A Chocolate Man's Thoughts

By JAMAL HOWARD

Have you ever thought about sex? What about Politics? Relationships? Who actually loves you? To think about those subjects intensely, will definitely stretch the mind.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Jun 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9781698707358

Book preview

Copyright 2021 JAMAL HOWARD.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval

system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,

recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

ISBN: 978-1-6987-0734-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6987-0736-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6987-0735-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021909997

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images

are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Trafford rev.  06/09/2021

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AIN’T NOTHING SADDER THAN ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING WITHOUT HOMETOWN SUPPORT!!!! YOUR FIRST SUPPORT SYSTEM, OTHER THAN YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD SHOULD BE THOSE WHO ARE FROM YOUR CITY. TO NOT SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO COMES FROM YOUR HOMETOWN IS SOME FOUL SHIT!!! THOSE THAT GO BEYOND EXPECTATION ARE FINE EXAMPLES THAT GROWING UP IN A SMALL TOWN DOESN’T MAKE ONE OF LIMITED POTENTIAL…….

Preface

It has been 7 long years since my last book….. I bet you are asking, why so long??? Let’s just say that I am a procrastinator(a bad habit of mine that I am working on).. Or just maybe I was in a 9 year romantic relationship that hindered my creativity??? But now in 2021, I am with a remarkable Chocolate Queen who reminds me daily that I am a king, which expands my creativity!!! My first book was a 60 page comedy that had everybody non stop laughing, which I will eventually revise with pictures and some corrections.. I still believe that Pink Insanity is a masterful piece of literature, however I’m like every other artist who’ll one day look back on his past works, to see what could have been added or deleted to make it better.. Pink Insanity was raunchy and crazy to some degree, but then again I wasn’t trying to be intellectual or drop some knowledge! I just wanted to make people laugh. This book of course is far different, because I’m different. I just want to give my audience gems of wisdom, spirituality, self help, and different perspectives, through short stories and sporadic thoughts written over the last 7 years.. Every writer wants to be a number 1 seller with huge accolades, making big bank.. A publisher told me years ago that I would never make a lot of money and if I did, it would be a matter of luck??? This might just sound far fetched, but all I desire is that A CHOCOLATE MAN’S THOUGHTS be a reading requirement for the York, Pennsylvania High School students.. I think that is a doable wish! I’ll leave that one up to the educators……..

On a different note, my writing career started with me posting short stories on Social media.. It just seemed like face Book was made for Jamal Howard because it gave me a platform to display my writing style, unique literature and viewpoints. Was Brother Jamal outrageous on social media???? I think the best description was multi-dimensional, meaning that one minute I could post about being horny, the next hour it could be Black Power, then soon after daily inspiration. For some reason approaching the age 40, I needed to write everything and all things that came to mind, no matter how silly or insane it might have seen. I even had a hard time focusing at work, because of my social media addiction. I remember several times the manager getting frustrated with me all because Social media took precedence over my job performance. My girlfriend at the time felt that I was starving for attention, mainly because the majority of those on my friend’s list were women. Was it all about attention? What she couldn’t understand is that the universe was setting me up to be who I was intended to be, and since women read more than men I consciously and subconsciously added women to my page. With Social media, I Love the fact that I can post my particular mood at the time and personalities from around the globe can get a glimpse into my mind and since I am a proud Black Man who appreciates Black Women to the fullest It’s also a no brainer That I would choose beautiful high energy sisters to help showcase my literature…….

