Indeed, traversing mountains was no different than walking on level ground – the earth was beneath me and the sky was above.

During my time in Arizona, I lived as a child of the dessert – running across plateaus and dancing in monsoons. Resting during siesta and glorying in sunsets. I lived in a great land that spoke God’s name with every breeze and each ray of dawning and setting light. I was one with the land but felt as if I was missing the most wondrous experience – the Grand Canyon.

The summer I turned fourteen I was sent to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to babysit for an aunt. I didn’t think it would be a permanent arrangement. At the time I wasn’t too concerned that I hadn’t yet journeyed to the Grand Canyon to see it with my own eyes. I knew I would return to my beloved desert. However, it was seven years before I set foot in Arizona again. I stayed for several months but left yet again without seeing that portion of God’s great work.

Three years later a friend and I decided to take a road trip across the southwest. We flew into Las Vegas, meandered into Arizona and coasted to California. The only thing I insisted on was spending time at the Grand Canyon. We drove many endless hours through hot dry desert just so I could finally lay my eyes on one of God’s amazing carvings and sculptures. When we finally got to the Grand Canyon, my joy turned to slight disgruntlement. We were west of the West Rim, outside the western wall of the canyon. Meaning, we couldn’t see into the canyon at all! My view was blocked by a rock wall towering into the sky. It was an amazing area with beautiful scenery, but it was not what I was looking for.

That’s the story of my life. From that day on, I claimed my first book about my life would be titled Life West of the Grand Canyon. This title represented how wrong my life was to me. How I always get so close to my goals, yet somehow fall short of actually achieving them. Fortunately, through the years, I’ve learned God has always given me exactly what I’ve needed, when I’ve needed it. He has always been present and actively orchestrating my exposure and lessons. So, upon reflection, My God and Me became a more fitting title to illustrate how the life experiences I had perceived as errors have actually been the right lessons for me to grow on.

During my last visit to the Arizona desert, nearly nine years after I had reached the western wall of the West Rim, I finally got to look down into the canyon from various vantage points. It was breathtaking. Awe-inspiring. I was giddy and speechless. It was on this trip, over twenty-two years after I had first stepped foot in Arizona, that I looked up and saw a heart-shaped cloud moving over a mountain. My God always speaks amazingly awesome words of love to me. I placed my hand over my heart and replied, I love you back!

Introduction

Do you know the day and time you first believed? Perhaps you know people who claim they’ve been walking with Christ for eight years, nine months and ten days or some detailed variation? I am not one of those people. I cannot pinpoint the moment I first believed. Nor do I recall a time of non-belief. However, most of my life, I resisted practicing my beliefs. I resisted obeying God. I resisted His call. Though I have always felt God’s presence in my life, I used to hope He would let me roam wild and carefree before taming me with His Word. I never quite got wild, nor was I ever free of cares, but I did get a lot of bumps on my head and many bruises to my ego. All have been lessons to grow on.

Prior to my move to New York City in the fall of 2005, God was someone I had great ideals about but not someone I knew personally. I had heard of His wonderful works and had actually experienced His works in my own life, but I didn’t think He was really paying attention to me. There were so many other people for Him to be concerned with. During those years, God was like a wardrobe accessory I put on most days then promptly forgot I was wearing.

The Book of Ecclesiastes tells us repeatedly there is nothing new under the sun. As I have studied the Bible, grown more confident in God’s Word and more knowledgeable of his methods, I’ve come to see that even the way He deals with His people today is similar to the model of Biblical relationships we have been given. I’ve been able to identify parallels between my life and Biblical stories. The parallel that most influences My God and Me is God’s instruction to Abram to leave his country and his kindred. Abram did as instructed and had terrible difficulties from the outset. However, those difficulties did not deter him in his faith or his belief that God would do as He said He would do.

Meditation Verse: Genesis 12:1-3

Now the LORD had said to Abram: Get out of your country, from your family and from your father’s house, to a land that I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name great; and you shall be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you; and in you, all the families of the earth shall be blessed.

I believe I have been called away from my family and the community of my youth in order for God to better prepare me for His work. I have gone through many difficulties that have strengthened my faith and deepened my fellowship with my God. I know I will have many more tests and trials before my journey is complete, but I am so much better prepared now than I was a few years ago.

