A Father’s Job Is Never Done: The Work, the Worry and the Wonder of It All

By Brad Zervas

A Father’s Job Is Never Done explores through the life experiences of men from around the world and defines what it means to be a dad. It shares lessons, hardships, and triumphs and provides a platform for men at all the various stages of fatherhood with the opportunity to examine their efforts and commitments and to then draw conclusions that will assist, support, and sustain them in their journeys as present and engaged men, husbands, and fathers in the lives of their children and families. Far too many men fail in their efforts to honor the promises that they once made. Their absence, their ensuing struggles, and their familial separation cause irreparable harm and leave wounds that often never heal. The examples here identify the milestones that dads should be mindful of and provide concrete portraits painted by men who have not always had it right. They are by men willing to share their experiences regardless of their blemishes. A Father’s Job Is Never Done is the tool so many dads have needed—a tool that can be readily used by fathers young and old alike. Yes, there’s real work when it comes to being a dad, and all the ensuing worry can be overwhelming. There is, though, great wonderment—wonderment that many men miss and never get to experience. This work is the compass that so many dads have needed, and it is also a resource for mothers, mothers who are fighting for their husbands, partners, and families and fighting the good fight for which they are uniquely prepared.

• Language: English
• Publisher: LifeRich Publishing
• Release date: Jan 31, 2019
• ISBN: 9781489720535

Brad Zervas

Brad Zervas will tell his readers that he has been blessed – blessed with a family, a career and with the unyielding belief that we can be better. After graduating The University of Massachusetts with degrees in Education and Latin American Studies, he went on to lead some of this nation’s most storied social service organizations – and did this after leading a literary program at a maximum-security facility. He would respectfully remind his supporters that he followed a path with the conviction that intervention, kindness and empathy at their core, represent a pathway to a better life and to the fulfillment of the potential that is far too often ignored among legions of our children – children mired as such in trajectories of dysfunction, neglect and in the very premise that they remain invisible and somehow not worthy of our political will. Zervas’ three previous works: “They Are All Our Sons : Principles to Ignite Our Boys”; A Father’s Job Is Never Done: The Work, The Worry and the Wonder of it All”; and “The Loss of Civility and The Abduction of The Truth: Letters to the President”; have each received high praise – praise not sought, and praise better extended to those most in need. He would go on to maintain that to be truly and consciously humbled is a luxury afforded only to those with the means to do so. To those among us who are impacted and impaired by a global dynamic that threatens us all, Zervas would suggest that we consider something that transcends boarders, our religious differences, histories, and those elements of our traditions and backgrounds that should unite us rather than divide us. In weakness there does exist strength and he would ask that we weigh our individual capacities to make a difference and to shape a way forward that might allow us to reach greater clarity, community and commitment.

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Copyright © 2019 Brad Zervas.

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Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

ISBN: 978-1-4897-2052-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-2051-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-2053-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018966766

LifeRich Publishing rev. date: 01/28/2019

For Michael Bradley…your gentle spirit is my brightest light.

Remember always the power of one with another and you will always remain my number one.

Moreover, the father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgement to the Son, that all may honor the Son just as they honor the father.

JOHN 4:22,23

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

PROVERBS 27:17

You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

C.S. Lewis

CONTENTS

■   Foreword

■   In The Footsteps Of My Father

■   The Work

■   The Worry

■   The Wonder Of It All

■   The Questions

■   What’s In A Name

■   Oh Danny Boy

■   Rock Solid – Steady And Sure

■   A Life Imagined

■   O

■   Hope And Balance

■   Measure By Measure

■   Somewhere In The Ether

■   With Quiet Humility

■   Into The Light

■   Fire And Ice

■   Threads To Bare

FOREWORD

F or as long as I have known Brad, he has been the personification of good works. Throughout his career, he has used the influence and remarkable mentoring skills he developed as a teacher, coach, community activist and not-for-profit leader to improve the lives of urban youth, many of who have had the misfortune of being sidelined by ignoble assumptions based on race or socio-economic status. For some of these boys, and others like them, the long-term repercussions of marginalization followed them into adulthood and had an adverse effect on their ability to develop healthy relationships, particularly as fathers. Despite the aspirational interests of most men to become providers, nurturers, and teachers, broken dreams, damaged spirits and the absence of positive examples from which to learn caused many to believe they were incapable of equipping their sons and daughters with alternatives to the negative attitudes and behaviors that shaped their own lives. Thus, a disturbing number of men either physically abandon or never allow themselves to engage with their children. Consequently, as Brad points out, he has spent a lifetime picking up the pieces left behind by fathers who failed to understand fully the nature of what for so many of us should be considered our most important and essential vocation – a sacred trust if you will.

In an effort to alter that destructive cycle and undo the damage caused by such dispirited thinking, Brad has worked tirelessly to prune and weed the unsightly shrubs that have suppressed the gardens of otherwise existent lives of young men. In the process, he has facilitated the maturation of new, healthy blooms that have enabled many of them to pursue and experience an enriched life rather than one mired in mediocrity. In furtherance of his efforts to cultivate a new generation of more hopeful, involved Dads, he has written a powerful book entitled A Father’s Job Is Never Done: The Work, The Worry & The Wonder of It All. To paraphrase Frederick Douglas, the book is an affecting reminder that it is easier to build good fathers than it is to repair their broken offspring.

Brad has compiled an extraordinary assemblage of lessons about the responsibilities, uncertainties and joys of fatherhood, told from the perspectives of ten exceptionally dedicated Dads. Interestingly, the men in the book represent a wide swath of age groups, nationalities, races and religions. Despite their genealogical dissimilarities and the distinctions in each man’s upbringing, they are united in their unwavering belief in and commitment to the transformative power of fatherhood. And in a moment, you’ll discover that their messages are as beautiful as they are instructive.

For some, meaningful learning about parenting is the result of sage counsel like that provided by one Dad in the book who wrote that his desire for his sons was simply to have each: respect the law, honor God, family and country; be kind and trustworthy; make amends with those with whom they may have had differences and to always return home with a sense of gratitude. That same Dad illuminated that lessons can be gleaned from observing the hard work and perseverance modeled, but never discussed by men whose commitment to family is made manifest through their daily actions: the fact that his father gathered his family around the table each night for dinner, the fact that he would rise each day without complaint to assume his post as a municipal police officer; the fact that their home was always furnished and the cupboards and fridge were always well stocked were lessons Apostolis believed he needed to learn from his father. And while his father never may have articulated any of this directly to his children, there existed a very specific standard and commitment that would never waiver or be challenged. This particular reflection reminded me of my own Dad and similarly situated men frm his generation who believed that the provision of food, shelter and clothing was a far more convincing display of affection than simply saying to your children that you loved them. Moreover, as unpleasant and painful as this next modality may be, lessons about fatherhood are sometimes mined from the difficulties that plagued some Dads, and which we desperately hope never to repeat. The strong interest in eschewing those aberrant behaviors arises out of our protective desire to insulate loved ones from the devastating impact those dysfunctions may have once had on our own lives.

Notwithstanding the plight occasionally born out of the difficulties in our lives, the intensity of the resultant heartache can sometimes be used to fuel a commitment to personal and professional excellence that transcends calamitous surrounds. This was the experience of Danny, another of the wonderful Dad’s profiled in the book, who was deeply motivated to avoid the addictions that tormented some of his siblings, but just as importantly not to disappoint his father whom he deeply admired and loved. Both interests impelled him to survive and very impressively succeed personally and professionally, while simultaneously prioritizing and cherishing his wife and children. Like Joseph in the Bible, who was sold into bondage by his brothers, we are reminded by Danny’s story that although painful experiences have the potential to cause lasting harm, God can repurpose those difficulties for our good and His glory. Genesis 50:20.

The wisdom emanating from the pages of Brad’s book is a cascade of gems. Through the generosity of the men who shared their deeply moving stories, we know there is no single style or approach to fatherhood. Instead, the Dads you will hear from such as D Powers, O and Jason, to name a few more, accepted that ambiguity and difficulty are sometimes unavoidable aspects of life which each ultimately embraced. Powered by faith, perseverance and the depth of their devotion to family, they found the resolve to support and love their wives and children through occasional challenges in a way that will undoubtedly inspire other fathers to do the same.

