Structural Pandemonium

By Victoria Fatiregun

This book is a non-fiction novel, detailing poetry and novel style writing to accentuate ideas of humanity that have existed from the origin of time. The encountering in this novel are to detail the contradictions of mankind, and the potential moderations of our abstract system of operations. Abstraction is the key in this novel for a source of ideas, whereby the readers can choose what they want to take away from it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Jul 14, 2020
• ISBN: 9781984595393

Book preview

STRUCTURAL

PANDEMONIUM

Victoria Fatiregun

Copyright © 2020 by Victoria Fatiregun.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 06/24/2020

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Contents

A Very Short Introduction : The beginning of my life as I know it…

Chapter 1     Keep evolving (Stream of Consciousness)

Chapter 2     Sad and Happy

Chapter 3     I love where I live

Chapter 4     Confusion

Chapter 5     we messed you

Chapter 6     Battles

Chapter 7     the pattern has changed

Part Two

Characters of a kind

Chapter 1     Patience is a virtue

Chapter 2     Chocolate Milk

Chapter 3     reflection

Chapter 4     Cold and Dim Day

Chapter 5     myriad of emotions

Chapter 6     Short

Chapter 7     Poetry

Chapter 8     Poetry

Chapter 9     too much for words alone

Chapter 10   looking Good

Chapter 11   Living

Chapter 12   The same as before

Chapter 13   Christ takes us to new destinations

Chapter 14   Depth

Chapter 15   Hope

Chapter 16   Love

Chapter 17   Glitter

Chapter 18   no words

Chapter 19   what we are discussing

Chapter 20   a lot to say

Chapter 21   to discuss

Chapter 22   blessings

Chapter 23   faith

Chapter 24   early risers

Chapter 25   simple life

Chapter 26   all the things

Chapter 27   what to say?

Chapter 28   questions

Chapter 29   success

Chapter 30   patience with emotions

Chapter 31   with all our experiences

Chapter 32   rolling on

To dress to impress (Epilogue (s)

A Very Short Introduction

The beginning of my life as I know it…

A Very Short Introduction: The beginning of my life as I know it so far

I go to an educational institution that is interesting in spirit; what I mean by this is, is that there are different kinds of people, and things are happening that is, fighting, arguing, unfairness, rudeness, laughter, banter, seriousness, exams, bullying. All these occur in a day, and life is very busy. Everyone cooperating and going about their lives.

The fighting usually occurs when people just want to annoy people, and are really bored. They want to feel lively, and pushing people makes them feel lively. This seems like a fitting explanation for me, and then the arguing occurs, because people like to feel like they are right about things, I certainly want to feel like I am right about things, so I argue too. Unfairness can occur because not everyone likes each other to put it simply.

The rudeness occurs because people do not like to be proven wrong, and they want to show the person that they are not all high and mighty. Laughter occurs because funny things happen all day, banter is the same sort, but more based around scenarios such as someone’s appearance or their likes or dislikes. Seriousness occurs because educational institutions are for studying, the same with exams. Bullying is harder, that is a thing that I cannot begin to dissect because I don’t get it either honestly. I think bullies even sometimes don’t get themselves. It’s a very strange thing.

Educational institutions can be beautiful, or not very, it depends on the architecture. It also depends on the individual, this is very, very subjective. Sometimes the inside is gorgeous, and the outside is not, or the outside is gorgeous but the inside is not. I would much prefer the inside to be beautiful, because the inside is the heart. If the outside is nice, it doesn’t do much apart from to be looked at, but the inside is the living space, and that is much more important.

I like to make people smile, life can be sad, and many people experience pain. I like to see bright smiles and happiness all around. It is possible to smile even in sadness, it’s all about perspective. There is always hope in the bleakest of circumstances, that really is true. I like to make people joke, even when I’m not in a jokey mood, because there is always time to smile. Moping doesn’t help anyone, and it makes you a little happier knowing you’ve put a smile on someone else’s face. Honestly. Try it.

It’s really hard. But you can try, I promise it’s worth trying for. You may not think so, but it is. Sometimes I feel bad because I don’t try to make strangers smile, but that can get a little scary! Familiar territory is easier, and I won’t branch out just yet, but I will try to try, as I like to say, because it can be hard to try when you are scared! But that’s all I can do for now.

Hopefully I’ll be able to do more later.

Chapter 1

Keep evolving (Stream of Consciousness)

I like watching Netflix. It is fun, but apart from that, I write reviews of movies and shows, which is even better! I get to tell someone what is good, and what is bad, to inform their decision on watching the thing. I love this!

YouTube is fun too, you get to know a little of people from videos!

I’m aware that You tube is not life, and that there will always be issues. We can only try our best to make change. This is easier for me than trying my best.

