Ignite Your Power: Unmasking the Five Faces of Anger

By Eve Dyer

Fire up your personal power to block manipulation and bullying, and create the life you want.

Do you agree just to keep the peace, or say Yes when you want to say No?

Sarah's caring nature and her longing for a loving, intact family have pushed her to meet her fam

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eve Dyer Consulting Pty Ltd
• Release date: Nov 26, 2019
• ISBN: 9780648574811

Eve Dyer

For seventeen years, clinical psychologist Eve Dyer has assisted clients to empower themselves and change their lives. By identifying the multiple factors underlying power and anger, she identified nine capabilities that reliably enable women to assert themselves and their rights.

Book preview

Praise for Eve Dyer

Eve and I can boast over forty years of friendship, not always intense and some years passed with only occasional contact. But testimony to our enduring friendship and respect for each other, is that we have come together again at this marvelous time of personal maturity.

I first met Eve when she was part of the emerging information technology industry embroiled in software and project management. Some might say the IT industry was a safety zone for Eve, albeit with the complexities of contractual pressures and competing interests. The IT world was a place to suppress her writing talents and innate ability to empathise with the spectrum of life’s struggles and disappointments.

How easy it would have been to stay in the logical ‘safe’ world of IT, but as the inspiring Maya Angelou stated: ‘There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you’.* After some efforts to travel the predictable pathways of life, which thankfully included the glorious role of motherhood, the authentic Eve, began to emerge. I can testify to the incredible efforts required by Eve to stay motivated while navigating normalcy in her family life. Eve’s academic achievements and subsequent successful clinical practice in a field so remote from the impersonal predictability of IT, epitomizes her strength of character.

Although the blossoming of our long friendship has been interrupted at times, Eve has often been my confidant particularly in those very difficult early years. When we first met, when we were both a long way from our respective home country, we were ready for a ‘fresh start’ in this promising land of hope. However, we soon realised the truism that everyone is the sum of all their experiences, good and bad. Past life experience can either be taken as immoveable boulders blocking the pathway to a future or, building blocks constructing a new and better life. Gladly we are both builders, and grew to believe in our self-worth, as is so evident in Eve’s writing and her first publication Ignite Your Power.

Congratulations Eve.

—Your immensely proud friend, Dr Deborah Prior

Angelou, M. (1984). I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. London, UK: Virago Press Ltd.

Praise for Ignite your Power

Eve has distilled her professional experience as a clinical psychologist and her rich personal experience into a passionate and accessible guide to negotiating complex, difficult and destructive relationships. She provides both a framework for understanding the psychopathology and personality disturbance that often underlies such relationships and practical strategies for healthy responses to the associated challenges.

These are woven into compelling stories about the lives of people trapped in damaging relationships and the means by which they not only survived but thrived by actively taking on the challenges.

While the focus of this book is primarily on the experiences and responses of women in relationships, it is a book that men will find equally valuable. Men are often unprepared and devastated when relationships break down. This book has the potential to transform the lives of such men through greater self-awareness as well as a deeper understanding of the emotional impact they have on their partners.

—Adj. Prof. Robert King, PhD

Since reading Eve’s book, I have come to understand why I had trouble finding that middle ground of an assertive stance with loved ones. The examples in Ignite your Power really helped me to understand why a certain person lashes out quite illogically at times, and how I could react to that assertively. I am now standing up for myself more. Being someone who has experienced violence in past times, I only wish I had read this book earlier.

—J. Lancaster

Ignite Your Power title page

First published 2019 by Independent Ink

PO Box 1638, Carindale

Queensland 4152 Australia

independentink.com.au

Copyright © Eve Dyer 2019

The moral right of the author to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted.

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the Australian Copyright Act 1968, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior written permission from the publisher. All enquiries should be made to the author.

Edited by Jennifer Lancaster

Cover design by Abintra Creations

Internal design by Independent Ink

Typeset by Post Pre-press Group, Brisbane

Cover image: Camille Whitehead

ISBN 978-0-6485748-0-4 (paperback)

ISBN 978-0-6485748-1-1 (epub)

ISBN 978-0-6485748-3-5 (pdf)

ISBN 978-0-6485748-2-8 (kindle)

Disclaimer:

The material in this book is provided for information purposes only. The experiences discussed in this book may not necessarily be the same as the reader’s experience. The reader should consult with his or her personal legal, financial and other advisors before utilising the information contained in this book. The author and the publisher assume no responsibility for any damages or losses incurred during or as a result of following this information.

