BLACK PARK: South Park meets Black Books
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To paraphrase the creators of South Park: "ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS" BOOK"--EVEN THOSE BASED ON" CHARACTERS FROM SOUTH PARK"--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CELEBRITY VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED.....POORLY." THIS BOOK "CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE" READ "BY ANYONE".
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BLACK PARK - Matthew Vandenberg
EPISODE 1: FISHY WALL/WAR
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE LAWN - MORNING
SOFIA, NADIA AND JULIA are lying on a small grassy knoll on Little Diomede, by a small college, on this small island of Alaska.
There’s a loud buzzing noise.
A plane crash lands on a massive hill behind them.
On it are the words ‘Democracy Flies’.
NADIA opens her eyes.
NADIA
What was that?
Everyone is awake now. They turn around.
SOFIA
A plane?
JULIA’s voice is muffled because of her veil.
JULIA
Oooompf wmpffff mm?
SOFIA
No. It’s not a drone. Far too big.
NADIA
It’s manned.
She rises. And a figure – CERA - emerges from the wreckage.
JULIA
Woooomph.
NADIA
You’re right Julia: Womanned.
The others stand and they all rush over to greet the pilot.
CERA looks pleased. She stretches like she just woke up.
NADIA
Excuse me. Are you okay? You just crashed.
CERA
That’s coz I’m loaded with too much information.
CERA laughs.
CERA (cont’d)
I’m Cera Palin, daughter of the politician.
She puts out a hand.
NADIA looks at the plane.
She grabs CERA’s hand and leads her away from the wreckage.
NADIA
Uh . . . I’m Nadia. My friends here are Sofia and Julia. We’re not related to politicians, far as we know. Did you . . . did you plan to crash here?
CERA
It’s only morning. But I’ll take you up on that. I’d love to stay.
NADIA
Oh. Yeah. Okay, sure. But I mean, did you plan to crash the plane into the hill?
CERA looks at the plane.
CERA
Oh. That? It’s my first time flying. What do you expect? I asked the people of Alaska should I fly, and the majority said ‘yes’. Don’t you love democracy?
SOFIA
I think you’re right, Julia, she’s a drone.
JULIA and SOFIA laugh.
CERA
Oh. Don’t step over the border dear. You stay on your side now.
SOFIA
What?
CERA
You’re one of those Russian Jews aren’t you? My plane must have seen your nose and thought it found a mate.
NADIA
Hey! Don’t talk to her like that?
CERA
You know her?
NADIA
She’s my best friend. Of course I know her. I just introduced you to her.
CERA
Awww. You named her. That’s so cute. What’s her name?
SOFIA
My name’s Sofia. You’re a little annoying.
CERA
You’re a little Jew dear.
There’s another plane crash. And another. The pilots emerge, like moles from a hill. They’re all shrugging.
SOFIA
No flying schools in Alaska?
CERA
There are schools for that?
SOFIA
Figures.
SOFIA sighs.
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE CITY HALL – MORNING
CERA strolls onto the stage with a wave like she was invited. It’s plain to see she wasn’t, from the plane one can see she wasn’t even flying properly.
CERA
Hello my friends! Hello! Thank you for welcoming me to your little island.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Who are you?
CERA
Oh. Very funny. This is ‘Little’ Diomede, right? You guys aren’t Russians?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Your one of the pilots! You crashed into our island. Do you need help? We can fly you back to the mainland if you like.
CERA
Help? No. You helping me? That’s preposterous. Look, I know it’s dawning on most of you right now, and you’re starting to feel a little embarrassed, maybe even a little pathetic, but I am indeed the daughter of Sarah Palin.
She raises a hand.
CERA
Oh please, stop the applause.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3
We didn’t start.
RANDY
And say we did start, you didn’t stop when you flew into our hill so why should we therefore stop?
This RANDY looks like he’s a little tipsy.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Randy, by that logic we would be applauding her for crashing into the hill.
RANDY
Well, maybe . . .
RANDY picks up a glass of wine and takes a sip.
RANDY
Maybe she was making a recess. A recess in the hill.
He turns to CERA.
RANDY
Is your purpose here the creation of recesses my dear lady? Perhaps you come like a stream to poke the ground like sharp waves.
CERA
What? No. That’s not at all why I’m here. Obviously, as I’m sure the others among you are well aware, I am here to promote myself. Though I’m sure I don’t need to. I am the daughter of Sarah Palin.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
You said that already?
RANDY
Where’s Sarah Pale Inn? People always raise the bars too high. I can never get to them anymore. But I will fly you back to the mainland at no cost if you will show me to this Pale Inn you so fervently speak of, my dear.
CERA shakes her head.
CERA
No. I mean . . . you’re a pilot?! How can ‘you’ be a pilot?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3
With all do respect, lady, you just crash landed on our hill.
A man runs into the city hall.
MAN
On the planes are the words ‘Democracy Flies’, on every single one! Pests is what they are indeed. More and more are landing on our precious hill.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3
This woman is one of the pilots.
She points at CERA.
People begin to chatter.
RANDY
Is this some kind of attack? What is this democracy you represent? The only solution, I believe firmly, is for me to fly my plane into a brown bear immediately. We need to eat in order to feel better after drinking so much, when we’re hung over.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 4
We cannot just kill brown bears.
There’s a resounding ‘yes’ from the others present.
CERA
We’d all much rather eat bear than some hippie-leaf toilet paper and period blood borscht, or whatever it is you guys eat here.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 5
Hey! We like our food! I’m not sure I like you coming to our island and telling us what to eat. This whole democracy thing: I ain’t buying it.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 4
Yeah.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Hell yeah!
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
All in favor of not flying a plane into a brown bear?!
The audience cheers.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
I believe the yays have it.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
All in favor of not buying democracy?
Again the audience cheers.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Yays have it again. In that case, Randy, you will be flying your plane into the closest brown bear this afternoon. For the good of the island.
They carry RANDY off in celebration.
CERA shrugs.
EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – AFTERNOON
A crowd are gathered. They have binoculars.
CROWD MEMBER 1
We have to watch these bears carefully. And watch they don’t get poached, specifically. Coz we always play pacifically.
CROWD MEMBER 2
Stop rhyming. It lessens the seriousness of your words.
CROWD MEMBER 1
Alternatively, it may be that lessons are taken more seriously if absurd.
There’s a plane. It appears out of nowhere.
CROWD MEMBER 3
Guys! Look!
He signals the plane.
CROWD MEMBER 1
Traditionally we watch out for spears. Planes are too plain to be queer.
The plane almost crashes into a brown bear.
CROWD MEMBER 2
Oh my god! They tried to kill our leader: KimBearly-un!
CROWD MEMBER 1
There’s only one thing we can do.
CROWD MEMBER 2
Drop a nuclear bomb on the Diomede Islands? I’ll get it prepared.
