Madeline's Problem

By Alexandra Livesay

Serious Mental Illness, Homelessness, Drug and Alcohol Addiction, and the role of the family begin to speak of the journey of a thousand drinks and drug fests found inside this book. Some could be solved with a single choice. Some would haunt forever. Read this harrowing tale to find out the dreaded story of one woman’s journey through all of it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664150485

Alexandra Livesay

Alexandra Livesay is an author and photographer/videographer that lives and works in Southeastern Michigan. She loves working in the memoir/fiction area of writing mixing her story and a bit of what she wished her life might have been, like having siblings, could be. Alex, as she is known to her friends, is also a musician and started her study of the arts at Interlochen Arts Academy in Northern Michigan.

Book preview

Madeline’s

Problem

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Alexandra Livesay

Copyright © 2021 by Alexandra Livesay.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 01/11/2021

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

751821

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

I

DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE

FOUGHT ADDICTION IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER. I DEDICATE

THIS BOOK TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE LIVED A DAY A MONTH

OR A YEAR ON THE STREETS. AND, I DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO

ALL THOSE WHO HAVE FOUGHT MENTAL ILLNESS AND THE

STIGMA THAT SURROUNDS HAVING A MENTAL ILLNESS.

THANK YOU TO ALL THOSE THAT HAVE HELPED ME

ALONG THE WAY TO OVERCOME MY 30 PLUS YEARS

OF ADDICTION AND LIFE LONG MENTAL ILLNESSES

AS WELL AS THOSE THAT HELPED ME GET OFF THE

STREETS AND BACK INTO A LIFE WORTH LIVING YOU

ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND CONTINUE TO BE…

CHAPTER 1

M Y NAME IS Madeline, she said.

As Madeline looks over the crowd she begins to speak.

"I am here today to tell you a little about my journey through the mental health system. I wasn’t diagnosed with a mental illness when I was young. In fact, I wasn’t diagnosed with a mental illness until three years ago. I always thought I just had ESP or something.

The voices have been with me since I was a young child, so I never knew it was abnormal to have a panel of people in my head running things. Sometimes the voices had clever ideas and sometimes the voices led me astray. As a child people said I was just imaginative or high spirited. I knew better. I was just playing with my friends inside my head.

As a teenager and in college I drowned out the voices with alcohol. I got sober after college and that left me having breakdowns and episodes from time to time. However, despite the setbacks I was able to start and successfully run an art gallery in the historical district downtown.

Then, three years ago, the bottom dropped out for me. I had several suicide attempts in my past but none of that prepared me for what came next. It began with a simple ER visit to get stitches for my latest self-harming activity. I was extremely paranoid that the doctor would try to keep me in the hospital, because I was so extreme in my self-harm actions they made me talk to a psychologist. They decided that it would be good for me to stay for a few days. I decided that was a bad idea. I rebelled and we all know what that means, involuntary hold. I spent several weeks in the hospital and was diagnosed with several mental illnesses and was given medication. I decided to try it since while I was there my head felt clearer than it had in years. This was the start of my recovery.

I was referred to Community Mental Health and was put with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I still resisted treatment, however, but I found that having someone to talk to every week helped some. I didn’t trust much with her at first. Over time though I grew to trust her and she introduced me to a therapy called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Through the training in DBT I learned how to control my emotions and how to survive crisis. It took the next several years with many ups and downs and a lot of family involvement to get to where I am today. I became a Certified Peer Support Specialist in order to give back to the community that gave so much to me. I am sure that many of you can relate to my story and have your own stories of recovery and triumph. I am just one face in this crowd of miracles. Today I aspire to give as much as I receive, live each day one day at a time, and support my clients in any way I can. I hope my story has somehow touched your lives. I hope that you will someday share your story with me. Like I said I am just one face in this large room of peers. We may have jobs that differ in nature but when it comes down to it we all have lived the pain and misery, hate and darkness, and now we live in the light and life again. Thank you so much for allowing me to share with you today."

Thank you, Madeline, for the terrific and triumphant story of your recovery, said Victoria Leddy the chairman of the conference.

We will now disperse to the class offerings for the afternoon and we will meet here tomorrow morning for the closing ceremony, said Victoria.

Madeline turns to leave the stage. She looks at the class offerings and decides on a course on peer rights and Responsibilities in the work place. Madeline makes her way to the conference room and finds a seat. She enjoys the day’s lectures and at the end of the day heads home to her partner Jill.

Hi Jill, I am home, said Madeline.

I am glad it went so well honey, said Jill.