Contents

Praise for Eve Dyer

Praise for Ignite your Power

Title page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Foreword

Preface

Part 1: Recognising the Different Angers

1 The Five Faces of Anger

2 The Power of Assertive Anger

3 The Angers in Action

Part 2: Losing Access to Assertive Anger

4 The Importance of a Resilient Foundation

5 Beliefs Can Restrict or Empower You

6 Developing Patterns of Emotion, Thought, and Behaviour

Part 3: Developing Nine Capabilities to Activate Assertive Anger

7 Nine Capabilities Activate Assertive Anger

8 Reinforcing Your Foundation

9 Attaining Independence

10 Wielding Your Power

11 Fortifying Your Boundaries

12 Regaining Your Equilibrium

13 Intervening Between Your Reaction and Response

14 Responding Using Four Modes

15 Disarming Manipulation

16 Shaping Your Life … With Decisions

Part 4: Converting Angers Arising From Vulnerability

17 Converting Your Defensive Anger

18 How Clients Converted Their Defensive Anger

19 Protecting Yourself Against Defensive Anger

20 Converting Your Suppressed Anger

21 How Clients Converted Their Suppressed Anger

22 Protecting Yourself Against Suppressed Anger

Part 5: Protecting Against Angers Arising From Entitlement

23 Identifying and Reducing Narcissistic Anger

24 Protecting Yourself Against Narcissistic Anger

25 How Clients Protected Against Narcissistic Anger

26 Identifying Destructive Anger

27 Staying with Partners Who Use Destructive Anger

28 Protecting Yourself Against Destructive Anger

Part 6: Continuing Your Journey

29 The Essential Relationships

30 Next Steps

Acknowledgements

About the Author

References

Index

This book is dedicated to all women who live with self-doubt, anxiety, depression, or fear; those who struggle to speak up to assert themselves and their rights. Those who are thoughtful, loving, and empathic and put the needs of others ahead of their own.

May you break free from the patterns of thought, belief, and emotion that restrict your power. May you strengthen your self-belief so that you can powerfully reshape your life as you choose.

This book is also dedicated to my clients, who have taught me so much. They allowed me into the dark, painful places of their lives, while they courageously explored and then conquered the ravages of past hurts. Overcoming these hurts enabled them to rebuild themselves and their lives.

Foreword

It is a rare individual who has not experienced feelings of anger, either within themselves or as victims of anger inflicted by others. If, like me, you are amongst the majority who have been the victim of anger that left you disempowered by depression, anxiety, and in other ways emotionally damaged, this book is for you. Eve’s book offers a path to understanding the faces of anger and ways to reignite your personal power.

In her book Ignite Your Power, Eve introduces us to the ‘Five Faces of Anger’; it is a relief to learn there is a good anger included, identified as Assertive Anger. The experience of Assertive Anger is empowering as it enables us to ‘stand-up for our rights’ while respecting the rights of the other. Most people have a life’s journey marked by layers of the negative angers defined in Eve’s book as: Defensive Anger, Suppressed Anger, Narcissistic Anger and Destructive Anger, with varying degrees of negativity and even danger.

I related strongly to Eve’s description and effects of Destructive Anger, which I endured throughout my childhood. I now understand how the Destructive Anger permeated every aspect of my family life. The origin of this anger were layers of unresolved anger my father experienced in a desperately unhappy and traumatic childhood. And, as is so often the case, the recipient of this Destructive Anger was my mother and, in fact, the whole household. Not only did my mother suffer as a victim of the anger, it affected the whole mood in the household; one knew on entering the house if the tension was there, not good at all, and sometimes even threatening.

In reading Eve’s book, Ignite your Power: Unmasking the Five Faces of Anger, I recognised all the faces of anger in my family dynamics: my mother’s Defensive Anger as a consequence of being bullied by her mother, and her Suppressed Anger to protect our family, to keep the peace and so forth. Even the behaviour of my siblings, I now understand as a form of Narcissistic Anger.

So, for me, Eve’s book put into words, the tone of our home and the environment of my childhood. My mother may not have learned the empowerment of Assertive Anger, but there is a happy ending to my parents’ relationship, in that while they separated in later life, their love for each other developed into a compatibility that was companionable and safe.