CROWD MEMBER 1
What? No! Have you picked up nothing from my rhymes? We’re peaceful, not deceitful or equal to those who commit crimes, and besides why should we direct a prequel to yet another war of the times? We must attack them virtually. We’ll stop them from making movies.
He removes his cell from his pocket and types a few commands.
CROWD MEMBER 2
What are you doing?
CROWD MEMBER 1
Leaking confidential information about people working at Sony Pictures. And threatening nine-eleven style attacks on the animals (meaning ‘brown bears’ of course).
CROWD MEMBER 2
But Sony Pictures isn’t on the Diomede Islands. And I don’t think any brown bears are there either.
CROWD MEMBER 1 scratches his head.
CROWD MEMBER 1
Look, my specialty is rhyming, not intelligence. Okay? I didn’t sign up for this gig!
CROWD MEMBER 2
Never mind. I’m sure no one will take the threat seriously.
EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – AFTERNOON
RANDY emerges from the plane he crashed.
He points at the bear.
RANDY
Aha! I should have known. You pulled my plane down, didn’t you Mr. Bear? Typical Russian. You’re Putin, aren’t you? Well, I’ve had it! I’m sick of puttin’ up with you scary Soviets!
He charges at the bear.
The bear holds out a paw to stop him.
The bear pats RANDY on the back then grabs his shirt and drags him along the ground carefully.
RANDY (cont’d)
What is the meaning of this? Where are you taking me?
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE CITY HALL – AFTERNOON
RANDY’s wife, SANDY, is on stage speaking.
SANDY
My husband has been missing now for . . .
She looks at her watch.
SANDY (cont’d)
over ten minutes! I think we should be concerned. No one is ever missing for that long from view of people on this island. It’s a tiny island.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Maybe he wanted to get away from you because you’re a bitch!
SANDY scratches her head.
SANDY
No. Many people think I’m not. The majority of people here, actually.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
But we voted that we don’t like democracy anymore.
SANDY gasps.
SANDY
My god! Then perhaps I am indeed a bitch. We need to find my RANDY. I need to apologize for being a bitch.
CERA
He was probably eaten by brown bears.
SANDY
What?
CERA
He was probably eaten by brown bears. Happens all the time. We must wage war against all brown bears! This is the only reasonable solution to this crisis. Just the thought of Care Bears makes me sick to my stomach. I really feel very sick.
SANDY
Perhaps you should eat something. You’re as skinny as a tack.
CERA
A tack's top is fat! You think I’m fat!?
CERA runs out of the hall.
SANDY
So we’re all in agreement that this new arrival – CERA – is a little nuts?
The audience members shout ‘yes’.
SANDY sighs.
SANDY
I guess we should give her a rifle then. Since we hate democracy.
She holds up a rifle.
NADIA
Wait a second!
SANDY
Yes, Nadia.
NADIA
Well, it was a democratic decision to label democracy as evil, so therefore it shouldn’t be considered evil. Am I right?
People murmur everywhere.
NADIA (cont’d)
Maybe witchcraft is the solution. I can placate these bears from afar. I assure you. Just make that rifle into a wand.
SANDY shrugs. She looks at the people in the audience. They’re all nodding.
SANDY
We have consensus and we also have consensus that consensus is good and desirable. I rule that Wiccan Democracy is the answer.
She bangs the rifle on the podium.
It goes off.
Luckily no one is hit.
NADIA
Take the ammo out of the rifle. That’s how you turn it into a wand. Just FYI.
EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – AFTERNOON
The bear taps an ice block like it’s telephone wires. The ice block happens to be the shape of Kim Jong-un’s head. Inside are fish, frozen fish.
RANDY
Oh. You want to get to the fish? You just want food like everyone else. And, like for everyone else, it’s dictators who are the enemy. And we shouldn’t confuse ordinary citizens with evil dictators.
The bear continues to tap the ice.
RANDY
Oh, of course. You only speak bear.
He looks around.
RANDY
I got it! I’ll fly my plane into the ice block! I think it still works. Maybe we can grab a drink afterwards? Do you drink vodka?
The bear shrugs. He starts hitting the block.
RANDY
Okay, okay. I’ll get the plane!
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE LAWN - MORNING
CERA is lying down and stabbing Care Bears with a stick.
CERA
Hurts! I’m in such pain. Coz of Care Bears everywhere. Fuckin’ Care Bears are killing me.
JULIA offers CERA some vegetables.
JULIA
Ohhhmn oomph oooooh oooowwwmph.
CERA
No. These aren’t hunger pains. The pain is because of the electromagnetic radiation the Russians are sending to America. They’re always doing something. Pesky Commie Socialist scum.
JULIA sighs.
CERA (cont’d)
What do you guys do here all day, anyway?
NADIA
We go to college. We’re doing classes on cross cultural communication. You should probably join us.
CERA
America’s the greatest nation. Why would I wanna communicate with lesser cultures?
NADIA
Suit yourself. We’ll see you later.
They head off to class.
EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – DUSK
RANDY’s flying into the ice block.
RANDY
Let me break the ice!
He does. He flies into the massive ice block that’s shaped like Kim Jong-un’s stupid head. The frozen fish are free, in more ways than one.
RANDY hops out of the plane and runs to the bear’s side.
RANDY (cont’d)
There you go, buddy. Now I gotta get back to my island.
The bear offers him a fish.
RANDY (cont’d)
You’re sharing? Is that even in our constitution? Are you maybe a koala bear who fell out of a tree into a pile of shit? I don’t know what I’m seeing here. Bears sharing fish! Crazy.
He takes the fish nonetheless. And nods a ‘thank you’.
RANDY (cont’d)
It’s probably bearly fishy. I’m sure it tastes like bear-sweat flavored fish.
He stares at it.
The crowd from earlier return.
CROWD MEMBER 1
The ice is broken! Now we have free speech! I declare war on all ice sheets. Global warming must continue or we will be invaded by the inhabitants of the Diomede Islands. These billions of people will overrun us and make us into slaves.
CROWD MEMBER 2
Shut the fuck up!
CROWD MEMBER 1
I’m serious. If we don’t use nuclear weapons the whole planet is doomed.
SARAH PALIN appears out of nowhere (or her house, where we may know it to be or not to be. That isn’t a question).
SARAH PALIN
Yeah. Nuke the Russians!
She notices RANDY.
SARAH PALIN
Oi! What are you doing on my land? You bear fucker!
RANDY
Hey! Your daughter flew a plane into OUR island: Little Diomede. Just waltzed into the town hall like she owns the place.
SARAH PALIN
My daughter’s there? Probably best we don’t nuke the island just yet then.
RANDY
You wanna nuke our island?
SARAH PALIN
No, no, silly. Just Big Diomede. In case the Russians are coming. Have you seen them lately? They look seriously evil. I think they wanna eat us.
RANDY
That’s crazy. We live with Russians. They’re perfectly normal.