We need darkness to survive the light, I think. I’m not always smiley, but I always try to do it as much as possible. And not just on the outside, to feel it too. Fortunately, it has not been hard for me. Even when it does get hard, I will try to understand that it is about surviving the light.

I’ve gone off on a tangent, Netflix to life lesson? Well, everything is interconnected anyway, so who really cares?

I like lively music, and it can literally be any kind, it depends really. I want to hurry up and write this book and make it a masterpiece, and I want everyone to buy it and I want praise. And that disgusts me, because that is excessive pride, and it embarrasses me too. If you all hated this book, at least I could know I’m not meant to be a writer.

In all honesty I am writing this book. About the scenario. I genuinely do like writing, I’m not forcing myself to write these words, but I do tell you that I dream of success, and sometimes it gets to my head even before the journey has even started.

I hope if you do like this book, that I can remain humble. I’m not trying to be pop culture relatable, but I am trying to be relatable, because that matters in a really good book. I don’t want to say novel, because taking that title seems presumptuous, and I do not want to be in the same genre as the novel.

Whenever I watch TV shows or movies, I always think keep evolving or what is the point!? Try to be different, and you may well end up in an unexpected place.

There are so many references I can plop in here, but it will lose its meaning. Some of you will hate it regardless, but don’t worry, I’ll surely be going to Goodreads and trying to improve.

This does not mean that I take criticism well, but I can, if you know what I mean.

I’m moving on to discuss something rarely talked about. Jealousy is what I call a natural human form of aggression. This can lead to death. Mainly due to its link to hatred, which is what I call a strong emotion.

I woke up this morning feeling very tired, but I still did my little routine, because that made me feel alive, and it was lovely to feel such joy even while tired.

We can’t always put a smile on our faces, but we can try, even in the darkest of times.

I get that stuff happens, horrendous stuff, which no one will smile at. But is it possible to smile? I think there are always options for that, I hope there are.

Passion in a human is not madness, it is beauty. That is what makes us feel alive.

Sitting in the dark never makes me happy. I think that it swallows you up, and that is not fun. I like light, it reminds me of beauty and good things. Even a dimmer scenario is depressing in my mind. I don’t like it at all. It makes me feel like I need to have something fresh to relax my mind, to find beauty.

Things left behind bother me too, I would say that is a flaw, because that is just a part of life.

I need to get over it really, but the light always brings forth something fresh.

Some people don’t understand why you do the things that you do, but as long as you know, why does it matter? Ignore everybody else and listen to yourself. It is hard, but in some situations, we know what we know.

I woke up this morning feeling better because I knew I was meeting friends. There is something refreshing about that.

I am now outside and sitting on a bench. It isn’t in the grassland, but in the place of buildings and noise. I can smell food and drink, and air is refreshing .It is September, the month of the new academic year, and the month where it starts to get wetter and colder. Sooner or later, you won’t want to get out of bed.

Winter is coming. (I snuck in a Game of Thrones reference) can you blame me? As I was saying, autumn is the month of a weird new beginning. It is not new year, but a new year for those who go to educational institutions, and a new season for everyone else. A season full of spice when one goes outside on a bench surrounded by buildings.

I feel precarious like this though, it seems like once you step outside, you are out of your comfort zone. You are there to be a trophy to impress everyone, stranger or no, and it doesn’t matter, none of it does. I wonder whether my friends will call me when they are at the meeting spot, we agreed to meet at one.

Also, when you are amongst buildings, you can’t just not be on your phone because that seems strange in a techno developed world. Why would you not want a phone? Everyone asks? Why would you not want the latest phone, or a good phone at that?

I don’t like pigeons. Aren’t they meant to be wary of me? They got too close, I’ve always been afraid birds. Why aren’t they in the sky? Why have they come to bother me down below?

I’m craning my neck and it hurts, but I’ll look up when I stand. It’s nearly time to stand at the meeting spot, hoping I see them somewhere. Luckily, as I sit on the bench, the bench is comfortable. I could put emojis with the words, but that kind of spoils it doesn’t it? It develops the language and it seems Uber developed. I don’t want that, I don’t know if you do.

The movement from urban to nature, Green. Green is the grasslands and green is the trees. Green is the leaves and green is on the breeze. Amongst nature there is urban, but in my view, they are not attacking each other.

Chapter 2

Sad and Happy

You can be sad and happy at the same time. You can have moments of happiness, but the pursuit of happiness is to me the pursuit of perfection, which I believe is impossible in the here and now. What do you believe? I wonder about what others believe all the time, and sometimes I think I know the people close to me very well, until I notice I don’t really know them at all. If I don’t understand my own emotions, how much more somebody else’s?