Shout-outs

First and foremost I’d like to show my appreciation to Trina Dowling, my wife to be. You not only encouraged me to complete this project, you gave me the wiggle room to do so! Look baby, we are creating magic together………. We are going to be the blueprint for everyday ordinary black couples who can take what little resources they have then build an empire! Every morning that we wake up together, you look at me like I’m the greatest man alive. Even though that is far from the truth, that glow in your eyes cancels out fear, insecurity, and skepticism that I occasionally deal with!!!!! Next I want to acknowledge my grand kids…. I love you Mia, CJ, and Jayden. You 3 characters are a handful, but I’d have it no other way! And to my Daughter Kayla Linnette Pizarro, you are my greatest achievement. You juggle 3 kids, 2 with learning disabilities and make it work. A true Super Woman! To Sally Stiers, my mom, best believe in every book that I write you’ll always be mentioned. Over the last 2 years (2019/2020) you saw me go through a bad break up then aided me in my rebuild and refocus……. My brother Damien Howard, over the last few years we have gotten closer! I can literally call you up about anything and you will not hesitate at all to give me some good advice.. It is funny how the tables turn….. Now the little Brother has become the Big Brother.. I love you Bro (tears)!!!!!!!

Contents

Chapter 1     He Molested Me

Chapter 2     Black Love

Chapter 3     Studs and White Women

Chapter 4     Spur of the Moment Thoughts

Chapter 5     Hmmmm

Chapter 6     Know Your Worth

Chapter 7     Treat Me Good

Chapter 8     Relationships

Chapter 9     Early Mornings

Chapter 10   Our Beloved Entertainers

Chapter 11   Oval Office

Chapter 12   The Internet Prowler

Chapter 13   Workplace Blues

Chapter 14   Super Intense Thoughts

Chapter 15   Say It, Mean It

Chapter 16   Churches

Chapter 17   Can’t Stop Thinking

Chapter 18   Good Advice

Chapter 19   Homespun Wisdom

Chapter 20   Anonymous Black Woman

Chapter 21   Well, Well, Well

Chapter 22   The Eighties

Chapter 23   Woosah

Chapter 24   Must be Said

Chapter 25   Merry Christmas

Chapter 26   Too Funny

Chapter 27   More Thoughts

Chapter 28   Vagina, Poetry, and the Asinine

Chapter 29   On the Subject of Big Women

Chapter 30   Many Thoughts

Chapter 31   After the Breakup

Chapter 32   The Threesome That Went Wrong

Chapter 33   Death

Chapter 34   Whatever Happened

Chapter 35   Real Thoughts

Chapter 36   Most Real Thoughts

Chapter 37   Learn From Dead End Relationships

Chapter 1

He Molested Me

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Many young girls go to sleep at night locking their doors in fear that an uncle or relative may try to enter their room and touch them inappropriately.

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You’re at the family cookout getting your drink on and smoking some killer bud. While you sit comfortably in the lawn chair and watch your children play with their cousins, a vision of the future enhanced by the marijuana shows how successful your kids will be and how you are going to work like hell to give them the security, education, and love that all kids need, despite them having a sorry-ass daddy.

As the smoke from the grill burns your eyes, you move the lawn chair toward the card table where loud-ass Uncle Chester, who like always is the life of the party, is both dealing the cards and cracking jokes as though he is the next Kevin Hart. He sees you and says, Go and get me a beer, will you, my favorite niece. So you reach down to the very bottom of the cooler to grab the coldest bottle of Michelob, wrap it with a napkin, then place it on the card table. Right after, you sit back down and continue to watch your uncle, aunts, and a few cousins laugh and reminisce about the good old days in the housing projects as they play a game of spades.

Your second blunt has you more high than a kite; however, you are unable to enjoy the buzz because Uncle Chester is again hollering for you. Niece, come over here and take my place in this game so I can drop a few bricks in the toilet. We all know that Uncle Chester has no filter, so broadcasting himself taking a number two has everybody hysterical.

As you deal the deck and pass the blunt, you notice that your youngest daughter is missing; therefore, you question a relative on her whereabouts. Cousin Cynthia points to the house, then all of a sudden your whole being is filled with fear and a horrible memory from the past. Thirty years ago, at the age of eight, Uncle Chester came to visit our home for the purpose of attending my aunt’s funeral. Since he was family, Mom had no problem letting him stay in the attic instead of lodging at the Comfort Inn.