SARAH PALIN
Sure. When they’re not eating people. They’re almost like . . .
She looks around and sees the bear. Then points at it.
SARAH PALIN (cont’d)
They’re like them.
The bear holds out a fish as a peace offering, and tilts his head to the side, and looks all cute-like.
SARAH PALIN
That bear’s evil! Because he’s deliberately not acting evil so that I can’t prove my point. Someone kill it now!
CROWD MEMBER 1
Yeah! Kill KimBearly-un! We have freedom of speech now!
RANDY
Whoa! Guys, wait! The bear has done nothing wrong. Forget about what he represents. This is all in your mind. Only real dictators are the enemy.
CROWD MEMBER 1
He’s commanding us with authority to do what he wants. He’s dictating! And he’s with the bear. Kill ‘em both!
RANDY runs back to his plane.
The poor brown bear gets shot.
EXT. BIG DIOMEDE – DUSK
JULIAN ASSANGE is talking to his daughter via Skype.
JULIAN
Julia. If you look east from the middle of the little island you’ll see that in the middle of this eastern land there’s unrest.
JULIA
In the middle of the eastern land from my perspective? You mean Alaska?
JULIAN
Yes. Of course. Sorry. I can be overly descriptive. Anyway, I hacked into the e-mails of people there after they hacked into the private information of Sony Pictures employees. And it seems like they’re planning to drop a nuclear bomb on Big Diomede. No one’s listening to me. Everyone in power says that the Americans must be the good guys all the time. It’s in the constitution or some shit. So they won’t believe that some of them are either evil or extremely dim-witted. I think Sarah Palin is in on this.
JULIA
What should I do dad?
JULIAN
Warn everyone to get off the island. Or . . .
JULIA
What?
JULIAN
Or convince Sarah Palin’s daughter to stay there for a while. Whatever’s easiest.
JULIA
I’ll do my best.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – NIGHT
RANDY emerges from his plane.
Almost all the inhabitants are there to greet him.He's a little dazed.
RANDY
I finished the cold wall!
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Huh?
RANDY
I finished the cold . . .
NADIA elegantly touches a wand to his lips
RANDY (cont’d)
war!
Everyone cheers.
SOFIA
You do all realize that Russia’s on the other side, right?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Nadia has moved Russia! It’s magic! Real magic!
NADIA shrugs.
SOFIA sighs.
SOFIA
Look, Russia has always been where it is. It hasn’t been, and doesn’t need to be, moved in order to bring about the end of an imaginary war. Russians are both similar to and different to Americans but, importantly, everyone’s an individual. We need to appreciate the differences and similarities and work together to make the world a better place.
By now the crowd – aside from NADIA and JULIA – have marched away from SOFIA.
CROWD
America the best! America the best!
SOFIA looks at NADIA.
SOFIA
Do they even realize you’re Russian?
NADIA
They’re very forgetful.
JULIA
Goooooomph wooomph woooomph mmmmph.
SOFIA
You got a call from your dad? What did he say?
JULIA
Mmmmmph rooomph wooomph mmmph.
NADIA
Why would Alaskans want to drop a nuclear bomb on Big Diomede?
JULIA
Birrrrtch!
SOFIA
Oh. Sarah Palin’s preaching to them again. Wait! She’s not gonna do anything so long as her daughter’s here.
JULIA nods.
NADIA
We have to convince Cera to stay so that one of our islands won’t be nuked?
JULIA nods.
NADIA
This is crazy! How?
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PHILOSOPHER’S SUITE – DAWN
Philosophers, in some suite, on this sweet little Little Diomede island, debate the plausibility of reincarnation.
PHILOSOPHER 1
Reincarnation seems plausible because there is surely a small probability that whatever reaction led to the creation of a specific consciousness could again occur.
PHILOSOPHER 2
But according to the law of entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, disorder or randomness only increases with time.
PHILOSOPHER 1
Ahh. But what about when the universe stops expanding and begins to contract?
PHILOSOPHER 2
So what? Toast will not turn back into bread. Bits of it will just coalesce and we’ll see some toast balls like massive balls are suddenly very popular.
PHILOSOPHER 1
That may be so. And surely pleasantly gay indeed. But atoms are not bread. Most atoms have not been destroyed. We know about the few that have. And if atoms make up consciousness is it not plausible that certain ones can once again coalesce into the figurative ball of self that once was the basis for a past individual’s awareness?
Suddenly NADIA enters the room, as if by magic.
NADIA
Hey philosophers! I hope I’m not interrupting some important philosophical conversation on the meaning of life or anything, but I need you guys to help us build a snow sculpture of Cera so that she’ll stay on the island an her mom, Sarah Palin, won’t drop a nuclear bomb on Big Diomede.
PHILOSOPHER 1
How fitting you should request our assistance. Putting people together and not allowing atoms to be destroyed relates perfectly to what we were discussing just now.
PHILOSOPHER 2
True. Count us in.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DAY
The philosophers are making a snow sculpture of CERA. We see a close-up. It’s remarkable. It could easily win the hearts of onlookers. In her hands she’s holding what looks like ‘less than 3’, but we can see more, and we see what seems like figures together (<3).
NADIA, JULIA, and SOFIA arrive.
NADIA
Wow! You guys don’t waste any time.
PHILOSOPHER 1
We cannot agree on the plausibility of reincarnation so we cannot agree that there is any time to waste. So we have to make the most of what we have.
PHILOSOPHER 2
So this is our sculpture of Cera. She is, beyond doubt, a very beautiful woman. It seems likely that she could therefore rule the land through beauty alone. We have to work to give her compassion and wisdom.
PHILOSOPHER 1
But carefully. Very carefully, so she does not think of us as elitist.
SOFIA
Do I smell Jasmine?
PHILOSOPHER 2
Yes. Very true. We have covered the sculpture with the scent of jasmine.
PHILOSOPHER 1
And also some indole by the ass to remind people that her shit may stink.
PHILOSOPHER 2
We should maybe rethink that. Cera may take it the wrong way.
PHILOSOPHER 1
It was less than three percent of the aromatic solution.
PHILOSOPHER 2
Well, that doesn’t smell fishy then.
They laugh.
SOFIA, NADIA, and JULIA turn to see CERA dragging her feet along the snow.
NADIA
Hey Cera! These guys made a snow sculpture of you. It’s to welcome you to our island.
CERA’s stunned.
She wanders up to the surreal snowwoman.
CERA
Wow.
She begins to weep.
CERA
You have all allied yourselves with me in my quest for world domination through the spreading of American imperialism. And I’m so appropriately white. And there’s no sculpture of Sofia because she is clearly recognized as a lesser human than I clearly am. This is so nice guys.
JULIA is angry.
JULIA
Rmmmmph mmmmph rmmmmph!
CERA
Awww. You don’t need a sculpture dear. No one knows what you look like under your veil anyway.
NADIA takes a deep breath. She takes the hands of JULIA and SOFIA.