I used to tell people I grew up in the church; I knew about God and Jesus. My declaration has changed. Now, I know God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit! I live in them as they live in me. Awesome! What wondrous power the Trinity gives me from day to day! Yes, I am in love; a deep, abiding love that has nothing to do with this world. I am awed and humbled by the way my God takes care of me, I am amazed by the examples my Savior provided me and I am continually enlightened by the awareness and revelations the Holy Spirit allows me. I desire nothing more than to be obedient to the instructions God speaks to me. I sincerely seek to be in His presence and to please Him. I didn’t experience any of this until my isolation triggered my personal evolution. Or rather, my isolation allowed me time and space to focus on my evolution, as well as my relationship with God.

This collection of previously posted blogs is a record of the transformation my spirituality and life focus have undergone over the last four years. In the beginning, I railed against being set apart from everyone and everything familiar to me; I didn’t like being by myself. However, I am grateful for the process He put me through, for I have learned to depend on and commune with my Father God. The time I’ve spent talking to Him exclusively has taught me to hear Him better. Even as I weaned myself off the false dependency of family and friends, I had to also wean myself off of my self dependency. I learned quickly that nothing outside the will of God is going to take place in my life. He is my protector, guide and provider. When I began to recognize, accept and trust His care and provisions, I was able to let go of my issues bit by bit and rely more and more on Him.

When I began blogging, my only intent was to entertain and promote. However, as I have reread and edited this collection, I am truly humbled by the message God is giving you through me. I am blessed by the amount of cleansing and lifting He has done within me. This book is a synopsis of my life. Some stories may seem very un-Christian – in fact maybe the whole collection will cause you to question my Christianity. That’s fine – I’m not concerned with being judged by anyone. This is a record of my honest thoughts, opinions and experiences at the time I chronicled them. I don’t want anyone to think for a moment that aspiring to a Christ-like character and existence is easy or without lapses and outward desires. Some words are mine, but most, I believe, are simply delivered through me. I pray you find some words within these pages to help you and contribute to your continued growth.

May God continue to bless and keep you.

LaShawnda

Episodes of Clarity

Life Cycle

Out of the night of winter

Into the light of spring

Blossoming with so much greater

Life in summer

Even autumn offers hope

Cycling, cycling

Growing, growing

Through it all

Becoming

30 Random Things About Me

1.I am happiest when I have people around to love and give to

2.I expect that my life partner will be claiming me any day now

3.I don’t like walking into a dark, empty apartment at the end of the day

4.I have a deep distaste for being taken advantage of and taken for granted

5.I was never as man crazy as I acted at times

6.New York City is exhausting me

7.I self-published two books of poetry and still don’t consider myself a poet

8.Losing my mother devastated me; losing my brother numbed me; my sister keeps me in limbo

9.I feel as if I have a well of love just bubbling over to give to someone or everyone, and no one is interested in receiving it

10. I’ve grown from every situation in my life

11. I used to resent my problems – now I actively look for the lessons in them

12. I don’t like traveling alone, but prefer it to unpleasant company

13. I’ve visited 46 states and performed in most of them as a model

14. I can’t abide liars

15. Honesty is the best policy with me

16. I love music

17. I have tried to take my heart back from some people, but they wouldn’t let go

18. I am spiritual, not religious

19. I’m suspicious of hard and fast rules and people who don’t think for themselves

20. I’ve only recently realized most people don’t know what or who Love is

21. My favorite gift from my mother was a dictionary; my favorite gift from a friend was a study Bible

22. The Color Purple is my favorite movie; Celie feels like my other name

23. I value loyalty above most things

24. Forgiveness is a process you can’t do on someone else’s terms

25. As much as technology keeps us in touch, it keeps us disconnected

26. Out of many millions of profiles, eHarmony has never found one match for me

27. I hate dating, love children and haven’t figured out how to get one without going through the other

28. I’m not a networker, I’m a relationship builder

29. I believe God has always held me in the palm of His hand

30. I feel blessed no matter my sorrows

No More Complaints

Life has a way of winding its own path. Before accepting this truth, I stayed in the process of planning great things. Whenever my life veered away from my plans I believed myself in crisis, shut down and went into self-evaluation mode.

Drastic changes began to reshape my life in 2004. The first of two life-altering situations was the decision to start a publishing business, Jazzy Media. The second was my decision to move to New York City from Milwaukee, Wisconsin in 2005. My employment situation was not ideal at the beginning of 2004 and by mid-year it worsened to unemployment. For months, I waited for inspiration for the next big thing. New York City lit up in my mind and energized me. My only source of income at the time was unemployment insurance. I had no savings and no wealthy relatives. My accessibility to cash, or lack thereof, was not a determining factor, nor a detriment to the developments taking place in my life.

