The Razzamatazz Fun Ebook

By Terry Ravenscroft

THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK
The Razzamatazz Fun eBook is a compendium of a some of the sketches from Terry Ravenscroft's award-winning radio series 'Star Terk Two', along with stories, parodies, humorous newspaper and magazine advertisements, quizzes, games, cod new book announcements, job applications, travel brochures, restaurant menus, cookbooks, theme park ads, wedding lists, and what have you. Plus The Razzamatazz Not Entirely PC Encyclopaedia.
Within the many pages of The Razzamatazz Fun eBook you'll discover what it's like to travel with UneasyJet; take part in the quiz 'Are You Capable of Bestiality?; read about the latest blockbusters from Northern Books (they're grand!); enjoy a game of Lad's Night Out; and peruse the menu of top Indian restaurant A Passage to India (and bottom restaurant A Back Passage to India).
There is something for everyone and next to nothing for no one in The Razzamatazz Fun Ebook.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Terryrazz
• Release date: Jan 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201789879

Terry Ravenscroft

The day after Terry Ravenscroft threw in his mundane factory job to become a television comedy scriptwriter he was involved in a car accident which left him unable to turn his head. Since then he has never looked back. Before they took him away he wrote scripts for Les Dawson, The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise, Alas Smith and Jones, Not the Nine O'Clock News, Ken Dodd, Roy Hudd, and several others. He also wrote the award-winning BBC radio series Star Terk Two. He now writes humorous books, 20 thus far with no signs of letting up. Three of them, Stairlift to Heaven, Dear Coca-Cola and Dear Air 2000 were in the top ten of the Kindle Best Sellers list at the same time. His latest novel is Serial Killer, his latest non-fiction book is the autobiographical Stairlift to Heaven 4 - Still Hanging On. Born in New Mills, Derbyshire, England in 1938, he still lives there with his girlfriend, Divine Bottom (in his dreams).

Book preview

The Razzamatazz Fun Ebook

Copyright © 2011 Terry Ravenscroft

A RAZZAMATAZZ PUBLICATION

About the author

The day after Terry Ravenscroft threw in his mundane factory job to become a television comedy scriptwriter he was involved in a car accident which left him unable to turn his head. Since then he has never looked back.

Before they took him away he wrote scripts for Les Dawson, The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise, Alas Smith and Jones, Not the Nine O’Clock News, Ken Dodd, Roy Hudd, and several others. He also wrote the award-winning BBC radio series Star Terk Two.

Born in New Mills, Derbyshire, in 1938, he still lives there with his wife Delma and his mistress Divine Bottom (in his dreams).

––––––––

Also by Terry Ravenscroft

STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN

STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN 2 - FURTHER UP THE STAIRLIFT

STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN 3 - ALMOST THERE

STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN 4 - STILL HANGING ON

CAPTAIN’S DAY

FOOTBALL CRAZY

IT’S NOT CRICKET

JAMES BLOND - STOCKPORT IS TOO MUCH

I’M IN HEAVEN

INFLATABLE HUGH

THE RING OF THE LORD

SERIAL KILLER

KIDNAPPED

DEAR AIR 2000

DEAR COCA-COLA

DEAR PEPSI-COLA

LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA

ZEPHYR ZODIAC

SAWYER THE LAWYER

CALL ME A TAXI

GOOD OLD GEORGE

DEAD MEN DON’T WALK

****

THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK

CONTENTS

TV AND RADIO SKETCHES - TELEVISION SHOWS - QUIZZES, EXAMS, GAMES - FOOTBALL - AUTOBIOGRAPHIC - THE ROYAL FAMILY - TRAVEL - FOOD AND DRINK - THE PRESS -ENTERTAINMENT - NEWSPAPER ADVERTS - STORIES - ODDS & ENDS - THE RAZZAMATAZZ NOT ENTIRELY PC ENCYCOPEDIA

TV AND RADIO SKETCHES

THE BROTH OF KHAN

VOICE OVER:

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise; it’s five-year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations, to wear short sweatshirts that go baggy at the waist, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

GRAMS: STAR TREK THEME.

