Why I Stayed in an Abusive Marriage: Live, Love, Learn, and Leave

By Sarah Winters

When she became engaged to a friend, Sarah Winters believed she was finally free from her parents’ control and an arranged marriage of their choice. Even better yet, she was certain the life she had read about in fairy tales would now be hers. Unfortunately, she could not have been more wrong.

In a poignant narrative, Winters chronicles the chain of events that led her into the darkness of an abusive marriage and the profound eventual realization that she must escape. As she reveals how she searched for answers amid endless and brutal abuse, Winters also describes her husband’s true character as it surfaced through his actions fueled by jealousy, mistrust, and insecurities. Finally after she decided to escape by seeking asylum abroad, Winters details how she secretly left the country and returned home, vowing to face any consequences (even death) at the hands of her husband.

Why I Stayed in an Abusive Marriage is a story of immense courage, perseverance, a never-give-up attitude that chronicles a woman’s experiences with an eventual escape from decades of abuse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Sep 23, 2020
• ISBN: 9781982254377

Sarah Winters

Sarah Winters grew up a shy and unassuming girl who eventually married and had three children. Today, she is a divorced insurance executive who enjoys dreaming, creating art, and penning poetry. This is her first book.

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Copyright © 2020 Sarah Winters.

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ISBN: 978-1-9822-5436-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-5438-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-5437-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020917006

Balboa Press rev. date: 09/22/2020

To all my readers

Before, I stood where you stand,

And I certainly don’t mind.

I only hope that, one day,

You too will soon find

That you are not a portrait of this land.

The ocean I viewed,

In time, you’d tell me that you knew

That it too, as it seemed,

Has not one of its people redeemed,

And soon, there may be

Not a grass or a tree,

Just as precious, as you know

How your life was not for free,

But to live

in eternity.

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CONTENTS

Preface

Chapter 1 The Decision

Chapter 2 The Diary

Chapter 3 The Gift

Chapter 4 Being Cautious

Chapter 5 To Remember

Chapter 6 The Prescription

Chapter 7 The Guinea Pig

Chapter 8 A Solution

Chapter 9 The Split Personality

Chapter 10 Counselling

Chapter 11 The Disappointment

Chapter 12 The Illusion

Chapter 13 The Choice

Chapter 14 The Push

Chapter 15 Leaving Home

Chapter 16 The Conversations

Chapter 17 The Storm

Chapter 18 My Departure

Chapter 19 Crossing Borders

Chapter 20 The Counselling

Chapter 21 The Workplace

Chapter 22 Confidence

Chapter 23 Going Back

Chapter 24 My Return

Chapter 25 The Report

Chapter 26 The Case

Chapter 27 My Reflections

Chapter 28 Managing the Home

Epilogue

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PREFACE

T his is a compilation of episodes that outline the situation, the characters involved, and the wisdom born out of the situation following a change in perspective. The facts that are presented and interpreted might seem to exculpate as time passes. In the wake of wrong thinking, we can definitely solve our problems and not become slaves to them. Introspection is highly recommended as we seek the answers to the many questions that arise in our lives.

Fear of the system, of having our lives judged by society, causes us to analyse ourselves in a critical way and veer us from our real mental being. As you digest each chapter in this book, you will understand that after analysing problems, eventually, a solution shows itself.

We all have the individual responsibility to change and not to fully depend on society. Blaming others is a result of lacking comprehension of oneself. Distinguishing different perspectives allows change. By examining our deepest beliefs about our experiences, we can make our lives work the way we want them to. These chapters are all real-life stories with features common to all sufferers of domestic violence.

It is the great determination to change her lifestyle that drove this writer to think beyond the normal state of things. Sometimes, help comes from different sources of persuasion, but the best source is your own wish for a better and peaceful ending to that which was once abusive. Real success comes when both parties thrive to become open without blaming others, rid themselves of the counterfeit whims and destructive ways of thinking, and find an amicable solution to complete their lives together.

In almost all cases, time away from each other and the abusive environment has proven beneficial in understanding situations. Being committed to improvement and reprioritising your life will also improve your individual health, and your life’s purpose will become more meaningful. This is her contribution to society. I hope it inspires individuals to create a better living standard that serves as an example to others.

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CHAPTER 1

The Decision

You cast a thought into the world and it comes to life.

You cast another thought to resist, only this time in strife,

And then you bide and bide in your troubles

Because you think there is nothing more to life.

Then you wish and wish with all your might

That, even though your troubles flow,

You got to do this to make it right.

A lthough my decision to leave my parents’ home again seemed mindless, I thought I was finally free from all their controls. I was sure the life that I had read about in fairy-tale books would now be mine. When my friend decided to marry me, freeing me from being forced into the arranged marriage of my family’s choice, it pushed me to return to his home. That day, knowing he had already left for work, I thought maybe he would expect me to be back. I imagined he had probably left the room opened for me, but it was locked. I spent the day with his family, eagerly waiting for him to get home from work.

I explained to them, that he came to my workplace smiling, and told me that he is taking me to his home, and I am never going back to my parents’. I knew my mother would find me here, because I have been telling her about him, hoping that she might consider my choice, but she insisted on me marrying someone of her preference. It was only when she said, that the decent thing to do was to have a wedding ceremony, then come back here, as she kept crying and begging me to go back home with her, affirming that it was a promise, I went back. Later that night she maintained that I will marry who she chose and locked me in a bedroom where I screamed and cried all night, until one of my brothers said that he will take me back in the morning. I wanted to reach earlier, and felt disheartened as he had already left for work and there were no means of communicating with him. My only choice was to wait until he gets home.

