A Golden Opportunity

By P. E. Gates

The reader will have an inside view and will be touched by the day to day and years of experiences of the joy, challenges, new adventures, and so much laughter shared between the author, her mother, her family, and so many other wonderful people.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Nov 30, 2018
• ISBN: 9781512768121

P. E. Gates

P.E. Gates co-authored her first book “Lillian’s First Day” with her sister Karen. It’s a children’s book about respecting, understanding, and accepting others who are different. She has always been an advocate for others with challenges. The reader will learn most about P. E. Gates from the daily, and years of joy, challenges, and laughter shared between her husband, her mother, and herself. Her mother moved in with them during her mother’s senior years. This book will reveal there are no perfect people, nor perfect solutions in any situation. It is the author’s desire that the reader’s heart will awakened and encouraged to step out of their norm and experience the joy of helping others and learning new things. These experiences may include many unknowns, various challenges, yet still offer so many awesome times shared. She encourages others to face their own challenges with faith and fortitude and see the great things that can be achieved. Gates is a graduate of Wilberforce University in Ohio with a BS degree in Business Management. She and her husband reside in Nashville, TN

Book preview

Chapter 1

TENDER MOMENTS

A lthough I sat only five or six feet away and faced Mother directly, she had no idea I was staring and smiling at her lovingly. It was not because she was asleep, reading, talking on the telephone, or watching one of her television programs. There was another reason why she was unaware my eyes were on her.

I marveled at her smooth skin, still practically flawless at this golden stage in her life. Her black hair, streaked with gray, sometimes seemed to have a mind of its own, but today it actually looked rather good. I paid particular attention to how the wrinkles in her neck and on her hands and arms accentuated the grace and beauty of a mighty warrior—not a warrior in a battle but a warrior in how she has overcome and even flourished in spite of the various hardships and difficulties she has encountered during her lifetime.

I continued to watch her facial movement and expressions as we talked. I have not sat down with her nearly often enough just to enjoy her presence and the mere pleasure of a good conversation. Not a needed conversation to resolve a problem or concern but a conversation just for the sake of sharing special time together. Far too many of our conversations are centered on things she needs me to do, things like picking up her medicine from the pharmacy, finding a telephone number, or locating her misplaced sunglasses or a pair of shoes she wants to wear. Far too many of our conversations take place as I stand in her doorway, impatient for her to finish what she’s saying. Or I partially listen as I’m on the move to another room, while she attempts to determine where I’ve gone. I should take more time to patiently sit down with her and have an unrushed and enjoyable conversation.

It was on this particular day that I took the opportunity to sit with my mother and study her face while we had a wonderfully lighthearted conversation. I don’t remember all that we talked about, but I do recall how thrilled we both were that our conversation was casual and unrushed. As we continued to talk, I watched her head swing back when she laughed, and a gorgeous smile appeared on her lips when one of us said something funny. We laughed and talked about lots of things—some from days gone by and some that we anticipated happening. We must have talked and laughed for more than two hours without me once looking at my watch or thinking about things that needed to be done. It was just one of those great times when we really enjoyed the conversation and each other. Those conversations and moments shared with her are very special, precious, and far too seldom enjoyed.

After we finished having this great old time, I told her I love her, and she told me the same. I affectionately embraced her and gave her a big kiss on her cheek. Her smile grew when I did that, and she gave me several kisses as well. One kiss is never enough for her; she always plants several. Some of her kisses fall on the ear, some on the eye, and some on the nose. Landing a perfectly placed kiss does not always come from the initial kiss. But somewhere between the second or third she reaches her intended target—the cheek.

Mother is an off-target kisser because she is totally blind. Her vision has been an issue since she was in first grade. Doctors were unable to do anything to help her vision, and her eyesight grew progressively worse as she got older. She has a degenerative eye disease called retinitis pigmentosa, which is marked by impaired vision in the early stages. Mother has been seen by some of the best eye specialists in the field, and each of them has said the same thing—there is no cure or treatment for retinitis pigmentosa. This hereditary disease is progressive, worsening with aging and eventually leads to blindness.