I am so excited to get to start working more now that I have been hired in permanently. I already man the phones and take recipient rights complaints but I will get to start helping the therapists with groups. One I am hoping to help out with is the LBGTQ (lesbian gay bisexual transgender queer) support group.

Jill, sounding less than totally interested, responded That’s great. What else will you be doing?

I might get to go to some of the planning meetings where ideas are passed around for new services availability and planning events for speakers and other events like Walk-A-Mile In My Shoes when it happens. Isn’t that cool?"

"Yeah, sounds great. I think you seem excited about your new job and that is so great.

Well can I just tell you one more thing?

Okay.

I get to help write materials to be used out in the community to help fight mental health stigma. I will occasionally get to go to trainings up north like I did when I got certified but training in other areas like smoking cessation and trauma informed care.

So, you may have weeks where you will be gone again? How often will this be? I need help at the gallery.

It won’t be weeks anymore, that was a one-time thing. The rest of the trainings are two or three days including travel time.

Good. Another 100-hour week would kill me.

Trainings are really fun though. It’s like a mini vacation. You get to go up north and train at the conference center in the woods where at night there is a fire pit and karaoke. Don’t get me wrong, there are long days of hard emotional work and training but we cook out on the beach sometimes for dinner and get to swim in the lake if we want.

Sounds fun honey. Just don’t leave me alone with the gallery to run for an entire week again or I might have to punish you with a wet noodle.

Madeline went into work the next day excited as ever to be there.

Hi Judy, how are you today? Madeline said to her co-worker.

I am good Madeline are you ready to learn some new responsibilities?

I sure am.

Well let’s get started with going over what you will be doing then I will show you how to do everything.

Okay, sounds good.

First we will be getting you together with Brianna. She runs a couple groups you might be interested in helping her with.

What groups does she run?

She runs one of the DBT groups. Not the one you were in but another one. Brianna also runs an active recovery group for dual diagnosed clients and she does LGBTQ group, which I know you have an interest in.

Awesome. I am excited to be able to work with her on any one of those groups.

One of your other duties is going to be helping rewrite the recipient rights hand book. We will be working on that together and for now we want you to work on a Power Point on substance use and how we implement the substance use curriculum here at CMH.

Okay, those last two sound a little overwhelming but I am up to the task.

Remember you will be doing this all while directing calls and taking recipient right complaints. We try to stay busy around here.

It sounds like it.

So Madeline, how are things in the rest of your life?

Oh things are great. My partner Jill is running our gallery while I am here and then I go help out when I am done here. I can say I am happy. Jill is in my life, things are going great and I am loving life. My family is even accepting Jill into our family finally.

That is great Madeline, said Ross as he walks in on the conversation.

Oh, hi Ross, says Judy. This is Madeline. I don’t think you two have met yet. Ross is our new intern starting today in the position that you just left.

Hi Ross, Madeline said.

So, Madeline would you like to take some time to call Brianna and chat about how you may help her with her groups? Judy said.

That sounds good. I’ll go do that in my cubicle now Judy.

Oh, Madeline your cubicle has changed so you might want to get your stuff out of that cubicle and bring it here to the cubicle next to mine. You now do not have to share a cubicle anymore, you have your own.

Wow, way to go Madeline, Ross says.

I’ll go do that now and get settled in my new cubicle and call Brianna. I will check in with you in a bit to work on some of the other things on the list.

Sounds good Madeline. In the meanwhile, I am going to get Ross settled in. Don’t forget to log yourself in to the phone system so you can take calls as they come in as well.

Great, talk to you later.

Madeline goes to her old cubicle and cleans out her drawers and files and moves them over to her new office. She begins putting things away, finding new organization to her previously cluttered area. Mostly it was cluttered due to having to share it with several other workers. She busies herself making a list of the things she would like to bring in to spruce up her cubicle. Madeline finishes her list and picks up the phone.

Brianna, my name is Madeline and I was told to call you about helping you with some of your groups.

Madeline, I have been expecting your call. It is great to have some help. Do you know the groups that I run?

Yes, you have the LGBTQ group, DBT if you want to do both the LGBTQ group and one of the substance use groups.

I would let you do both at the same time.

I definitely want to help with the LGBTQ group and I don’t mind helping with any one of the substance use groups.

Great. How about the active treatment group?

Sounds great. Where do we go from here?

We will need to meet to get you materials and get you up to speed on what is happening in each group.

When would you want to do that?

I have free time between 3-5pm tomorrow. Does that work for you?

