A Journey of Love: A Guide for the Grieving

By Sharon I. Eve Ph.D.

A Journey of Love: A Guide for the Grieving is written to assist the reader as they go through their own individual grieving process of a variety of personal losses. The book includes information about the grieving process and serves as a guide for each person’s individual experience through questions in each chapter. Grieving, though deva

• Language: English
• Publisher: ReadersMagnet LLC
• Release date: Aug 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781949981797

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This book is dedicated to my son,

Ayal,

who, in dying on the day of his birth,

changed my life forever

and to my mother,

Arlene,

who taught me that

love is stronger than death

Contents

Introduction

Acknowledgements

In Memoriam

Chapter One: A Journey of Love

Chapter Two: The Grieving Process

Chapter Three: Lessons You Learned About Grieving

Chapter Four: A Time to Grieve

Chapter Five: Telling Your Story

Chapter Six: The Heart of Grief

Chapter Seven: Expressions of Grieving

Chapter Eight: The Bereaved Person in the World

Chapter Nine: The Memories

Chapter Ten: A Time to Remember

Chapter Eleven: The Questions

Chapter Twelve: The Gifts

Chapter Thirteen: An Exercise in Love

Chapter Fourteen: The Stories

Chapter Fifteen: Conclusion

Introduction

Nearly six years ago, I found myself grieving a death

I never expected would happen, at least not in my lifetime. Inside my belly, I felt a giant mass of leaden emptiness. The baby I had wished for and waited for would be born too early for it to have a chance at life. The doctors could offer no explanations. All I could do was give birth to this sweet little being, hold him for the twenty minutes he breathed life, and then kiss him good-bye. This began the journey into the most heartbreaking, yet life-altering period of my life.

Though I deeply longed for some kind of comfort in my sorrow, I could not manage to put into words what was going on with me. Even if I could identify those heavy and confusing feelings, I did not feel comfortable sharing them with other people. I felt much too vulnerable.

So I headed to the bookstore. Actually, I went to (so it seemed) a slew of bookstores. I was looking for comfort and for answers. I wanted relief from the pain and confusion. I wanted help to understand this grief that seemed so confusing. I had trouble concentrating. I felt so empty and alone. Though I was surrounded by people who loved me, a huge uncrossable chasm separated me from the rest of humankind.

The books I read helped me begin my journey into my own grieving process. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. What I went through in the period following my loss changed my life more than any other event, even more than the subsequent birth of my two daughters. I had to begin at the beginning and go through my own personal grieving process.

As a psychotherapist, I have come to share with many of my clients, as well as with other loved ones, in their own grieving processes. One woman had lost a father with whom she had held a love-hate relationship, another lost a brother who committed suicide. A young woman experienced her college graduation without the presence of either of her parents, both of whom died within the previous two years.

A man, feeling lonely and directionless, grieved his beloved spouse of thirty years who succumbed to cancer. A heart-broken woman mourned her long-awaited baby. A man, himself suffering from AIDS, buried his life partner of many years who had just died from the same disease. All of these people, regardless of educational level, age, social status, ethnicity, religion or gender, had two things in common: they loved their departed ones profoundly and they grieved deeply.

Some common themes would emerge from these compassionate human beings who found themselves in my counseling office. They often felt at a loss as to how to move forward with their feelings of grief. Many had shared little about their feelings with others. Most had felt as though they had little right to grieve beyond a limited period of time following the actual loss. They believed that they should be over their losses and getting on with their lives.

These people were living their lives, functioning, in motion. Yet, something was missing for them. Something seemed incomplete, as though there was some business left unfinished. In beginning to speak of their loved ones, an air of slow and heavy sadness would fill our sessions, eventually followed by a wide array of other emotions. Thus, the work of grieving would unfold.

I have always felt deeply honored when someone was willing to share with me the story of the loss of his or her loved one. It is like being invited into someone’s sacred room where they keep the most precious of treasures. I tread lightly and gently and bring lots of Kleenex.

For years, I have taught and lectured on a variety of topics. Some time ago, the University of California at Santa Barbara agreed to include in its Extension curriculum a class I teach on the grieving process. During this moving and heartfelt day-long course, when participants would turn their attention towards their departed loved ones, the floodgates burst open. Feelings of love, anger, longing, betrayal, and so many other emotions come forth.

One year, during the course on grieving, a woman remarked, When I came to this class today, I thought I had finished grieving my loss. What I realize is that I haven’t grieved at all. I just put the feelings away somewhere. The experience of emotional expression paves the way for healing the pain of loss. Pretense and superficiality drop away in the face of bereavement, and the truth of the heart prevails.