She whispers.
NADIA
I’m getting angry. Let’s leave before she does. Or our whole island will be destroyed.
They take off.
EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – DUSK
SARAH PALIN is a little angry, pacing the Alaskan shore like she’s SNOOKI on Jersey’s.
SARAH
It would appear as though my daughter’s presence on Little Diomede is a major impediment to world domination. We can’t nuke the Russians when she’s there. And there’s no way I can get in touch with her.
We notice now that SARAH PALIN is actually riding STEVE SCHMIDT, her advisor.
STEVE
My back hurts.
SARAH
Yes. It’s like our backs hurt, coz the Press are always on them. We need to think up a way to get the Press off our backs and my daughter back.
STEVE
No. Mine.
SARAH
Sorry Steve, you’re being silly now. Mines will not help us. We can’t just throw mines at the Russians from Alaska. How dumb do you think I am? Now please move faster so we can get the Press off our backs. You were just complaining about this.
STEVE sighs.
We notice some blood on STEVE’s face: menstrual blood.
STEVE
It must be your time of the month Sarah. You may want to clean up yourself.
SARAH
Oh, I do. I do so want to make a profit. Yes Steve. We must pay a visit to an oil company. Maybe there’s oil under Big Diomede. The oil people can rescue my daughter and blow up the island. Where’s an oil company, Steve?
STEVE groans.
STEVE
Anchorage. But we’re nowhere near . . .
SARAH
To Anchorage! Giddy up boy!
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE TOWN HALL – NIGHT
CERA’s on stage and speaking like she’s delivering an acceptance speech.
CERA
My mother can’t see me now. Unless she’s watching me from Alaska. And that means she’d see the big massive sculpture erected in my honor. I always knew that I was special, and that Russians and Jews were not, and so it is only fitting that you all honor me here today with your snow sculpture. My mom would be proud that I have now conquered the islands just east of Russia and that the people, including at least one Jew, have not put up a fight because they know in their hearts that America is and always will be number one and they realize that cooperation with a Jew for such a long period of time would eventually lead them down a road of heartbreak and despair.
CERA clears her throat. She looks around, searching for SOFIA. She looks at SOFIA.
CERA (cont’d)
Is there anything you would like to say, Jew? Would you like to apologize to everyone, for having led them down a road of heartbreak and despair? Or do you just wanna keep standing there with your nose like a finger pointing at people, accusing everyone who looks at you of being nosy, when it’s you, dear Jew, who have the most nosy nose.
NADIA
Actually, I think everyone here has a big nose. Coz it’s now pretty obvious, Cera, that your shit stinks!
The crowd cheers.
CERA
What? What is this? You all love me. You just made a sculpture of me.
SOFIA
Not you. An alternative you. A new you who would foster peace, love and unity. A new you who would help us convince your mother not to . . .
NADIA blocks SOFIA’s mouth.
NADIA
not to disown you.
CERA
Huh?
NADIA
That’s right. She hasn’t come to pick you up because you’ve disappointed her. She wants you to learn from us. Until then, mainland America is off-limits to you. We heard this and wanted to make you feel welcome here so we had the sculpture made.
CERA
But this whole island is America’s pimple.
NADIA
No Cera, we’re building a new America and this is the west wing. And this small town is the capital. Capitals matter, so we’re in the real West Wing of the twenty first century. And if you try your best to understand the people of both Russia and America then maybe one day you can be a real leader.
CERA
So this is a mutiny? Just like that, a mutiny. Already.
CERA starts climbing a ladder that appears out of nowhere.
CERA
Well, I will not step down. I will continue to climb the ladder with sails, until they go through the roof . . .
She does, wearing only American flags.
She immediately descends.
CERA (cont’d)
It’s actually rather cold out, with only sails on. I thought maybe that if they went through the roof they would be more substantial.
NADIA
Wrong ‘sails’. We’re not on the mainland, and you’re not selling anything substantial. And when one spell(‘)s well that helps. You really need to be more down to earth right now.
CERA leaps from the stage, stage-diving into a receding crowd.
CERA
I am America!
She falls flat on her face.
NADIA
Little better.
EXT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY – DAWN
SARAH PALIN’s shooting brown bears.
SARAH
Brown bear die!
She shoots. A brown bear falls down.
SARAH (cont’d)
Yay! Go America! Brown bear die!
Again she shoots an innocent Alaskan brown bear. She jumps up and down with excitement after the bear falls.
SARAH (cont’d)
It’s road kill now, and now we can make a road here. Road kill without a road makes no sense. And stupid lefties make no sense. I have rights. So I don’t wanna be left alone, lost in Alaska, without roads! Are you writing this down, Steve? This is gold. Oh, we need gold too! Under roads! We gotta dig roads up to get gold.
She looks up at the sky like she’s a philosopher. Then, out of the corner of her eye SARAH sees something moving.
SARAH (cont’d)
Brown bear that’s in shape of human. Die!
Then she accidentally shoots a Nigerian boy.
STEVE
You just shot a Nigerian boy.
SARAH
Are they a protected species?
STEVE looks at some documents.
STEVE
Um . . . two thousand dead in the last week. No world leaders seem to give a shit. No, I guess they’re not.
SARAH
Phew. Thought I did something wrong then. Don’t scare me like that, Steve. What was I meant to be doing anyway?
STEVE
We were looking for an oil company. To find someone who can save your daughter and then cooperate with you to blow up some of Russia.
SARAH
Yes. Indeed we were. Keep me updated on how that’s all working out, will you Steve?
STEVE
Well, right now you appear to be side-tracked and shooting bears, Mrs. Palin.
SARAH
Side tracks? No, Steve! We are interested in roads. Proper American roads! We don’t wanna walk on tiny side tracks. Put that in my speech, will you Steve? I don’t ever take side tracks to get where I’m going. I take roads coz I’m an American. Kill bears, take roads, eat beef, smoke fags, and kill Nigerians.
STEVE
Not sure about that last part.
SARAH
You said they weren’t protected. You’re not scared of the environmentalists are you Steve?
STEVE
No. no. no. It’s just that many people consider the taking or under appreciation of human life to be immoral.
SARAH
We need a war to sort that out.
STEVE
We already had the Civil War, Mrs. Palin.
SARAH
Ahh yes. I think I remember that. That was when I shot the twenty Nigerians.
STEVE
No. That was last week.
SARAH
Look, I’m not a historian Steve. I don’t know everything. Now, kindly direct me to the nearest oil company. I want to walk on oil, over dead penguins, like Jesus. You can’t walk on water without dead penguins underneath you. Or was that Moses who walked on water? No, I’m sure Moses parted the oil. He parted, so he died. Simple English. If you don’t understand that you shouldn’t be here in America.
SARAH shoots another Nigerian boy.
STEVE
Maybe shoot fewer Nigerians while you’re campaigning.
