Make the Best of Your Teen Years- 105 Ways to Do It

By Joseph Langen

After writing my first book, Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life, I realized that what I had to say was directed toward adults. I wondered what teens would make of it, and came to the conclusion that most of their concerns were different from those of adults.

I also wondered whether I really knew what their issues were. I decided that the best way to find out for sure was to ask teens what concerned them and how they dealt with their concerns. I went in search of teens who were willing to talk with me about them. I found a number of teens who agreed to fill out a questionnaire and meet with me to talk about what they had written. This book is an account of that process. The teens who participated were all from Western New York, some from rural Genesee County and the others from urban Monroe County.

As you read on, you will find stories based loosely on teens I have met over the years I have been in practice. These are stories I wrote to give you some examples of how teens might deal with certain issues. None of the characters in these stories are actual people.

A teenager named Violet wrote the poems at the beginning of each chapter. She did not wish to have her name published, so we will just know her as Violet.

Each chapter also has a story to introduce the topics found in that chapter. You will also find practical suggestions at the end of each chapter and sometimes within the chapters. These are designed to help you practice some of the things discussed in that chapter. Hopefully they will help you make a little better sense of your teen years and their challenges.

My hope in writing this book is that you will come away with a better understanding of what weighs on other teens' minds and how they deal with their concerns. I also hope that as you read this book, you will come to see that your concerns and views are not so unusual. Maybe it will help you accept your own way of approaching life. Perhaps this book will also give you a few new ideas about yourself and the world you live in.

Although this book is primarily for teens, parents and grandparents should also find it helpful in understanding and supporting the teen in their lives.

Topics in this book include:
The author as a teen
How you feel about you
Feelings about everything else
Family Matters
Friends
Problem peers
Your Health
Your sexual self
Being in love
When life gets difficult
Spirituality and religion

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joseph Langen
• Release date: Sep 26, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463528037

Joseph Langen

Personal Born in Dunkirk, NY, he moved to Rochester, NY when his father returned from his navy duties in World War II. He considered being a priest, and spent nine years in the seminary and monastery. He was married for twenty nine years and raised three children. He is currently in a wonderful relationship and lives in Leroy, NY. When he returned to the world at large after his monastery stay, he decided to explore psychology and switched from a philosophy major in the monastery to psychology and received his undergraduate degree from the State University of New York at Buffalo. He stayed in Buffalo to receive a master's degree in Rehabilitation Counseling. Then he moved to the University of Illinois for his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. Along the way during his training, Gowanda Psychiatric Center and Chenute Air Force Base Counseling Center gave him practical experience. Work Life After graduating, he moved to Philadelphia where he worked for two years at Temple University Counseling Center. Next he spent two years at De La Salle In Towne, an experimental day treatment center for delinquent boys. Then he came back to Western New York and worked at Genesee County Mental Health in Batavia. Being in a rural area with limited resources, he learned to work with a great variety of people of all ages. After eleven years, he decided to return to Rochester where he grew up and took a job at DePaul Mental Health where he learned about family therapy, ending up as supervisor of the children's treatment program. By 1990, he felt ready to be more on my own and became an independent contractor at a practice in the Buffalo area. Eventually he moved the rest of the way into private practice and returned to work in Batavia. He has since retired from psychology practice and now writes full time. He also worked for three years as an AmeriCorps volunteer at GO ART! in Batavia, NY. Writing He began writing short stories in the 1980's for his own amusement and published one. In 1990. When he began private practice, he started writing a quarterly newsletter for his referral sources. Eventually he converted this to a biweekly newspaper column now published online as Sliding Otter News. These articles formed the basis of two of his books, Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life and: Navigating Life: Commonsense Reflections for the Voyage. In light of his seminary and monastery background, he took an interest in the priest-sexual abuse crisis and thought back to his cloistered years. Pondering these years led to his memoir, Young Man of the Cloth. When he realized that no one had told the priest abuse story from the priest's point of view, he decided to write what he had learned from his research and personal experience about abusive priests as a novel, The Pastor's Inferno. He has published the following books available in paperback and Ebook formats: - Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life, thoughts on the events of ordinary life, - Navigating Life: Commonsense Reflections for the Voyage, a book of reflections about life's joys and predicaments and what to do about them. - Young Man of the Cloth- a memoir of the author's nine years in a Catholic seminary and monastery. - The Pastor's Inferno- a novel about an abusive priest in search of redemption. - Release Your Stress and Reclaim Your Life- a comprehensive look at what stress is, how it affects you and what you can do about it. - Make the Best of Your Teen Years: 105 Ways to Do It. A book for teens consisting of poetry by a teen, stories about teens and narrative based on interviews with teens. -From Violence to Peace- Understanding violence and learning how to deal with it in your life and in the world. -How To Transform Your Anger and Find Peace- Understanding your anger and that of others and how to deal with it constructively. -Stress Briefly Noted is a condensed version of Release Your Stress and Reclaim Your Life, available FREE in Ebook format only from various distributors. What To Do About Violence is a brief Ebook on the nature of violence and how to approach it at personal, family, community and government levels. It is also available free from various distributors He also maintains four blogs on Wordpress: - Chats with My Muse Calliope - Make the Best of Your Teen Years - Release Your Stress and Reclaim Your Life. - Reconsidering violence -Anger in America -What To Do About Violence He distributes Sliding Otter News a free newsletter featuring excerpts from his books, his original articles and links to articles by other authors on the themes of finding inner peace and living in harmony with others. A free subscription to Sliding Otter News is available at http://www.slidingotter.com/sign-up-for-free-newsletter. There are no commitments required and you can discontinue your subscription at any time. He welcomes your comments on his writing at [e-mail]. Visit his Pinterest page at http://www.pinterest.com/jglangen/

