365 Simple Ideas to Improve Your Relationship

By Trish Purnell-Webb and John Flanagan

People in successful relationships deliberately build and attend to the friendship and connection in their relationship, skillfully manage conflict and physiological arousal and work together to create shared meaning and understanding in their day to day lives together. This book provides daily information, tips and tasks to make small lasting change often.

Based on 40 plus years of research by Drs John and Julie Gottman these daily tips provide simple, commonsense, safe handrails to stabilise, strengthen and deepen intimacy and connection through doing small practical things with positive intention.

What this book will give you is:

* increased knowledge of your partner;
* increased expressed appreciation and kindness towards each other;
* increased attentiveness and focus;
* increased positivity and resilience;
* improved conflict management skills and strategies;
* access to deeper, more meaningful communication;
* tips to eradicate proven destructive negative patterns in conflict;
* strategies for understanding and honouring each other's dreams, goals, wishes and needs;
* tools for creating greater shared meaning and rituals of connection that are proven to stabilise and strengthen relationships;
* pathways to strengthen trust and commitment.

The suggested daily tasks are designed to assist you and your partner to discover a closer, connected, satisfying partnership. 365 Things to Improve your Relationship is the scaffolding to build a successful, lasting life together.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press AU
• Release date: Jun 4, 2020
• ISBN: 9781504321433

Trish Purnell-Webb

Trish Purnell-Webb is an Australian clinical psychologist who became the first certified Gottman therapist in Australia in 2013. She then continued her training to become the first master trainer and consultant for the Gottman Institute in Australia in 2015. She has been in private practise as a psychologist since 1997 after a twenty-year career in organisational training and development in both government and corporate organisations while also raising three children with the help of her husband, Mark. Trish has always been fascinated by the impact relationships have on our sense of well-being and satisfaction, whether they are work relationships or intimate relationships. In her work providing executive coaching to senior members of organisations throughout Australia, she came to understand that intimate relationships had a profound effect on an individual’s ability to perform in life. This led her to explore the question “How can we help people have more successful relationships?” It also led her to the research work of John and Julie Gottman, and her fate was sealed. Since 2009, Trish has focussed on working with couples both in her private practise in Burleigh Heads, Queensland, Australia, and on training therapists throughout Australia, New Zealand, and Asia to become more effective in successfully working with couples. Along with her business partner, John, Trish also runs couple workshops across Australia and New Zealand using the evidenced-based Art and Science of Love Couples Workshop developed by John and Julie Gottman. Trish conceived of this book as a resource for couples to use as a relapse prevention tool after they complete either a workshop or couples therapy with Gottman-trained therapists. Trish still lives on the Gold Coast with her husband of forty-one years and is the proud grandmother of five beautiful grandchildren to whom she devotes much of her time. John Flanagan is a mental health accredited social worker in private practise, completing his bachelor’s of social work in 1988 and later a master’s in gestalt therapy. He was the first social worker to become a certified Gottman therapist in Australia in 2015, and he became the second master trainer and consultant in 2019. John has had an extensive history in direct service delivery with couples, families, and young people, as well as in organisational development and training. He has developed a practise that utilises a range of experiential therapies combining these approaches in his work style. John has also completed his Certificate IV in workplace training and assessment and has delivered a broad range of training, both accredited and non-accredited. John knows the incredible value in attending to relationships, as well as the importance of how they are formed, maintained and developed. In over thirty years of working within complex environments and relationships, he has developed a strong speciality in understanding and guiding complex interactions and relationships. He has provided training to many individuals and human service organisations in Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and the United States about creating positive work cultures, managing challenging clients, resilience, and communication. Over the last twenty years, John has provided a range of psycho-educational group programs to Australian veterans and their families in areas such as trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, and resilience.

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 Trish Purnell-Webb and John Flanagan.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by

any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying,

recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system

without the written permission of the author except in the case

of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com.au

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or

links contained in this book may have changed since publication and

may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those

of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher,

and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe

the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional,

or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly

or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information

of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and

spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in

this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author

and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are

models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Interior Graphics/Art Credit: Zdenek Sasek/Shutterstock.com

ISBN: 978-1-5043-2142-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-2143-3 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 06/04/2020

Contents

Foreword – By Dr William Bumberry Ph.D.