Evening came, and as he entered the kitchen, he saw me standing next to the table. I began to feel disturbed as he just stood there, staring fiercely at me without speaking. Then he sat on the chair and continued to eat his dinner. After he was finished eating, he got up and left. I remained in the kitchen because he made no indication for me to go with him to his room.

He returned a few minutes later and shouted, Why are you here? Then he ran towards me, punched me in my stomach, and yelled, Get out! Then he left. His parents stood by and said nothing, as if they were afraid of him. I did not scream or cry, but I felt scared and confused as I watched him rush towards the road. It was already dark, and I was even more scared to walk out at night. I ran downstairs crying and decided to wait until morning, so I hid under a lime tree close to the house. I stared fearfully towards the roadway in case he came looking for me. After some time had passed, I saw his mother coming towards the tree. She told me she had a feeling I was hiding here because she hadn’t seen me leave. She said she would hide me in her room until morning, and I could leave then.

Later that night, he came into her room, as if he knew I was there. I felt shattered when I stood up. With a gentle voice, he told me to come into his room. He explained how sorry he was for punching me and that he wanted me to stay—on the condition that I would always do exactly as he said. He went on to give further details about why he had punched me. He said he’d become so worried when I left him, until he remembered that he had left instructions that I was not supposed to leave the house. But I left anyway and went back to my parents’ home.

The other reason he chose me over his last girlfriend was that she wanted to do her own thing. He thought I was different and believed I would obey him and stay with him. But when he realised I had disobeyed him, he got angry. He also insisted that I had only come back because I found myself in trouble with my parents, which he was trying to avoid in the first place. But I should listen to him from now on, he said, because he would protect me.

I accepted his apology and promised to listen to him. I believed he really cared for me, and naturally, he had reacted in anger because I had disobeyed his instructions. And it was truly my fault. For those reasons, I agreed to stay. These reasons were all hidden in my heart, as I remembered my mother teaching me that we must obey our husbands—an important rule to have a balanced life. I felt pleased with myself; I thought everything would be all right with me and I would adjust to his lifestyle.

If someone had only told me that the first sign of abuse—especially hitting me—was the most terrible of all warnings. There was no justification for his actions, and hitting someone is never a solution to ease tensions. Perhaps then my decision to stay would have been different and I would not have accepted his apologies. But then again, my decision might have remained the same. Because the way out from under my parents’ control was made clear by him. That was the binding aspect for my release, and whatever followed, I believed I could make it work for me.

Later that night, I realised how extensively I must have hurt my mother’s feelings. I was overflowing with guilt. I did not mention anything about this to him; instead, I kept this to myself. I had disobeyed her for the first time in my life, and I felt ashamed to face her again. Her words keep resounding in my head, as I remembered her looking up at me from downstairs, crying and telling me, You will never get accustomed to this type of life.

I knew she was referring to his home. It was quite different from our home. It was a wooden house with no fencing, surrounded by grass, mud, and trees. At the time, I did not think about what she was saying. It did not matter to me because I remembered wishing to live in the countryside. I thought it would not be difficult to fit into his lifestyle.

I had a good relationship with his siblings. His mother never complained, because I enjoyed chipping in with the household duties. My role was cleaning the front area of the house, where I stayed. While cleaning, I remembered what my father used to say to us: Whenever you do something, even if it is picking up garbage, do it with pride. Never do things halfway. I even cleaned the back steps of the house.

Their lifestyle was quite different from what I was accustomed to. There was a galvanised bathroom outside and an outhouse. I was terrified to go in there. I thought that was one of the things I would never get accustomed to. The cooking and living arrangements were also different, but I soon fell naturally into their way of life and never complained. I did not even notice that my manner of speech was now becoming less formal and less quiet. I was a little louder and used broken speech, as one of my former colleagues pointed out to me.

I was living with him separately in his bedroom towards the front of the house, which provided a bit more privacy and comfort. As time passed, it was decided I should look for another job, so I wrote a few applications and posted them. In the meantime, he asked me to remain at home. During my time at home, I was introduced to a few of our close neighbours. Almost all of them were farmers who worked their lands, along with some animals. There were a few who worked elsewhere.

I received an offer to attend an interview at a local bank. This time, he actually stayed away from his job to take me to the interview. Everything was fine. Talking with him was easy because he understood me. I told him everything I could remember about my family and me. I even told him that I had lied to my mother about being married to him already, before I came back to his house. And for that reason, they allowed me to return. He had no arguments about that. It was decided that we really should get married. We went to the local registration office and a date was set for a few months later.

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CHAPTER 2

The Diary

Life was created and encouraged.

Then we recreate it as we get discouraged.

It is necessary

To expand when the time is ready

Because the flipside of your demise

Is presented for you to use and resize.

D uring my time at his home, everything went well. He would go to work, and I stayed in his room without much to do. I received a letter from the bank stating that my interview had been successful. I was thrilled and could not wait for him to return home from work to tell him. But all that excitement came to nil. He decided that I should not take the job because he would not be able to visit or call me, and I’d be