She'll Find Me

By Laikyn Meng

Dear Lesbian Jesus, may I call you LJ? ♥

It's me, Cameron Monroe.

Are you trying to screw with me? Is Cooper King a test? Because I fail entirely and absolutely beyond straight girl recognition.

I thought denial was supposed to be a safe place.

I can't even say the L word out loud, would never dare admit it to my

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Orange 9 Publishing Company LLC
• Release date: Jun 8, 2022
• ISBN: 9781088108017

Book preview

She'll Find Me

A Multicultural Sapphic Romance

Laikyn Meng

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The Orange 9 Publishing Company

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product(s) of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental or meant to lend credibility and authenticity to the story. The use of brand names and locations should not be read as an endorsement of this author’s work. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

18+ Mature content explicit language and sexual content, violence, domestic abuse.

ISBN: 978-1-0881-1851-1

COPYRIGHT © 2022 The Orange 9 Publishing Company LLC LAIKYN MENG

Author Note

To the thousands or millions of humans who question and embrace their sexuality. I, too, am among you, with your fear, doubts, and the best blessing of all, your joy. I wrote this book as a twenty-nine-year-old woman raised to believe there was only one gender to love.

You wouldn’t find much LGBTQ+ pride in Idaho when I was growing up; even now, I think most farmers and cowboys might have something to say about it. But we don’t pay them much mind; we are not bothered by their World War Two ideals. The same beliefs my grandparents had during the depression were raised to be prejudiced against the Japanese culture, only having, in turn, grandchildren of that descent.

I wrote this book with the idea of not being scared. What if I was brave enough to be me? There was once a time when I caught myself fantasizing about the bravery I feared so much. This is inspired by a woman, and in my fantasy, a story of becoming and true love evolved.

Here is how it all began.

Enjoy!

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I would like to fall in love with you.

I don’t know where you are, but I hope it will be right next to me one day.

Actually, looking for a woman, I can’t stop thinking. You and five of your friends were at the Fire and Ice Winter Festival in Lava Hot Springs.

You ate at the Royal pizzeria; we made eye contact a few times before we got shy and looked away. You had shaved sides and suave dark brown/black hair. You wore a cream/tan Under Armour sweater. You wore a black watch.

I was in overalls and had tattoos on my arms. My whole body was shaking because I saw you first at the river when brave souls floated down the freezing river. And I thought, yep, that’s her. Then I saw you at the pizza place, a coincidence, sure, but then a third time at Blue Moon Drag show, and I could not believe fate was really testing me to be bold and confident. I wasn’t, and now I worry I missed my shot. So if you are out there, I would love the opportunity to fall in love with you.

Here is hoping she will find me if it is meant to be.

Contents

1. She’ll Find Me in the City of Lava Hot Springs

Cameron

2. I'll Find Her in the Courtyard

Cooper

3. She'll Find Me at the Farmer's Market

Cameron

4. I'll Find Her Invading Personal Space

Cooper

5. She'll Find Me in the Bedroom

Cameron

6. I'll Find Her Meeting My Parents

Cooper

7. She’ll Find Me Settling in My Bones

Cameron

8. I’ll Find Her in Breakup Tears

Cooper

9. She’ll Find Me in a Hospital Bed

Cameron

10. I’ll Find Her with a Pocketful of Apologies

Cooper

11. She’ll Find Me When She is Ready

Cameron

12. She’ll Find Me in Stranger Status

Cameron

13. I’ll Find Her when She Learns to Love Herself

Cooper

14. She’ll Find Me Forgiving Who I Thought I Should Be

Cameron

She Found Me at Home

Cameron

15. Chapter 15

. Chapter

1

She’ll Find Me in the City of Lava Hot Springs

Cameron

Isaw you first.

You were laughing with your friends, and I wanted to belong to your group so badly. I listened closely to how you held your breath before letting out a thicker laugh. Cooper King, you are the life of not just the party but the world.

This might sound like a love letter, but I promise we both aren’t there yet. Because you don’t even know my name, and I try to remember if I overheard yours. This isn’t me being a stalker either; I just really admired everything about you from the very beginning.

I already have tattoos; I’m nearing 30 without being married or having kids. I don’t go to church, and I think being gay is just one more thing they can hate about me. Not that my parents would ever exclude me from the family unit. But I already felt like an outsider. My parents and little brother were a perfect trio, and I was a dopey edge trying fit in trapezoid.

This is why I guess I want to remember how it all started, how every second I spent staring at Cooper across the restaurant, I wondered if it was meant to be. I would finally allow myself to be free.

Cooper King was a descendant of the gods. Indian gods, African Gods, she wore her beauty like a banner no one dared question. While I, on the other hand, came from poor Koreans. A sad story that should have ended with a fairytale metaphor.

But once I laid eyes on Cooper, I knew there would be no avoiding the swollen feeling inside my stomach any longer. No, I knew Cooper’s line of dignity the minute I saw her. She was graced with a pure presence, while I felt scarred by a mysterious past. My mother always liked to joke, being adopted made me special, just like every other Asian kid who had white parents.

