New Consciousness in Transformation: Soul's Journey Through Love and Grief

By Dee Ellsworth

The Veil between life and Death is so fragile, yet the bond between two souls will remain constant throughout many lifetimes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 14, 2019
• ISBN: 9781532081699

Dee Ellsworth

Dee’s life journey through love and grief in this lifetime has shown her how strong her faith and belief system is. We are more than mortal beings. We are Spirits. The tragic experiences made her grow in Spiritual Enlightenment. Very early in life, she knew the emotional pain of physical abuse; however, through it all, the creative aspect of herself released creative capabilities. As an artist, she was able to connect and inspire others through music. In her earlier years, she was a singer, then turned to dance, performing as a lead dancer with a New York musical group. We appeared in Boston at surrounding area nightclubs, performed on television on local stations as a facilitator and choreographer of a new dance craze sweeping the nation in the 80’s. She learned to release emotional wounds to discover inner peace and joy. Her goal as an artist is to inspire others to discover and overcome fears that block us from our ability to connect to our universal self of peace, love, and joy, which is our birthright.

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Copyright © 2018 Dee Ellsworth.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-8168-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-8169-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019913025

iUniverse rev. date: 10/08/2019

NEW CONSCIOUSNESS IN TRANSFORMATION: C@1990

A Soul’s Journey through Love and Grief

W here do I begin this story of love and grief? Maybe It started so long ago when I met my husband, my children’s father. A prince of a man, yet withdrawn from life, and his emotions.

What began as a strange encounter 43 years ago became a life filled with my discovery of the truth. To say that this man was someone I remembered from other lifetimes would be far from reality.

My first meeting with my husband was one I would long remember. Here was a man, so handsome and mysterious that I feared getting close to him. My background of physical and emotional abuse made me leery of most guys. I knew I should have avoided him; but I did not! As fate would have it for both of us, we were destined to meet not only in this lifetime, but for many more to come.

My husband was a man who had many (hidden) secrets. He would not allow anyone, including me, to get too close to him. To know his inner most sensitive self, I would get to know in time. I had come to understand this man better than he understood himself. I loved him with all my heart; however, in the earlier years of our relationship, we were unable to commit to one another or show our true feelings. Later, as time went by, and when life’s trials caught hold of us, we knew just how deep our bond was.

One Sunday afternoon at a local jazz club, a young man appeared out of nowhere. When I glanced across the darkened room where he stood with sunglasses on, my first thought was that he was a creep. Little did I know, this man belonged to my high school friend. She turned to me and said, Oh, you mean my brother, Bob? Talk about embarrassing situations. She immediately called him over and introduced him to me. When he removed his sunglasses, I thought to myself, what beautiful eyes; big and black against his pure white skin. Boy was he gorgeous. (A line he would come to say to himself many times). I knew that because of his confident arrogance, I would have no part of him. Why should I? Most of the men I liked and knew were the quiet type. Yet, this man appealed to me.

Later on, when my friends and I went down to dance and mingle, he would stare at me from the corner of the room. This made me feel very uncomfortable. As the day passed without further conversation, we had no contact. Only weeks later would we reconnect again. I will spare you all the details that took place, not because they were not important, it’s just that there were many.

The important aspect of this relationship was our love for one another. His love for me, I would come to realize much later on. This was a man who would take me on a journey of self- discovery, which at times, was much too painful to relive.

I wanted to leave behind my earlier childhood memories of physical and emotional abuse, and I believed I did.

Our stormy relationship took us through many experiences. I remember one time we were visiting a friend of his family and I noticed he was staring out over the railing, deep in thought. Then I saw tears coming from his eyes. I knew it had to do with his mother. She was a woman he loved and respected. My mother always told me that any man who loves and respects his mother will also treat you the same way. She was right.

One could never question this man’s love for me, yet at that time in my life I was too young and immature to realize just how special he was. He was my teacher, my coach, and I, his.

If our Creator allowed us to turn back the hands of time, how different things would be; or would they?

