It Was You All Along

By Ada Stone

Jack is a skilled CNA who works as a private home caregiver. He loves his job, but when his current client moves away, he has trouble finding more work suited to his skills. People just don’t seem to view men as the nurturing caregivers they can be. And as a trans man, Jack faces even harsher prejudices in his field of work then the average cis male.

All these factors lead Jack to make the heartbreaking decision to stop his hormone therapy and begin going by his birthname — Hannah. He feels that detransitioning and presenting as female is the only way to continue his career path. And society seems to agree, as he quickly finds a great job with a new client in Portland and moves there.

His new client is a quirky woman who Jack connects with immediately, and all seems to be falling into place… until his client’s daughter Elyssa comes into the picture, that is.

Elyssa is immediately suspicious of this new “Hannah” person and swears she knows her from somewhere, but she can’t quite place it… Hannah almost looks like this guy she used to date, but that can’t be it… can it?

Will Jack have the courage to be honest with Elyssa about his true identity? Will Elyssa be able to forgive the deceit?

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Bryant Street Shorts
• Release date: Dec 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9781094427591

Ada Stone

Ada Stone is a queer and trans book-obsessed human from the Pacific Northwest, where they live now. They love spending quiet time among trees and mountains, listening to their favorite albums on repeat, and receiving “your holds are ready for pickup” alerts from the library.

Book preview

Chapter One

Jack groaned and rolled over so his face pressed into the pillow. Though his alarm was whining at him to get up, his body argued that it was too early. He might have fallen back asleep right then and there, but he suddenly remembered his dream. It was one he’d been having for almost a decade, ever since he’d started his master’s program to become a high school science teacher. In it, he always stood in front of the class, opened his mouth to begin a lecture, then looked at the presentation slides and saw they were dedicated to 17th century English literature (or some such topic he knew nothing about). Of course, he would next look down to see he was standing in only his underwear. For some unfortunate reason, the dream had continued to plague Jack even after he quit his job as a teacher.

Jack managed to push himself up into a sitting position. Maybe the nearing shift from winter to spring was making the days longer, but it didn’t yet mean the sun was ready to greet him this early. In the dark, Jack grabbed his clothes from the chair where he’d set them out the night before. After lathering a piece of toast with almond butter and eating it in a few quick bites, he reluctantly turned on the bright lights of the bathroom to brush his teeth and check his hair.

With the toothbrush hanging out the side of his mouth, Jack fixed the side part of his jet black hair so it went straight backward along his head instead of slanting off sideways. After brushing his teeth, he admired how his eyebrows had become noticeably thicker across his brown forehead in the three years since he started taking testosterone. His jawline had also sharpened a great deal. Despite these changes to his face, he only sported a few dark chin hairs and some peach fuzz on his upper lip. Using the electric razor he had overzealously bought during his first few months on hormones, he cleaned up the hairs and rinsed his face.

There were many things Jack appreciated about working as Mary’s caregiver, one of them being her apartment was only a ten-minute walk from his. Even so, he made sure to bundle up against the cold late-winter morning. This time of year in Boise, the weather could be quite chaotic, so he was glad to have no ice or snow or fierce wind to deal with. Before his hands could get too cold in his pockets, he was letting himself in through the front door of Mary’s building. She lived on the first floor at the end of the hallway.

As usual, bright light was already streaming out from the only bedroom. Good morning! Mary called out in her cheery 6:30 am voice. Jack had been working for her for almost two years now, long enough to know she wasn’t just putting on a show for him; she genuinely loved mornings and was eager to start each day.

Mornin’, Jack replied from the kitchen as he stored his lunch in the fridge. When he stepped into the bedroom, he saw Mary sitting up in her adjustable bed with her laptop on her lap. Her strawberry blonde hair was tangled and her small round glasses were perched on the edge of her pink nose.

It’s going to be a chaotic day, I can already tell, Mary told Jack.

Mmm. Think you can handle it? he asked jokingly.

As a consultant in the finance industry, Mary monitored the stock market closely and kept a habit of telling Jack all about it, even though, after all his time around her, he only had the smallest sense of the world she was describing.

It’s not my skin in the game, Mary said with a laugh. That’s why I’m independent; I’ll never have investors coming after me directly when things go to shit! Well, that and the fact that I can work from right here in my bed when I need to. Merrill Lynch never would’ve accepted this setup, no matter how well my portfolios were doing.

It was a version of the same conversation Mary and Jack often had: her describing the benefits of being self-employed and working from home — maybe because she was trying to justify the situation to herself. Before her physical condition declined, Mary had been on a fast track up the corporate ladder and, though she never said so, Jack sensed that she missed the competitive and spirited environment. Here, it was only him she had to converse with in person.

Ready to get up? Jack asked.