What were the consequences of growing up in an environment of such anger? Well, in the absence of understanding the faces of anger, most of us developed into angry people, to varying degrees. Personally, I have benefited from therapy that helped me to learn how to direct anger into positive energy – what Eve identifies as Assertive Anger. This positive energy has often driven me as a legal advocate, fighting for social justice reforms in my profession as a lawyer. When undertaking my law degree, people close to me were astonished by my lack of self-confidence, because I concealed it with an aura of wit and skill. That is how people learn to cope when damaged from growing-up in an environment of anger.

So, you see, Eve’s book has taken me, as a reader, on a journey of self-recognition and fascination, as we are sometimes always trying to unravel our past and the reasons for our emotional wounds, self-inflicted or otherwise.

Eve does not, in her book, leave us merely in a state of ‘Ah-hah, that was why that happened’. She, through various case studies, states the problem and leads us through the methods she has used to help patients overcome their fears and self-doubts. Eve clearly sets out the ways to self-empowerment and the joy of self-realisation for women who had suffered from brutal treatment in varying degrees from their partners/husbands. Her book is also a textbook for other therapists in clearly defining the importance of understanding Anger as a sometimes fatal undertone to human relationships.

I congratulate Eve on her significant contribution to the practice of psychology and a guide for those experiencing anger in their lives. In essence: We all ‘deserve a life free from self-doubt, fear, and harm. You can break free from the constraints of past experiences and current restrictions to fortify your strengths and talents, so you can make your needs and life purpose your priority’, the words with which Eve ends her book.

Thank you, Eve Dyer!

Di Fingleton

Treasurer Lyceum Club Brisbane

Former Chief Magistrate of Queensland

Preface

Who this book is for

Do you struggle to speak up during an argument? Do you please others so they’ll like you? Perhaps you prefer to seek approval instead of making your own decisions … or feel wounded by hurtful treatment but don’t know how to prevent it.

If you do these or anything similar, this book was written for you and for other women who want to reduce their self-doubt, anxiety, stress, depression, or unhappiness. Caring, thoughtful women are often sought out by people who are manipulative, harmful, or domineering: those who use deliberate strategies to get what they want regardless of the harm they cause.

You’ll discover how to overcome the doubts, fears, and restrictive beliefs that stifle your power. First, you’ll learn how to identify the five forms of anger and which ones you and the people in your life use. The one constructive and protective form of anger is Assertive anger. Assertive anger can range from a firm No to survival force action. There are two angers that stifle genuine power: Defensive anger and Suppressed anger. There are two angers that are used to manipulate, bully, or dominate: Narcissistic and Destructive anger. By identifying which angers people use, you can tailor your responses to them.

When you identify what suppresses your personal power, you can strengthen nine personal skills and capabilities. You’ll learn to reconnect yourself to your self-belief and determination, so you can activate your Assertive anger and thus empower yourself.

Your journey of change

Like the people whose stories are told within these pages, if you want to increase your personal power so you can assert yourself and protect your rights, you’ll find that you are capable of profound, enduring change. By identifying the relationship between power and the five forms of anger, you can replace disempowering thoughts, emotions, and behaviours with empowering ones. These will generate the clarity and conviction to activate your Assertive anger so you can shape your life as you choose. Ignite Your Power aims to awaken that which is already within you.

Your journey begins with your first step – seeking answers. You are on your way.

Personal power and anger

As a clinical psychologist in private practice for over fifteen years, I have been privileged to share the journeys of more than one thousand clients. I have assisted them in healing their emotional and psychological wounds, often caused during childhood but sometimes caused during adulthood. Many of these clients are capable, sensitive, and caring people who were struggling with criticisms, manipulation, or aggression from their loved ones. Overwhelmed by their distress, many lost their confidence and self-belief because they blamed themselves for their problems. To avoid conflict and rejection, they ignored their own needs while trying to meet the needs of others. However, stifling their voice prevented them from speaking out against unwanted treatment.

I spent over thirteen years examining the multifaceted aspects of self-esteem, self-doubt, individuality, independence, power, submission, manipulation, anger, control, and aggression. I explored why people suppressed their power and how even a usually passive person could reliably activate their Assertive anger when needed.

During therapy, my clients learned about power and identified what stopped them using their own personal power to speak up. When they recognised and resolved the doubts, hurts, and fears caused by past harms, they developed nine capabilities that reliably activated their Assertive anger. Thus, they achieved enduring personal change.

The way the book is written

This book reflects the journey of clients who attend psychotherapy, so it’s written in everyday language. It draws from my clinical psychology studies, extensive reading and professional development, my own life experiences, and my work as a clinical psychologist.