Book preview

Make the Best of Your Teen Years:

105 Way to Do It

Joseph G. Langen, Ph.D.

Sliding Otter Publications

LeRoy, NY

Copyright © 2015 Joseph G. Langen

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may b reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form from or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise without the prior written permission of the author.

Poems at the beginning of each chapter were written by Violet when she was a teen and used with her permission.

Smashwords edition

Produced in the United States of America.

Sliding Otter Publications

5 Franklin Ave.

LeRoy NY 14482

www.slidingotter.com

[e-mail]

Table of Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1- About Me As A Teen

Chapter 2- How You Feel About You

Chapter 3- Feelings About Everything Else

Chapter 4- Family Matters

Chapter 5- Friends

Chapter 6- Problem Peers

Chapter 7- Your Health

Chapter 8- Your Sexual Self

Chapter 9- Being in Love

Chapter 10- When Life gets Difficult

Chapter 11- Spirituality and Religion

Afterword- What’s Next

About the Author

Foreword

After writing my first book, Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life, I realized that what I had to say was directed toward adults. I wondered what teens would make of it, and came to the conclusion that most of their concerns were different from those of adults.

I also wondered whether I really knew what their issues were. I decided that the best way to find out for sure was to ask teens what concerned them and how they dealt with their concerns. I went in search of teens who were willing to talk with me about them.

I found a number of teens who agreed to fill out a questionnaire and meet with me to talk about what they had written. This book is an account of that process. The teens who participated were all from Western New York, some from rural Genesee County and the others from urban Monroe County.

As you read on, you will find stories based loosely on teens I have met over the years I have been in practice. These are stories I wrote to give you some examples of how teens might deal with certain issues. None of the characters in these stories are actual people.

A teenager named Violet wrote the poems at the beginning of each chapter. She did not wish to have her name published, so we will just know her as Violet.

You will also find practical suggestions at the end of each chapter. These are designed to help you practice some of the things discussed in that chapter. Hopefully they will help you make a little better sense of your life and its challenges. You will also find additional suggestions throughout the book.

My hope in writing this book is that you will come away with a little better understanding of what weighs on other teens today and how they deal with their concerns. I also hope that as you read this book, you will come to see that your concerns and views are not so unusual. Maybe it will help you accept your own way of approaching life. Perhaps this book will also give you a few new ideas about yourself and the world you live in.

