Connect Four: Win the Game of Motivation: a Strategy Manual for Parents and Teachers

By Malka Miller MEd MSEd

Connect Four is a perfect metaphor for getting kids excited about doing what they need to do anyway. It’s a win-win when you and your kids connect - any level, any pathway. Learn the secrets of how to connect with kids on their own level. Are you frustrated because the typical ways of connecting haven't worked for you yet ? Do you feel like there isn’t enough time in the day to even try? Read this book and be astonished by how your family will be transformed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jun 17, 2021
• ISBN: 9781663219121

Malka Miller MEd MSEd

Malka Miller, M.Ed, MS.Ed, started teaching in ninth grade when she was asked to tutor a student and hasn’t stopped since. As a teacher and principal in the private sector and while achieving her Masters Degrees from Penn State University and Brooklyn College she embarked on her lifelong passion of specializing in student motivation. She is a teacher trainer and an educational consultant for Catapult Learning and is a much sought-after inspirational and professional development speaker. As a Certified Professional Coach, and as a life coach for Toshia, an organization that offers parenting guidance and support, Mrs. Miller has helped countless parents and children. Her acclaimed Team Magic Program, effectively and proactively addresses the issue of social isolation in classroom settings.

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Copyright © 2021 Malka Miller, MEd, MSEd.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

All vignettes are authentic; however, identifying details, including names, have been changed. This book is not intended as a substitute for advice from a trained professional.

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ISBN: 978-1-6632-1911-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-1913-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-1912-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021911838

iUniverse rev. date: 06/16/2021

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

Part 1: Inside the Minds of Kids

Connect 1: How Big Is the Problem? (Hint: Bigger Than You Think)

Connect 2: Whose Job Is It to Motivate Kids? Why Does It Matter?

Connect 3: Motivation 101

Connect 4: Giving Effective Feedback

Part 2: The LEARN Method of Sparking Motivation

Chapter 1: L: Listen

Chapter 2: E: Environmental Support

Chapter 3: A: Attainable Goals

Chapter 4: R: Responsibility

Chapter 5: N: Never Stop Trying

References

To all parents and teachers who are guiding their

children to become the best they can possibly be, despite

the many challenges this generation presents.

To my devoted husband, my loving children and grandchildren,

and to SL and CDU and my wonderful anonymous friend who

is right there behind me in all my endeavors. Thank you!

FOREWORD

by Susan Friedberg, LCSW, ACSW

Member Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy

I would like to give high praise to Mrs. Miller’s book: Connect Four. This short book is jam packed with effective strategies for lowering family conflict, setting appropriate boundaries, and most importantly imparting and encouraging motivation in children to do the right thing. The strategies are very enforceable without being punitive. They will not engender rebellion as they are based more on enlisting the child’s innate motivation to please adults or to do something from a position of self-interest, thus shortcutting resistance. Punishment often is not an effective solution. Most suggestions are quite specific and do-able.

Writing from my position of over forty years as a psychotherapist, family therapist, superviser and teacher, I am frequently approached with problems of child management by parents and educators. Often, I find the parents and teachers engaging in repetitious, enervating, and dispiriting power struggles that wind up with parent and child feeling defeated and upset. I also see the adults who have weathered these failed parenting attempts from well-meaning but ineffective adults. This book offers welcome alternatives to stop the endless, fruitless cycles and have the opportunity to break habitual patterns of engagement that have failed. As Einstein said, we cannot keep doing the same thing which hasn’t worked and expect a different outcome. Here is an opportunity to try some different approaches.

As I was reading this I couldn’t help thinking about how good it would have been to have this guide on my bedside as I was raising young children and dealing with the attendant problems and challenges of child-rearing.

INTRODUCTION

Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet; no one really knows how.

Children don’t come with instruction manuals, yet advice abounds from well-meaning and caring individuals who think they have the perfect road map. I am not haughty enough to assume that this short manuscript contains all the answers, but my top secret, which is reiterated and demonstrated throughout this book, is the importance of creating connections.

As Fredrick Douglass is quoted as saying, It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. With that in mind, I want to share vignettes and tactics for forging relationships with students and offspring alike.

A guaranteed way to motivate children is to connect to them in a genuine and profound way.

Strong parent-child and teacher-student bonds help shape and foster children’s desire to learn and thrive. Children are not like cars that stall midway to their destination until they are jump-started by just the right cable. It takes an ongoing and cumulative, interactive process of connectivity.

Do I have the time it takes to connect? you may wonder. I’m riddled with anxiety and worn out from daily struggles.

Allow me to reassure you that, yes, you can do it!

Children are a blessing, as the saying goes, although it’s easy to lose sight of it when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed. Children are also blessed with us, the adults chosen by divine design to be their parents and teachers. We were chosen to raise and nurture them, to bring out the best in them.

As a mother of a large family, I was faced with a challenge that most of us as parents encounter. I would have to find a way to uniquely connect to each child both, as an individual and as a member of our family.

I realized that to connect to people, you have to like them. It’s not easy to like kids while they are acting out. Having successfully navigated the daunting task of raising a family, I am often asked for advice from other mothers who are swimming upstream, trying to navigate the challenges associated with this sometimes formidable task.

Melissa, a mother of five children in a blended marriage, came to me at her wit’s end. I worked with her on how to use the concepts detailed in this book. Here is what happened next:

While still in bed, contemplating yet another day of managing the herd, she heard the sounds of her four boys, ranging from five to nine years old, arguing loudly over breakfast. Her first thought was, I’m having an iced coffee, and they will have to work it out on their own. Although there is merit in that approach, she realized that in this case she had to intercede before things escalated, and there was no time like the present to implement the system we had reviewed.

Here’s how it played out: Child A was used to running the show. It was easy to assume he was the perpetrator of every fight, but on that day, she saw his leadership qualities. Child B was eating his Honey Nut Cheerios obliviously, frustrating the rest of the clan by ignoring their tug-of-war over the cereal. She tried to view him going through life with the ability to stay chilled and keep his blood pressure steady. Each boy was just doing what came naturally to him. She saw the value in each unique temperament and jotted it down on the nearest scrap of paper for future reference.

What changed in the dynamic was her stance. Granted, she still had to try to make peace. But she wasn’t busy being judgmental or angry. Seeing the good and concentrating on it can create a positive cycle, the flip side of a vicious cycle, which ends up leading to a productive cycle.

Was Melissa able to stay focused on their positive traits every minute of every day? No, but we are all only human. As long as we keep our eye trained on connecting, we can always get up, brush ourselves off, and continue the process.

It’s our job to take the child entrusted to us, whether at home or in class, and mold the child into the best person he or she can be. This can only be accomplished by recognizing that spark of goodness. This is the mission of every parent and educator, to the best of their ability.

Another story that helps illustrate the lessons in this book comes to mind:

One day, my secretary put through a call from my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Joseph, asking me if I had time to work out some difficulties between two students. She explained that Gabby and Aliza had been at odds with each other since the beginning of the school year, with their hostility mostly presenting itself during recess and lunch. Today it had escalated and started to affect the classroom environment, making it difficult