KIRK:

Captain’s log. Star date 2843612, and a bit. We will shortly be landing on the planet Pundit, a planet about which we know nothing. However my ever dependable First Officer Mr Spock has put his uncannily logical mind to work and come up with the theory that as the word ‘pundit’ comes from the sub-continent of India it will be populated by Indians. However he’s not too sure about cowboys.

Last week, despite our every precaution, the Enterprise’s mission was once again interrupted by a radio show. Subsequently I informed Federation HQ and they have taken appropriate action. We are now....

SOUND EFFECTS: THE ENTERPRISE COLLIDING WITH A RADIO SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT: LOTS OF WEIRD SOUND EFFECTS: SHOUTS AND SCREAMS FROM THE CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE.

KIRK:

Mr Sulu, what is the cause of this?

SULU:

I don’t know, Captain. We seem to have collided with a radio sound effects department.

KIRK:

Impossible, we are millions of miles from Earth and.....

UHURA:

Look Captain! Floating in through the Enterprise’s ventilation system.

SULU:

It is some sort of strange-looking liquid.

UHURA:

What shall we do Captain? The bridge is already a foot deep in the strange liquid.

KIRK:

Bones, an analysis of the strange liquid?

BONES:

Organic, water-based - the water being H2O if I’m not very much mistaken - and containing particles of meat and vegetable matter, also grains of barley.

SPOCK:

Water, meat, vegetables, barley - do you realise what this means, Jim?

KIRK:

You don’t mean....?

SPOCK:

Yes....The Broth of Khan!

ALL:

GASPS OF AMAZEMENT.

UHURA:

And look, Captain, there’s another sort of liquid seeping through the roof. This one is a clear meat soup.

KIRK:

Mr Spock, a resumé.

SPOCK:

No Jim, it’s a consommé.

KIRK:

Spock?

SPOCK:

Jim?

KIRK

Don’t be such a prat.

SULU:

The Broth of Khan is now two feet deep and still rising, Captain Kirk!

KIRK:

Thank you, Mr Sulu. Mr Spock, what would you say are our chances of survival?

SPOCK:

Well that depends, Jim. You will have noticed that the broth, in addition to the other ingredients, also contains little pasta letters of the alphabet which have formed themselves into meaningless words  - words which I have put into this food mincer and am now about to switch on.

KIRK:

Don’t mince words, Spock.

SPOCK:

I must Jim, but I don’t know why - it is as though some strange force is compelling me to.

UHURA:

Look Captain, coming in with the broth now - loaves of bread!

KIRK:

Bones I want a detailed chemical breakdown of one of the loaves immediately.

BONES:

I have already taken the liberty of analyzing one, Jim. And although it contains what we have come to accept as being the elements of a loaf - it is not a loaf as we know it.

KIRK:

Lieutenant Uhura, inform Federation HQ of our plight immediately.

UHURA:

I’ve tried already Captain but on all the command frequencies keep getting blocked by what seems to be a conserve of sugar and fruit that has been boiled up together.

KIRK:

A conserve of sugar and fruit that has been boiled up together? You don’t mean....?

UHURA:

Yes - someone’s jamming my frequencies.

KIRK:

In that case you’d better....

SPOCK:

Jamming your frequencies? Of course, so that’s it! I’ve just realised what’s happening., Jim. And the true nature of the planet Pundit.

KIRK:

Then brief me without delay, Spock.

SPOCK:

At once. Briefing you now, Jim.

KIRK:

Spock, why are you putting those ladies briefs on me?

SPOCK:

I can’t help myself, Jim. It’s another pun you see.

KIRK:

Another pun?

SPOCK:

That’s right. You see I was wrong about the meaning of the word Pundit. For it has now become clear to me it is the ‘pun’ that is the operative part. And because we have entered the atmosphere of the planet Pundit it has caused us all to make the most frightful puns.

KIRK:

But....but if this is true Spock it could jeopardise our entire dialogue.

UHURA:

Captain! Two of the inhabitants of the planet Pundit are trying to board the Enterprise! They’re covered in hardy climbing leguminous green plants whose seeds grow in pods and are used as food.