Numerous people have since asked me how I was able to do these two things over the span of two years, during which I was unemployed for eighteen months. How were my actions and expenditures possible with such limited income? The only answer I could give was, It’s all by the grace of God. I then offered an offhand shrug to further illustrate how little control I had over the outcome of anything my hands touched. There was no need to examine my situation any deeper. No need to attempt to explain such favor in any other terms. I knew I was being guided, protected and provided for. Yet even with that knowledge, I found cause for complaint. Even while benefiting from my God’s wonderful benevolence, I chose to be dissatisfied with my lot. The road ahead of me was unfamiliar, and I was made to travel without companions. That was not what I wanted. Not what I asked for. Certainly, my difficulties were not part of my plans.

For a few years surrounding my move to New York City, I focused primarily on my difficulties. Those years were debilitating to my spirit and my hope. Focusing on the negative crippled me. When I came out of that depressed state I endeavored to go a year without complaining – at least not to other people. My goal was to keep any whining between me and my God.

Even during that time, when I wasn’t feeling great about my life, people shouted my blessings to me. They replied to each of my complaints with a positive they saw exhibited in my life. After a while they simply asked, What the heck are you complaining for? I had to sit back and ask myself the same question.

That is why God has given us relationships. We are able to interact with many different people who reflect aspects of ourselves back to us. From this process, we can view our lives from different perspectives.

My friends make me look very good when they itemize the good things manifested in my life. It's intrinsically human to look at others and see things you wish you had. No matter how we attempt to satisfy ourselves, there will always be a desire for a little more of something else. Even as I sit and gush over my friends and their children, they’re trying to pry juicy single life tidbits from me. It's amazing how the grass always appears greener in your neighbor’s garden – the flowers more lush and vibrant. A year after my cross-country move, I stopped complaining about my dry patches. Instead, I began turning dirt and planted more seed for the positive things I want to bear fruit from. This is an unending process. Continuously, I churn, feed and water my trouble spots until they are as vibrant and lush as the rest of my garden.

Consider this: My God and Me: Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey is a selection of the best flowers from my garden. I have pruned them and set them in a beautiful vase to share their beauty and fragrance with you. They beautify our space as we sit down to talk. It’s storming outside but you are relaxed in the comfort of my home as we recline in overstuffed chairs before a roaring fire. Between us are a tea service and the vase of flowers – long-living, death resistant, Word – reinforced flowers. Each bloom represents a well-learned lesson or a lesson in progress. It is my hope you are able to take from my bouquet and plant buds of value into your life.

Meus ortus est vestri ortus.

Meditation Verse: 1 Corinthians 10:1-13

Moreover, brethren, I do not want you to be unaware that all our fathers were under the cloud, all passed through the sea, all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea, all ate the same spiritual food, and all drank the same spiritual drink. For they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them, and that Rock was Christ. But with most of them God was not well pleased, for their bodies were scattered in the wilderness.

Now these things became our examples, to the intent that we should not lust after evil things as they also lusted. And do not become idolaters as were some of them. As it is written, The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play. Nor let us commit sexual immorality, as some of them did, and in one day twenty-three thousand fell; nor let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed by serpents; nor complain, as some of them also complained, and were destroyed by the destroyer. Now all these things happened to them as examples, and they were written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the ages have come.

Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

Better Than You Should Be

Be better than people think you should be.

Some people feel cursed when family and friends have high expectations. Others are depressed when they can't seem to achieve their own expectations. I don't suffer from either case. I suffer from friends and family who think I am doing better than I should be.

The most shocking words my dad, Peewee, ever spoke to me were words of criticism about my non-ghetto personality. I was born in Gary, Indiana and lived there until age five. He and mother were both raised there and didn't leave until their early twenties. Since then, I have lived on my share of south sides, projects and dilapidated housing. I've also known my share of drug dealers and code words to travel safely through a neighborhood.

I never had a true father/daughter relationship with Peewee. Even when he was in the home, up until around my twelfth summer, he was not a fatherly-type person. As an adult, I have told him repeatedly that his lack of interest in fatherhood was apparent even when I was a child. I never had any illusions where he was concerned. From ages seven to eleven, I deflected friends' requests to play at my house by telling them my dad was prejudiced. The kids always asked what I meant by that. My matter-of-fact reply was, My dad doesn’t like kids.

Shortly after returning from a college semester abroad in Paris in 1999, I started working on a relationship with Peewee. While in France, I’d had an epiphany during a day trip to Chartres Cathedral. After walking around the cathedral, I went into a restaurant restroom and broke down in uncontrollable sobs and incomprehensible prayer. I prayed in different languages, English and French being among them. I don’t remember the words but I remember begging God to allow me another moment with my mother; I wanted to hug her one last time and tell her I love her.