SARAH
Oh Steve. That was a bear, silly. You just have my glasses in your hand. You should be wearing them. Then you’ll be able to see for yourself.
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DAY
CERA’s making snowcastles in the shape of servants, fervently and on purpose like a surfer figuratively digging herself into a hole in the form of a pipe dream.
NADIA approaches CERA.
NADIA
Hey Cera. You know, we really want to help you feel welcome here.
CERA
You’re very nice. I even made a sculpture of you.
CERA points at one.
NADIA
There’s a massive hole in the head.
CERA
Arms were too small. I had to compensate.
NADA
Huh?
CERA
Arms, guns, bullets, holes. Connect the dots on your ugly face and you make a fake expression.
NADIA puts a hand on CERA’s shoulder.
NADIA
Cera, please don’t think we’re rejecting you. We want to talk to you. We want to discuss things. What did you think we would be like before you came here? Did you think we would just worship you because you’re SARAH PALIN’s daughter?
CERA
I didn’t even mean to come here. I was heading to an oil company in Anchorage. I wanted to show them that I was flexible and willing to get into oil. So I flew the plane like I was oil from an oil spill in the air. Then I ended up here. And now I’m in a foreign country . . .
NADIA
This is still Alaska.
CERA
You said my mother sent me here? How did she take control of the plane? Was I in a drone? Why would she do that? Everyone voted for me to be the one to fly to the oil company. It was unanimous. But I didn’t make it.
NADIA
Maybe democracy isn’t always the best solution. I assume all those other pilots were democratically elected to fly to the oil company. And they all crashed into our hill. They’re dead now.
CERA nods.
CERA
They died for their country. Very brave pilots.
NADIA
But they weren’t pilots. That’s why they died. That’s the point. They didn’t know how to fly, and that’s why they didn’t find the oil company and crashed into our hill.
CERA
No. They were pilots. They had cards saying so. We all signed them. Look. This is mine.
CERA removes a card from her pocket and shows it to NADIA.
It says: ‘Democracy Flies Best! Elected pilot Cera Palin. This pilot was judged by the masses to be awesome. Every aspect of this pilot is totally fit for television. Voters say that nudity is more important than knowledge. Watch this pilot fly!’
NADIA
No offense, but a pilot should be more than this. You don’t even know whether anyone ever made it to the oil company.
CERA shrugs.
CERA
Doesn’t matter. The refineries will grow and grow. They will reach us all. We don’t have to move. And more people will have jobs. And more people will be happy. Now, where are some guys I can show my breasts to? They’ll at least say they want oil. They always do. Democracy rules!
CERA runs off.
NADIA sighs, staring at the card. It’s oily. She sniffs it.
INT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY CABIN – DUSK
SARAH PALIN is checking her e-mail. STEVE’s by her side, panting like a dog. He licks the laptop screen.
SARAH looks at STEVE.
SARAH
You shouldn’t lick screens. That creates a slippery slope.
STEVE
Seems like that’s what you hired me for.
SARAH opens an e-mail from her daughter. She reads it.
SARAH
‘Mommy! No one’s listening to me! I need big breasts!’
SARAH looks at STEVE.
SARAH (cont’d)
Oh no! They’ve turned my daughter gay, those commie scum. We must send giant penises to the island immediately, so they’ll be erected there like baobab trees. If we can just show her beautiful cocks then we can save her.
There’s a knock on the hard wood.
STEVE
That’s probably someone from the oil company.
SARAH
Ahh, yes. A prick with lubrication. Send him in.
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PSYCH CLASS – DAY
Some psychology instructor named PSY is summarizing the sorry state of America for his students. He’s standing in front of a board like it’s directors, and drawing them.
PSY
What we see here are Americans. They’re a peculiar bunch. They are much like sperm when they wanna be. Some are kamikaze sperm
: Democrats fighting Republicans. Then pricks – leaders, directors – stand up, looking like flagpoles, and all the sperm get excited and start running up hills to chant ‘American democracy! Yay!’ But these pricks aren’t doing anything. They’re just standing there. They don’t do anything. They’re just symbols, like flags and flag poles. Obama’s just a symbol. He’s a sock puppet. He needs a hand coz he’s a prick. And the hand is that of corporate power.
NADIA looks at SOFIA.
NADIA
Try convincing Cera that leaders are just pricks and lapdogs.
PSY
But symbols can be powerful. Very powerful. Symbols can get everyone’s attention.
He walks over to a nearby window, and just stands there, staring at the snow-covered hill.
PSY
Cummmmmmmmmmmm!
He hums. Like a Buddhist.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER – DAY
It’s through the windows that we initially see CERA strolling down the shore, followed by an ever-growing number of sheep-like men.
It’s the tapping of the fingers of the students on desks that marks the first beats in what’s sure to be some parody of some popular song.
On one window is written in dew: ‘While intelligence is idling ignorance prevails’.
The tune to OMI’s Cheerleader begins to play.
NADIA, JULIA, and SOFIA emerge from their classroom in disbelief.
NADIA
What the fuck?
The men are like tools trying to get into a box (vagina). They shall be named accordingly. And CERA’s like a bot-blonde.
The words are to the tune of Cheerleader.
NAIL
We’ve fine’ly grown a nation/
There’s no confusion, you can see/
My dick’s way long. There. Stare!/
Indeed we see NAIL’s dick, then Nail actually becomes NAIL’s dick.
HAMMER
We will all wait at the border
til we get her order/
Then we’ll hammer those attempting
to gain entry to our lots/
‘You(’re/r) flat! Stay!’/
CERA hits HAMMER on the head.
CERA
No, don’t lease please/
Be cruel, prick! Be petty/
I’ll get dates for you for beating, (take the cake)
help you find hos, and lead this war/
SPANNER
So, I’m turning around and cheering my leader/
I’m a spanner and mad for her beaver/
HAMMER
I’m mad, hammering now, and cheering my leader/
I’m a hammer and mad for her beaver/
NADIA sighs.
NADIA
I guess Cera’s a cheesy pop sensation now. And she has the dumbest men of the island wrapped around her finger. Personally, I prefer to be wrapped around fingers.
SOFIA
Yep. So does she.
We see CERA’s having sex with HAMMER and NAIL.
NADIA
Well, they may be having stupid sex, but that doesn’t mean our sex is stupid, or that sex is stupid. Just that Cera’s having sex with tools she wants to use to invade a country like she’s Hitler. In short, this really isn’t looking too good.
Worst sex ever.
INT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY CABIN – DAY
SARAH PALIN is inspecting some ten-foot dildos given to her by a representative of the nearest oil company.
SARAH
So, the Russians think they’re smarter than us when it comes to making rockets. Well, we can kill two birds with one stone (hopefully Russian) by turning these dildos the oil man gave us into rockets and sending them to Little Diomede. Cera will see how beautiful penises are, and the Russians will see how beautiful our rockets are.
