A Story of Love and Suicide: A Bullet Through His Head, Pierced an Arrow Through My Heart

By Pinkstone

The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 NIV “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, who can understand it?”
The Bible also says in John 8:32 NIV “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”.

She captured and embraced the loss of a love that was never hers to begin with. A story of Love and Suicide is a non-fiction, based upon the experiences of a woman who trusted a fragile, but deceiving human heart full of love, full of longing and sorrow, full of pain and full of secrets.
He was tall and handsome. He was intelligent, sophisticated, charming and above all, he seemed to have adored her. He was a ladies man and she could not resist him. He seemed everything she had always dreamed of except, hidden beneath a playfully, inviting, confident and warm exterior was a melancholy, lonely, hurt, angry, wounded, and doomed soul, who would later take his own life. She was suddenly a woman torn, confused, isolated, defeated, betrayed and damaged. Picking up the pieces of her life would be difficult and trusting her heart again would prove something that only God could help her do.
Pinkstonebooks.com

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 29, 2020
• ISBN: 9781728365404

Pinkstone

Pinkstone is a published author of several books/titles. She has been a self published author since 2007 and later revised her first book on 2015. She is a previous business owner and communications associate, she currently spends her time writing, public speaking and collecting art.

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© 2020 Pinkstone. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 06/27/2020

ISBN: 978-1-7283-6541-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-6540-4 (e)

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New International Version (NIV)

Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

English Standard Version (ESV)

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation

Contents

Introduction

Synopsis

Another Day at the Office

Something Doesn’t Feel Right

Cold Encounters

Whose Business Was It Anyway

Words of Wisdom

A Secret Revealed

Sick But Not Tired

Atlantic City, Here We Come

The Long Talk

A Painful Silence

Conclusion

Things to look for in anyone who may be suicidal

References

Introduction

S uicide is the tenth leading cause of death, with the underlying cause being, depression.

Much like the Universe, suicide has its own language. I believe that many things unknown have a particular language, as death holds no exception. There seems to be a solution, in which one believes, that there is an existence of some sort of reality beyond what we, as humans, may be able to grasp. Many people seem to simply tire themselves of life, and all that it has to offer, or feel that they need or want something more than what is here, on earth. Perhaps, life is not anything that one soul can handle in contrast to any other. Maybe there are some folk who feel that they are not strong enough to handle what the world has to offer or could it be that this glorious Universe, is simply, not good enough for certain beings.

I believe that all life forms have a time to expire and that suicide, like other illnesses, is merely that person choosing to use their ability to control when life ends for them, selecting to use the ultimate human freedom of choice. When I think in terms of reality and truth, there is this realization that, distance and inaccessibility are our real truths in this world. The context in which we choose to die, can be a subconscious choice and therefore, is a significant and interconnected component to the thought process of the individual, as much as it is, who he/she has become, while existing, surviving as a means of existing in his/her place and time.

In the year 2000 a certain Gentleman, that I knew too well, committed suicide. I believe that there was something gravely troubling in his life and he was desperate to rid himself from an unbearable suffering that I, nor anyone else, recognized at the time. He was probably feeling isolated and misunderstood beneath a strong and steady exterior. I don’t know if he felt like he had no social support. I do know that he had multiple personal problems that he seemed determined not to share with me. It was some time later, I would come to know about his many tribulations, and of a very personal illness, in particular, Clinical Depression .

According to an online article written by an organization called The Mayo Clinic, Clinical Depression can be serious, mild or temporary episodes of sadness. In reading many of the symptoms, I must admit that The Gentleman had most, if not all, of them. If only I had known then what I know now. Those feelings of sadness, emptiness and hopelessness were not things that I readily saw but there were moments of lost pleasures and a definite and certain lack of interest. I saw moments of insomnia, tiredness and an acute lack of energy. Months before The Gentleman took his own life, I had noticed a lost of weight, him not eating and he had trouble concentrating and thinking, at times, which caused him to become irritated by the smallest of things. His back bothered him often, as he suffered from terrible backaches during those moments, often walking as if he’d dislocated his shoulder. There were times when he could barley walk, the excruciating pain in his back, a sort of Achilles’ heel. I noticed that his mom was in a wheel chair because she too, had severe back pains, so I attributed most of The Gentleman’s problems with his back being associated with a genealogical branch that reaches out from its tree trunk. He had become withdrawn of late and would often tell me that he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to be left alone; those were the days and nights that he’d stay at his place which was more than 45 minutes down the parkway from where I resided. Someday I know that I will see him again. I think of him often. He seems forever connected to me in an odd and paculiar sort of way.

