Voluntary Blinders

By James Thymes

    This book is a collection of my observations, writings and experiences on my journey to peace and fulfillment. It tells the story of my healing transformation from years of alcohol addiction, depression and paralyzing anxiety, as well as the story of how it began. It contains some of my struggles, successes, failures, steps of faith, healing moments, knowledge I've gained on my journey and some of my writings about some popular doctrines and beliefs. Although I had to rely on memory for the section of the book that spans my childhood to early adulthood, the remainder was written with the aide of my daily journals. Everything written in this book that is not a matter of opinion or viewpoint is as true and accurate as possible. My hope is that this book will help someone to find healing, peace and fulfillment. If it helps even one person, it is worth everything.

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Thymes
• Release date: Nov 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201738389

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

I t would start as soon as I woke up in the morning. My mind would start to take off on its own, my heart would start pounding, my chest would tighten up and I'd get this sick, hollow feeling in my stomach that made me want to crawl under a rock. Then I would call in sick to work, I'd pray and ask God to take the pain away from me but He wouldn't, so then I'd drink to try to do it myself. The next day would be worse. It got to where I would drive around to try to distract myself and hope for a car to veer into my lane and kill me. My mind was so twisted up that I cared more about ending the pain than what that would do to my kids.

The seventh day was the worst. My heart was racing, I couldn't eat, I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't think straight, it was like something evil was chasing me and trying to kill me but I didn’t know what it was. Sometimes running water would help ease my anxiety a bit so I drove up to the river. That's when it happened.

This book is a collection of my observations, writings and experiences on my journey to peace and fulfillment. It tells the story of my healing transformation from years of alcohol addiction, depression and paralyzing anxiety, as well as the story of how it began. It contains some of my struggles, successes, failures, steps of faith, healing moments, knowledge I've gained on my journey and some of my writings about some popular doctrines and beliefs. Although I had to rely on memory for the section of the book that spans my childhood to early adulthood, the remainder was written with the aide of my daily journals. Everything written in this book that is not a matter of opinion or viewpoint is as true and accurate as possible. My hope is that this book will help someone to find healing, peace and fulfillment. If it helps even one person, it is worth everything.

***1***

CHILDHOOD

Although I don't remember very much of my early childhood, I have some vivid memories of the trailer park where I lived for several years. It was back before internet, cell phones and most decent video game systems, so aside from watching Saturday morning cartoons or playing a few Atari games, it wasn't very entertaining for a kid to be indoors. My friends and I would spend most days outside riding our bikes around the park and playing, even if the weather was bad. Much of the land around the park was undeveloped back then, so there were also plenty of nearby fields to play in. Most of us were allowed to stay out until dark, as long as we ended up at someone's house for dinner and called to check in at home.

When I was around nine years old, my family moved into a four bedroom house that was about half a mile from the trailer park. The house was older and a bit run down, but it had a four acre motorcycle track behind it, so it was a great place for my friends and I to get together to play. It was a huge area where we could catch snakes and bugs, play Star Wars or GI Joes, or play a great game of hide and go seek.

When my parents bought motorcycles for our family, riding around the track instantly became my favorite pass time. Although riding dirt bikes was a lot of fun for us at the time, it also led to the occasional wreck and injury. My worst bike wreck during that time, happened when I was riding with a friend on the back of my Trail 70. There was a big jump at the end of the track that we called the grand finale, and as I rode down the backside of this jump, my friend's weight shifted forward pinning me against the handle bars. That caused me to whiskey throttle the bike, which is when the throttle is revved up way too high and control of steering is lost as well. We hit the wall of the track, causing my friend to be thrown from the bike and me to slide through gravel on my stomach. My friend was ok even though he landed on his head, but I ended up with gravel imbedded in my chest and stomach that my dad picked out piece by piece. This wreck left a huge scar from my upper chest to my waist, but unlike several other scars I received within the same time period, this one surprisingly disappeared over time.

When I was 12 years old and had just finished sixth grade, my parents divorced. Up until then, I had lived in the same area my whole life and attended the same school with most of my friends. When my parents separated, my dad moved in with his new girlfriend who had four young kids, my older siblings had already moved out on their own, so I went to live with my mom. My mom and I bounced around for awhile staying with friends and family members, and we occasionally even slept in the car. We ended up living with some friends on their farm for most of that first Summer, which is where I got my first lesson in how to buck hay.

Just before the start of the following school year, we moved to a town in Oregon where I didn't know anyone. The combination of being quiet, shy, small for my age and new to the school was a terrible mix, and I started getting bullied right away. It was mostly just teasing at that time, but occasionally it would get physical as well. What made matters worse for me was that my dad was gone and I had no contact with him, I didn't know anyone who lived nearby, my mom was an emotional wreck and I didn't want to add to her pain, so I didn't have anyone to talk to about it.