One night when Mom felt the need to step out for a few drinks, Uncle Chester called me up into the attic for a piggyback ride. Unlike my mom’s other brothers, who never paid me any attention, he’d always take me to the corner store and spoil me with candy, soda, and potato chips, so playing the horse game was nothing of the unusual because he was always so fun. After the piggyback ride, Uncle Chester asked, You wanna go again? This was more fun than the go-carts at Coney Island, so I yelled, FUCK YEAH! Now, at eight years of age, in no way should I be cursing. My mom used four-letter words all the time, so shouting FUCK kind of slipped out. Uncle Chester quickly corrected me, then said he wouldn’t tell my mom if I behaved myself from here on.

The second piggyback ride was more fun than the first, but then, in an eye blink, Uncle Chester suddenly stood up, with me falling to the floor. My damn back hurts, he yelled. I’m gonna’ go downstairs and put a hot rag on it. Lying on the floor, I couldn’t help but think that my uncle’s back pain was just a lie to get away from me for using a bad word. Uncle Chester did say that he wouldn’t tell, but now he was angry with me, so I thought.

Since Uncle Chester was taking what seemed like forever to come back, I turned on the TV, then soon after fell asleep. When I awoke, Uncle Chester was lying beside me with just his boxers on and his penis hanging out of the slit. There were times I’d wake up in the middle of the night to pee and then by accident catch one of my mom’s boyfriends going into her bedroom naked, so seeing a man’s private part didn’t alarm me. Uncle Chester and I would also play the fart game on his visits, but instead of pulling his finger this time, I was asked to pull on his penis. There I was, pulling on his penis and almost suffocating from his smelly farts and not feeling any sense of danger or strangeness.

With every pull, I noticed that Uncle Chester’s breathing was getting heavier and his penis more erect. Afterward, I looked up at my uncle and asked, Are you okay? He replied, Yeah just don’t stop. Soon after, he told me to take off my pajamas and panties, then lie on my back. At this point, I knew something wasn’t right because Uncle Chester’s fair complexion was now red and flushed. Naked on the floor and wearing afro puffs, Uncle Chester put his finger inside of me repeatedly until I began to cry from all the pain. He said, Your mom will beat the black off of you if she knew you said fuck. And if you don’t tell, I won’t tell. After fingering me, he then put his penis in me.

Do we really know anybody nowadays? Our sons and daughters are being sexually molested by the people they should trust the most. Sisters, have you done thorough research on the man you just moved in with? Or were you just mesmerized by a handsome face and a smooth rap with no thought about the potential monster in your home? There are little girls who have yet to have their menstrual cycle locking their bedroom doors every night just to prevent their stepdad from fondling them. The situation gets really sad when Mom discovers a criminal act committed against their offspring and then brushes it under the rug in fear that it will embarrass the family or bring charges against the sex offender they still care about.

Any mother can pray on the situation and then put the matter in God’s hands, but it’s better to put the situation in a court of law because divine justice may take years; therefore, giving the molester even more time to damage the lives of other children. Don’t get me wrong, prayer is needed in a situation like this just to keep a parent from catching a murder charge! If you have been violated, please know that silence is a pedophile’s best friend.

My intention isn’t to beat one up for keeping things on the hush because I understand the resurrection of unwanted memories. Out of love, my intent is to give you the strength to speak out and seek therapy. There is no apology big enough to totally heal a person from this horrible experience. And since I am not a specialist on this subject, I won’t offer any solutions for healing other than one night at a bar, sitting next to a drunk woman sharing an experience about a relative who raped her as a child and how she later became a promiscuous emotional wreck. She then went on to say how counseling, church, and taking things one day at a time are helping her slowly resolve these issue. I can’t say whether or not the heavy drinking was a result of her being violated, but if I had to guess, I’d most definitely say yes! Pedophiles are often victims of sexual abuse themselves, from what I’ve researched. The logic behind being abused sexually and then committing the same act on another is quite baffling. If you have violated a child, may God have mercy on your soul. If you value your soul, please seek help! Man may not forgive but God surely does.