I have seen what happens to people when they stifle their feelings about the loss of one who has been so very dear. The pain hids inside yet cannot help but color one’s emotional landscape. An unexpected transformation can occur for those who let themselves fully and consciously grieve. This process has not only brought many mourners to a greater sense of peace in the face of deep and meaningful loss but has also transformed some to a higher sense of personal consciousness.

Some kind and caring individuals have consented to share with you the stories of their grieving journeys. As you will see, no two of these stories are close to identical to one another. You may see some similarities between your experience of grieving and that of some of these writer. But your story will be all its own.

The cases I have presented throughout the book are composites of the various people and losses they have suffered. For the sake of confidentiality, all identifying information has been changed but the heart of each story remains true.

I offer this book to you as a support in your own journey into your process of grieving, into your own journey of love as you honor your relationship with your loved one who is now gone. For those who have passed on and for ourselves, all the best on your way.

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to Arlene Eve Haight, my dearly missed mother

for her eternal encouragement and insistence that I learn how to write; Simon D’Arcy, for his support and assistance in discovering the world of publishing; Isabelle and Sophie Eve D’Arcy for giving me the why; my brothers, Irwin and Les Eve; the many friends who have supported me through editing, kind words, technical support, and belief that my care can make a difference-- Gary Mangiofico, Salli Eve, Lisa Rader, Kit Lietzow, Ethel Zivotofsky, Breck Costin, Linda Bernstein, Marco Dydo, Vicki Martinez, Margot Roseman, Sharon Gardner, Dale Figtree, Larry Mietus, Angela Quinhoneiro, Roz Targ, Joann Tall, Marianne Williamson, Eric Larson and John Daniel at Fithian Press, who brought their gentleness, respect, and knowledge to the publication of this book; bereaved clients over the years who have shared their grief and their loved ones; and to my son, Ayal, who has contributed through his death to so many and without whom this book would never have been written.

In Memoriam

You are invited to think about or write your own

dedication to a loved one you have lost. The length of relationship is not important. What is important is that it be someone you have loved and who has touched your heart.

I dedicate this book to ___________________________________

Because ______________________________________________

A Journey of Love

Chapter One

A Journey of Love

Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a loss of faith. It is the price of love.

—Author unknown

Grieving is a powerful process that can touch you to

the very depth of your being. The rock of unending sorrow that sits at the pit of your stomach, the concrete wall of pain that surrounds your heart, or the vast emptiness that seems to fill your entire body may be the grief of the loss of someone you have loved so dearly.

Marjorie was in her mid-thirties when she came to my office some autumns ago. She wished to work on relationship issues in her counseling with me. During our sessions, she began to speak of the death of her brother, her only sibling, about fifteen years earlier. Marjorie’s brother had killed himself at the tender age of twenty-three. She had carried with her the enormous burden of responsibility for his death, as though she could have and should have done something to save her sibling.

Marjorie had never had the opportunity to speak of her thoughts and emotions about the loss of her brother. She had tucked those feelings away into the faraway and hidden crevices of her consciousness and went on with her life, as others around her also seemed to do. Now, years later, it was clear that Marjorie needed to meaningfully grieve this painful and confusing death of her beloved brother.

Like Marjorie, after suffering a significant loss, you may begin to feel emotions which are difficult to identify, understand, or feel. An indescribable core in you is touched which will never be the same again. Experiencing such a deep and meaningful loss can set in motion a process of transformation. To put it simply: it hurts so much, something’s got to give.

Losing someone you love opens the door to a passageway you may not yet know how to negotiate. It may be dimly lit with zigzags of emotion and the hollow echo of your aloneness. Others may try to guide you, but they truly only know the environs of their own passages of mourning. To find your way in your own process of grieving is to venture into the heart of your relationship with your loved one now gone and to move into a new way of relating to his or her life, death, and memory.

Your equipment for your journey is simple, though some of it may be rather unfamiliar to you. You will need, for your passage, your mind, your body, and your heart. Thoughts and feelings are your means. Your body is their vehicle. Each aspect of yourself can be affected when you suffer a significant loss.

Four months had passed since the death of Leigh’s mother. Leigh continued to work each day at her job with an advertising firm. Some days she found it difficult to concentrate but, for the most part, she was grateful for the distraction her work provided. When she was busy she didn’t have to feel the emptiness inside knowing she could no longer pick up the phone and give her mother a call. Leigh noticed that her appetite had waned a bit and that, although she slept long and hard at night, she felt tired and lethargic.