STEVE looks at his penis.
SARAH (cont’d)
Not yours! Put it away.
STEVE tucks his dick back into his pants.
STEVE
Sorry. I was thinking about the launch. My mind wandered.
He accidentally lights his dick on fire.
STEVE
Ahhhhhhh! My dick’s on fire! Call nine . . . one one.
SARAH
I thought there were two ones in the number.
STEVE
Ahhhhh! Blow me against a wall!
SARAH
Okay. There’s only oil-filled dildos here, but they’ll do.
SARAH runs over to STEVE and puts her back against a massive dildo.
STEVE
Noooooo!
SARAH puts his burning penis in her mouth.
Her lips catch fire.
Now, the OIL MAN appears.
OIL MAN
We knew this would happen.
Before SARAH can burst into flames, the OIL MAN covers her in foam from an extinguisher.
STEVE
Thank god you came.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER – DAY
Still, all are still but for their arms moving as they ostensibly try to move arms quickly to the colonies on the island made up of maybe a single man each, all of them single and staring every single second at their leader: CERA.
They sing like folk singers working on a railroad, though still to the tune of Cheerleader.
RAILROAD SPIKE
Peace talks sound like yodels/
We have a mission so these hippies should be toppled. Get snares/
Their lines are ripped by our struts/
In lines we strut. We’re ripped rock!/
Hippies’ lines are so pathetic/
Fuck them when they come along/
Should gays stay?/
CERA
No, don’t lease please/
Be cruel, prick! Be petty/
I’ll get dates for you for beating, (take the cake)
help you find hos, and lead this war/
RAILROAD SPIKE
I’m as sharp as profound pieces of lit-ra-ture/
At least ac-cord-ing to our own scripture/
So, I’m fucking the ground and cheering my leader/
I’m a spike and I’m mad for her beaver/
NADIA sighs.
SOFIA
They look like they’re preparing for war. They’re making weapons. We’re not even at war with anybody.
NADIA
Cera hates a lot of people. I’m pretty sure it’s because she prefers to build an army than actually get to know anyone a little different to her.
JULIA
Smmmmmph wmmmph oomph.
SOFIA
North American hospitality indeed.
INT. ALASKAN BROWN BEAR TERRITORY CABIN – DAY
SARAH PALIN is drunk, and drawing flames on STEVE’s head.
SARAH
Tell me, wise Steve, if the media cover this match, will it be with oil? I want the pesky commies to really see me, you see.
STEVE
What match? I told you my head is not a soccer ball! And they will probably use cameras, not oil.
SARAH starts treating STEVE’s head like a drum, using matches for drumsticks.
SARAH
My match! We need to make big fireballs. That way the Russians will know we struck oil first. We’re winning. Always winning. And they’re cold and lonely and stupid. And they smell funny, like they’re not bathing in oil like we are. I want them to see Alaska on fire.
STEVE
But are you not concerned they may get the wrong idea?
SARAH
What! That we’re not a nation rich in oil, proudly displaying our wealth?
STEVE
Well, yeah. They may think that Alaska’s on fire.
SARAH laughs.
SARAH
Yes. They would be that silly. Alaska’s on earth, not fire. They can’t even comprehend the basic elements: earth, fire, wind, and water. They are so intellectually backward. They probably put everything they can see on their silly periodic table: gold, silver, copper, aluminium, tin. Their tables are probably full of worthless junk. We’ll win match after match, and they’ll see every flame we make. And they’ll never turn the tables coz they haven’t even invented the wheel yet, and they can’t drive. Stupid dumb Russians. We need to set fire to our oil or they won’t know that they’re stupid and dumb.
STEVE
Maybe we should just do one thing at a time. We’ll launch our massive dildos and see how the people of Little Diomede respond when these crash into their island.
SARAH
They will admire us, no doubt. And my daughter will love dicks again, like people loved Nixon, that Dick Nixon. We need to show her how much each of us can look like a Dick with a capital D. Oh! We need to be inside the giant dildos!
STEVE
Again, let’s just go ahead with the original plan first. We don’t want to get too ambitious.
SARAH
Sorry. I forget that I’m too smart sometimes. It could scare people.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER – DAY
CERA is standing on top of a car. And the thing about cars on these islands is they’re stationary. Stationary’s good, like stationery. There’s something to write about, like the dove-like marks hands occasionally make on frosted windscreens as occupants make love.
CERA is speaking to a crowd of tool-like men, ten of them.
CERA
I see that the hippies here think that cars are for parking, and parking alone. Well, I say we get things moving. I say we put oil into these cars.
PHILOSOPHER
This is preposterous! We have no roads. Why waste oil? Cars are a place to think. They’re where we listen to music. They’re where we make love to our lovers. We don’t need them to move. We’re moving enough, even more than we would be otherwise. We’re exercising.
CERA laughs.
CERA
Does this sound like a real man? A real man wants oil in his automobile. A real man will perform donuts regardless of space.
SPANNER
Yeah! Tough man can turn! We turn!
CERA
If you wanna impress me, you’ll dig these cars out of the snow, and you’ll perform the best, loudest, craziest donuts you’ve ever performed. And you’ll use the most oil you possibly can. Fuck possibly getting a can of it, you’ll get barrels and barrels of the shit! Now dig until the sky falls down . . . or it rains oil.
The dumber men all cheer.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE PERIMETER – DUSK
As night begins to fall, looking like oil, so do massive dildos on fire, looking like missiles.
CERA runs out of a building and points up at the sky.
CERA
They’re dicks! They’re massive pricks! We’re under attack by massive pricks! We must shoot in the direction they’re coming from. Men! Arm yourselves with weapons!
They can’t hear her. They’re in their cars. She points at the Bering Strait between the States and Little Diomede. And they all drive into the water. Idiots!
CERA sighs.
CERA
Arrrrrrgh! We need to attack. Attack the people attacking us! Anybody!?
ABBY MARTIN, from Russia Today appears by CERA’s side.
ABBY
Ahhh. You can almost feel the anger Cera feels, can you not? She believes she is under attack by Russians, I’m sure.
CERA
Yes. Of course! The commie scum are attacking our island! We must shoot to kill. Arm yourself woman. Stop reporting and fight! Fight!
ABBY
But, you see dear, you are not even looking in the direction of Russia.
CERA
What? That’s nonsense.
CERA points at Alaska.
CERA (cont’d)
The dildo missiles are coming from there. So that is Russia! Are you stupid?
ABBY
No no dear. That is Alaska. I thought I should come here to tell you that it is your mother dropping the dildos on the island. Now, I don’t think you want to shoot your mother now do you?
CERA’s stunned.
CERA
Wha . . . what? Mommy? But we’re at war with . . .
CERA turns around. A group of peaceful Russians are standing behind her, waving ‘hello/privyet’. And an East Siberian brown bear.
CERA points at the bear.
CERA
That’s Allah!