My mother died in August 1996. From the day she died to the day I broke down in that bathroom stall, I remember very little of my life. Those three years are like a black expanse of nothingness. No memories from that period are attached to any timeline. Everything in my life was shaded, dull and grey. Dark, dank and not worth mentioning. Until the day I spent at Chartres Cathedral. That night I had a dream awash in light. Pure, bright, beautiful light. I was in a house that resembled the last house my mom, brother, sister and I had lived in together. Me, my brother, and sister were lounging in the living room when the front door opened to frame my mother. She was standing there smiling in white flowing raiment, glowing and backlit by a brighter light. So ethereal. Her arms were outstretched towards me. I rushed into her arms, hugged her tightly and told her repeatedly how much I loved her. My gut-wrenching sobs woke my roommate up, who then shook me awake.

Perhaps that was the first supernatural communication I willingly accepted from God. I asked, he replied. That visit changed my heart. Allowing me that moment with my mother gave me a better understanding of love, not complete, but better. My mother had professed her love of her husband Peewee pretty much till the day she died. I returned home to Milwaukee thinking an appropriate tribute to her memory would be to mend my relationship with him.

Peewee claimed he knew everything there was to know about me because I was just like him. I recoiled every time such words left his lips. Royally recoiled. See, even with my special power of focusing on the good in people, I am drained of energy trying to focus on the good in Peewee. But I held on for nearly six years, thinking he wasn't all that bad. He was just a sad, broken, middle-aged man who was finally ready to appreciate the love and accept the responsibility of his family. Besides, I told myself repeatedly, if my mom loved him, there must be some redeeming qualities in him. Eventually, I accepted that my mom's special powers were much greater than mine.

One of my last conversations with Peewee took place shortly after Christmas 2005, three months after I had relocated to New York City. The transition was tough on me. I had a lot of time alone to think about every relationship I had and how they have helped to shape who I am. My relationship with Peewee affected how I embraced and moved forward in my womanhood. He molested me for a number of years in my youth. I reported him. He apologized and did his prison time. He has always been repentant and I had no wish to live in unforgiveness, so I stepped towards forgiveness and attempted to heal myself and our relationship in tandem. However, not all good intentions are good ideas.

I was honest enough with my feelings and goals to tell him we may never have a true father/daughter relationship, but I thought we could have a working friendship. That Christmas I went on a date with a man who was rather aggressively trying to touch and grab me. Despite being told explicitly what type of physical touch and interaction I was comfortable with, he insisted on repeatedly grabbing me how and where he wanted to. Towards the end of the night he tried to drape his arm around my shoulders, I deftly sidestepped him. He released an outburst of anger at me, Don’t pull away from me, woman! I’m not a rapist!

That stunned me like nothing else ever from a relative stranger’s lips. The date was effectively over at that point. I couldn’t focus. I kept functioning, but I wasn’t present. My dating life started playing in my mind in slow motion. I wondered if this man said what many men before him wanted to say. I wondered if I had always been so obviously jumpy and standoffish when interacting with men. Most likely, since I don’t trust men until I’m comfortable trusting them.

Peewee happened to call me that night just as I got home. He was the first person I spoke to after a traumatic date, so I did what we all do in such situations – I talked about what was bothering me. After describing the night I realized the other end of the phone was silent. I thought about the last thing I said, Don’t pull away from me, woman! I’m not a rapist, my unguarded moment escalated. Oh, God, I’m talking to a rapist! You can’t understand what I’m feeling. I can’t talk to you about this. I have to go. That’s when I realized Peewee and I would never have a real friendship either. He was the root and source of the biggest roadblock I had for personal development, spiritual growth and a healthy relationship with a man – he violated my youth, my trust, my sexuality and our relationship. He destroyed my sense of self, trampled my innocence and muted my voice.

Despite years of trying to heal myself and build a healthy rapport with him, it all crumbled like dust when confronted with the reckless words from a random date. Despite my desire to heal and forgive, there was still hurt and uncertainty in me. I was upset with Peewee because he never wanted to talk about this issue that altered not only our lives, but our family and continued to affect the quality of all our relationships. I had asked him numerous times to talk with me through our issues – in person, on the phone, via email, but he wasn’t interested in talking. He always claimed to be waiting for the right moment. There are no right moments.

He called one more time after that night. He knew I was upset, but he wasn’t interested in discussing the underlining issues. Instead, he chose to alternate between needling, pushing and avoidance. On that last call, when his needle didn't get the desired results, he pushed harder. He’s not a reader of the Word and at the time I