How to Use the Book

Setting the Scene

No. 1

No. 2

No. 3

No. 4

No. 5

No. 6

No. 7

No. 8

No. 9

No. 10

No. 11

No. 12

No. 13

No. 14

No. 15

No. 16

No. 17

No. 18

No. 19

No. 20

No. 21

No. 22

No. 23

No. 24

No. 25

No. 26

No. 27

No. 28

No. 29

No. 30

No. 31

No. 32

No. 33

No. 34

No. 35

No. 36

No. 37

No. 38

No. 39

No. 40

No. 41

No. 42

No. 43

No. 44

No. 45

No. 46

No. 47

No. 48

No. 49

No. 50

No. 51

No. 52

No. 53

No. 54

No. 55

No. 56

No. 57

No. 58

No. 59

No. 60

No. 61

No. 62

No. 63

No. 64

No. 65

No. 66

No. 67

No. 68

No. 69

No. 70

No. 71

No. 72

No. 73

No. 74

No. 75

No. 76

No. 77

No. 78

No. 79

No. 80

No. 81

No. 82

No. 83

No. 84

No. 85

No. 86

No. 87.

No. 88

No. 89

No. 90

No. 91

No. 92

No. 93

No. 94

No. 95

No. 96

No. 97

No. 98

No. 99

No. 100

No. 101

No. 102

No. 103

No. 104

No. 105

No. 106

No. 107

No. 108

No. 109

No. 110

No. 111

No. 112

No. 113

No. 114

No. 115

No. 116

No. 117

No. 118

No. 119

No. 120

No. 121

No. 122

No. 123

No. 124

No. 125

No. 126

No. 127

No. 128

No. 129

No. 130

No. 131

No. 132

No. 133

No. 134

No. 135

No. 136

No. 137

No. 138

No. 139

No. 140

No. 141

No. 142

No. 143

No. 144

No. 145

No. 146

No. 147

No. 148

No. 149

No. 150

No. 151

No. 152

No. 153

No. 154

No. 155

No. 156

No. 157

No. 158

No. 159

No. 160

No. 161

No. 162

No. 163

No. 164

No. 165

No. 166

No. 167

No. 168

No. 169

No. 170

No. 171

No. 172

No. 173

No. 174

No. 175

No. 176

No. 177

No. 178

No. 179

No. 180

No. 181

No. 182

No. 183

No. 184

No. 185

No. 186

No. 187

No. 188

No. 189

No. 190

No. 191

No. 192

No. 193

No. 194

No. 195

No. 196

No. 197

No. 198

No. 199

No. 200

No. 201

No. 202

No. 203

No. 204

No. 205

No. 206

No. 207

No. 208

No. 209

No. 210

No. 211

No. 212

No. 213

No. 214

No. 215

No. 216

No. 217

No. 218

No. 219

No. 220

No. 221

No. 222

No. 223

No. 224

No. 225

No. 226

No. 227

No. 228

No. 229

No. 230

No. 231

No. 232

No. 233

No. 234

No. 235

No. 236

No. 237

No. 238

No. 239

No. 240

No. 241

No. 242

No. 243

No. 244

No. 245

No. 246

No. 247

No. 248

No. 249

No. 250

No. 251

No. 252

No. 253

No. 254

No. 255

No. 256

No. 257

No. 258

No. 259

No. 260

No. 261

No. 262

No. 263

No. 264

No. 265

No. 266

No. 267

No. 268

No. 269

No. 270

No. 271

No. 272

No. 273

No. 274

No. 275

No. 276

No. 277

No. 278

No. 279

No. 280

No. 281

No. 282

No. 283

No. 284

No. 285

No. 286

No. 287

No. 288

No. 289

No. 290

No. 291

No. 292

No. 293

No. 294

No. 295

No. 296

No. 297

No. 298

No. 299

No. 300

No. 301

No. 302

No. 303

No. 304

No. 305

No. 306

No. 307

No. 308

No. 309

No. 310

No. 311

No. 312

No. 313

No. 314

No. 315

No. 316

No. 317

No. 318

No. 319

No. 320

No. 321

No. 322

No. 323

No. 324

No. 325

No. 326

No. 327

No. 328

No. 329

No. 330

No. 331

No. 332

No. 333

No. 334

No. 335

No. 336

No. 337

No. 338

No. 339

No. 340

No. 341

No. 342

No. 343

No. 344

No. 345

No. 346

No. 347

No. 348

No. 349

No. 350

No. 351

No. 352

No. 353

No. 354

No. 355

No. 356

No. 357

No. 358

No. 359

No. 360

No. 361

No. 362

No. 363

No. 364

No. 365

No. 366

References

Appendix A

About the Authors

F or Mark, Andrew, Brooke, Rylan, Aylah, Peter, Karlee, Levi, Frances, Scott, Olivia,

and Isabel. Thank you for your support, generosity, and understanding for all the time away that I take to do the work I do, and for not complaining too loudly when ‘Ma’ can’t come out to play. I love you all.

Special thanks to Drs John and Julie Gottman whose work we have drawn on so heavily and who have been so generous with their incredible knowledge and expertise in the fields of intimate relationships and clinical therapy. My professional life would not have been anywhere near so fulfilling without you and the work you do.