Mother has been completely blind since she was approximately sixty four years old. She has had some degree of blindness for over forty years and vision problems over seventy-five years. Although she has lived with my husband, Hiriam, and me for eighteen years, she has no idea what he looks like other than what I have described to her. She has never seen him but she does know all about the type of person he is because of how good he is to her and how well the two of them get along. I could not have asked for a better husband to be there for my mother particularly with her very serious vision issues. As far as she is concerned, Hiriam is the very best son-in-law she could ever have.

Mother has not seen her grandson, Christopher, since he was ten years old, he is now 28 years old. She has never seen her eighteen-year-old granddaughter, Jillian. Her being unable to see Hiriam, Christopher and Jillian does not affect how they treat her or how she enjoys them. They truly love and enjoy each other without a doubt. When she wants to get an idea of what Jillian looks like, Mother uses her hands to touch her face, head, and hair, and she runs her hands down her arms for an idea of how she might physically look. Mother has her own idea of what Hiriam looks like from my description of him. Her vision of the three of them reflects how she feels about them in her heart. In her heart Hiriam, Christopher and Jillian are very beautiful people.

What mother lacks in physical sight she makes up for in enthusiasm, spunk, and love of life. I hope to have at least half the spunk and courage she has if and when I reach my eighties like mother has in her eighties. My sister Karen and I often kid her that if she wasn’t blind, we would never see her, because she would be traveling all the time. She always laughs when we say that and has never disagreed. I love her spirit and how she handles her disability, and most of all, I love her.

Because I had so much fun with Mother, talking, and laughing that day, I vowed to make our fun conversations much more frequent. It is truly amazing what little time and effort it takes to make a big positive difference in one’s life—especially in my life. Children (young and old) tend to spend far too little time enjoying their parents and appreciating them for who they are and the part they play in the children’s lives. No parents are perfect, but most parents are perfectly happy when spending time with their children. Whether times are good or not so good, nearly every parent is excited about being with his or her children. I know my mother enjoys being with her children and grandchildren as much as she enjoys anything else. And if my siblings: Herb, Karen and Ron and their families happen to be with her at the same time, then she is ecstatic.

That fun, lighthearted conversation with Mother awakened my deep respect, love, and devotion for her. It was a reminder of how easily it is to become consumed in day-to-day issues. Matters of work, life, and maintaining a household can cause us to ignore some very special and tender moments and take our loved ones for granted.

Since that day, I have sat in silence on many occasions and watched mother. I pay particular attention to her facial expressions. Sometimes I quietly watch her talk on the telephone, listen to the television, or sit in her favorite chair without her knowing that I am taking notice. Being blind may slow her down a bit, but it certainly does not stop her. I admire the strength and perseverance she has. She has remained positive, even with the challenges she has encountered. She is an excellent example for me and our entire family. Whether she is watching television, talking on the phone, or falling asleep in a chair, it brings joy to my heart to see her so alive and comfortable at this stage in her life. Whatever she is doing uplifts my soul and provides me with some of the most precious moments I have experienced.

One of Mother’s activities that gives me great joy is that she goes to a senior citizens’ center. She rides the bus to get there and back home. When Mother returns home from the center, if I am there when she arrives, I will sometimes meet her at the bus, help her down the steps and bring her in the house. Although it is the driver’s duty to help her off the bus and safely into the house, but there is just something very special and tender about my taking her purse and holding her hand as she steps down the steps that mean a lot to me. She uses her cane for extra support, and once she is safely on the ground, it only takes a few minutes to get inside the house. I so enjoy walking arm-in-arm with her as she begins to tell me about her day. I enjoy that little walk and talk so much that I often stop whatever I am doing around the time I think she will arrive and watch for the bus so I can meet her. Helping Mother off the bus and into the house allows the bus driver to continue on his route a little quicker and get the other riders home just a little sooner.

My helping her off the bus, however, did not last very long. Mother put an end to it after I came to get her two or three days in a row. She let me know it wasn’t a good idea, saying, Pat, I don’t want you to get me from the bus so often. If you continue to do so, they might start expecting you to be there every day, and you know that is not going to work. I told her how much I enjoyed helping her in that manner, but she said, I know that you enjoy helping me into the house, but I know what I am talking about, so please don’t do it. She agreed that I could get her every now and then but not on a regular basis.