Our Soul knows what we came here to learn, and how we will learn it, even if our rational mind cannot accept it. The realization of my life’s purpose came when I was quite young. I would go to church every Sunday, then return home to the quietness of my room, and perform mass. I wonder, was it a Spiritual gesture, or was I just being over dramatic?

As we began our relationship, Bob and I found ourselves competing to maintain our own sense of power. Whenever there was a discussion on any subject which made him feel uncomfortable, he would withdraw. His eyes would stay focused on mine in a glazed stare. This made me feel angry. He knew this and would feel smug. Both of us had the need to control, which was a way of avoiding closeness. We were afraid of being hurt again.

As the years passed, our life of partying and entertaining left little room for true commitment to either one of us. Yet, I felt compelled to be the responsible one for our children. I grew to resent him for this, but at the time I did not realize it.

I remember our first Christmas together. He came home drunk after partying with his friends. My heart was broken. I had planned a beautiful evening together, with Christmas decorations, and a live tree, complete with lights. I was so angry that I picked up the tree and threw it across the room - lights and all. We did not speak a word to each other for three days.

As time went on we both grew to understand one another more than either one of us dared to admit. We both tried to avoid commitment, yet it was our destiny to be there for one another, no matter what we had to face. For me, it was in the earlier stages of our marriage. Eventually, he would come to love me more than any man could love a woman. My fits of anger did not drive him away, they only made him more determined to understand why I would react the way I did. He came to forgive me many times when I would hurt him, whether it was the time I stepped out with another, or one of my childish tantrums. I remember one time he told me, No matter how angry you get, I still love you.

As time went on, his hard work and lack of concern for his own well-being became his downfall. In the late 80’s his health started to fail. Our roles reversed. I became the caretaker. To this day, I believe I was his teacher in the area of communication and emotional feelings. I helped him to allow his feelings to come out, rather than suppress them.

When we moved to Arizona in the 70’s, our life continued to be exciting. The warm days and nights of the desert kept us mesmerized. At least for seven years. Then the roof caved in. Not only financially, but emotionally as well. The reality of being in a totally different social environment set in. We had come from the eastern part of the U.S. where people communicated with one another, good or bad. Here, however, people stayed to themselves. All the walls were there for a reason. Most people came from other parts of the country. Most did not trust strangers. The work ethic and the way people treated one another left both of us with a different perspective of this so-called land of paradise.

At first, my career allowed us to enjoy many pleasures, such as cruises and getaways to exotic places. Then when the corporation I worked for decided to move, all hell broke loose.

Bob’s health started to fail. My job prospects were dim. This left us with a hardship and more dependent on others, a position neither one of us enjoyed.

We spent our entire life dancing to a different beat. Back east we enjoyed times outside of our everyday life. Together, however, in the earlier stages of marriage, we spent most of our time entertaining others, either at local clubs or our home. We loved to provide a shelter for others who were alone during the holiday season. Our open house gatherings became well-known among those in the community. We loved helping others.

After all these years of giving, it comes down to this: We are here for a brief moment in time. All that we have or aspire to be are nothing without love. Yet, most of us spend a lifetime of acquiring things in this world. They mean nothing without the love of family and friends. Some never realize this until it is too late. We live in a world filled with so much greed and power. Nothing will ever take the place of spiritual growth. We will achieve at some point in our evolution, however, only time will tell if our life has amounted to anything at all. It must have a purpose having to do with others.

When we finally left the east coast, we knew it would be an adventure: however, little did we know how profound of a change our life would be. At the time, we believed it would be for Bob’s health. However, the reason was far more complicated than either one of us realized. Do you believe in destiny? I do. If we were to complete our world journey on the earth plane, then it must be done here in the desert.

The love we shared was so powerful, it went far beyond this lifetime. We were together many times before. The more you search for the truth, the more you realize one lifetime could never fulfill your soul’s purpose: To be with God in all his/her Glory.