To illustrate the book’s solutions and strategies, it follows the journey of Sarah, a composite client who represents many women who sought therapy to overcome their anxiety, stress, depression, or unhappiness. Neither Sarah nor any of the other characters in this book represent any particular person or client, but are composed from my professional encounters and experiences with clients who presented with similar issues from similar causes. The actions of those who are represented in this book exemplify behaviours that I either observed or have been told in my practice.

I have also created fictional characters to provide examples of behaviours and have differentiated them by giving the couples the same initial, e.g. Beryl and Brian.

This book has been written mainly from a woman’s perspective because more women than men have difficulty asserting themselves. This avoids unwieldy wording such as his/her, she/he, etc. However, the suggestions apply equally to men … because women can also be manipulative, controlling, and aggressive.

Part 1

Recognising the Different Angers

1

The Five Faces of Anger

Anger: helpful and harmful

Gordon yelled, ‘You’re always nagging me or the kids to help you. I’m sick of you being so disorganised and not keeping up with the housework.’ He and their teenage son and daughter left the house without saying goodbye. Sarah’s eyes welled with tears; she felt defeated.

Gordon’s Narcissistic anger is one of the harmful forms of anger. Those who desire control use anger to manipulate or intimidate people, often their partners. The news media report daily on the fallout of domestic violence: women and men harmed by their partners, who are experiencing confusion, despair, or fear.

Many of us face hurtful or harmful attacks from our partner yet we stay. For some of us, the criticism or frequent insults erode our self-esteem until we believe we are the problem. We dare not leave and dare not challenge it because we have lost our self-belief and confidence, and access to the one protective anger: Assertive anger.

Anger can be more than a weapon to manipulate, dominate, or wound. Assertive anger provides a powerful, protective force that ignites when we face potential harm. It empowers us to stand up for our rights, demand justice, and oppose bullying and abuse.

Feeling defeated and confused

Sarah arrives fifteen minutes early at my psychology clinic, situated an hour north of Brisbane in Queensland, Australia. The cool rooms with deep blue furnishings and cream walls provide relief from the blazing sun and humidity outside. Tranquil music, waiting area magazines, and the receptionist’s welcome all soften the anxiety of clients attending therapy for the first time.

Sarah sits forward in the recliner in my therapy room, her hands gripping her beige handbag, her legs crossed neatly at the ankles. A forty-nine-year-old mother with a teenage son and daughter, she’s attending therapy to overcome her anxiety and depression. Her gathered skirt and floral top are neat, but neither her clothes nor her haircut match her youthful manner. Her searching eyes contrast with her friendly smile.

Sarah says: ‘I have a wonderful marriage and I love my husband, Gordon. He works so hard as a supervisor in a manufacturing firm, it’s no wonder he’s stressed and gets angry quickly. But I can’t stop thinking about the affair he had two years ago, though we’ve talked and talked about it. He denied it for months and blamed me for being insecure, until he finally admitted it. At relationship counselling, he promised he would never stop making it up to me so I could trust him again, but he stopped being thoughtful after only three weeks. Now he gets angry if I tell him how I’m feeling. And I worry about how much he chats with his friends on Facebook, especially the young women. Is it me? Am I as jealous and controlling as he says?’

Sarah felt on edge around Gordon. She struggled to keep the house running smoothly while ferrying her two teenagers to school and sports, and working as a part-time florist. When she could no longer cope with her distress, she saw her doctor. He prescribed the same antidepressants she’d used when she first discovered Gordon’s affair. She agreed to see a clinical psychologist.

What prevents this capable woman from standing up to her husband and asking for what she needs? We’ll explore this soon.

The five faces of anger

Anger fuels power. It can be viewed as having five different faces. Each arises from a combination of our personality traits, all of our experiences since birth – whether positive or negative – and many other influences, including our self-belief, confidence, and vulnerabilities.

The five forms of anger are:

Assertive anger – the only constructive anger

Defensive anger and Suppressed anger – these arise from vulnerability

Narcissistic anger and Destructive anger – these arise from an inflated sense of entitlement.

The anger we use in a specific situation depends on our motivation, such as to please, negotiate, manipulate, or conquer.

Assertive anger empowers us to stand up for our rights while considering the rights of others. It emboldens us to refuse unreasonable demands and to protect ourselves from harm. We can hold true to our values even when others oppose us.