ABBY
No no no. It’s an East Siberian brown bear.
CERA
It’s Allah in disguise!
The East Siberian brown bear removes its costume. It’s a smaller East Siberian brown bear. You know how it is with matryoshka dolls.
ABBY
Nope. Still a bear.
Again the bear removes a layer of bear, and more layers, until he cannot even be seen by the naked eye.
ABBY (cont’d)
He’s smaller than a nanoparticle now. If he’s Allah then we’ll need a scientist to figure it out. Anyway, that’s trivial. Can we focus now on not attacking Alaska? Sarah Palin has lost her mind again. I think you should just talk to your mom.
ABBY hands CERA a megaphone.
CERA nods. She puts it to her mouth.
CERA
Je suis Mommy!
A dildo missile pauses mid-air. It softens. All the incoming dildos do.
ABBY
Good. I’ve stopped the Palins from destroying America. For now. I’m Abby Martin, reporting from Little Diomede for Russia Today.
FIN
FADE OUT.
******
- RT: Russia Today
https://www.rt.com
- OMI - Cheerleader (Felix Jaehn Remix) [Official Video] (2015, April 8)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGflUbPQfW8
[The lyrics in the above episode are to the tune of this song.]
EPISODE 2: KOCHS EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE - MORNING
RANDY – a mature age student – is walking around the classroom, rapping, and miming being trapped in a box.
RANDY
I've an open door policy/
I leave it open for the hordes against authority/
I'm left with the remains of a wall where the door would be/
I fall through a glass ceiling/floor like I'm a hoarder of a trail of shards set'lin'/
Find me on the ground like I'm barred from uprising/
Bars rise up and hit me in the nuts like I'm with nuts on a bar/
Cut! Pun's too hard,
so your teeth join the shards, like they're glue. Too smart?/
I was too far from Allah so I punched him in the heart 'til I jump-started it/
If you want a part of mine treat fucking as a starter's kit/
The best treat's fucking and it's sweet when a meeting starts with it/
I don't need meat in a starting dish/
I wanna be a waiter. I can't wait to diss the orderers of meat dishes; a school of weak fishes who swim together like they're heaps pissed sheep/
I heaps wish this wish to be a big fish leaks like I insist it might: quick as light/
Sit tight like a mime with his wrists tied/
And hear my rhymes like . . .
RANDY’s now like a fish on the ground, flapping about and what not.
TEACHARE
Well, Randy, as nice as your rap is, this is a class for making glass upon which we can place teacups and bongs, so around these tables we can bond. If you wanna be a waiter then you may have to wait until this class is finished.
RANDY
Nope. That sounds like hospitality. I think I’m in the right class.
TEACHARE
Very well then. In that case, welcome. And I hope you will entertain us intermittently throughout the course with your rhyming. Otherwise no one will film us.
She stares at the ‘camera’ for a painfully long period of time.
Everyone takes a seat.
NADIA, JULIA, SOFIA, and – surprisingly – CERA are all present.
TEACHARE (cont’d)
Well, I’m very glad so many of you are here for my class on blowing. We’ll be making glass, glassblowing, of course.
A strange, peculiar man stands up.
STRANGE MAN
Oooooooh. Coz I thought . . .
TEACHARE
Well, no. It’s not that.
STRANGE MAN
Yeah. Yeah, I know. Coz I thought . . .
TEACHARE
You were quite wrong sir.
STRANGE MAN
Wrong I was indeed. Coz I thought . . .
He touches his lips.
TEACHARE
With all due respect, sir, I have made it clear on numerous occasions throughout the last minute that you were sadly mistaken.
STRANGE MAN
Yes. This is true. Because this ‘scene’, if you will, would have surely otherwise had a happy ending. If you know what I mean.
TEACHARE
I do know what you mean, and I believe I have made it perfectly clear that what you expected this class to be is not what it in fact is.
STRANGE MAN
Ahhh, yes. Of this I am aware. But a rumor was heard by yours truly that led me to believe that coming to and attending this class would involve the opposite of going. Sounds logical, does it not?
TEACHARE
But, you must know, rumors are merely rumors and loose lips sink ships.
STRANGE MAN
I believe a demonstration may be required before my ship can set sail.
TEACHARE
I am not going to suck your penis, sir. But you can either stay or fuck off depending on whether you happen to be interested in blowing yourself.
STRANGE MAN
Suck my penis? No, no, no. I thought this was a class on ASMR!
TEACHARE
Oh.
CERA
Awkward! Better suck his penis before things get really awkward.
TEACHARE
No. But I do think, because we all love cock, that our first project will be the creation of a glass cock.
Some guy raises his hand.
SOME GUY
I’m not too keen on cock.
TEACHARE
Nonsense, my dear. Everybody loves cock. It’s in the constitution: The Times, Places and Manner of holding [Erections] for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each State by the Legislature thereof
– that’s pretty much a direct quote. Cocks wake us up in the morning on farms. Ask any of our wonderful farmers in the Deep South. It’s in the Ten Commandments even: Thou shalt have no other gods before me
– so we should all hold god’s penis and fuck Him and then hold others’. And we, of course, see Him in who we desire. When you think about it, cocks control everything we do. We must take power back by controlling cocks.
NADIA
Yeah. We need cock-shaped bongs.
TEACHARE
Yes! What a beautiful idea. Wave your cock-shaped wand and make one appear.
NADIA
Um . . . It may be more logical to make them, since this is a glassblowing class and all.
TEACHARE
Oh but of course. How silly of me. Yes students, we will make cock bongs this semester. So, if you’re not happy to be in this class, it will soon look like you are with these glass cocks in front of you.
EXT. LITTLE DIOMEDE BAY – DUSK
Somewhere on a seemingly shy side of the bay lurk a few guys with their heads down like they’re undercover. They’re somewhat droopy like unexcited cocks.
RANDY is strolling nearby.
The COCKs become excited.
They cock their heads to one side and so become stiff like they’re guns (hired, perhaps).
They waddle over to RANDY. RANDY’s holding a small glass cock.
DAVID COCK
Ahhhh, homeboy, youwannascore?
CHARLES COCK
Wego’wha’you neeeeed. We go’, we go’ lotsa wha’ya neeeeed.
RANDY is stunned.
RANDY
Whoa! Who . . . who are you guys? Where did you come from?
DAVID COCK
Nah. Nah. Don’t matter. Tha’don’matter.
RANDY
Look, I just came out here to practice my rap in peace. I don’t want any trouble.
CHARLES COCK
Oh, yourap? Yeh. Welikey, we likedarap. Youwannascore? Yeh?
RANDY
Oh. No no no. I don’t do drugs.
DAVID COCK
No. No drugs. Youwancash? We giv’youdacash! Youwancash?
They bump into him like cocks being used for turkey slapping.
RANDY
What do you mean?
DAVID COCK
Money. Cash!
He pulls hundred dollar bills from his pockets.