Acknowledgements

The teens who agreed to talk with me about their lives shared very personal information with me. Therefore I asked them to choose fictional names for me to use in this book. They are Punkman, Nike, Amy, Ellie, Paige, Kapow, Miss Mimi, Chuck, Abe, Ronnie, Anna, Lynn, Sean, Julie, Darla, Allie, Chuck, Zoe, and Kylie. Thanks so much for your honesty and courage in sharing part of your lives. I dedicate this book to you.

I would like to thank Emily Leone, Cassidy Caccamise, Linda Lathan and Michael Iten for their editorial assistance and very helpful comments. I would also like to thank my support team, always ready to help me when I get stuck. They are Carol Gomborone, Gerry Lanning and Bob Fussell.

Chapter 1 - About the Author as a Teen

Walking

A poem by Violet

The snow superimposes

a new palette on reality;

it muffles,

cuts away sound

until all that remains

is itself,

a wet distorted squeak

beneath our feet.

Reflecting the fluffy sky

in piles all around,

it makes the world

a suspended dream,

a quiet empty earth

for our solitude.

We inhale

the soft sharp air,

arm in arm,

faces cold,

hands anonymous in gloves;

We pull our feet through the growing, glittering drift,

like draft horses going uphill.

Our breath turns to clouds,

floating up like a train’s nostrils,

and dissolves into the cold.

*****

Violet describes how she sees herself. When she says snow superimposes a new palette on reality, she is talking about what you can see of her on the outside and the inner layers of her being. You don’t always get to see the whole person and there might be much more beneath the surface. She also sees the earth as a suspended dream. What we see through our eyes does not always seem real to us or fit with what we know about ourselves. Before we get to understanding you, I would like to take some time to let you get to know me a little better.

Why I am Writing about Me

Most advice to writers suggests focusing on the reader’s needs. I don’t know whether you are just curious or struggling with serious challenges right now. I tried to put myself in your place so I could understand how you might feel opening this book. If you are like most other teens, you are probably a bit skeptical right now and asking yourself, How do I know this guy has anything useful to tell me? You have a right to be skeptical. You may wonder about me:

Does he remember what it was like to be a teen or has he forgotten?

Does he remember what was hard and easy about being a teen?

Does his experience give him the right to talk to me about my life?

I asked myself the same questions. Let me tell you a little about my life as a teen. Then you decide if you want to hear more.

My Story

It seems like ages since I was a teenager but it also seems like just yesterday. I find it hard to be objective about my own life, so I won’t try. I’ll tell you what I remember and what I thought about it. If you asked my mother, father, brothers and sister or friends, they might have a very different story to tell about me. This is how I remember it.

At the beginning of my teen years, I found myself on the way out the door of my home. I grew up in Western New York. When I was thirteen, I left to live in a seminary and study for the priesthood. Boys don’t do that any more. Now they take time to grow up before making such a serious decision, but then it was fairly common.

I met a girlfriend in fifth grade and said good-bye to her the summer after eighth grade. I didn’t know much about girls then but Rose always listened to me and enjoyed being with me. Naturally, there were no girls in the seminary, but I was still too young to know what I was missing.

I said good-bye to my parents, brothers, friends, my neighborhood, and my new English racer bike. Everything I needed was packed into a steamer trunk and loaded into the family car. A whole new world awaited me in Dunkirk, New York. I was born there and knew about Holy Cross Seminary on West Lake Road, yet I never knew what went on beyond the stone walls. I had no idea what to expect, but didn’t worry about it at the time. I saw it as an adventure.

You might wonder how I left home so easily. I have never been one to think much about what I was doing. I acted first and thought about it later. My way of doing things was, Ready, fire, aim. I always liked adventures, such as scouting, riding as far as I could on my bike, and visiting my relatives for a week at a time, especially my grandfather.

My mother was terrific and spent her life knowing what we needed before we did. In those days not many mothers worked. Mostly they were home with the children while the fathers were off at work. Every day she had fresh baked treats still warm when we got home from school. She listened to us when we were excited, sad, or worried. She said little about my leaving for the seminary, but I later learned that she felt as if I had been ripped from her. On my last day at home, she reminded me that the back door was always open.

