Marriage From A to Z (Principles for a Successful Marriage)

By Carolyn Tatem

Marriage From A to Z provides basic principles to help enhance any marriage relationship. It is perfect for those who are married, engaged, or those who just want to know how to be godly husband or wife.  

• Language: English
• Publisher: Forever Publishing
• Release date: Aug 24, 2010
• ISBN: 9780996285131

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

As a teenager, I can remember daydreaming about my wedding day. I watched weddings on television and participated in so many weddings, wondering when my day would come and who the groom would be. Through the years, I would try to guess who I would end up marrying, and each time I was wrong. I didn’t end up meeting Mr. Right until I was about twenty-seven years old.

We met while volunteering to work with teens in the Youth Ministry at First Baptist Church of Glenarden. He fits the image that I had in mind: he is tall, dark, and handsome! We both volunteered our time and served in the Youth Ministry for about two years. After two years, William told me how he felt about me. He said that he had been admiring me for two years and that it was finally time to tell me how he felt. We courted, went to premarital counseling for six months, and were married in August 1998. In the beginning of our marriage, we asked God to use us to work with other couples. We started a fellowship for engaged and newlywed couples in our home and have been serving in Couple’s Ministry for over eleven years.

I am not writing this book because I have a perfect marriage. I am writing because over the eleven years that my husband and I have been married and serving other couples, we have learned so much. Yet, we are still learning. There are so many principles that we have embraced in our marriage that are working well; therefore, we share them with couples who come into our midst. However, we want to share the principles with all married couples. Perhaps something will be shared to bless your marriage or someone you know. Marriage is a wonderful institution, and it should reflect the beautiful relationship that Christ has with the church. I hope that the principles shared in this book will bless your marriage or help you prepare for marriage. Enjoy!

CHAPTER ONE

THE A PRINCIPLES

ACCEPTANCE

What you see is what you get! Oftentimes, we see exactly what and who we are getting. However, we get married and then immediately try to change our mate. When the change does not occur the way we would like, we instantly have a problem. We must accept each other for who we are, the way that we are. My husband was raised in the country, and I was raised in the city. There are some things that I just have to accept because of the way that he was raised, and there are some things about me that he just has to accept. It is okay to suggest changes, but the problem arises when your mate does not want to change and you develop an attitude. Certain things are clear before you marry but you still marry with the hopes that things will change.

I had to accept the fact that William was accustomed to life in the country. One of the things that was so different from the way that I was raised is that he is used to driving up in front of his family’s house, getting out of the car without locking the doors, and leaving his keys inside of the car. In addition to the keys, he would tell me its okay to leave my purse in the car. The way that I was brought up, you did not leave anything visible in the car. You take your keys with you, roll up the windows, lock all of the doors, and you definitely would not leave your purse within view. The smallest differences in the way that a person is raised have a lot to do with who that person is and how he or she thinks. It is so important for us to get to know our mates; then we can better understand why they are the way that they are and why they do some of the things that they do.

You must be willing to accept your mate just the way that he or she is. Prayer is the key to seeing changes in your mate. As much as we would like to be able to snap our fingers and have some things changed, we don’t have the power to change others. The only person we can change is ourselves. We must rely on God to make the changes in our mates. Therefore, accept your wife or husband just the way that she or he is.

ADMIT

Some of the most difficult words for people to say are, I was wrong, will you forgive me? Admitting that you are wrong is a big step! We all have experienced being wrong. No one is perfect; however, we must be willing to admit when we are wrong. We can’t be right all of the time. It takes humility to admit when you are wrong.

Be willing to say, I was wrong, when situations arise and you know that you were wrong. Instead of admitting this, some people go on as if nothing has ever happened. This can be frustrating and may cause a problem later on. When you admit that you are wrong, ask for forgiveness, and then move on when the road is clear.

ANGER

Be angry and do not sin! (Ephesians 4:26) There is no doubt about it, something is going to be said or done in your marriage that will make you angry. The key is getting angry and not sinning. I can remember one of the first major arguments that William and I had after we got married. The argument was about how we were going to spend our Sunday afternoon after church. I thought that Sunday should always be a family day and spent together. My husband didn’t completely agree.