I can jump from sadness to happiness in a moment, and that makes me sad within itself, but I don’t reflect on it too much because it does not take part in an inner circle of my life or daily life, so I don’t dwell on it.

I want you to relate to my emotions, to feel what I feel, only because it will make this story better. I dream of being a literary icon. I dream of making money from what I love, that would be a life well lived for me.

I’ve got a word count to hit.

I don’t want to be fearful. I want to be strong, I am on the path to this I think, and I am glad to be so. I am being helped by the Holy Spirit and I love that, it gives me a lot of peace. What gives you peace? In strenuous situations, I’ve got peace because of what I put my faith in, and that makes me happy.

Sometimes you have to do uncomfortable things because you are placed in a situation, but it is what it is, and at least I know what is going on in my head.

My hope in the Lord Jesus Christ gives me the peace I have in my soul right now. I know that I will feel good again, because Jesus Christ, my Lord has brought peace to me. No matter my dents, he has my back.

I am bored. The reason being that I had to take a break from the mammoth of the book I was reading. I am not trying to be overconfident or anything, you need a break from it, trust me. I am listening to music. I don’t think this is the mood I am in that I should be doing anything else really. Why would I? Music is peaceful, and it can get me back into the rhythm of reading the book.

Writing this page reminds me of when I was on the bench outside. It also reminds me of those quiet times when the world stays still. The only difference is that I am not outside, I am inside. I am inside a building, with all the nature outside, yet I feel the same emotion. It is less so because I am outside, but more so because of the boredom, of the idea of not knowing what to do that is very interesting in that moment, but that happens to everyone I think.

I really enjoy listening to music from television shows that I like, it is peaceful, and when I’m in a good mood, it makes me cry. When I’m in a bad mood, it makes me smile. I don’t think that is funny, but it is the way music moves me. I find the idea of quiet comforting and unsettling at the same time.

Chapter 3

I love where I live

I reside in a small city, surprisingly enough, it is a city instead of a town, due to the fact that it maintains a cathedral. In my personal view, it can be rather drab, with an outdated shopping mall, and unkempt streets. It has its nice parts too, like any other city. It has a massive beautiful shopping mall with many options and is genuinely beautiful to look at. It has many hidden gems too, with lovely garden, and places near roundabouts that you can look into and dream.

These tend to be nearer to the outside of the place, pointing to the fact that the center is rather drab. I don’t hate this small city. I think, like every place, it has its bad parts and good parts. The sad thing about this place is, that the bad part is at the center. I know that some people who live elsewhere, in villages and towns, might find it beautiful, but when things remain unchanged for many years, one can easily get bored in a city.

I live in an urban area, near the center, which hasn’t changed much in recent years. It has a feel, a culture to it that I very much enjoy. During the daytime, we have noise going on about the place, making it feel very much alive, and if you ever walk past, you can often get a little reflective about the different types of people that live here.

There are people who smoke alone, there are people who get drunk at daytime, and there are building works going on all day. At night is the busiest time, with loud screeches, and people playing loud music to wake the entire street up. Urban is alive in my personal definition, and that’s why I love it. I hate that it looks a little dirty, but it also gives it a feel that feels homely. I feel comfortable with it.

It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, urban. Usually because it can sometimes be associated with dangerous, but I have whole heartedly never had a problem, ever. And the place is very much alive. I love where I live, it feels homely, and yes, there are posh places, which are also nice, and have their quirks, but I love where I live. It feels more real, this way, more lifelike. I’ve been to other parts and I much prefer mine. This is only a personal experience, so you have the right to your own opinion.

The city is old, and used to look very different to the way it does now. Urban is quite a new thing, and it used to look more wildlife-like, mirrored by national places such as a beautiful green park, that was the whole of the place! Although I like Urban, I also really like greenery, it feels very simple, which is lovely I think I like that it holds no artificiality, although the urban does the same in some senses, the people make it lively.

In the wildlife, the animals and insects make it lively. The living beings of a place, make a place, and that is the beauty of a place. Stuff happens, but I think that we can really marvel at life, it’s easy for me to say, I’ve had it easy, but I want people to remember this more in the tough times, and do something that makes you feel alive, for that is so beautiful.

In the end, even though the city is really not a city, and the city is dirty and drab, it is full of lively beings who make it more pleasant to live in the city The outskirts are beautiful too, and I hope the living beings there are having a lovely time.

Chapter 4

Confusion

I don’t want to entertain anger, and I want to entertain patience. I want to entertain peace. This is what I wish. This is what I try to Exert. This feels passive aggressive, but honestly, I’m in a weird mood right now and I’m sorry about how this comes off. I’m guessing it comes off passive aggressive, and I’m sorry. Entertaining happiness is the best thing you can do in darkness. There is beauty in hope, and I am not trying to point out a middle ground, but something better.