KIRK:

Covered in hardy climbing leguminous green plants? You don’t mean....?

UHURA:

Yes - they come in peas.

KIRK:

They come in peas? That must be the worst pun that I’ve ever heard in my life.

SPOCK:

The puns won’t get any worse unless I’m badly mistaken, Jim.

SULU:

Captain, I have to report that the right side of the rear of the Enterprise is completely covered in condoms.

KIRK:

You don’t mean....?

SULU:

Yes - there’s Klingons on the starboard bow.

SPOCK

I was badly mistaken. So I....

KIRK:

Fortunately it matters not Spock, for we are all but five minutes into our mission.

SPOCK:

Jim?

KIRK:

You see Spock, as we keep getting interrupted by a radio show five minutes into our mission Federation HQ have decreed that in future all our missions will be of five minutes duration only, thus defeating.....

SPOCK:

Yes? Go on, Jim.

KIRK:

That’s it. We’re finished. Our five minutes are up, our mission is over.

SPOCK:

But our mission isn’t over, is it. I mean we haven’t been interrupted by as radio show; we’re still here, aren’t we.

KIRK:

Yes....yes, you’re right, Spock. But we will be I’m sure.

LONG PAUSE.

KIRK:

I find it very embarrassing just waiting here like this, Spock.

SULU:

Perhaps if you were to take those ladies briefs off, Captain?

KIRK:

Any suggestions, Mr Spock?

SPOCK:

Well you sort of bend slightly at the knee and sort of wriggle out of them.

KIRK:

I meant suggestions as to how we can get ourselves out of this spot.

SPOCK:

Well we could simply switch the radio on.

KIRK:

Brilliant, Mr Spock, quite brilliant. Here goes then.

****

HOTEL

SOUND EFFECTS:  RADIO SWITCHED ON. HOTEL ATMOSPHERE.

BLOMFELD:

.....therefore I would like him to leave the hotel, Mrs Greenbaum.

MRS GREENBAUM:

I really don’t understand, Mr Blomfeld. You want Lincoln and I to leave the hotel?

BLOMFELD:

Not you, Mr Greenbaum, just your husband.

MRS GREENBAUM:

But why?

BLOMFELD:

Because he is dead, Mrs Greenbaum.

MRS GREENBAUM:

No. Lincoln isn’t dead, Mr Blomfeld.

BLOMFELD:

Then why is he in a coffin?

MRS GREENBAUM:

He is resting in peace.

BLOMFELD:

Mrs Greenbaum, I would hardly call being dragged down four flights of stairs and into the dining room three times a day resting in peace.

MRS GREENBAUM:

I’m really glad you brought up the subject of the dining room, Mr Blomfeld; because I was wondering if I am liable for a small refund on account that Lincoln isn’t eating any food.

BLOMFELD:

Nobody is eating any food since you started dragging your dead husband in there.

MRS GREENBAUM:

I really wish you wouldn’t keep saying Lincoln is dead. He is resting in peace.

MR BLOMFELD:

He is resting in pieces, Mrs Greenbaum.

MRS GREENBAUM:

You know, there’s the most peculiar smell in your dining room. Maybe that’s the reason people aren’t eating? Maybe if you were to find out where the smell is coming from?

BLOMFELD:

The smell is coming from your dead husband’s coffin, Mr Greenbaum.

MRS GREENBAUM:

No, I just can’t believe that. That cannot be, because Mr Otis Bright of the Paradise Funeral Parlour did a real fine job on Lincoln; a real fine job. I mean he smelled just beautiful, sort of lavendary.

BLOMFELD:

When he died in 2002 maybe, but....So I will have to insist that you remove him immediately.

MRS GREENBAUM:

Well now Mr Blomfeld, I really don’t see how I’m going to be able to do that. You see nowhere in your hotel rules do I see that you can’t bring your dead husband along with you.

BLOMFELD:

Well will you at least keep him out of the swimming pool?

MRS GREENBAUM:

But Lincoln likes his daily float, Mr Blomfeld. Oh that reminds me - I wish you would have a word with that Mrs van Dearden and about her two small boys. They keep using Lincoln’s coffin to dive off of. And, well, it just isn’t very dignified.