Synopsis

T here are truly forces that are beyond the human consumption, just as there is natural growth from the ground of the soul, rich in psychological images that emerges from that which often plagues those who have futures of greatness. These mysterious forces, seem to focus on those individuals with promised, powerful destinies. The evil one, the one many Christians who believe in the Bible, the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, call Satan, I suppose, he is a master at disguises and landscapes the world with specific, but deathly poison, such as, that of the folly and, what some say is a cowardice act of suicide; I’d say that it is an attempt to make a cruel mockery of the beauty of the life of someone that God has chosen, created and designed to near perfection. It is indeed, the evil one, that old and forlorn spirit that can harm and desires to manipulate and discourage through an act of self-immolating love. This thing, this immolating love brings with it a tragic ending to the acknowledgement of the greatest gift given to mankind by God, that being, the gift of life. Could it be something entirely different? Could it be all about your individual soul and the life you plan before you are born? Sometimes there are deeper meanings to life’s challenges for us to learn from. Sometimes I wonder if suicide is a type of turning point for an individual’s soul.

Suicide could very well be another lesson performed by an actor on the stage of life; but like many lessons, the performance has to continue, in spite of its shocking revelations, leaving rattled and chaotic characters scrabbling behind, to put the puzzle of events together in hopes that he or she may learn from the specific experience before moving on to yet, another chapter, another performance another realization, another play, or to move on to a nonphysical realm. Some lessons can be extremely shocking to that of the human psyche forcing one into, yet another, of life’s metamorphosis; however, counseling can be a valuable means for one who tries to come to terms with what, may have caused the imbalance that motivated the individual to commence the unthinkable act of suicide, sometimes known as the last dance of the period between life and death. The ultimate cure would be to seek, find, learn, grow and develop the power that is within each of us as we begin to embrace the significance and purpose of that invisible thing called the Holy Spirit and that of the unknown. There are life lessons that maybe too catastrophic for the human mind and thus, may cause illnesses/disease within the human brain and its’ fragile body, especially if things are not put into proper perspective. Mental and physical sickness can be an indication of an induction of a profound lesson in the making; what did I just say? In other words, there are those who have physical, identifiable, structural, functional or chemical imbalances in the brain that may be due to one or more traumas in life or some sort of brain damage; these traumas and/or problems can cause individuals who are sometimes very young or old to commit suicide, especially when gone unnoticed and/or untreated.

I truly believe that there are people who are born into the world with a purpose and that purpose is to fulfill tragedy in the form of death, with their own hands. Sometimes I can’t help but to think that the evil forces, unbeknown to us, knows the depth of greatness in certain individuals and thus these demonic, invisible forces are diligent in seeking those individuals in an attempt to break their spirits, wear them down so that they will ultimately destroy themselves before they can be of any real value to the world. Suicide, I suppose is the evil one’s demonic attempt to destroy. It is this entity that desires to ruin the providence that God has for a certain soul or individual, in an attempt to manipulate and emphasize that which is not, a true measure of life or could it be a way of reaching the ultimate, the highest intention to give and receive love, that being, a final feeling of triumph.

People who commit suicide, although may have mental health issues that have gone unnoticed or undetected, have a lack of self awareness, respect for life, purpose and self love and let’s not forget, gratitude for all those things that are given to us freely in and all around us. He or she, simply does not realize that life is a valuable and precious gift given to them by God, the one creator of all. We have to learn to appreciate the stage of life that God has created and has undoubtedly, purposefully and specifically chosen for each individual experience. God gave all of mankind, not only the hidden treasures embodied within each of us, but outer treasures consisting of family, friends and even strangers to assist with lessons to be learned on the earth plain. The mere act of suicide teaches lessons for those who are left behind, in spite of its Shakespearean theatrics and the battle scars and drama that is left in ones’ subconscious. In spite of its shame, horror, nauseating predicaments and in some cases scandalous events, we must believe that it remains an experience for the betterment of soul.

For one to learn and to appreciate the gift of life and the gift of free will, both of which God has given to man, one must rid him or herself of the ego and pride, that which often drives the desire for wealth and riches and power over others. Suicide is the one act that can tare families apart or bring them closer together; hopefully it will bring people closer together so that they can focus on the more substantial things in life.

Many have said and would agree that suicide is considered a selfish act, but I beg to differ, as I believe it is a desperate cry to free the mind and the soul when the mind and soul are in a weakened, weary state and the spirit has been under attach and broken. There are facets of the mind that are much like that of a computer that can become overwhelmed, overloaded, out of touch with reality and finally at a point where a shutdown is unstoppable. Suicide is a person giving up on life because self love has lost its luster, its anchor, its’ worth and value to life and gratitude of any and everything has vanished. The selfish aspect of suicide is usually when a person is in so much mental pain that he/she is unable to think of anyone but him or herself, not realizing that tomorrow is another day and another chance at changing things. Unfortunately, the perception of stress can be highly individualized and thus has different effects on different people; just as the body experiences many illnesses, so does the mind as it relates to individual souls, especially in certain people where hope has all, but run its course.

Suicide isn’t any different, then cancer, heart attacks, liver disease and other diseases of the body that may cause death. After a loved one has committed suicide, one must allow him or herself to move pass the embarrassment, fear, pain, mistrust, anger, pity, agony and confusion that are often accompanied by the act. There has to be an absence of blame and discomfort. Realize that the individual has exercised his or her choice of freewill and that the fault and control is something that they took with them and should not be