One Sunday, after we went to church, we came home, and he wanted to go with the guys to a sporting event. I did not agree; I wanted us to be together, so I thought he should not go. However, it didn’t matter to him, so he went anyway. I was so upset that I cried and spent the afternoon trying to figure out what I could do to let him know how upset I really was. My hope was that this wouldn’t happen again. So when he came home, I really didn’t want to be there, but I had no place to go. I didn’t want everyone to know my business, and I was taught that when you have a disagreement, you do not go running back home to your family. Therefore, I hid in the basement. It took him a minute to find me, because normally, I would not be in the basement. After a few minutes of searching upstairs, he found me. We began to talk, and the next thing I knew, we kissed and made up.

I shared all of this to say that there are going to be times when you don’t get your way; you won’t like the way that something is said or done, so you get angry. However, it is what you do after the anger that causes a problem. I wanted to make him hurt like I was hurting. I didn’t want to talk for a while, and I wanted to separate myself, just because I didn’t get my way. Later, the Lord spoke to me and said, Carolyn, there are going to be many days when you get angry, but you can’t just shut down, stop talking, and go hide somewhere. You must learn to discuss the issue and move on in love.

I began to read the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, every day for thirty days so that I could get a better understanding of what love is and what my actions should be toward the man I love. Practicing God’s love in the midst of being angry is a challenge, but His grace is sufficient for you.

APPRECIATION

It is a good thing to give thanks! Every mate needs to hear the words thank you, I appreciate you, I appreciate this, or I appreciate that! So often we take each other for granted, as if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, so I don’t need to say, Thank you, honey, or express my appreciation. These words are so simple, but often go unspoken.

God uses gratitude to change our attitude. Gratitude that is verbally expressed is like fuel to an engine. When my husband expresses his appreciation, it makes me want to serve him more. Just simply saying thank you for having dinner ready this evening makes me want to have dinner ready the next evening. Ungratefulness can zap one’s energy to serve.

There may be times when you have to serve even if you don’t hear Thank you or I appreciate you. When these times arise, just know that God is a God who sees and knows everything that we do. We must do everything as if we are working directly for the Lord. The Lord will show His appreciation by rewarding you. The Bible says that we must do the will of God from the heart, knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord (Ephesians 6:6–8).

I have heard husbands say, She doesn’t do anything for me to appreciate or vice versa. However, search harder and God will show you something for which you can express your appreciation. It could be as simple as Thank you for coming home today; your presence means so much. Start with the little things, and before you know it, there will be bigger things.

ATTENTION

If someone were to ask you specific details about your mate based on yesterday, could you answer? What did your mate have on yesterday? Did you notice anything about his or her eyes? Was there anything different about their hair, hands, and so on? These questions may be hard to answer. Due to the busyness of the days, we often come and go from each other’s presence without really paying attention to each other. Have you ever experienced being in the same house all day, but you are in different areas of the house? You are doing your thing and your husband is doing his thing. Days can go by and you haven’t really given any attention to each other. The problem arises when these days turn into weeks and then the weeks into months. Before you know it, years have gone by and so much time has elapsed. Where did your attention go? If we are not careful, our attention goes into doing something else or someone else.

It is so important to give attention to your mate daily. Acknowledge each other when you leave and enter the home. Take time to greet each other. Find out what kind of day your mate is having; ask, How are you feeling? and What are your priorities for the day? Notice a new outfit, hairstyle, or any other changes that have been made. Give attention to your marriage by noticing your mate, spending quality time together, and communicating throughout the day. Always remember, if we don’t want to give attention, somebody else will. Make time to study each other daily so that you can be in tune with your mate. Paying attention to your mate and your marriage can save you from having to pay later.

ATTITUDE

When I was coming up, I often heard the popular saying, Your attitude determines your altitude. I have found this statement to be true and relevant to marriage. Your attitude about your marriage often determines how high your marriage will go and how long it will last. Many times people get married with the wrong attitude. They say, If it doesn’t work, I’ll just get a divorce. Guess what? If this is your attitude, it probably will not work out. Anyone who starts a marriage with this type of attitude is bound for divorce. What you think triggers what you speak and how you act. Just saying, If it doesn’t work out, I’ll get a divorce puts you on dangerous ground. The Bible says that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So speak life in your marriage; don’t let your attitude kill your marriage.

A marriage is a covenant relationship that was not meant to be broken. The covenant can only be broken through death. So when you tell your brain that if things don’t go a certain way, you will divorce, as soon as a problem comes that takes you to the limit, divorce comes to mind. A marriage relationship that will last for any length of time will consist of ups and downs, highs and lows, sickness and health, seasons of plenty and seasons of lack. However, you must have an attitude of being married till death do you part. Take all exit signs out of your marriage. You may need to stop, yield, and then go, but don’t exit. You can make it! Take a moment