I will make mistakes, I know that, and this is a good thing to understand. But I want to do better. A step towards the perfection but trying my best, because it is not that. It is Kindness, thankfulness and peace.

I fear that some people that I want to read this book won’t. Practice, practice, practice until perfect.

I don’t like the night, I like the morning. It is clear to me.

I think that we will go through a life long journey of discovery, and I hope by the end we have learnt something.

I feel like passive aggression is easier than straight up anger, but I don’t even want to entertain that. Sure, it’s hard, but you don’t have to let it consume you. I felt like writing that was some sort of profound experience, I feel like reading this out loud would also be a profound experience. I do not know, maybe I am wrong. What I have noticed is that there is an innate mode of wanting to impress people with your words, with your pretty words, even though you tell yourself you don’t care, you always will. Is that not a part of life?

Sometimes you just stare into open air and do whatever, and sometimes you just want to write a bestseller and get all the fame. This is me. That’s not why I write though, I write because I have a passion for it, and it’s nice to get a pat on the head for doing good, but I have to be careful about my pride, and assuming that it will get any measure of success at all.

I’m only a human, and I think there are limits to my capability. I appreciate my own humanity, and it is very important I think. Sometimes you feel bloated, because you’ve stuffed your face with sweets,, and it’s been a delicious ride. But then you don’t feel good in the aftermath, I don’t feel good. I feel as though I am telling you off while also telling myself off. I am sorry, I have a habit of this. I have a dry mouth because my ears, throat and nose are clogged. I feel like complaining, but that does nothing, and I am remaining positive.

Why do I get angsty about doing dishes? I don’t often feel it’s the right time, but I’m being ridiculous, let’s be honest. Noise has come around the corner, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I was scared I was going to freak out during my sleep, so breathed through my mouth, wide open. Well, my mouth was very dry throughout the whole day, and forget water, it doesn’t help when you’ve just been breathing air for seven hours. One day I want to not be ridiculous, and I really think that it’s going to happen. I really am quite serious.

I find something annoying. People hold the past you as the you. That is infuriating, but what are you going to do. You have to know that people have their motives and impressions. I don’t know.

Chapter 5

we messed you

I put hot rub on my chest the night previously, and then I rubbed my eyes the following morning. They didn’t burn or anything, but it is blatantly obvious that I’ve put a little hot rub in my eyes. And after a good sleep, I’ve noticed that my coverlet on the floor has always been the coverlet in my bed for the night.

I’m tired, but totally and utterly awake. I feel good right now, why, I don’t know.

You aren’t always going to achieve your dreams. You can’t know tomorrow and you can’t know 10 years. Do you think that you can believe that you can dwell in happiness and not pain? I am on that journey, a life long journey. Some journeys will be shorter and some will be forever. But this doesn’t mean that it is bad. There are some pathways that are needed to be taken to develop you as a person, I think.

It almost feels like preparing for battle. I don’t want to worry about the battle, because Jesus Christ is with me, and dwells within me. I try my very hardest not to be afraid.

Sometimes there are voices in my head, voices of times past that tell me that I’m not going to do well, I am going to fail, and all my efforts will be pointless. But I ignore them, because I believe that while I am trying, I am being productive in my efforts. Practising, I think is as much achievement as living the dream.

I tell you now, I would sob if all the passion went away. All my work, if it was all erased. That depresses me, for what is there to show. It will only be in my heart, the memory of what once was. I can no longer collect all the words because I don’t have a photographic memory. That is depressing. But I think after wallowing in sadness, I would start again, in a different format, hoping it wouldn’t be erased.

I always find it funny the idea that I can like something while someone else can hate it, but that is the importance of humanity, the difference. As I’ve heard many times before, the difference is what makes us important as living beings. I try to understand people as much as I possibly can, because loving the Lord means loving others, and trying to understand them as much as you can.

Since life is not an easy ride, and I devote my time to my own life, why not others? I see it as a true act of selflessness to do that, but while saying that, I am making assumptions about life. I’m trying to not make assumptions anymore but that seems ridiculous.

Sometimes I imagine pain, and I think that it is more than hard, it is unspeakable. A feeling sometimes cannot be transformed into words. And this may have all been said before, and this is not profound. I wrote this to repeat to you what has been told before and what has been known before, because sometimes the push towards the door is the escape you need from trouble.

I worry that those who read this will laud and applaud this, while those who I would love to read something like this never will. It’ll never get to those who can’t read or write, and hated education. How do you reach out to them. I don’t know how to communicate or help those