Leigh learned that fatigue, both emotional and physical, is common in grieving someone you have loved dearly. She also came to understand her need for time to experience the emotions she was feeling related to her mother and her death. Leigh made a greater effort to eat well, exercise, rest, and allow herself the opportunity to grieve.

You might be experience your own sense of unresolved or uncompleted grieving. Whether your loss occurred recently or sometime early on, you may feel as though you are stuck in your grief. Pain, confusion, frustration, or emptiness might characterize your emotions. You may feel lost and without direction, not knowing how to come to terms with your loss.

You may long to feel differently, to move away from the deep pain and sadness toward a greater sense of acceptance and peacefulness. Though you wish to experience a change in your feelings of bereavement, you may feel uncertain how to begin a journey consciously and fully grieving. Your repertoire of methods to cope with such a deep and difficult loss may have been, until now, too limited to help you negotiate this painful and sometimes overwhelming and confusing passage.

Where can you turn in your time of loss for knowledge or wisdom? How can you mourn in a way that is authentic and fulfilling for you? Friends, counselors, clergy persons, or family members may share their own grief experiences. Your grief, however, may be difficult to speak about with others. It may seem even more painful to try to put into words your feelings of loss. You may feel too exposed to share such vulnerable emotion with others, not knowing how they might respond. You may find yourself seeking help, comfort, or answers to your pain in literature.

Many volumes and articles on grieving have been published describing various stages that individuals experience during bereavement. We have learned from such literature that there are indeed emotional states that many grievers commonly go through and that there is some kind of progression to our experience of mourning.

Though these informational books on grieving can be extremely helpful in their own ways, they may not fully meet your needs. Reading accounts of what is normal to expect in the process of grieving may help you feel as though what you are experiencing is, at least, not abnormal. However, such information may leave you confused or feeling mired in emotional pain, still not moving toward a more heartfelt sense of peace with your loss. Your head understands, but your heart still hurts.

You may feel uncertain as to how best to address many of the questions that remain unanswered about the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing as you grieve. You may long for some sort of guide to support you in your own personal and unique process of grieving. Though your loss and the way you experience it will be different from any other person, some guidance in your own grieving process could be so helpful.

Examining the often deep and confusing questions that arise in your mourning and the answers that may or may not be forthcoming may assist your heart in coming to terms with the deep loss you have suffered. Patricia suffered the death of her sister, Jackie, to cancer. From the time she learned of her sister’s condition, Patricia had a mere three months left to share Jackie’s company. After Jackie died, Patricia needed time to be with her thoughts and feelings about her sister and her untimely passing. On returning from work in the late afternoons, Patricia would spend sometimes an hour or two or more sitting in her living room, box of Kleenex at hand, mulling over questions about Jackie’s illness and death and remembering their early years together growing up in the suburban Los Angeles of the 1960s.

You may be tempted to avoid the questions, emotions and memories that arise in mourning, for to face them might be uncomfortable or emotionally painful. However, to avoid the feelings and the questions that arise for you is to cut yourself off from the natural evolution of your grieving. Your heart seeks answers to the puzzlements posed by such a profound and powerful experience as the loss of a loved one.

In seeking what is often an elusive understanding of what you are experiencing in your grief, you might seek guidance from others. If you are like most people, you have probably learned to look outside yourself for guidance about how you should or might handle various situations. You may have sought information from books, teachers, parents, or religious institutions. You may have sought counsel from loving or wise friends. You may have sought counsel from loving or wise friends. You may have observed bereavement behaviors recounted in various media, such as books, television or movies. Your learning process generally became an outwardly-directed pursuit.

Not only have you likely learned to seek answers from sources outside yourself, but you have probably focused on a primarily intellectual, rather than emotional, understanding. Indeed, taking in information on a mental level is ever so valuable. Your horizons are broadened. Your mind is stimulated, excited, and stretched. As you gather information, things may begin to make more sense. In your grieving, this may add to your sense of comprehension of facts surrounding the loss of your loved one. As helpful and meaningful as this is, it may not feel enough for you.

Grieving calls not only for the awareness of your mind, but an understanding of what lies within your heart. Somewhere along the line, for many of us, the importance of learning from our own inner reflection has been underestimated or forgotten. The word education, however comes from the Latin educare, which means to draw out. Knowing what is in your heart may be partly supported by gathering information but grows primarily from an inward look at your own emotional experience.

Valuable guidance about what you need to cope with the questions and