CHARLES COCK
Wegotdacash! Cash!
ADAM LAMBERT passes by. He’s singing.
ADAM LAMBERT
Whataya want from me?
RANDY
Yeah. What he said. What do you want from me?
DAVID COCK
Huh?
RANDY
I mean whataya
wan fromme?
CHARLES COCK
Oh. Wegotdacasssssh! We giv youdacash if you put oil in that glassy thingy. Make it to shoot upinair. Make everyone say ‘ahhhhh!’. Make everyone saydey likey likey da oil!
DAVID COCK
And you rap too. You rapbout goodoil. Make people likey likey da oil!
RANDY
You’ll pay me? To say oil is good?
DAVID COCK
We givyoudacash. Yeh. A thousand.
CHARLES COCK
Two. Two thousand.
DAVID COCK
No. Three.
CHARLES COCK
Four.
DAVID COCK
Five! Five now, fivalater.
He licks his lips.
CHARLES COCK
Yeeeeh. Takdacash.
CHARLES COCK throws the money at RANDY.
DAVID COCK
You tell nobody that youtakedacash!
Nobody!
CHARLES and DAVID make a slurp noise, like cocks consuming their own ejaculate. They scamper off into the night.
RANDY looks at the cash. He adjusts his attire so he looks all gangsta, like 50 CENT.
RANDY
I got da wad now, bitches!
INT. RANDY AND SANDY’S SANDY CAVE – NIGHT
RANDY walks with a skip in his step to the nearest resting place: his abode.
He flips a switch to switch on the television to view the latest hits, like a politician watching an army he helped position in some pits.
REDFOO is singing . . . something about a bottle.
REDFOO
Bottles. Bottles. Bottles.
He’s picking up bottles and hitting himself on the head with them, and they’re turning into gold coins.
REDFOO
I eat bottles. I eat bottles. I eat fish. I eat bottle-fish!
He’s knocked into a bottle of water by a bottle and starts swimming like a bottle fish with bottle fish and ends up eating one.
REDFOO
Oh shit! I did!
RANDY
Hmmmmmm. What can I learn from this fine performance?
He scratches his head. He strains. He groans. He picks up a bottle and smashes it on his head.
RANDY (cont’d)
Ahhhhh! I got it!
He begins to spit.
RANDY (cont’d)
Soil’s like a boil/
Let’s get oil that be in da pits/
Toil through da soil to get oil for da thrill of it/
Fuck the muthafuckers who get ill from this!/
Riches are for those who dig/
Diggy diggy diggy. Put your dicks into the thick of it/
Champagne bitches! Champagne! Champagne!/
Make the earth burp!/
Campaign to find the earth’s veins and to slit its fuckin’ wrists!/
Oil oil oil for the royalty. Face it: all our faces don’t got boils. As we see, our oil’s really free!/
We’re rich when the earth has pores. Don’t pore on that, just go explore, and hoard the oil, get it all, and pour it into massive champagne glasses that you’ll store indoors, and then get more and more and more, for cars, for doing donuts more/
Eat donuts more!/
We’ll get it all/
We’ll be rich like Redfoo’s red food when he’s mixed it with some borscht/
And rise up like his spew when he gets wind of how it’s menstrual blood straight from a chick he saw/
We hear SANDY.
SANDY (V.O.)
Randy! What the fuck are you ranting about? Get to bed!
RANDY
Yes dear!
INT. LITTLE DIOMEDE COLLEGE – MORNING
Again class has commenced.
RANDY shocks everyone by getting everyone wet by rudely spraying them with a high pressure hose as he enters the room.
TEACHARE
What the fuck are you doing Randy?
RANDY
What if it was oil?/
Water’s just like rice/
Oil’s like a soy sauce that can make it fuckin’ nice/
You’d be seeing rainbows whenever you see the light/
Somewhere over rainbows is more oil. Add it to the sight/
A fight ‘bout oil’s beautiful: it’s Festival of Colors
-like/
RANDY points to an image of the Festival of Colors
at Spanish Fork in Utah.
RANDY (cont’d)
They worship fuckin’ oil rigs in Paris/
One lights up at night!/
He points to an image of the Paris Eiffel Tower at night.
RANDY (cont’d)
If you like a fire truck for fires,
think: an oil truck’s for fire trucks or fire trucks look tired/
He starts running around squirting everyone with water.
RANDY (cont’d)
Oil oil oil/
Let’s put oil in dicks we design/
Oil looks like Vegemite,
and Aussie’s say ‘that’s folate, mate’/
So oil’s fuckin’ awesome, ey?/
NADIA stands up.
NADIA
Are you crazy, Randy? Oil is not awesome. Who have you been talking to?
RANDY looks around, looking scared.
The COCKs are at the window. They quickly disappear.
RANDY
Uh . . . no one. But we should totally put oil in everything everywhere always.
CERA
Whooooo! Yeah! Oil for life!
NADIA
Oh shit!
CERA
What? Everyone always says people shouldn’t be sitting around on their asses, not moving. So we should sit around on our asses, moving. We should be driving. How many people here can drive?
No one can.
NADIA
Cera, we don’t need to drive. We live on a tiny island. Moving cars are totally unnecessary.
CERA
You hear that, everyone? Nadia thinks moving is unnecessary. So we should just stay where we are? We shouldn’t smash the glass ceiling? We should stay in traffic jams our whole life instead of exploring our land to find oil jam?
NADIA
That’s not what I meant, and you know it.
TEACHARE
We must have a vote. Who wants to put oil into our glass dildos?
The class cheers.
JULIA
Oooommph arrrrrgh. Sooooorrreeeee!
SOFIA
Yes, that’s wise Julia. Oil is a sauce – a source of unnecessary global conflict. But no one can understand you.
EXT. SARAH PALIN’S ALASKAN SHACK – AFTERNOON
Some distance from the Big and Little Diomedes is a continent. SARAH PALIN is not. She is not continent at the moment.
She’s taking a massive shit and staring at herself in the mirror.
SARAH
I got it! I know what to do. Steve! Come here!
STEVE appears at the door.
SARAH groans as shit hits the water. It would seem she is a little continent.
STEVE
How can I assist you, madam?
SARAH
Little Diomede is only a little continent. We need to enclose it in a giant glass dome fitted with cameras and watch as our boys – the Cocks – civilize the lonely island. Then we can show America how beautiful oil is. And let them know that our shit doesn’t stink.
STEVE’s face is red. He’s holding his breath.
SARAH (cont’d)
Steve. You have not commenced your obligatory reply to my profound statement. Steve! Steve!
STEVE opens his mouth before fainting.
INT. NADIA’S LITTLE DIOMEDIAN MEETING HAVEN – AFTERNOON
Meanwhile, on Little Diomede, NADIA, JULIA, and SOFIA are watching – through a window – as CERA and RANDY gather large, massive rainbow balls filled with