Alchemy of Grief: Your Journey to Wholeness

By Nancy Loeffler and Sheila A Foster

 

When a catastrophic event happens, your life changes in an instant. It may take some time for you to arrive in your new reality. Your life can take on a surreal quality. You may be in shock; you may feel like you are living in a haze, everything around you seems distorted. You may be unable to concentrate on anything; everything m

• Language: English
• Publisher: Brand & Book
• Release date: Oct 15, 2016
• ISBN: 9780997833010

Nancy Loeffler

Nancy Loeffler is the founder of Being With Grief. As a mother who lost her 17-year old daughter Leah in a car accident in November of 2000, she fully understands the territory of grief. Her daughter's death provided a doorway to her transformation that she never expected. It broke open her heart and showed her a way to break free from limiting beliefs about what was possible in her life. She walks with her clients on their own grief journeys so they too can find meaning, purpose and even joy again after a devastating loss. She speaks often about her journey and is passionate about changing the conversation around grief. She embodies her message and is often found sitting in Samyama, walking in nature, collaging or taking a dance break. Learn more about Nancy at her website www.beingwithgrief.com.

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Prologue

It was a Friday morning in early November. I arrived at work early that day hoping to leave a little early. Leah, my daughter, was preparing to take the SAT the next morning, and I wanted to help her settle in that night so she would be well rested in the morning. I sat down at my desk and smiled. The night before, we had sat in the living room together. She had been anxious about the upcoming test, and excited to be going with a friend to homecoming afterward. She’d had her hair done in a new way, and had asked me how I liked it. She’d looked as beautiful as always, sitting across from me. We had talked about how nervous she was to take the test, and how excited she was to be finishing high school and applying to colleges. After we had talked a little more, she’d hugged me and went to her room.

My phone rang, interrupting my musings. It was Leah.

Hi, mom. She sounded tired. I’m running late. Can you call school and let them know?

I hid my exasperation. Of course I will. Are you ok?

Yeah, I just woke up late.

Ok, I’ll call. Be careful.

Thanks.

Bye, I love you.

Love you, too.

I called school to let them know she was running late. My exasperation returned. Not getting to school on time was a common theme. I was working with her to help her be more organized and relaxed, so she could get enough sleep and get to school on time. She wavered between self-sufficiency and reliance on our help. I wanted to help her trust her own skills as she prepared for college.

I turned my attention back to my work, looking at my lists of tasks for that day. Some time later I was interrupted by a knock on my office door. I shared my office with a co-worker, and the door is never closed, so I found this to be strange. Most people just came in and started talking to me. As I turned, I saw two campus police officers.

Are you Nancy Loeffler?

Yes, I said, as fear began to creep up my spine.

Do you have a daughter named Leah?

Yes…

Please come with us, ma’am.

Why? What’s happened? I just spoke with her.

Please come with us, ma’am.

They took me by the elbow and led me out of the trailer, down the street, and into a waiting squad car.

What happened? Where are you taking me? I felt panic rising.

There’s been an accident. That’s all we can tell you. We’ll take you to the Frederick County Line, and the Frederick Police will take you to the hospital from there.

I called Dan and told him, as best I could, what happened. He said he would meet me at the county line.

My thoughts were all over the place. What were you up to? Can’t I trust you to go to school without getting into trouble? Who were you with? Why aren’t they telling me anything? What about my car? How will it get home? I can’t believe they expect me to just go with them without telling me any more than they did!

As these thoughts came, I was furious. I didn’t want to face whatever had happened. I didn’t want people to think I was a bad mother who couldn’t even figure out a way to help her daughter make her way in the world.

You’re taking me away from my job, again… how am I going to keep this job if I always have to tend to your antics?"

Fear coursed through my body. What am I going to find out about you that I don’t want to know?

We were driving on the expressway toward Frederick, Maryland, where we lived at the time. We pulled off on the shoulder, where another police car was waiting for us. Dan’s car was there, too. Two officers got out of the police car. One got into Dan’s car and the other came to escort me from the car I was in, to his car.

What is happening? I asked.

The Frederick County police officers will take you from here. Your husband can follow you there.

I got into the next police car.

What is happening? Where are we going? I wanted to scream, but the words barely make it out of my mouth. I wondered why I couldn’t drive with Dan.

There’s been an accident. We are going to the hospital.

What happened?

That’s all I can tell you, ma’am.

My thoughts were randomly screaming and careening around in my head. I couldn’t believe that no one would tell me what happened; didn’t I have a right to know? But I didn’t want to know. I wanted to go back to the way things were last night.

I hear him whisper into his radio, I have a female Caucasian, mid 40s. A pause. Negative.

NEGATIVE WHAT, my head shrieked.

We sat in silence for the duration of the ride. I asked a couple more questions, but I got no answers. The ride took forever, even though I knew he was going faster than the speed limit. What was Dan thinking, in the car behind us? We hadn’t had a chance to talk. I wondered if they had told him any more than they had told me.

I didn’t know it at the time—I certainly didn’t know it on that day— but the loss of somebody that you love, and living with that loss, is exactly like crossing the border to a new, unfamiliar country. The language is nebulous and the ground unrecognizable. My grief journey was an invitation to live in a new country, one to which I had never wanted to move. The land I left behind is different than the land that I was forced to enter. On that day, as I was transported to the hospital, I crossed from one county to another. I didn’t know I was living a metaphor; it was just a day unfolding like any other. You may be in the midst of crossing that border right now. If you are, I hope this book will be useful to you as you become acquainted with your new landscape.

One of the best ways to use this book is to buy a journal, and to let it keep you company as you read. At the end of each chapter there will be a list of things to try and questions for you to answer. Your journal is a place where you can record your thoughts and track your progress. It can be your companion on your own unique journey.

—Nancy Loeffler, June 13, 2016

Sometimes I am still back on Nov. 2nd sitting in our living room,

talking to Leah, the day before the accident...

I want that day back.

I want to hold her in my arms and not let her out of my sight.

I want to keep her here for all of us.

—From My Journal, 8/18/2001

Chapter 1

You’re Never Prepared

A New Reality

When a catastrophic event happens, your life changes in an instant. It may take some time for you to arrive to your new reality. Your life can take on a surreal quality. You may be in shock; you may feel like you are living in a haze, where everything around you seems distorted. You may be unable to concentrate on anything; everything may be hyper clear, or moving in slow motion. Your thoughts may explode in a million directions. There is a fracture in your life. You don’t know how you are going to fix the fracture. You want to fix it, and you remember, yet again, that nothing will ever be the same. It is the space between the way things were yesterday and the land you are forced to move to, without wanting to move there. The suddenness of this fracture may mean that it will take some time for you to catch up with all the changes, both energetically and