It wasn’t that I was ungrateful. I felt like I had let them down already, somehow. My brother Conrad is on his way to being Doctor Monroe; he won awards, and colleges begged him to accept their offers in education. Even if Conrad and I were actual blood brother and sister, and our features mirrored each other. I don’t know how he became so magnificent, and I became so mediocre.

Conrad was married at twenty-one and has produced two heirs to take over the responsibility of the Monroe reputation. He has always had this sense of luck and power. People have gravitated towards him, and he sure soaked up the sunshine. My parents are beyond thrilled about him.

I am a graphic designer in downtown Salt Lake City. After high school, I went to college and graduated college. I live alone, and my hobbies are community events I have no reason to be at. I don’t date men; I don’t allow myself to consider dating women either, though. Although my mother continues to try and set me up with all of my brother’s successful friends.

What about Liam, Cam? Conrad said he started his residency at the same hospital as him. Means he will be sticking around for a while. It’s sweet of my mother to think someone like my brother’s friends would be interested in me. Not because I’m not pretty, but because she has to know I have never been interested in those types.

Liam? Seriously, mom. He looks like a typical Utah, all-American boy. I grab the glass of water to avoid looking over at the mysterious woman to whose laughter I am slowly becoming addicted.

I tell myself I have to wait thirty seconds between glances to not seem creepy.

What’s wrong with that? There are several good-looking men in the state. My mother, Courtnee, is so innocent that I feel guilty for my thoughts. She smiles like she was born with sparkly pearl white teeth.

That is the problem, they all look the exact same, and I don’t know if you have noticed, but I’m more edgy than straight. Okay, one more peek won’t hurt; I flick my eyes over my mother’s head to see the woman I have become attracted to laughing so hard she is holding on to one of her friend’s shoulders.

Straight? My mom is confused about the phrase I used.

Straight like clean cut and cookie cutter. I fix my mistake before I have a panic attack.

The first time I told my mother I might like women, I cried on my kitchen floor; maybe I was a teenager, perhaps I was twenty. But it seems like no matter the age, the fear of being rejected is still there. She said it was my depression, and I believed her.

You just need to find someone who fits your personality, is what you are saying. The blonde hair may be fake, but Courtnee Monroe is the fiercest woman I know. She is an attorney, and believe it or not, my father, Court, is an architect. I know it gets confusing with all the C names.

Exactly, so our energy matches. I figure I better stop staring at her. Nothing will come of it except me daydreaming about delusions that will never come true.

Sometimes I wonder about that decade from when Courtnee and Court were married at eighteen, the perfect couple, coming from the ideal family. But those ten years when they didn’t produce a child, I wonder what those times were like for them. I shake my head to my own spontaneous wishes but nod to my mother’s agreement.

I ache to know the pain they felt, how the ache in their hearts formed, and down deep, they felt a shame I have always carried around. I was six years old, and Conrad was four. You would think Americans only wanted the cute little babies, but I think my parents were desperate enough that they would have taken teenagers if they could just be called mom and dad by someone.

I lower my head, even thinking about it. Wow, I am the worst daughter. How could I even think that about my own mother? Why would I even dream about that pain? What does that say about me?

Maybe it makes me think I might be so alone that I am missing something inside me, and I can’t be whole without it.

Before I know what is happening, the woman of my dreams is walking out the door.

I’ll be right back, mom. Before talking myself out of it, I bolt out the door and chase after the gorgeous stranger. Maybe she prefers to be called handsome; who knows, I haven’t gotten that far yet. But she is definitely both.

Hey. I catch them before they turn the corner. They all turn and look at me, and then oh God, she is looking at me, oh shit.

Hey? The lengthy-haired goddess, capped with a backward hat, has me shivering in my spot.

I don’t like men. But I think I might have said the wrong thing because she exchanges a look with her friends. Right, I should clear this up. I only realized she might be into the female gender or other genders because of how she checked out the waitress. I like women. I mean, if you like men, that’s cool, or aliens, or monsters. I like aliens too; I just wouldn’t fuck them. Dear God, this is going horribly wonderful. Her friends start to laugh. Wow. Sorry, excuse me. I have to go die now. I am about to turn around and cry in the bathroom when she calls out.

Well, it would be a shame not to know the woman's name who had the guts to come to tell us she doesn’t fuck around with monster cock. God, she is so smooth; why am I such an idiot?

Shit. I pinch my fingers on my nose.

Come again? The mystery crush takes another step closer.

Um, right, Cameron. Cam, my name is Cameron Monroe. I put out my hand like handshakes are the first step in having a girlfriend, a business transaction before a date.

Cooper King, sweetheart. Cooper stares at my hand, and the grin grows as her eyes stare all over me. Damn, if I don’t love the feeling of her eyes taking a tour.

Cool, well, bye. And I leave, and I don’t look back, and she doesn’t say anything, and I think good job, freak show, that couldn’t have possibly have gone worse.

But it kind of does because I see her twice more, and each time I do, my vision is starving as it follows her. Yet I never say another word to her, and we leave the next day, and I think we can’t all have happily ever afters.

My mother and I go back to Salt Lake,