To John Flanagan for bravely joining me on this ride. Even when my crazy 3am ideas and dreams sound so far fetched you continue to provide me with the support and encouragement I need to make those crazy ideas and dreams become a reality. We are a great team, thank you.

—Trish Purnell-Webb

To my wonderful wife, Tracey, for walking alongside me on this incredible journey of discovery and learning, and for being my cheerleader and sounding board. You have influenced how I see the world. To my children, Liam and Maggie, for giving me inspiration and motivation to know the importance of strong, connected relationships and families. Finally, to Trish: your drive, motivation, and vision is an inspiration not only to me but also to our profession.

—John Flanagan

Foreword – By Dr William

Bumberry Ph.D.

Clinical Psychologist, Gottman Couples

Therapist and Master Trainer

S everal years ago, on a beautifully gloomy October morning in Seattle, over 100 therapists from across the country, as well as from distant corners of the globe, gathered for a three day advanced training in Gottman Couples Therapy. Drs. John and Julie Gottman were presiding. I was there to help facilitate the event. Over the course of those three action packed days, and dozens of conversations and interactions with many of those in attendance, a couple of friendly, gregarious Aussie’s kept popping up. Trish and John were their names … G’day mate their opening line. But something about them was just a bit off. We were engaged in an intense, serious professional training and they were smiling and laughing … they insisted on having fun.

As the days passed, I realized they weren’t a married couple, but a professional partnership. They were long time colleagues, shared a private practice and led professional workshops throughout Australia. As it turned out, humor was only one of their many virtues. They were a synergistic mix of fire and ice, wit and wisdom, focus and perspective. And from the first moment, it was obvious they shared a vision. They also had the energy to fuel it.

During that Seattle training their dreams bubbled. Yes, they were there to become Certified Gottman Couples Therapists. Already talented and experienced clinicians, they wanted to get even better at their art. Becoming experts in Gottman Couples therapy, the most research-based approach to working with couples on the planet was a brilliant choice. Their energy and focus were obvious from the beginning. The time, money and mental energy required to travel back and forth from Australia to Seattle, on multiple occasions, was not an impediment. It was an adventure. They were all in.

After that training, I had the privilege of consulting with both Trish and John as they completed their certification in Gottman Couples Therapy. I also accompanied them on their journey to become Trainers in the Gottman Method. I was further blessed to work with them as they ran workshops for therapists in their native Australia. From Brisbane, to Melbourne, to Sydney and places in between they spread the Gottman word with passion and professionalism. This dynamic duo enriched and improved the skill level of couple’s therapist across the continent.

When not traveling, they were both busily engaged in an active couple’s private practice. In addition to seeing couples for the traditional weekly sessions, they also began working with couples in a more intensive fashion. They began offering Marathon sessions to couples interested in making significant changes, in a two-day period. Their skill and mastery of this approach was impressive.

As trainers of clinicians, Trish and John have an unusual depth of understanding and skill in the practice of couple’s therapy. They are true experts in the Gottman approach to working with relationships.