I am only here until 4pm tomorrow. Can we meet for an hour 2 different times or I can talk to my supervisor about changing my hours to accommodate our meeting?

I will call Helen who oversees your department and let her know that you need your hours changed so we can meet.

Great, thank you.

Ok, see you tomorrow at 3pm.

Looking forward to it. Bye now.

Madeline checks in with Judy, excited to tell her the news about her groups she will be helping run.

Judy I have news. Oh, I can hang on until you are off the phone, sorry.

Madeline goes back to her cubicle and begins looking through some of her e-mails that she needs to follow up on from her time as an intern. As she works Judy comes in.

What did you need Madeline?

Oh I was just excited to tell you that I talked with Brianna and she wants me to work with her on the LGBTQ group and the Dual Disorder Substance Use group.

That is great! When do those groups meet?

The LGBTQ group meets Tuesdays from two to three thirty. Since I work noon to four I thought that would work out because I would have 30 minutes after the class to do my billing and documentation. What do you think?

That sounds like it would work out just fine with your schedule.

There are several of the substance use groups. There is everything from persuasion and action group to Dual Recovery Anonymous.

Do you know what group you will be helping with?

No we didn’t talk about that yet, but I am hoping to run the DRA group eventually on my own. It used to be run by a peer and I would love the opportunity to try it myself.

Well once you know what group you are going to help with we will fit it into your schedule.

Great. So what else do you want to do today? I have about an hour left before I leave.

Why don’t we start by reading through the Recipient Rights book together so we have an idea where to start on revamping it.

Sounds good.

Madeline heads to the gallery after she is done at CMH. When she gets there Jill is busy with a client so Madeline goes to her office and gets right to work on her correspondence.

Oh hi honey, how was your day? Jill asks Madeline.

It was a great first day. I got my own cubicle, I get to work with the LGBTQ group and the substance abuse groups.

Wow, it sounds like you had a fun day.

Well, it comes with some other less glamorous work as well. I have to help rewrite the recipient rights handbook and I have to do a Power Point on the services we provide for substance abuse services at CMH, all while answering phone calls.

All jobs have their less than fun parts. Speaking of which, how is the grant coming along?

I should have a rough draft done tonight if I stay a little late.

After we close I could go get some dinner and then I have some work to do to so we could just make it a late night if you want to?

Sounds fine, Madeline says as she is already distracted by her work.

Okay, I’ll let you get started with your work.

Okay. Madeline utters, still distracted.

Madeline is deep in finishing the grant when Jill brings in dinner.

So are you ready for some dinner?

Yeah that sounds like a good idea. I am getting nowhere on this right now. I think a break would be just the right thing to help me.

I brought pasta and garlic bread plus salad.

Where from?

From the bistro down the street.

I’ve never eaten there before.

Me either but I heard they are good and we are about to find out.

Madeline and Jill set up a picnic on the floor of the office and snuggle in for a nice romantic dinner. Jill even got candles for the occasion.

This is so nice Jill. Thank you.

Your welcome hon. I just knew we both needed some down time even in the middle of a crazy work day.

Jill leans down and kisses Madeline. They kiss for a few minutes and then they know it’s time to eat and get back to work.

Oh babe, thanks so much for dinner. I needed that and some down time to finish this grant up tonight.

You’re welcome. I’m glad that it helped. I am going to head home and I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh, by the way, when are we going to start moving your stuff to my house? I mean since you are moving in and putting your house up for sale. Since we are going to make this thing of ours official. Laughter erupts from both of them.

I’m going to stay at my house tonight. I need some time in my own bed.

Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon then. Have a good day at work in the morning.

Thanks hon. I love you.

Love you too.

They kiss goodnight and Madeline turns back to her work of finishing the grant as she is so close to being done.

Madeline says to herself, If I can get this done tonight I can get it to the grant editor within the week’s end.

Madeline packs up about ten thirty in the evening and heads home to an empty house as her cat is already living at Jill’s house. Madeline goes home, strips down and crawls in bed and is off to dream land quickly.

Morning comes early as her alarm blares at 6am. Madeline readies herself for her day and drives to work. While at work she gets busy and the time fly’s by quickly. It is coming to the end of her shift and Judy pops her head in Madeline’s cubicle.

Hey Madeline a few of us are going to go out for a drink after work do you want to join us?

Oh, sure, sounds like fun. Where are we going?

The Lamplighter Lounge. They have great burgers and fries.

Ok I’ll call Jill and tell her I won’t be at the gallery tonight. Can I follow you there because I am unfamiliar with where that bar is.

Sure. Just let me get my stuff, then we can go.