BLOMFELD:

It is hardly dignified him being in the swimming pool in the first place! Now if you will just do as I say?

MRS GREENBAUM:

Oh very well.

BLOMFELD:

And that goes for his parents too.

****

THE FAMILY OF MANN

SOUND EFFECTS: STREET ATMOSPHERE.

AUDIENCE RESEARCHER:

Excuse me sir, I wonder if you’d mind answering a few questions?

MAN IN STREET:

Oh go on then, if you must.

AUDIENCE RESEARCHER:

Excellent. On Wednesday there was the start of a new situation comedy series, The Family of Mann - did you by any chance see it?

MAN IN STREET:

The Family of Mann?

AUDIENCE RESEARCHER:

That’s spelt M..A..N..N. It’s a play on words you see, the family of man - The Family of Mann.

It’s about the forty-five-year-old sensible wife, her husband who on the face of it hasn’t got the brains to tie his own shoelaces but who nevertheless keeps coming out with witty lines, and their scatty teenage daughter who keeps coming in through the door and grinning like a loony.

MAN IN STREET:

Yes. Yes I think I did see it. Wasn’t it the one where the wife came home unexpectedly, saw her husband hiding a pair of lace panties which he’d secretly bought for her birthday present and mistakenly thought he was having an affair?

AUDIENCE RESEARCHER:

No. That wasn’t The Family of Mann, that was Family Matters, all about the Matters family, with the forty-five-year-old sensible wife, her husband who on the face of it hasn’t got the brains to tie his own shoelaces but who nevertheless keeps coming out with witty lines, and their two scatty teenage daughters who keep coming in through the door and grinning like loonies. No, The Family of Mann was about the husband seeing his wife knitting a pair of babies bootees for a friend, mistakenly thinking that she was going to have a baby and.....

MAN IN STREET:

....rushes out and buys her a big bouquet of roses - yes, I saw that.

AUDIENCE RESEARCHER:

No, no that wasn’t The Family of Mann, that was Fool of the Family, all about the Family family, with the forty-five-year-old sensible wife, her husband who on the face of it hasn’t got the brains to tie his own shoelaces but who nevertheless keeps coming out with witty lines, their two scatty teenage daughters who keep coming through doors and grinning like loonies, their St Bernard’s Dog which occasionally pees on the carpet to get a cheap laugh, and the wife’s brother who is so thick that if he fell into a barrel of tits he’d climb out sucking his thumb. No, The Family of Mann was about the husband who mistakenly thought his wife was going to have a baby, goes out to celebrate, comes home after having a few drinks too many, mistakenly goes into the house next door and gets into bed with his neighbour’s wife, with hilarious results.

MAN IN STREET:

Yes, yes, now I remember.

AUDIENCE RESEARCHER:

So you saw it then?

MAN IN STREET:

Yes.

AUDIENCE RESEARCHER:

Load of crap wasn’t it.

****

BILLY-BEN JIM-BOB

BILLY-BEN:

Is this the boy, Jim-Bob? Is this the boy who raped your daughter, is this the one who wronged your little daughter Mary-Beth?

JIM-BOB:

That’s him, Billy-Ben. He’s the one. Joe-John. He’s the one who raped my Mary-Beth.

BILLY-BEN:

Did you say Joe-John, That ain’t Joe-John, Billy-Ben.

JIM-BOB:

That ain’t Joe-John, Jim-Bob?

BILLY-BEN:

No, that’s Bob-Ben, Jim-Bob.

JIM-BOB:

Well In that case it’s Bob-Ben who raped my little girl, my little Mary-Beth.

BILLY-BEN:

Well I think in the interests of good old southern justice we should let Mary-Beth herself say who raped her, Jim-Bob. Well then Mary-Beth, which one of these two boys was it?

JIM-BOB:

That ain’t Mary-Beth, Billy-Ben.

BILLY-BEN:

It ain’t Mary-Beth, Jim Bob?

JIM-BOB:

Nope. This gal here is my daughter Mary-Beth. That one is my daughter Bobby-Jo Mary-Lou Cindy-Sue

BILLY-BEN: