The Pitfalls of Being Human: How to Free Ourselves from the Trap of Our Existence—A Practical Guide for a Meaningful Life

By Dr. Talib Kafaji

The imperative question presented in this book is: Can our mind obey us when we do not like the thoughts which cross our mind? If we try to stop disturbing thoughts, often the mind will do the opposite, dwelling on those thoughts, and defying our wishes.

Artists get rid of all unnecessary materials to form an art object. Likewise, we need to get rid of all the unnecessary conflicts which keep swimming in our mind, and hold onto the essential part of life. In other words, we polish our inner psyche, by cultivating the garden of our mind and removing all the weeds. We as humans have the capacity to clean the landscape of our mind and bring a different set of emotions to the scene. That is how we progressed from animalistic sensations to being creative individuals.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Singapore
• Release date: May 16, 2019
• ISBN: 9781543750911

Dr. Talib Kafaji

Dr. Talib Kafaji , an immigrant from the Middle East, completed his higher education at the University of Northern Colorado , where he obtained a doctorate degree in psychology. He has worked in several countries in the Middle East , as well as being a licensed practicing psychologist in the State of Michigan and adjunct professor at Wayne State University and Detroit University . Through his research , he has interviewed thousands of people to develop a clear perspective of human nature . Dr.Kafaji’s other books are Inward Journey , The Psychology of The Arab, The Triumph Over the Mediocre Self, Contemplative Thoughts in Human Nature: Observations on Human Destructive Tendencies, The Sly Mind: The Structure of the Mind and Its Refusal to Be Controlled, and the Pitfalls of Being Human: How to Free Ourselves From the Trap of Our Existence.

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Chapter One

The Four Prisons of Us All

From birth to the grave: the prison of mean genes, the prison of parenting, the prison of societal conditioning and the prison of our unconscious sly mind!

The formation of our personality is the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that make you unique. It is the way we view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how we see ourselves. Personality forms during our childhood and is shaped through the interaction of four factors: our inherited traits (our genes), our parental upbringing, our societal matrix, and our unconscious sly mind, which tends to come into play throughout life.

The inherited traits are aspects of your personality passed on to you by your parents, such as shyness, having a happy outlook, temperament, the color of your skin, or certain illnesses that may pass to you from your parents or grandparents.

Another factor that impacts you is the society in which you grow up, i.e. your surroundings, events that impacted you, and relationships with family members and others. This includes the parenting style of your parents, whether loving or abusive.

Undoubtedly, family dynamics shape the way we are. Research has shown that our early family experiences often re-emerge in our adult interactions with others. Family is our first enterprise. This has a lasting effect on the characteristics of our personality.

The psychoanalyst Joyce McDougall described a theater of the mind, whose script is written in childhood and repressed subconsciously in other settings as the child grows up, depending on the family dynamic and fate. Was the family open, or guarded? Were emotions encouraged, or repressed? Were the parents nurturing, or uninvolved?

We are like a plant that takes nutrients from the earth. If the nutrients in the soil are sufficient, the plant becomes healthy and produces abundant fruit. However, if the ground is barren, we can expect a poor plant and poor fruit. Humans are like that. If we grow up in a healthy home and a healthy society, with a system of justice for every individual, then we are a healthy human being.

For example, tree rings are not static, but vary in size from year to year, depending on variables such as moisture, soil condition, insect infestation, the amount of direct or indirect sunlight received, and location in relation to other trees. Our own growth rate is influenced by other variables, but it is certainly analogous to that of the tree.

We are born into the world, but we do not have a clean slate at birth, since as early as during the formation of the embryo, factors start to influence us profoundly. These factors include the psychological condition of the mother, and the nature of the food that she ingests, for example. All these factors, from inception forward, influence our personality for the rest of our lives.

Thus, there are four prisons to which we find ourselves chained. The first prison is our mean genes. The second is our parents and the way they want us to be. The third is our society and the way it shapes our personality and the fourth is our unconscious sly mind, which is our deadliest enemy.

We may spend all our lives trying to free ourselves from the four prisons. Often, we are discouraged and feel helpless in the face of such imprisonment. Consequently, we lose our essence throughout the process of freeing ourselves.

Aristotle insisted that part of being human is to have a purpose; namely, to live in accordance with reason. However, our unconscious mind does not favor reason. It is basically illogical and irrational, and tends to exaggerate any hint of danger.

Some of us are endowed with genes that lift us from the jungle of the world, while others are unfortunate in that their genes bring illness and bad temper upon them. Our rascal sly mind tends to produce all sorts of garbage, stored in our unconscious mind. The mind may often fabricate or manufacture drama and present it to us in a very charming package, and make our life an absolute sheer misery.

The first prison: mean genes. Genetics is the structure and function of genes and the way in which genes are passed from one generation to another. The genetic make-up of a person influences physical and behavioral characteristics. Genetics is related to the principle of heredity, which is the sum of the traits and tendencies inherited of from one’s parents and other biological ancestors.

Heredity can play a major role in personality and mental health. We all know that heredity determines the color of our skin, eyes, and hair, and also influences other traits, such as height and susceptibility to disease. But many are not aware that it also plays a major role in matters such as depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and other mental health disorders.

Evidence of the role of heredity in our psychological make-up has been provided by research involving twins raised apart from birth. Researchers look to see if pairs of identical twins raised apart share a specific trait more frequently than fraternal twins.

Researchers have also found that heredity plays a part in the development of a number of mental health disorders. The most common mental health problems worldwide are: anxiety disorder, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and Agoraphobia, which runs in the family. Social phobias do not.

The mood disorders, both unipolar and bi-polar depression, are highly influenced by heredity. Twin studies have shown that an identical twin has 60% chance of sharing his twin’s depression or bi-polar disorder. A tendency to be happier, more positive, and more optimistic may also be influenced by genetics.

The evidence suggests that we may each have a happiness set-point, similar to our weight set-point. Our happiness set-point is the general level of contentment and happiness, or lack of it, where we tend to settle, regardless of life events. This set-point is probably established early in life as a result of our genetics, life experiences, and other complex factors.

There is little doubt how behavior is affected by genes in fairly generalized ways. Some individuals are born with a propensity to be outgoing, happy, emotionally reactive, sociable, creative, or intelligent. Yet we do not have a good understanding of any of the relevant biochemical mechanisms which determine these traits. (Nigel Barber, 2000, The Human Beast.)

We can also see the effects of heredity in the animal kingdom. For example, honeybees have a complex sequence of hygienic behavior that consists of digging out infected larvae and chucking them out of the hive. This is a gene sequence that is understood in terms of Mendelian genetics, with one gene for uncapping and another for removing the dead larvae. As far as humans are concerned, we may or may not have strong hygienic tendencies, although, there is no gene for cleaning out the refrigerator!

Back in the days of caves and creatures with sharp pointy teeth, you were more likely to survive if you were ever vigilant of danger. The genes that favored this behavior were more likely to get passed down to you. It is not your fault to feel that way; it is a product of the evolutionary processes.

We know that there are at least 44 genes, out of the 20,000 genes comprising the human genome, which contribute to the transmission of risk for depression from one generation to the next. There are numerous genes that transmit illness and disease to us. For example, more than 80 types of autoimmune diseases are mostly inherited from our parents, or our biological ancestors.

Biologically speaking, the fear center in our brain is the amygdala, also known as the reptilian brain, because it has been with us since the dinosaur age. We can be grateful to the amygdala for preserving us, by imparting the instinct not to challenge a saber tooth tiger to a duel and prompting us to run from fire. But there is one big problem with this neural center; it does not have the ability to distinguish between real physical danger and our imagination of danger. This means we can go into sweaty-palmed panic at the very thought of imagined danger. We can see that clearly with people who have panic attacks or phobias.

Often, we are hostage to our mean genes. We call them mean because of the focus on survival and avoiding danger, whether it is real or imagined. Thus, the amygdala hijacks our prefrontal cortex, which is the center of rationality and reasoning ability. This results in making us apprehensive and restless just for the sake of false safety. For example, exercise is good for us, but our genes build in us to love laziness. Our genes still think that there is famine around the corner and we have to eat, and resist any change to control our food intake.

Genetics are far more pervasive in most aspects of our lives, even in areas where we feel that we act purely of our own free will. Our dramas are played out on a genetic stage. Over the last few decades, scientists have learned a great deal about the structure of this stage, and our learning will accelerate with forthcoming genomic advances (Mean Genes 2000.)

The brain has been designed by genetic evolution. Once we understand that design, it is no longer surprising that we experience tension in our life. Ever since Darwin published The Origin of Species in 1859, people have debated the role of biology in human behavior. Still, as the idea of evolution has itself evolved, one provocative facet has become clearer and clearer: the human brain has been shaped by evolutional processes. And the basic tenant of evolution is to survive.

Nevertheless, if we examine closely our true nature as human beings, we originally are created by God from clay as Almighty God has indicated in all of His holy books. Thus, we are inherently lazy, stupid and self-destructive, because this is the real nature of the clay.

Furthermore, in order to overcome our lousy nature, we have to exert seriously tremendous energy, so we can be creative and lively beings. We have to challenge ourselves consistently to reduce the negative effects of the mean genes. Undoubtedly, there are some born with certain gifts and potentials, while the majority of us are lousy and selfish creatures.

Moreover, if we inherit certain traits from our biological ancestors, then we really are doomed in a certain way. This can be the prison of heredity, and we spend time and energy to free ourselves from the chain of heredity to live the life we want. That can be the ultimate challenge one ever faces in his personal life.

The second prison: parenting. Of all animals, we remain the longest at our mother’s breast. Human beings are born too soon; they are unfinished, unready as yet to meet the world’s challenges. Thus, we really need a substantial number of skills to navigate through life, while most animals are equipped to face the challenges of daily living the first day of life.

Human infants are highly vulnerable and dependent on adults to meet their needs. A lot of babies’ behavior, such as clinging and crying, is designed to attract the attention of their caregivers. And if the baby is ignored and does not receive sufficient care, it will not survive. Mothers typically get the blame for insecurity and character flaws of their children, but a 2012 study suggested that fathers actually shape their children’s personality more than the mother. According to the research, children are likely to identify with their father most of the time.

We all are born a unique individual with a multitude of potentials and limitations. Unfortunately, parents often try to use their children to satisfy their own unmet childhood needs, and fail to help develop their own child’s potential. They want their children to serve their emotional and mental needs at great cost of their children. Or they may ignore them totally, and the children grow up with a spiritual and psychological vacuum.

If parents are not happy, undoubtedly children grow up unhappy as well. For many people, the desire for a happy and peaceful life remains unfulfilled. Instead of happiness, many of us find ourselves frequently disturbed by anger, fear, sadness, or the feeling of being disconnected and separate from life. This is as a result of the way that we have been treated by our parents.

Kahlil Gibran in his eloquent poetry has described the relationship between parents and children:

Your children are not your children,

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

However, there is an old saying, The child is the father of man, which means, if your raise a child in a healthy manner, he or she will be the man or woman that you see in the future; healthy and competent. If however you mistreat the child, undoubtedly, later on in life, you will have an angry adult who has a low opinion of himself.

There is a wonderful African saying that it takes a village to raise a child. Raising a child is quite a challenging task, requiring a tremendous knowledge of child development. But often parents do not have any clue how to raise their children; they have to be trained beforehand. There are driving schools to teach people how to drive a car, but, unfortunately we do not have schools to teach people how to be competent and compassionate parents.

One of the most critical things to teach during childhood is a sense of self-worth, often called self-esteem. The dictionary defines self-esteem as pride in oneself, and pride means a sense of one’s own proper dignity or value and self-respect. The primary source of self-esteem is how we are esteemed by our parents.

Unfortunately, if we are brought up by parents who have not been valued by their parents, they will not value or respect their children. It is the vicious cycle of child abuse/neglect syndrome. Each generation passes down the mistreatment to the next generation.

There are two ways family may influence us: either directly, in which they tell us how we behave or feel or think, or indirectly, in which we are watching how they behave toward each other or the people around them.

Metaphorically speaking, when the mother pushes the child out of the womb, the child feels unwanted, and detached from the mother through the trauma of birth. The prominent psychologist Carl Jung talked about it. He said we as children registered in our mind when our mother pushes us from her womb, thrusting us into the world, even though we are not able to take care of ourselves without her. Thus, we may feel inadequate and helpless and this feeling sticks in our unconscious mind. Later on in our lives, we tend to operate from such a feeling.

A child’s personality formation, nature and culture start right away, from the institution which we call mother. Family plays a role as does school, society and the world around. If the child is nurtured enough, he may have a splendid personality; if the child is hindered, he may be crippled emotionally and mentally.

Abusive parents: Such parents are almost universally are depressed, to some degree. They share the basic attitude toward infants that children exist for the purpose of gratification of parental expectations or satisfaction of parental needs. Such attitudes are often more unconscious than conscious, and dictate that infants who fail to live up to this expectation deserve punishment, to ensure they fulfill these functions for their parents.

We come to life without any preparation; we are just thrown into the sea of life. Often we come from parents, who are not happy themselves, and they may reflect their unhappiness on their children, or they may have no knowledge of child development.

Indoctrination and social conditioning start the first day we arrive into life and there are two influences of this: society and our parents. First let us examine what our parents may do to us. Perhaps they are happy to have another toy they can play with, or if they have not actualized their dreams, they may make us live their dreams. Or if they are disappointed, they may make us live their disappointment.

Needless to say, these processes take place without their awareness. It may not be a plan to let their children live their dreams; it just becomes natural that we have children and are property, so we can make them the way we want them to be.

One of my patients told me that his father wanted him to be a car mechanic, but he wanted to be a scientist. His father was very disappointed when his son left and went to further his schooling. Parents tend to project their own desires, well-wishes, and aspirations on their children.

In our part of the world, the Arab world, parents often do not care about the needs of their children, because they tend to have a lot of children and do not have the time or energy to attend to their children’s needs. Basically, they just feed them and clothe them. Persons reared in such homes tend to have serious emotional vulnerabilities and psychological conflicts.

From all aspects, home is the essential place for our growth and development, since the first six years are the most fundamental stage in shaping our personality and can determine our future success or failure. Thus, healthy, positive, and competent parenting is the most indispensable force to free us in life and make us adequate, healthy and productive human individuals.

The third prison; societal conditioning. The concept of culture comes from its Latin root cultura, which means tilling or cultivating. Sometimes, culture is posited as the opposite of nature, but it is probably more accurate to say that culture is a form of nature, reflecting the ways nature has been cultivated or processed in order to mediate our relation to it.

We only learn to relate to ourselves because other have first related to us. In this sense, we owe ourselves, literally, to others, because the self is always developed via others. Self is a reflexive process determined by something other than ourselves.

The self is not something that is realized, but must be formed in relation to something other than itself, namely the historical traditions for human co-existence that structure our interactions, and form what the child experiences from the very beginning of his life. (Standpoints, Svend Brinkmann, 2018).

The concept of condition comes from the Latin condicio, which means agreement. What is an agreement? It is a collective decision in which two or more parties come to some sort of concession, inevitably affecting the perceptions of the individual. Worse than that, the individual can identify with such concessions.

Social conditioning is the process of programming the individual in society to have certain beliefs, behaviors, desires and emotional reactions, which are approved by society in general or by certain groups within it. Social conditioning starts while you are an infant and continues your entire life. It is carried out by parents, teachers, peers, and people in your community, by rewarding certain behaviors, or reinforcing them, and punishing other behaviors.

How can society shape our belief? Our culture has a dominant belief, which forces the majority or the mainstream to accept what is, even if not moral or ethical. Sadly, our perceptions are dictated by the mainstream; therefore, our thoughts are influenced by what others do.

As Pink Floyd said in song, school conditions children to become another brick in the wall, when there is no critical thinking to stimulate the individual. On the contrary, it is suppressed or simply ignored. Thus, it naturally atrophies and becomes weak, exactly like a muscle becomes weak when no pressure is exerted upon it. Thus, mentally we become lazy and compliant.

Society can socialize people to be robots, slaves, sheep, zombies and conformists. Sadly, enough, most people are in this category. They are conformist, like sheep, living only to work and raise a family, harboring a materialistic mindset and judgmental attitudes. They do not think for themselves, but only know what they are taught, and believe in whatever everyone else believes.

These people live to work in order to make a living, never realizing that such is an oxymoron because if all you do is make a living, these slaves live in mind-numbing routines that tie them down, because that is the way they were taught to live.

They are enslaved and conditioned to see no other choice. They become workaholics to the extreme. They judge others by materialistic standards, and look down upon nonconformists with disdain and contempt. A collective mindset is the one favored by most of society, because it is easy to be led by authority figures, and be part of the herd mentality.

Modern society values conformity for the sake of emotional comfort. To deviate from this established norm, is indeed to liberate oneself from the prison of sameness. However, that is a colossal challenge. An enlightened person ventures to do so. However, the ramifications on the individual can be ostracization and isolation.

We cannot live the world of rationality, because we are at a massive disadvantage. We live in a world of deep uncertainty, in which mere logic simply is not a good guide. It is well-established that date-based decisions do not inoculate against irrationality or prejudice. It is the illogic or irrationality that is imbedded in the recesses of our unconscious mind, because of the way we are socialized.

The reality is, the makeup of your mind was largely shaped and molded by the social conditioning of our environment, with little conscious choice on our end.

It is much easier for a man of a lazy mentality to accept a ready-made thought from someone else than to go through the mental labor of considering the various aspects of a subject and arriving at a decision for himself (C.W. Leadbeater).

Unfortunately, we are imprisoned by the hypnosis of social conditioning, but we do not know we are in a prison, because everybody else is in the same condition. We may call it boxing the individual, as society tends to box people to think the same things, share the same political beliefs, religious beliefs and the same values.

If you try branching out, and develop your own thinking or beliefs, you will constitute a certain amount of a threat to society, and society will try to do everything it can to bring you back to