I honored her request and only met her occasionally. I trusted mother’s judgment and did as she asked. My trips to meet her at the bus are not as frequent now, but they are still so very precious. Even simple things can be tender moments.

Chapter 2

LEARNING TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

H iriam and I married when we both were in our forties. It was my second marriage and his first. Neither of us had children. Getting married a little later in life has pluses and minuses and sometimes it’s hard to tell which is which. It’s a plus that we are older meaning we’re more mature and know what we want in life. The minus is that we are older and also often more stubborn, set in our ways, and perhaps a bit more inflexible and less likely to change. Another plus is that we are old enough to stay away from pipe dreams, but we sometimes stop dreaming altogether. There is opportunity and reason for growth, learning, and dreaming at all ages, but as we get older, we tend to become complacent and do less of each.

When Hiriam and I first married, we had difficulty adjusting to each other. Being a bachelor until we married meant he was accustomed to going and coming as he pleased and doing whatever he wanted. He didn’t do a lot of coming and going (except to work), but the two of us suffered from a mental disconnection. I almost always knew where he was physically, but mentally, he was often hard to read and reach.

Hiriam is a man of few words; he doesn’t easily open up and express his emotions and feelings. I realized this early in our marriage and had difficulty with it. I asked and even pleaded with him to be more open and expressive, but it still did not work. Now, after almost twenty years of marriage, he is still pretty much the same. After the first couple of years, however, I learned to understand and interpret what he did not say just as much as what he did say. Unspoken words and certain mannerisms can be just as loud and clear as shouting. It was a valuable lesson to learn, and I finally understood his unspoken messages.

I am open to expressing my feelings. Very little guessing or wondering is required regarding what’s on my mind or how I feel. If I don’t come right out and say how I feel, it takes very little coaxing to get it out of me. I am that way with most people with whom I choose to share my feelings, but I have not always been so open. Past years of bottled-up anger and resentment poisoned my soul and taught me that it is much healthier to get matters out of my system than to let them fester on the inside and explode on the outside. Those years of bottling things within proved to be detrimental to my health and in all areas of my life. Being open with my feelings helps keep me sane, particularly when I’m upset or disappointed. Being open does not mean it’s okay to be rude, disrespectful, or insensitive to others. It only means letting others know how I honestly feel and conveying those feelings in the most civil and considerate way possible. What I have to say may not be something another wants to hear, so I say it is as respectful and courteous as possible.

For those first few years of marriage, Hiriam and I struggled to get beyond our communication issues. I was always open to sharing my feelings with him, but I had to guess what was on his mind. I finally got tired of guessing and told him, If you don’t feel the issue is worth discussing, it’s certainly not worth my trying to guess what it is. My taking that stand basically resolved our communication issues. He knows I’m all ears when he wants to talk, but when he doesn’t I back off and either way, I generally understand where he is coming from.

Our marriage has taught me a very valuable lesson: talking does not always constitute good communication, and silence does not always constitute poor communication. The quality of effective communication is significantly determined by the connection between the people involved and not necessarily by spoken words. When effective communication is desired, the method to obtain it can vary. It requires the willingness to be attentive, whether the message is verbal or nonverbal, good or bad. For me, sometimes I had to learn to read Hiriam’s body language. I call it putting self aside and being attentive to him. Even when no words were spoken, often there was much to feel, understand, and learn.

Although we resolved our communication issues a couple of years into our marriage, the early years were still rather complicated. We had other differences to work out through compromise. I’m spontaneous; he’s more predictable. I’m creative; he’s structured. I’m the one who says Let’s go and do such and such; he says, Let me think about it, and I will let you know. Sometimes I don’t want him to think about it; I want him to just agree with me that we will do it. When I’m in a hurry to get something done, he is more apt to take his time (unless it’s urgent) or not do it at all.

When I am gung-ho about something, he barely raises an eyebrow. I must admit that his sluggishness and reluctance to agree with some of my bright ideas have caused me disappointment and frustration. But that same sluggishness and reluctance have also prevented us from making some poor personal and business decisions. In our differences, we have found great strength that we each bring to our marriage. In some instances, being wired differently has proven especially beneficial.