Defensive anger springs up when someone’s words pierce our emotional wounds. Overwhelmed by fear, hurt, grief, or shame, we strike out verbally.

Suppressed anger builds when we don’t speak out against hurtful or harmful treatment because we fear conflict or rejection. However, our Suppressed anger festers until one more hurt causes an outburst, after which we probably apologise, feel guilty, and suppress our anger again.

Narcissistic anger arises from our belief that we are superior and are entitled to preferential treatment. If our demands are not met, we explode with an intensity out of proportion to the situation, much like a drama queen. We pay back those who we believe have mistreated us.

Destructive anger arises from the distorted beliefs that we have the right to control and dominate others. At lower intensity, Destructive anger includes insults, demands, and threats. At higher intensity anger, it is used to intimidate or control by inflicting verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

Anger can switch form

To protect ourselves, we can identify which angers we use and which angers others use towards us. We may respond to a situation using different forms of anger, switching between angers as we identify what is going on. Sophie may use Assertive anger when she discovers her partner has gambled their savings. However, if she becomes terrified because she fears poverty, her Defensive anger will activate. If Sophie says nothing and continues cooking dinner, she uses Suppressed anger. If she hurls insults (or pots), she is using Narcissistic or Destructive anger.

Anger can appear as:

A firm refusal – Assertive

A shrill denial – Defensive

A submissive Yes when we want to say No – Suppressed

A haughty put-down – Narcissistic

A threatening tirade – Destructive.

We may not recognise the different angers, because they can look and sound similar. The harmful angers can be disguised under charm, helpfulness, or tears. By observing our partner’s voice tone and body language as well as the words, we can decipher the implication of a message and identify the anger being used.

Alexander yells at wife, Amanda, ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t got my stuff packed for my business trip! You’ve had all morning. Alan’s not sick. And give up that stupid play-job of yours. Start being a real wife.’

Amanda responds with the two angers that arise from vulnerability as well as Assertive anger.

‘I’m sorry, I … I started, but Alan’s feverish and I’m really worried. I’ll do it right now. It won’t take me long.’ (Suppressed anger)

Or: ‘Why do you always attack me? You think I’m useless at everything, don’t you, just like my parents.’ (Defensive anger)

Or: ‘I have told you I will not drop everything to pack your stuff when you’ve had days to do it. It’s your responsibility. Alan’s running a high temperature, and you’re showing no concern.’ (Assertive anger)

Alexander fires back using the angers that rise from his inflated sense of entitlement.

‘Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m a key executive, and the company can’t run without me. It’s your job to look after Alan. And the house is a mess. I’m leaving. Fix it before I get home.’ (Narcissistic anger)

Or: ‘It’s time you learned your role in this house. To speed up your learning, I’ve cut up the new designer suit that you were going to use for your TV appearance today. From now on, you’ll treat me with the respect I deserve.’ (Destructive anger)

Which response are you likely to use in this situation? And your partner?

Anger fuels power: What you can do

Rather than respond impulsively, you can learn to activate your Assertive anger at the strength needed for each situation. Perhaps you are trapped in the toxic mind games of a partner who uses Destructive anger, or feel obliged to provide endless sympathy to a partner who uses Narcissistic anger. If your partner’s angry words purr, they may disguise manipulation. If he agrees resentfully, he might later inflict subtle payback.

If you are blind to the different layers of meaning in conversations, you may miss your partner’s power plays and ultimately become the victim. If conflict makes you limp away, confused or hurt, you possibly didn’t recognise the manipulation. It’s as if you are a mouse in the clutches of a cat that revels in its superior strength and cunning. The cat enjoys its plaything, flinging it about, pouncing to recapture it, but not to kill and spoil the game. The thrill is heightened when the mouse thinks it has escaped, and its tiny legs scurry to safety – until a paw flashes out and a single claw reels it in. The cat meets its own needs, blind to the feelings and rights of the mouse. The mouse is terrified. The more it struggles to escape, the greater the thrill for the cat. Cats and mice are not the only ones that play that game.

If you don’t notice the power shifts in a tense conversation, you may unwittingly become the mouse. You can protect yourself by developing the skills to detect the plays and to counter them.

The transformation begins …

If you are a sincere, thoughtful, or compassionate person, someone who gives people the benefit of the doubt and hates conflict, you may fall prey to those who deceive, manipulate, or dominate. If you doubt yourself or often feel anxious or stressed, you may struggle to challenge unwanted treatment. If so, this book provides a pathway for you to identify what stifles your power and how you can develop the nine capabilities that transform self-limiting patterns into empowering ones. Fortified with Assertive anger, you will be able to challenge those who disrespect or mistreat you.