One of my biggest regrets was instead of dealing with the pain I was going through in some kind of constructive way, I took it out on another kid who had nothing to do with it. Although I didn't physically hurt him, I would tease him and call him names which is arguably worse. This was an attempt to make myself feel better by taking it out on someone else, but all it accomplished was damaging another person and making me hate myself more. There were many times over the years that I thought about this kid, and I hoped to someday be able to tell him I was sorry. Many years later, through an unexpected set of events, I ran into him on a jobsite and apologized to him for what I did.

After the school year ended we moved back to Washington, but not to the same area where I grew up. We moved into a one bedroom apartment, where my mom slept on the couch in the living room and she let me have the bedroom. She would work any job she could find at the time, which ended up being mostly in fast food restaurants, and she would walk to and from work when we didn’t have a car. She did the best she could with what little she had at the time and really showed me what it means to live selflessly.

That year was the worst in terms of being bullied but instead of taking my pain out on anyone else, I learned how to push it deep down and bury it. This coping mechanism not only caused immediate physical issues to develop, like stomach pains and nausea but other deeper issues as well. School was something I would absolutely dread everyday, and I even started hating certain songs that I would hear on the bus because I associated them with how I felt. By the time I was in High School I had developed all kinds of issues, some of which I'm still dealing with today.

At 16 years old I began to drink recreationally, and it was like I had discovered the missing ingredient for happiness in my life. Alcohol killed the pain, made me feel bulletproof and helped me overcome some of my social issues at times. It quickly became what I turned to for comfort and peace, but what it actually delivered was only temporary comfort and a long list of additional problems.

There were other things that happened during those years that added wounds that didn’t have a chance to heal, like witnessing fighting and domestic violence. The combination of these experiences was enough to lead to some pretty serious issues for me later in life. There are many people who went through far worse things than me, including several people I know personally. The reason I bring that up is because I developed some serious issues from just what I've been through, I can't even imagine what some people are dealing with, which is the reason I'm writing this book.

***2***

TEENAGE YEARS

Although I have some vivid memories of the time period, most of what I remember from High School to my early twenties is a bit hazy. My major objective at the time was to try to stay invisible at school, to get my homework done during the week and to party like a rock star on the weekends. My parents had never had much money, so I wasn't able to play any sports until my Junior year. By the time I joined the Football team I was well behind the curve, but I learned quickly and did my best. After my final Football season ended, I decided to join the Wrestling team. The strength I had developed from Football and weightlifting was no match for the years of fundamentals learned by most of my opponents, so I didn't win many matches. This was, however, when I was in the best shape of my life, and I even began looking forward to the five mile jog at the end of most practices.

There were friends that I occasionally hung out with from different social groups in school, but my main crew was made up of mostly kids from broken homes like me. It was a rowdy group of kids made up of some from abusive homes, some who had been abandoned and some who were even a bit suicidal. If we weren't lifting weights or fishing, we were going to parties, chasing girls, drinking beer, smoking pot or playing mailbox baseball. This lifestyle sometimes led to fights or other altercations, and even resulted in guns being pulled on us a couple of times. Since we could buy Lucky Lager or Miller High Life for $3 a case back then, we always had enough liquid courage to get us in trouble. Eventually some of us ended up doing harder drugs, wrecking cars and/or getting DUI's.

The river was our main hang out in the Summer in those days, where we would go to drink beer and jump off of the bridges and cliffs. Although none of us were ever seriously injured doing this, we witnessed a few people who were and heard about others who actually died, so I definitely would not recommend it. There were also plenty of lakes, rivers and creeks to fish in the area, and we all had our favorite fishing spots. Most of us at that time, would mainly either Catfish at night at the lake or Sturgeon fish on the Columbia River, but there was the occasional Salmon or Steelhead fishing trip as well. That eventually changed as lakes became more polluted, Sturgeon fishing regulations tightened and interest in the other types of fishing grew.

My first Summer job was working for a friend of my brother installing car windshields. He was a body builder from Canada and he took me to Banff, Alberta as a gift for my hard work. It was a great experience and my first trip out of the country. On our way up there, we ran across some Bighorn Sheep that were crossing the road, which allowed me to feed them right out of my hand. That was probably not the smartest thing I've ever done, but I lived through it to do plenty more things that were not very smart.

After we arrived and visited town, we decided to climb a mountain which was both amazing and terrifying. One big mistake that we made on that climb, was not checking the upcoming weather because it had been sunny and beautiful our entire trip up to that point, and we weren't anticipating any changes. That ended up being a serious error in judgement because bad weather showed up at one point and tried to blow us off the mountain. Wind and hail decided to show up at the same time I was on a cliff face, hanging onto cracks in the rock and couldn't see my next move. That was the first of many times that I can remember when I really thought I was going to die. Somehow I managed to eventually scale the cliff and climb to the top of the mountain. The view from the top