After our second year of marriage, we began to appreciate our differences and got on the same page for what we wanted in life. We were blessed early with a trust in each other, which is essential in any marriage. He proved early on to be honest, dependable, faithful, a man of his word, hardworking, and a person who has my back. Those attributes brought me great comfort. I believe I proved to him that I am honest, dependable, faithful, a person of my word, and a woman who has his back. Perhaps that brought him comfort as well. Though we still have our differences and various issues to work through, we have discovered that we have far more in common than we have differences. We share an unbroken love and support of each other.

As we learned to adjust to each other and even appreciate our differences, things began to settle down and smooth out a bit. What allowed us to bend but not break was our discovering that despite our differences on certain subjects, our core values and beliefs were essentially the same. When we got our hearts and heads in line with each other, our journey together was more peaceful, hopeful, and rewarding. At some point—and I am not sure when it occurred—we recognized that neither of us was good at everything or knew everything. We also discovered that each of us was good at something that the other was not. With this invaluable information, we finally understood that neither of us had all the answers and wasn’t expected to. We concluded that in questionable situations, all reasonable suggestions and opinions would be considered and whatever decisions we made together (whether both liked it or not), we would accept, respect, and honor those decisions.

Somewhere along the way I began to view our marriage as a partnership. I realize that a partnership in marriage does not sound romantic or dreamy, but it made sound practical sense to us. A partnership is a joint venture between individuals or entities. Duties and responsibilities in the partnership may vary, but each duty and responsibility is to make the partnership strong, respectable, positive, and full of growth. I wanted that for our marriage. I came to the conclusion that as long as my partner and I stayed on the same ship and worked together, we could weather the storms of life and enjoy many sunny days together.

In these nearly twenty years, our marriage has evolved in many ways—from a canoe to a paddleboat to a steamship and now to a partnership. Who knows how it will evolve next—perhaps a cruise ship as we cruise into retirement and old age together.

Chapter 3

COMMITMENTS—BE MINDFUL OF THEM

B e careful of commitments made, for they are not to be entered into casually or without forethought. Commitments are vows, promises, or pledges we make to ourselves or others that there are certain things we will do or will not do. When we commit ourselves to someone or something, we should be in it for the long haul.

Many of us have made commitments—whether it’s a wedding vow or a commitment to lose weight, eat healthier, and become more physically active or even to read more. Some of us may have made a commitment to return to school, become a better parent, start our own businesses, or give up a bad habit. The list is endless.

Commitments are easy to initiate; the difficulty often arises in keeping them. The fact that a commitment was made often suggests it is important and perhaps there is difficulty in satisfying it. I don’t have to make a commitment to do something I already thoroughly enjoy and find effortless to achieve. I don’t have to commit to eat chocolate, sleep in on Saturdays, or go to church on Sundays because I thoroughly enjoy those things and do them happily, without the least bit of effort or nudging. But staying away from chocolate, getting up early on Saturday morning, and staying away from church would require a monumental effort on my part.

Some people have little to no problem with sticking with their commitments, while others have great difficulty or may even need prodding. Commitments may be demanding to maintain. Perhaps the sincerity, and benefits to be gained helps to determine one’s success in fulfilling them. Before commitments of any sort are made, realistic plans and expectations should be considered regarding the likelihood of keeping them.

When Hiriam and I first started dating seriously, his father was quite ill. Because of his health, he was not very talkative on the couple of occasions when I spent a little time with him. I missed the opportunity to really get to know him before his death. However, based on Hiriam’s and my mother-in-law’s descriptions of his personality, I could tell he was quite a character, someone I would have loved a lot. Though he was rather small in stature, tales of his humor, wit, and no-nonsense ways of parenting were larger than life. I would have loved to have spent more time with him before he became ill and passed. He sounded like a man of wisdom and someone fun to be around. Though I missed out on my father-in-law’s humor and wit, my mother-in-law made up for it. She is a wonderful woman with a kind and gentle spirit and also very humorous. She has a way with her expressions and words that keep me laughing all the time.

Hiriam’s father passed three months after we were married. Though his mother was still in good health at that time, Hiriam was concerned about her future. A couple months after Hiriam’s father’s death, he and I made a commitment regarding his mother. Though she lives in another state and has loving children there who would certainly take excellent care of her, we agreed that if she reached a point where she could no longer care for herself, we would welcome her into our