So, their next horizon? How to get the Gottman message out to even more couples? It was time to write. This volume, 365 Simple Ideas to Improve Your Relationship is a compendium of wisdom, perspective and applied exercises. A road map to a deeper and more fulfilling relationship.

As you turn the pages and absorb the ideas, your relationship strengths as well as challenges will become clear. As you do the exercises, your communication will improve, your relationship skills will expand. You’ll learn how to listen and to play. You’ll be able to address differences without it becoming destructive. You’ll rediscover the values and feelings that brought you together in the first place.

Without really trying that hard, you’ll find a deeper connection.

Of course, there’s some work involved. Anything of lasting value requires a bit of an investment. But the guidance found in 365 Simple Ideas … flows naturally. The underlying research is based on observing real couples, dealing with real issues and coming up with real solutions to the problems of everyday life. This groundbreaking research, is clearly described and accessibly presented. This book is a gift your relationship will appreciate. Enjoy!

How to Use the Book

T hese tips and tasks were originally written to assist and support couples who had attended our Art and Science of Love Couples workshops, or who had attended therapy with us, to maintain the progress they had made in their relationships and to ward off relapse back into a dissatisfying and disconnected relationship. They are mostly simple ideas or illustrations to help couples make a range of small, positive changes in their daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly lives together. They are not in any particular order, and this book is not designed to be read straight through from cover to cover. It is designed for couples to read one tip a day, ideally together in the morning, and then to put that tip into action together. Even if only one partner is using these tips, it will still be helpful to the relationship.

Some people might like to start with tip number one and work through the book systematically. Others may want to open the book randomly each day to see what’s on offer. Either way, there is something in this book every day, for everyone.

Some days offer tasks to try and actions to take. Others offer vignettes for you to think about and compare to your relationship. One suggestion is to begin a relationship journal where you write about the thoughts and feelings you experience in reading these vignettes or brief summaries of research. This will help you grow your understanding of the concepts, principles, and philosophies that lead to successful relationships.

Having said that, these tips and tasks are mainly drawn from or support the concepts and principles identified by Dr. John Gottman (2015) during his forty-plus years of research into what makes relationships succeed or fail. Reading his book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, or attending one of our workshops, will help you better understand each of the tips and tasks.

If you are experiencing significant and very distressing problems in your relationship, then you may need more than this book can offer. Locating a certified Gottman therapist to help you through that would be a better option.

To make this book useful to you, do the following things.

1. Read 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work and/or attend an Art of Science and Love Couples workshop.

2. Use this book together to maintain progress towards a much better relationship by

a. selecting one page each morning to read together (or on your own),

b. putting the suggested task into action, and then

c. using your relationship journal to reflect on the outcome of that exercise.

Setting the Scene

T he amount of literature written on marriages and relationships over the last one hundred years could fill a library. The amount of literature actually based on empirical research, data, and evidence may fill only a shelf, and a small one at that. In his 1938 writings Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness , Louis Terman stated that there is a riot of opinion about what makes relationships work and fail, and none of them are based on data. For many years, relationship guidance and advice were in the hands of pastors and priests, and whilst well-meaning, it was often based on homespun advice, antidotes, and their own personal experiences. No doubt some great advice was shared, but inevitably poor advice, and even harmful advice, was also shared. This common sense approach to relationship advice was often nonsense. How many times have you heard the relationship myth Happy wife, happy life? This phrase implies Just say yes to your partner, keep the peace, and don’t rock the boat. Your partner will be happy, and therefore you will be too. In fact, what you are signing up for is a relationship of conflict avoidance in which your needs, wants, and desires go unexpressed and unmet, a potential lifetime of pushing down your hopes and your dreams in the pursuit of keeping the peace and hoping this brings happiness to your partner and yourself.

A persistent and prevailing relationship misconception is that a successful relationship is based on a contract of sorts in which people exchange positive things with each other: If you iron my work clothes, I will cook dinner. It was thought that once this exchange breaks down in the relationship, it is a sign of a failing relationship where trust is eroded. Although on the surface this may seem a reasonable proposition, research by Bernard Murstein found that quid pro quo thinking was a sign of an ailing relationship. When couples are keeping score of what each of them has done, like emotional accountants, the relationship is in free fall. Relationship success is so much more than the exchange of tasks for one another. Don’t risk basing your relationships on myths and homespun advice when we know now what makes relationships work or fail based on scientific, evidenced-based research.