Your path to empowerment starts where you are right now. Whether you lack self-confidence, feel powerless, or have tried solutions that have failed, you can empower yourself with Assertive anger.

2

The Power of Assertive Anger

Your survival force

Anger is a powerful emotion, activated by a hair-trigger, but it is not inexplicable. While Assertive anger empowers people to assert their rights and protect themselves, many misuse the power of anger deliberately to gain control over others, and secure the wealth, status, or authority they desire. Instead of protecting their personal rights, they protect their inflated egos and their self-centred demands.

When thirty-four-year-old Rose’s husband Richard rages at her, her whole being freezes with fear. Her terror spikes at his cruel glare. What this time: venomous insults, pushing, hitting? Rose feels tiny, powerless, at the mercy of his domination. Her heart races. Her gut churns. She begs between sobs, hoping her submission will calm him, praying for this to be over, hoping no bones will be broken this time. Her hands cover her ears to stop the lacerating insults. Until … this day … as she cowers, something shifts deep inside – a spark ignites.

New thoughts push through: This isn’t fair. I don’t deserve this. Her trembling stops as her muscles tighten. Now she is no longer paralysed by fear, but straining with strength. She no longer thinks about submitting or trying to please. Her only thought is to fight back, to scream No! and to stop the pain. The spark flares into a flame, filling her with a force she has never felt. Rose’s eyes harden into slits, her lips draw back in a snarl and from deep in her belly emerges a guttural roar. Her body hulks up as she stands tall and thunders, ‘No more!’ Her whole body roars the message: I … mean … what … I … say.

Richard jerks back, shocked, off-guard. Rose fires word-bullets of determination and hatred; the superhuman strength of her survival instinct empowering her. Her mind, ice clear and laser-focused, propels her words and actions. With her body bristling, she shouts the words she has suppressed for years. Then, running out of the house, she phones the police. Rose used Assertive anger at maximum power – survival power.

Activating Assertive anger

Many of us use more than one form of anger. We can direct our Assertive anger in a controlled manner; indeed, Assertive anger used at low levels is equivalent to assertiveness. We may react defensively when emotional wounds are pierced (Defensive anger), suppress our anger until resentment boils over in a short-lived outburst (Suppressed anger), insist we get what we want (Narcissistic anger), or use threats and fear to control others (Destructive anger).

Road rage reveals the use of the entitlement angers. Drivers who tailgate dangerously are likely to be using Narcissistic or Destructive anger. By contrast, drivers who become irritated when a car cuts in too closely, but then drop back to a safe distance, are using Assertive anger.

Our Assertive anger arises from the melding of many sources, including our personality traits, our self-esteem, past experiences, our beliefs about our rights, and our interpretations of events. By focussing our Assertive anger, we can maintain control of our thoughts, emotions, and actions, while balancing our rights with the rights of others.

Assertive anger energises us for action, then ebbs away when a situation is resolved. Its intensity ranges from low (firm voice), to medium (determined voice and strong words), to full intensity (forceful voice and action). We tailor the intensity to suit each situation: too low, and our message may not be heeded; too high, and disagreement can escalate into conflict.

Our acutely-sensing mind detects all that is happening within us and around us. When it detects danger, it instantly activates our survival response – the Fight, Flight, Freeze instinct, releasing adrenaline and cortisol. These stress hormones trigger electrochemical changes throughout our body, readying us to fight for survival. Depending on the risk perceived, we’ll receive a trickle or a flood.

Initially, Rose’s Flight response activated and she cowered, but instead of allowing her habitual responses to control her, she took a deep breath and consciously activated her Assertive anger to defend herself.

We too can learn to activate and regulate our Assertive anger, much like firefighters who regulate the water-flow from high-pressure fire hoses. Once a fire hose is charged with water, firefighters need to control it tightly, otherwise the hose can whip around like a snake and injure them. By controlling the flow with the sturdy nozzle and releasing either a solid stream or a mist of water, firefighters can accurately aim the flow. Without a nozzle, the water would fan out, miss the target, and not have the force needed.

We can use similar techniques to harness the force of our Assertive anger. We transform it into words and actions, focus it on the right target, and regulate it so that it lasts for the duration of the conflict: whether the minutes of an argument,