52 Parenting Principles: How to Bring Out the Best in Your Kids

By Miles Mettler

52 Parenting Principles provides practical and proven principles based on behavior change concepts to help parents enhance and maintain their relationship with their children. 52 Parenting Principles outlines simple strategies to help parents prepare their kids with important life skills for when they leave home. The 52 principles are bite-sized nuggets that parents can learn, understand, and apply weekly or as they choose. With enough theory for context, it emphasizes applications parents can make immediately. Most of the principles can be adopted to fit children of all ages. By reading 52 Parenting Principles, parents feel empowered to make changes they can master and witness relational transformation. Each principle is followed by discussion questions and action steps to help parents understand and integrate what they have learned.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Dec 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9781631956874

Book preview

The PRinciples

PRinciple 1

Own The PRoblem

Most of us like to solve problems and make things better. It’s our nature. When we know a family member or friend is having difficulties, our mind will instinctively seek solutions in an effort to help. But, what if I’m the one with the problem? Personally, I try to figure most things out for myself. For good or bad, seldom do I bring others into the picture to help me.

My nature is to look outward for solutions rather than inward. Why would I instinctively think that I’d be the cause of problems I was having, especially with my kids? It was always easy to focus on what our kids needed to do differently and how they need to change. I’m older, wiser, and have more experience, right? How could I be the cause of their behavior problems?

As I mentioned in the introduction, my previous studies and research related to behavior change led to insights that would make a difference in my parenting, as well. It finally clicked! One day I realized that I would have to change first before I’d begin to see changes in our children. As you probably have experienced, breakthroughs often happen when we’re in the darkest places. I was humbled when the light finally came on and I realized far too often that I was at fault.

Comprehending that we need to change first may be one of the hardest and most challenging concepts we have to embrace when it comes to raising children. This notion was reinforced when I read Dr. Kevin Lehman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. He clearly conveyed the concept that if we don’t like how things are between our kids and us, we may need to change first! However, admitting the conflicts I encountered with my children were because of what I was doing wasn’t an easy pill to swallow.

When we think the children are the problem and need to change, that attitude is reflected in how we relate to them. They can sense our judgmental attitude, and when they do, those feelings actually inhibit them from changing. What we’re really doing when we display that mindset is sending messages to our kids that they aren’t okay as they are, so they need to be fixed. As you can imagine, however, no one likes to feel like they’re a problem in need of fixing, especially our children.

Since we can never directly change other people, including our kids, our attention needs to be on what we can control. And, as was referenced, the only thing we can change is ourselves. (If you’re control-oriented, this concept may leave you feeling very uneasy.) American business philosopher Jim Rohn said, You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.

So where do we begin? The initial step toward making a breakthrough is to accept 100 percent responsibility. In his book, The Success Principles, author Jack Canfield wrote, If you want to be successful, you have to take 100 percent responsibility for everything that you experience in your life. This includes the level of your achievement, the results you produce, the quality of your relationships, the state of your health and physical fitness, your income, your debts, your feeling—everything. He went on to say, …most of us have been conditioned to blame something outside of ourselves for the parts of our life we don’t like . . . we never want to look where the real problem is—ourselves.

We are much better served by taking ownership of the problem, and not look to place responsibility elsewhere. To establish positive relationships with our children, blaming our children or seeing them as the problem cannot be part of the solution. Looking primarily at what the kids need to do differently (blaming), means we’re looking outward rather than inward. In other words, our emphasis on how we’re approaching our kids implies that they are always at fault, instead of being on what and how we can improve. It’s unlikely that any permanent change for the better will occur with that approach!

Have you ever been on the receiving end of blame? Growing up as the youngest of five boys, I have—and it’s one of the worst feelings to experience. However, it’s one thing being blamed by your siblings, but when it comes from a parent the hurt is much deeper.

One of the fundamental problems with blame is that our orientation is on the past and not the future. I’ll discuss that in more detail later on in the book. In that state, we’re likely to think and say things to our kids like, You should have, or, How come you did that, or Why didn’t you ______? Comments like those highlight that we think they are the cause of the problem.

However, we’re much better served by first zeroing in on what we can do differently and how we can change, which will lead to better and more productive outcomes. Motivational speaker Wayne Dyer is quoted as saying, All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.

A simple way to initiate this change is to ask yourself questions like, How can I show up differently? and How can I respond in a better manner? The key to achieving better results is to ask ourselves better questions, questions that will cause us to focus on ourselves and improvements we can make.

Our children need to know we are for them! If they feel like we only see them as a problem to be fixed, then their sense of self will be stifled, and they’ll develop a load of self-doubt. Is that what you want? I know I don’t.

Please don’t be confused by what I’m saying. Our children are still responsible for their behavior. And you are responsible for yours. But when I step back and am willing to accept that the relationship problems I am having (or want to avoid) may stem from my attitude, words, and actions, it allows me to see my children from a different perspective.

It took several weeks of intentionally focusing on my attitude and willingness to accept 100 percent responsibility before it really impacted how I was relating to our kids. When they realized that I was accepting responsibility by working on my own behavior, our children reciprocated by taking more ownership of their choices, as well. Ironically, this approach enhanced my relationship with them and led to more of the positive changes I’d been seeking.

ReflecTion and Discussion QuesTions:

What are recurring situations in which you only notice what your children are doing wrong?

What is the ideal outcome you’re looking to achieve with your child(ren)?

AcTion STeps:

Have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself, asking yourself, Am I accepting 100 percent responsibility related to the parenting challenges I’m having with my children?

Consider praying this prayer each morning, before you start your day: Lord, I’m responsible for how I talk to my children and for what I say. Please give me the grace and patience I need. Help my words be edifying to You and to them. Amen.

PRinciple 2

CRafT a Family Vision STaTemenT

Articulating a well-defined vision is commonplace for leaders in most organizations and businesses, but seldom heard of for families. The reason a business executive sets a clear vision is because a vision statement moves people in a positive direction, so the organization accomplishes more, and everyone involved can share in the experience.

In their thought-provoking book, The 12-Week Year, Moran and Lennington said, The secret to living your life to its potential is to value the important stuff above your own comfort. Therefore, the critical first step to executing well is to create and maintain a compelling vision of the future . . . Think about what you truly want to achieve. What legacy do you want to create? What do you want for yourself and for your family? As they state, Vision is the starting point of all high performance . . . If you find you’re lacking passion in either your business or in a relationship, it’s not a crisis of passion; it’s a crisis of vision.

The business world doesn’t hold a patent on vision statements. An appropriately crafted vision can also coalesce families around a picture of what their future can look like. A family vision statement can help motivate family members and bring context to rules and guidelines, so the vision can become a