Based largely on the shared wisdom, regrets and instructive hopes of more experienced fathers, Brad’s book is an exciting memorialization of the best qualities from which new Dads can learn. One of the most significant lessons in the book for me is that influential Dads are distinguished not only by how consistently they honor their commitments, but also by how successfully they motivate, inspire and enable their children to achieve their goals with the autonomy and latitude necessary to find their authentic voices for themselves.

Although the messages in Brad’s book are meant primarily for Dads, the amalgam of qualities responsible for producing respectable fathers can be equally applicable to the creation of good people in general. The ability to give and receive affection, put someone’s needs above our own and to love and accept another unconditionally are the qualities that make all of us healthier, richer, happier and more secure.

I extend my deepest thanks to Brad and to the remarkable Dads for their generosity in sharing with us their experiences with fatherhood so completely and transparently. Their accounts will captivate and move you. Some of their remembrances will make you cry. And all of their reflections will remind you about the comfort, strength and therapeutic power that is spawned by a father’s kindness, empathy, forgiveness and unconditional love. And as a result of what you will read, people in general, and Dads in particular, will be encouraged either again to pursue the joys of more personal relationships with their families. They will understand more clearly the opportunity and importance of being present so that they can love and nurture their children And they will more deeply cherish being involved with them in return.

James K. Grasty

Philadelphia, PA

IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY FATHER

B efore I make a single declaration; before I offer any assumptions; and before I suggest that my own experience might have a broader application, let me state with absolute conviction and resolve that one does not need to be a father in order to be a good man. In fact, troubled and absent fathers create real perils and hardships for those they damage and leave behind. My previous publication, They Are All Our Sons, reveals just how consequential a father’s actions can be and particularly when these actions are misguided and anchored in anger and dysfunction. Much of my work has unfolded among boys and young men whose fathers were neglectful and in denial. My aim here is to reflect on my own experience as a Dad and to then explore with other fathers with whom I have worked how their experiences have shaped them as men and then impacted their families. In short, most men walk in the footsteps of their fathers or in the footsteps of fathers never known.

Good men I have found come in all shapes and sizes – a common reference to suggest that as men we are the sum total of all our different parts and when we are prone to compartmentalizing our experiences we are then somehow less than our expected whole. Fatherhood does; however, engender a very specific set of circumstances and when we listen carefully, take time to consider our responsibilities and actions and then engage in truthful discourse with other Dads, the insights while often singular in nature, take on a plurality that can yield real community – community that younger fathers and Dads are often lacking – community that mid-life fathers and Dads are often too busy to acknowledge and embrace – and community that more senior fathers and Dads often long for. I am clearly a member of the ladder.

While I am still trying to make sense of my own experience, it occurs to me that there are three specific stages in a father’s development: the work; the worry; and the wonder of it all. Let me also state here that my use of capitalization when referring to Dads is a simple and clear reference that a man’s ability to father a child and then either fail or succeed at becoming a present and engaged Dad are two very different things. Successful Dads should be celebrated, honored and recognized. How we achieve and integrate our efforts into strong and intact families will determine much about our ability to build and sustain strong and tolerant communities – communities capable of embracing differences; communities grounded in equality and social justice; and communities that are able and willing to protect the natural resources we all share for each succeeding generation.

I have identified fathers who I believe will have much to teach us all. Sitting with each of these men will be an honor I will not take lightly. Their candor and honesty will I hope provide other fathers and those boys and men aspiring to fatherhood with lessons to help guide them through some of the turbulence that can often accompany our experiences as a Dad and to help others to understand that it is important to pause along the way to appreciate and recognize both the major milestones in our children’s lives while also learning to live in the moment – celebrating first steps and first words, a shared ice cream, learning to ride a bicycle, holding hands, prayers before bedtime and all the advice we can muster over the course of an entire lifetime – these are the things that define us as Dads - and the Dads here, some under 40 and others over 80 and 90, will I am certain provide context not widely available to Dads at each of the