My father was another story. A few years before I left for the seminary, he changed from someone who took us kids sledding, boating, and camping to someone who seemed to be in constant search of a reason to yell at us boys. Since I was the oldest, his favorite target was me. I am still trying to figure out what changed him into a carbon copy of his father who was also fierce on a daily basis. My father has since died so I guess I will never know.

My brother Bob was born when I was three years old. As he got older, we did more things together and became best friends. I also had two other younger brothers, Greg and Marty. My sister Marcie was born during my first year in the seminary.

I didn’t think much about why I wanted to go to the seminary at the time. When I look back on it, one of the main reasons I went was to get away from my father. I also wanted to follow in the footsteps of my two uncles who were priests. They were both quite a bit calmer and more reasonable than my father.

Once I got to the seminary, I felt like a fish out of water. I didn’t feel quite as bad as the carp in Canadaway Creek near the seminary which thrashed around trying to figure out which way to go, but I was close. In some ways my adolescence was easier for me than if I had stayed home. I didn’t have to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I had already decided, and was on the path I had chosen.

My paternal grandfather was a lot like my father- pretty gruff. But one thing he said made sense. He thought thirteen was too young to decide what I wanted to do with my life. He didn’t tell me this until I was fifteen when I was already living at the seminary. I couldn’t go back and make my decision all over again.

Even though my life was set on its course, I felt restless. I had no choice of what courses to take and took what was assigned. I didn’t have to worry about getting into college. It was the automatic next step waiting for me after the seminary high school.

As I got older, I began to realize that not having girls around made for a rather dull life. I didn’t know what it was like to wonder whether a girl liked me, to figure out how to tell her I liked her, or just to sit next to a girl in class. I went to some parties during the summer and always felt like an odd duck sitting by myself. I wondered what being in love with someone would be like.

No one talked about sex in the seminary. It was almost as if we had no sexual parts or sexual desires. We learned about the mechanics of sex in biology class but nothing was said about what to do when you had sexual feelings. It seemed to me that I was not expected to have any. It was clear that engaging in sex of any sort was sinful and that dire consequences awaited anyone who stepped over that boundary.

We had an odd rule about particular friendships; at least it seemed odd to me. We were not allowed to form too close a friendship with anyone. I finally figured out that the priests in charge of us were concerned about us being gay or at least having the chance to explore this possibility. I later learned that men in prison often sought homosexual partners in the absence of any available women. There were some gays in the seminary but they were usually discovered fairly quickly, and immediately sent packing. We didn’t talk about homosexuality either, except to make jokes about it. No one tried to help us understand what it was all about.

I made friends in the seminary, but it was different from the friendships I had at home. I had not grown up with the students I met at the seminary and they knew nothing about my life at home. I did the best I could but have since realized there is something special about friends I knew since childhood. Eventually, I managed to make a few very close friends.

I got along fairly well with most of the other boys. We did have one bully, or at least I did. He made fun of my being chubby and made up names to humiliate me. I wanted to beat him up, but there was no such thing as meeting him after school After all, we lived at the seminary as well as taking classes there. I wanted to talk with someone about it, but was afraid that would make things worse. I ended up living with it until he was finally sent home for reasons I never discovered.

Maybe you would like to know how I might have answered questions I asked of the teens you will soon meet. Here is a little taste of what I remember when I look back on my teen years.

I don’t think I liked myself all that much as a teen. In the few years before leaving for the seminary, I frequently heard from my father about all the bad things I did to inconvenience him. I found it hard to block out his voice and just listen to my mother saying she loved me. I think my best quality was generosity.

I made friends with old people no matter where I went. I visited them and brightened their days. I don’t know how I became this way. I think I just liked to sit and talk with people and have them listen to my not very exciting adventures.

I would have liked to be surer of myself. I did get more confident over the course of my teen years. I turned out to be good at schoolwork and often had my classmates come to me for help with math or languages, mostly Latin.

Well, that’s a little about me as a teen. If you would like to know more about my teen years, I wrote a memoir about them called Young Man of the Cloth which tells the story of my time in the seminary and monastery.

Enough about me. I know you are here to learn about the teens I met, so let’s look at the teen years and see what some kids your age have to say about them. You can compare their comments to what you know about your life. In the next chapter, we will look at how teens feel about themselves. Here we go.