Madeline calls Jill at the gallery.

Hey Jill, I am not coming to the gallery tonight and I am going to stay at my place again tonight so I can get some packing done. I’m going out to dinner with a few co-worker’s, then going home to pack.

Oh well, what about the grant Madeline?

I stayed late last night and finished it. It is ready to go to the grant editor. I left a copy and a DVD on my desk for you.

Great thanks. Have fun babe and get some packing done. It sounds good that you are feeling ready to start packing up your stuff now.

Yeah it is time. I practically live at your house anyways and I have just been procrastinating doing what I know has to be done in order to put my house on the market. I am going to get going, my co-worker is waiting for me. I am following her to the place we are going because I have never heard of the place before but I hear they have great burgers and fries. Love you.

Love you to baby. Goodbye.

Bye.

Ready Madeline, Judy says.

Sure am…let’s blow this pop stand.

As they walk out to their cars they chat about the weather and nothing in particular. Madeline follows Judy to the bar and parks.

Madeline, you are going to love the atmosphere here. It is a great after work hang out.

That’s cool but bar’s aren’t really my thing, I’m just coming to get to know some of the people we work with as I still have a lot of people yet to meet.

Well there will be a huge crowd from CMH here. This is the night we take this place over and have a good time.

Good. I can put faces and names together. I transfer calls to a lot of names and titles but haven’t met those individuals yet.

You will. Let’s go in.

They enter the bar and you here a din of people talking, glasses clinking, and music playing in the background. It sounds like 80’s music. The bar is slightly dark but it has a relaxed feel.

Oh Madeline, we are over here. Come on.

Hi Judy. Who is that with you? Samantha asks.

This is Madeline. She just started down in Customer Service Yesterday.

Samantha utters a happy, Welcome.

Hi everyone. I am Madeline. Who are all of you ladies? Madeline asks.

I’m Samantha. Everyone calls me Sam and I work in the adult case management services department.

I’m Joanie, I work in children’s services.

I’m Marlene, I work at crisis services as a counselor.

I am Marsha and I work as a counselor in the adult services area.

I’m Shannon and I work in outreach as a psychiatrist working with the homeless.

I am Jenn. I work as a psychiatrist in the adult services unit.

It’s nice to meet you all. Thanks for having me.

Anytime, says Jenn.

’What’s good to eat here? asks Madeline.

Several people simultaneously say the house special which is a burger and fries.

There burgers are huge, says Sam.

A waitress comes over.

What would you ladies like to drink this evening?

Judy says, ‘I will have a White Russian."

I’ll have a screw driver, says Madeline.

Madeline thinks to herself, Should I be doing this?

Oh, one won’t hurt, she answered herself.

Would you ladies like anything to eat, says the waitress?

Yes I would like the burger and fries original. Madeline would you like something? asks Judy.

Yes. I will have the same thing. Thank you.

So, Madeline, how do you like it at CMH? asks Shannon.

I was in an internship for the last six months working only 10 hours a week and I enjoyed that but now that I am working more hours I am enjoying it even more. Plus, I have more extended duties and opportunities.

That’s neat. When I started, I started in the crisis services department as an assistant. I did that while I was going to school for my MSW (master in social work), says Marlene.

Cool it sounds like you really worked your way up. I am hoping to stay a peer for as long as CMH will have me. See, I own my own gallery in old town, utters Madeline.

Joanie says, That is awesome. How long have you had your gallery?

For two years. I started it up just after I stopped drinking because I needed something to do with my time. It is a non-profit so I do a lot of grant writing, says Madeline.

I have always wanted to own my own business. I wanted to own a little eclectic store that carried eccentricities from all over the world, speaks up Marsha.

That would be cool. Why don’t you do that? asks Sam.

Because there is no security in that and I have a family to think about.

Could you do both? asks Madeline.

I am exhausted after my usual day at CMH and then I go home to four kids that have homework and need dinner and a husband that is tired from working all day too.

I can feel you on that one, Joanie says.

The waitress brings all their dinners.

Oh good I am hungry, Sam says.

Me too, says Madeline.

You hear sounds of everyone eating with a few mm’s and ooh’s as they enjoy their dinners.

Well, wasn’t that good, says Judy, as she wipes her mouth with her napkin."

Yes it was great, says Sam.

Well, I am going to head out, says Judy, I am tired and need to get home to my dog. He probably has his legs crossed since he is used to being let out to potty right after five.

I think I am out of here to, Madeline says, I have to go home and pack.

Why are you packing? asks Marsha.