Social scientists first started studying marriages in the early 1970s when they were ending at unprecedented rates, driven by the concern of the lasting impact of divorce on families. At this time, John Gottman and his colleagues brought to the research table what Dr. Gottman called profound ignorance to the subject of relationship. He did not have a particular hypothesis to prove or disprove, or a particular set of assumptions that he believed were important in making relationships satisfying and lasting. What he did bring was the highest-level research quality and rigour, a strong curiosity, and an insatiable thirst for understanding couple interactive behaviour, individual perception of self and one’s partner, and the effects of changes in individual physiology in relationship interactions.

In 1986, John Gottman and his colleague Robert Levenson established a research centre at the University of Washington for couples, which the media quickly dubbed the Love Lab. The research involved thousands of couples in a strict research setting to observe their interaction, measure the couple’s perceptions of these interactions, and measure their physiology such as heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones. The couples were followed up for a year afterwards. From the data gathered, two clear groups were distinguished, Masters and Disasters of relationships. Masters remained happily married with high levels of reported satisfaction; the Disasters, on the other hand, were either separated or struggling in their relationship.

So what was the difference between Masters and Disasters? As it turns out, Disasters struggle to manage their own physiological arousal levels during conflict conversations. John Gottman noticed in his research that when couples conflict escalated, it was not only their words, tone, and volume that escalated—it was also their heart rates and the amount of stress hormones being secreted. We call this flooding or diffuse physiological arousal. The research findings were compelling: the more aroused couples were in conflict, the faster their hearts beat, the faster their blood flowed, the more they sweated, the more stress hormones were released, and the more their relationships deteriorated in the next three years. What we know is that it is the escalation of conflict that builds negativity, and it is this build-up of negativity that predicts relationship demise. Flooding in conflict increases negativity in a relationship. The name flooding refers to a flood of stress hormones (such as adrenalin and cortisol) to the nervous system that generates what is commonly known as the fight-or-flight response.

Masters, on the other hand, demonstrate low physiological arousal and are able to remain connected and kind to one another, communicating understanding and empathy even when disagreeing. This style of interaction grows trusts, safety, and emotional connection in relationships. It’s okay to disagree; indeed, it is important to express differences because this creates an opportunity to better know and understand your partner.

Sometimes, though, conflict can turn into awful battles: arguing your position, feeling you are right and they are wrong, and feeling misunderstood, unheard, unseen, and unappreciated. The more this type of negative conflict occurs, the stauncher you become in the position you hold, the more right you feel, and the more wrong you think your partner is. More often than not, these types of arguments end in a stony retreat where both partners feel frustrated and hurt. We know that Masters of relationships work on understanding and validation first. They buy into this notion of valid subjective reality, meaning that each person has his or her own perspective, needs, and wants in conflict, and although it may be different to the other’s view, it is still valid and deserves to be listened to, understood, and validated.

John Gottman’s research also identified four highly destructive interaction patterns that he named the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Consistent use of the four horsemen move relationship interactions onto a battleground. Conversations quickly ceases being about the initial issue raised and turns into everything about how you feel you are being treated by your partner.

Criticism and contempt are personalised attacks on your partner’s personality, communicating that something fundamental is not okay with him or her. Contempt can be condescending, speaking down to your partner, or communicating that you think you are better than the other person. John Gottman was able to predict with 94 per cent accuracy those relationships that will end in separation and divorce based on the existence of contempt in conflict conversations. Using a gentler beginning when raising a complaint and talking more about what you feel and need, rather than negatively describing your partner, allows for the issue to land and be understood by your partner, providing a real opportunity for your concerns to be heard.

Defensiveness and stonewalling are behaviours that bat away the complaint or criticism; one does not take on any feedback or allow oneself to be influenced by the other. Interestingly, when someone is stonewalling, inside the person is becoming stressed, and he or she shuts down, trying to avoid the conflict or stop it from getting worse. Of course, the opposite is true: defensiveness and stonewalling tend to escalate negative interaction.