Let’s do it, Mary said, setting aside her laptop. Jack positioned Mary’s wheelchair next to the bed as she used the handle hanging above her head to wiggle over toward the edge. She shifted into the seat and Jack guided her legs down gently. They made their first stop in the bathroom before parking in front of the dining table. Mary began preparing for her first meeting as Jack cracked two eggs into a hot pan.

I’m going to miss this, Mary said, suddenly breaking the silence.

Mary! Jack exclaimed, turning down the heat and placing a lid over the pan.

I know, I know — I’m supposed to pretend like nothing’s changing. But that’s your denial, not mine! I want to be sad out loud, not just inside my own head.

Any time you bring it up, Jack began, I have the urge to get down on my knees and beg you not to move away. So, really, I’m just trying to protect you from that behavior.

You’re not doing that now, Mary pointed out.

I’m worried that your eggs are going to burn if I take my eyes off them, Jack replied. But I do deserve a gold star for my self control, you’re right.

Did you buy the sourdough bread I asked about? Mary asked next.

Jack opened the cabinet and tossed two slices in the toaster. Coming right up.

But aren’t you at least a little bit happy for me? Mary pressed, returning the conversation to her moving plans.

Jack turned and looked her directly in the eyes. Mary was no longer paying any attention to her computer. Of course I am! he said. I know how difficult it’s been for you and Natalie to fly back and forth to see each other. But why couldn’t she just move here with you?

Natalie in Boise? Ha! She wouldn’t last more than a week during our winters. She’s never lived north of… I don’t know. San Francisco, I think, Mary said, contemplating all the places her partner had called home in her few decades of life. "Yeah, she spent a summer interning in SF and decided it was too cold and foggy for her."

Psh, you’re right, Jack admitted. She’d lose it if she were here. He plated the eggs and toast and set them in front of Mary with a fork, knife, butter, and hot sauce.

Haven’t you realized that she always comes to visit me in the warmer months and I go to see her in Phoenix in the winter? Mary asked, slicing the first yolk open.

Well, yeah, but that’s only common sense, Jack said with a shrug. You deserve your getaways to the sun, even if I do get a little bit jealous.

At least you still get paid when I’m gone! Mary quipped with a laugh.

Hey, I’ve never complained about having some good ol’ PTO.

How’s the job search going? Mary asked, shifting the subject away from herself as she continued eating.

Uhhh, not great, Jack admitted.

Aw, you’re too sad about me leaving to start applying?

It’s not that, Jack said, giving her a playful look.

Burn! Mary laughed.

I’ve sent my resume to a few people, but I haven’t heard back from any of them. It’s been a few weeks, so maybe they’ll still call, but… most of them said they were urgently looking to hire, Jack explained. I don’t know why they would be taking so long, in that case.

That’s odd, Mary said. You have plenty of experience, too. And a great letter of recommendation, if I do say so myself!

I know, Jack agreed. Back when I was first looking for work — before you hired me — I didn’t have any problems at all. I had maybe six or seven offers to choose from, right off the bat. I got to take my pick!

And you chose me! I’m flattered, Mary said, placing one hand above her heart as she used a napkin to wipe her mouth with the other.

You were offering the best wage, Jack answered.

You’re saying it wasn’t my winning personality that convinced you?

No comment.

Well, then. You should be glad I can’t chase you down and punish you for saying that. But, as it is, I need you to bring me my red polka-dot shirt to change into. I’ve gotta be on this video call in five minutes, Mary directed.

Jack found the specified shirt hanging in Mary’s closet, which he had carefully arranged by color a few weeks prior. He brought it back out to her and helped her switch out her pajama shirt for her professional garment of choice. While he was kneeling in front of her, he wiped her face to remove the few spots of yolk and butter she had missed with. Her low coordination and dexterity made eating a messy event. For this reason, Mary never changed into her work outfit until she was done with breakfast.

All ready to go, Jack said, stacking Mary’s plate with the used napkins, utensils, hot sauce bottle, and butter tray. He returned with a glass of tap water and left the dishes in the sink to soak. He would have washed them right then, but the background noise wouldn’t do with Mary on an important call. Instead, he headed into the bedroom, tossed Mary’s pajama shirt in the hamper, and started stripping the bedsheets for their weekly wash.

While Jack collected the rest of the laundry from the apartment, he thought of the news story he had seen on his laptop the night before. A man working as a Certified Nursing Assistant in a suburb of Boise had been arrested on three counts of abuse. Because he couldn’t take knowing the details, Jack hadn’t clicked on the link. Instead, he’d stared into the man’s face and wondered how someone could bring themself to take such advantage of others.

As he’d tried to fall asleep, he’d thought that this story was sure to make his search for a job even more difficult. Jack felt too weird about the whole thing to bring it up to Mary, but there was little doubt in his mind that his job prospects in the caregiving world had decreased right along with his physical transition to appear like everyone’s typical idea of a man. Though being recognized as male came with many privileges in his life, such as being assumed