As our life together became more unbearable because of financial woes and Bob’s failing health, we both became more distant and angry. He would sink more into a deep meditative stare. Many times, I would catch him staring out toward the beautiful mountain shaped with a striking resemblance of Christ’s head. It may sound strange to imagine. It was, as I would find out later on, called the Christ Mountain by the local Native Americans.

When the hardship of maintaining our current home was too much to handle, I felt compelled to sell. When I would ask his advice, Bob would respond in a detached voice, Whatever you think. He had given up on life. The only reason he was still with us was his sense of emotional responsibility for me. He knew how emotionally dependent I was on him, even though it appeared otherwise to others.

One week before we were to move I was on my way home from the storage unit when I remembered this beautiful apartment complex less than one mile from our home. I jammed on the brakes and took a right turn into the complex. At first, I thought that there is no way we could afford this place, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask. When the young lady showed me a one bedroom, my heart pumped. It was within our price range. To this day, I believe my departed mother found this place. I was told many times since her passing that she was with me. Her healing presence kept me going. This is not the first time this had happened to me, however, that’s another story all together. The angels were sent to me often. One, in particular, was part of my undying faith.

I must mention at this point in my story that I believe we are not alone in this world. Each one of us is given guides (angels) to help us in times of need. For me, they have been often. This one particular day I was delivering flyers, house to house, trying to make money any way I could to survive. It was barely light outside, and as I was walking and praying, this woman appeared out of nowhere. She was walking her poodle dog. She did not look as though she belonged in the affluent neighborhood, especially dressed as she was. I thought to myself that she must have stayed up all night drinking because her blonde hair was messy, and her clothing somewhat in disarray. She immediately started walking toward me and suddenly said, I must give you a hug. She caught me by surprise. At that moment, the tears started to fall, and she continued to talk. She told me that Jesus said that I must not carry the cross. This woman on the street said, You’ve suffered long enough and were not put here to suffer. You must take the gifts given to you to bring joy to others with your love of music. He wants you to be happy.

Now my tears were accompanied by a trembling body. This woman was so out of place. I asked, Are you a psychic? She proceeded to tell me not to get mixed up with new age. Again, she leaned toward me and embraced me with the gentleness I needed. I could not help but lose consciousness with my surroundings. I was so deep in tears.

In a moment’s time, she was gone!

When I returned home, Bob was standing by the door. He sensed something was wrong. When I told him, he said, It could only happen to you.

My life at that time was filled with so much unhappiness and emotional pain. Bob, at this point, found it difficult to understand. My understanding of the spirit world came though by many deep soul-searching encounters of life experiences. My thirst for knowledge was strong. Whenever I could, I would go to the public library to read up on different cultures and religions. This, along with my personal belief that all of us are more than this physical body, my deep connection to God and to the Spirit (whatever you want to call it) played out in various ways. Like locking myself in my room and trying to perform a Mass.

After several months of grueling house shopping, I felt drawn to the Fountain Hills community. When my mother was here, we took her there. She turned to us and said, This is where you will move. How could she know at that time that this place would play a significant part of our destiny?

All my life, the light and brightness of an open space has always attracted me. When I walked into the condo, I knew immediately this was it. Across the street was an open area with the most beautiful mountain view, unlike any I’ve ever seen. They told me there was a building which was about to be built within the next few months. When I asked the agent and the woman who lived there, they replied, Not sure about the plans. Something told me they knew more than they were willing to tell me. Yet, I knew this was the place for us.

Every time I visited the area, I would see a bit of construction taking place, I would pray that it would not block the mountain view. At that time, I did not understand why the woman who lived there said, I think the view may be blocked. My response was, Oh no, God will see to it that it will not.

The surrounding rooftops appeared to be shaped like a pyramid - one each side. Yet each time I returned, the view remained intact. I always believed there was a higher presence watching over me as I struggled with life’s lessons and tests. For some reason, God wanted me to walk through horrific pain.

If we truly chose our experiences in order that we may grow closer to the Divine, then this journey would be one of service.

Moving here to the desert was painful and filled with much deception