Chapter 2- How You Feel About You

Only

A poem by Violet

I have never loved

only wanted

to wrap myself in other skin,

hide my eyes behind another face.

I have only wanted

a better soul than mine,

a graceful body, a strength,

and certainly this flesh could never have.

I have longed

for a patchwork, an alloy

of the pure, intelligent, the solid

a melting pot of my unobtainable traits.

I have watched,

as if I could adapt my observation,

the movements of perfection

that I wished were mine.

I have envied

affectionately from a distance

I can’t imagine coming any closer.

*****

Violet writes about longing for a patchwork, an alloy of the pure, intelligent, the solid a melting pot of my unobtainable traits. She is trying to figure out how all the things she knows about herself can come together in a way that makes sense to her. We are all creatures of contradictions. We have rough edges and have parts of us we wish were different. Let’s start with Alice’s Story.

Alice’s Day- A Story

I woke up at six-thirty this morning. My mother hadn’t yet popped her head into my room, but I heard her knocking and waking up my brother Pete and my sister Carrie. How does she manage to be so cheerful every morning? Does she get up and practice in the mirror before she wakes us up? I wouldn’t have it in me until I was up for a few hours.

My usual routine again today: toilet, shower, deodorant, the little makeup my mother lets me to wear to school, and then back to my bedroom to decide what to wear. Mom thinks I should pick out something the night before. She used to do this for me when I was younger. I couldn’t do it then and I can’t now. How would I know what kind of mood I might be in the next morning? Will I want to be part of the woodwork today, coordinated with my friends, unique, or part of the crowd? Will I want my teachers to notice me or leave me alone today?

I have to admit, this is hard to decide in the few minutes I have every morning. Sometimes I don’t really know what mood I’ll in until breakfast and then I have to run back upstairs to change. I might not know for sure until I am getting off the bus at school and then it’s too late.

Mom usually has an editorial review ready for me by the time I get down to breakfast. That’s a nice top, Sweetie. Don’t you think you might be a little too warm with that sweater? Isn’t that skirt a little short, Alice? I never know what to expect, but at least she notices what I’m wearing. I guess that’s good.

At least I get to climb on the bus by myself. My brother and sister aren’t old enough to take the early bus yet. I am the second one on unless my friend Jenny oversleeps and misses the bus. I don’t have much choice of who to sit with. I can either sit with Jenny and make her happy or sit by myself and make her sad.

Sitting by myself, I have to take my chances on who will sit next to me. Sometimes this is fun and sometimes it’s a pain if one of the goof-offs sits down next to me. I’m working on a way to let people know I don’t want them to sit with me without actually having to come out and say it. So far I haven’t figured out anything both subtle and effective.

Getting off the bus is a real sideshow. Boys try to look cool and end up looking goofy. Girls try a new hairdo or a combination of top and shorts to see if they can look glamorous or refined, unless it is a day when they don’t care what anyone thinks.

Alex tells me he likes my sweater on the way into class. Does he really, or is he just trying to be nice? He surprises me. I didn’t realize he even knew I existed. I wanted to talk to him for a long time and then he beat me to it. Is he just into sweaters, or does he like me? I should ask his sister Julie but she might tell him I asked. I guess that wouldn’t be so bad. At least then he would know he exists in my imagination at least.

Today none of my teachers notice my sweater or say anything else about me for that matter. I guess today is just one of those fit in days where teachers don’t notice me. Mrs. Holmes compliments me for answering a question in geometry class. I don’t usually volunteer an answer. I would hate to look dumb in my hardest class. I think she appreciates me trying though.

After school, Tina invites me over to listen to her new music downloads. I like going to her house. We can be honest with each other about things that bother us and not wonder if we will be laughed at. She offers to help me with geometry which for some strange reason makes sense to her. She must have a different kind of brain than I do. I take her up on her offer.

When I get home, my brother Pete is practicing free throws in the basket above the garage door. He throws the ball to me and I swish it. Basketball is the one thing we have in common. He even compliments me on my fine shot. I quit while I’m ahead.

My sister Carrie is playing a game on the computer when I walk inside the house. I have to