"I am moving in with my girlfriend and selling my home. It just doesn’t make sense to keep two houses when we only need one. Plus, all the maintenance is a killer.

That makes sense, says Sam.

Good luck with all that work, states Joanie.

Have a goodnight all, says Madeline as she walks out the door.

Madeline heads towards home. She is thinking about that drink she had and wanting more so she stops at the liquor store and gets a gallon of orange juice and a fifth of vodka. Madeline drives home in her little PT cruiser. When she gets home to an empty house she decides to call Jill. She gets her voice mail.

Hi Jill, thought I would call and let you know I am home and starting the daunting task of packing. I am going to turn off my phone since I do not have my charger with me so that I will have it for the morning. Don’t worry about me. I am just going to be packing boxes until I am tired then I will call it a night. I had fun with my coworkers and I may go out with them next Friday again. I think I may come in about noon to the gallery so that I can do some packing in the morning too. Good night babe. I love you.

When Madeline gets off the phone she pulls out the vodka bottle and the orange juice and pours half of the orange juice into a pitcher and puts it into the fridge. Then she takes the vodka and pours half the bottle into the orange juice gallon. She puts the lid on and shakes it up really well. She begins her packing job with a few big swigs of her mixture. Madeline begins assembling boxes and drags a few into her spare bedroom/art room. Madeline drinks throughout the evening while she packs up her art supplies and finished art pieces until she is fall down drunk and the fifth of vodka is gone. Madeline staggers into her bathroom, throws up and staggers to bed. She doesn’t bother to undress. She just falls into bed and passes out.

Madeline’s alarm blares in the morning and she turns it off right away and runs to the bathroom to throw up. She is feeling hungover. Madeline spends about three hours in the bathroom throwing up and milking her hangover. About 9am she begins the process of getting coffee and taking some pain reliever for her headache. Madeline changes into clean clothes and begins packing again. She calls Jill while she is packing to give her an update on her progress.

Hi honey, how are you this morning, asks Madeline?

I am good. The gallery has been unusually busy and I have sold three pieces this morning.

That’s great! Well, the packing continues. I have gotten all my art stuff packed up and I am working on the kitchen now. I didn’t know I had so much crap. We are going to have to have a garage sale or something. We will need to decide what we are keeping of my stuff and what you already have. We don’t need two roasting pans and such.

Yeah, it is going to be work to get us all settled at my place, but it will be worth it in the end.

Yeah, it will be. I better get back to packing. I just wanted to check in and ask you if you want me to come in at all or should I just pack all day?

Don’t worry about coming in. I got the grant over to the editor this morning. I dropped it off to her and though the gallery is busy I am handling it just fine. Stay and pack it seems like the best idea.

Ok hun. I will see you for dinner though right?

Sure how about I come there after work and bring dinner with me?

Sounds good.

Ok bye babe

I love you goodbye.

I love you too, goodbye.

Madeline decides to go get some newspapers for packing the breakables in. She also takes with her the orange juice container from the living room floor where she found it this morning and the vodka bottle to dispose of them so Jill wouldn’t find out about her night of drinking. Madeline is still somewhat hung over and decides to grab a couple bottles of water while she is out. She also grabs trash bags.

When Madeline gets back to the house she starts by cleaning out the fridge of all the condiments and half used junk in the refrigerator. Some of it doesn’t smell very good and Madeline’s stomach is still weak from her night of drinking so she doesn’t open anything to see if it is still good. The only thing she keeps out of the fridge is the soy sauce as she knows it is good and Jill doesn’t have any. Madeline moves on to the freezer and decides some of this is worth saving so she gets her ice chest out of the garage and packs it with ice from the ice maker and loads up what she wants to keep including the soy sauce.

Madeline decides to take the food over to Jill’s house. She makes the quick trip and is back to packing up the kitchen. She finishes packing the kitchen about the time Jill shows up for dinner.

Hi honey, Madeline says, as she tapes up the last box.

Hi. I brought pizza. It is simple and not messy. I even brought paper plates.

Good idea. I got the kitchen done today including taking some food over to your house. Your freezer is now stuffed but it did all fit.

That’s good. So after dinner what do you want to tackle? I am here to help.

I thought we could get all the electronics packed in my car and take them to your house tonight.

Ok, sounds like a plan. You know we are going to have to have a garage sale. We don’t need four TV’s, two DVD players and such.

True, but I am keeping my computer.

We will find room for you to have a computer desk and a nook for yourself. You could put it in my computer room.

Yeah, but that room is a mess.

"I know I