It trips me the fuck out how all these people want to continually blame their parents and upbringing for all their problems. Your childhood may have sucked but there comes a time when one must grab life by the balls or clit and then take steps to improve yourself. If you need counseling, then by all means find a head shrink. You ain’t got to be chased by past demons all your life! Time to take control!

It’s really a damn shame watching a young man get sentenced to twenty-two years for being a habitual offender. Society has had it with these badass kids. Young offenders who stay in constant trouble with the law need to know that once you come of legal age the law will recognize you as an adult. Meaning, your crimes will no longer be seen as another act of a teenage child without proper guidance. Adults have no excuse in the eyes of the law. You can’t blame it on crackhead parents or being sexually molested. You can’t use the excuse of an absentee father or blame the white man. They gonna lock your ass up with some serious time!

Many parents will look at themselves and say, Where did I go wrong with my child? Mentally, we will go back in time and then backtrack all that we could have done differently in certain situations. We’ll even look at our friends’ kids who may have grown up in an environment that wasn’t at all conducive to properly raising a child, yet their child is doing far better than yours. Parents, we cannot continue to blame ourselves for the actions and poor decisions of our children! We have done our best, and if they do not grasp the wisdom that we tried to impart, we can’t stab ourselves emotionally anymore. After a certain point, we’ve just got to include them in our prayers and live life without What if I had done things differently?

Grown kids will have a parent all stressed out to the fullest, especially when they can do much better than they are doing. As parents, we love our kids to death and will give our lives for them if need be. However, there will come a time when a parent must say, Don’t come around me with all that foolishness because you know better and I don’t need any stress in this stage of my life.

When you look in the mirror, what the hell do you see? Do you see everything that you are not? Hell, we all have flaws, but so what? My forehead is rather large but you can hardly tell Jamal that he ain’t sexy. Confidence makes up for everything that you are not. So if your reflection is pissing you off, break the motherfucking mirror and then pimp strut your ass out of the crib like you are the bomb!

Confidence is one of the greatest gifts that we can pass down to our children. You may not have a lot of money or property to pass down, but if your kids are well endowed with confidence they can create what the imagination holds. Even if you yourself lack great confidence, spend a considerable time building self-esteem in your kids. After all, we don’t want history to repeat itself. Teach your kids that they are the bomb!

There comes a time in your life when one must say to hell with all their insecurities such as being too dark or not dark enough, teeth crooked, stuttering, not pretty enough, or not handsome enough. Know that you are a child of the Most High and that everyone shines differently in their own arena. The trick is finding out what arena you shine in.

Parents, why are you knocking on your child’s door when you enter their room? Mom, Dad, why are you asking your child when you should be telling? This alone highlights why so many are now in jail and disrespectful. Everything starts at home.

Your parents brought you into this world, so why not call or see them more often? This new attitude with our youth is so sad! I’ll see you when I see you is their motto. However, when a grown-ass child needs help, guess who they call? There are readers at this very moment reviewing this wishing they could rewind and spend more time with Mom or Pop Dukes. You can take some time off them streets just to say hi to your folks!

I don’t give a fuck what nobody says. This is a very selfish and disrespectful generation! The country is going to hell, and if you don’t see it, then you are wearing blinders. Kids out here walking around with chips on their shoulders and don’t have any bills! And what is this wanting something without putting in work?

I was in the shopping center yesterday and overheard a mother yelling at her child to come the fuck on! Was all that really necessary? If you talk to your child in public like that, then I can only imagine what is said behind closed doors. Perhaps the mother was verbally mistreated growing up?

With school being closed due to the coronavirus pandemic, young parents in particular, from my observations, don’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with kids who treat the grocery aisle like