You Just Don't Get It

By Toya Johnson and Reginae Carter

The relationship between mother and daughter can often be a difficult maze to navigate. It's ever-changing and effected by so many outside forces from friends to social media. Those things have forced the relationship to evolve and adapt to the new ways we communicate and problem solve. It all basically comes down to this...our daughters are looking to us for guidance in this world and for answers that we might not always have. Let's face it, not all of us had the best relationships with our mothers and we certainly don’t want our daughters to suffer in the same ways, nor do we want our relationships with them to suffer that same fate. "You Just Don't Get It!" gives you a peek into the world of me and my daughter, Reginae. It invites you to see how I've dealt with obstacles when raising a daughter while trying to figure out how to break a cycle of teen pregnancy and missed opportunities. In no way is this a “how to” manual to parenting; but simply my story of how I have attempted to raise my daughter and give her tools so that she can live the life I have always dreamed for her or whatever life she desires for herself. It’s was an amazing journey and I hope yours will be too.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9780997217858

Book preview

Intro…

Toya…

It's super hard to get your teenage daughter to communicate with you about certain things. As parents, we feel a mixture of emotions when we feel our kids aren’t telling us the whole truth. One of the biggest things I had to learn was how to listen to my daughter without judgement or overreacting. Trust me, It's very hard to hear your teenage daughter tell you some of the things that are going on in her world, especially with her group of friends at school. But, It's better to hear it come from her than any other person.

I always wanted to be the parent who listened to my child, then helped her without jumping to conclusions. It wasn't that easy though. since I had Reginae at a young age, I thought that part would be super easy. But when the time came, I couldn't handle it. I found myself handling her the wrong way. I would punish her, yell at her, and carry on. Overtime, I realized that my reactions were only making the situations worse. I had to switch that up real quick before our relationship was damaged beyond repair. I began to think about how I felt when I was her age not having anyone to talk to who could relate to me. Every time I talked to a family member about certain touchy situations, I ended up getting in trouble for just trying to be open and honest about what was happening in my life as a teenage girl trying to find her way in this world.

Constantly receiving harsh reactions to you opening up only makes you want to keep things bottled inside, hiding things from the people who are supposed to be around to give you guidance and teach you. When my daughter turned 15, I made a conscious effort to start making her feel a little more comfortable. I would always ask her what was going in her crew. When her girlfriends came to visit, I’d be in the room with them asking, What's the tea? Not as a parent to a child, but I was asking more as a friend.

That was my way of breaking the ice. Once she saw my reaction was more of understanding, opposed to preaching, she started opening up to me a little more. I gave her advice instead of getting upset with her. I'm not saying it was easy, but I knew that just as easily as she let me in, she could shut me right back out; I could lose her. Our kids are not our friends, at all, but we must develop a little friendship with them to make them feel comfortable talking to us. When I was growing up, my parents made it clear, I'm not your friend. They used to always tell us, You are a child and need to stay in a child's place.

In the world we live in today, we have to have adult-like conversations with our daughters because things move a lot faster than they did when we were growing up. Some of these little 14 and 15-year-olds are like little adults, LOL.

That's really why it was important for me to do a project like this with my daughter. I travel all over the country and meet a lot of young women who have daughters, like myself. The number one thing I hear is, I don't know how to get through to her. People always say they admire the relationship I have with my daughter, but believe me It's taken a lot of work and growing pains to get to where we are today.

Through this book, I hope you guys get to see those same fights and battles you’re having in your own home, I'm fighting in mine as well. This type of relationship isn't formed overnight; it takes trial and error along with a balance of good and bad situations to find the formula to build the great mother-daughter bond that we all want so much. We are raising our children in a different world than the one we were brought up in; It's a lot colder, a lot faster, and temptation is at every turn and at their fingertips with those stupid smartphones. Not to mention their friends, boyfriends, and role models from entertainment, sports, and even social media are not the best, but are highly influential. We have a tough job and we have to make sure that while all of those forces are in their left ear, we are in their right, giving them the guidance and the lessons that they may not want to hear now, but will definitely need later.

Quality Time

Toya…

When I gave birth to my daughter, I was 15-years-old. When I tell you she was my world! Everywhere I went, I took that little girl with me. The only time I left her was when I went to school. Other than that if you saw Toya, you saw Reginae right there beside me. For most of her childhood it was like that, which is why I think she’s so spoiled, LOL. She was a mama's girl and that's also why it's so hard for me to let go and let her grow up. We spent so much time together when she was little. I guess it had a lot to do with me wanting to break the cycle of how I was raised. I didn't spend much time with my mother as a kid, so I wanted to make sure I was with my daughter each and every day.

Before I really got things started as far as a career, I really wanted to open my own boutique. It was something that I worked at for years and I finally opened my boutique in 2007. After my very first reality show, my direction changed and I started to move more towards what I am currently doing like writing books, public speaking, and even hosting events.

Initially, when the television opportunity came into play, I was a little apprehensive because I thought that the type of schedule and lifestyle associated with entertainment would be too much, taking me away from my daughter more than I was ready for. At that point, Reginae already had one parent who was living this hectic whirlwind of a life, so I didn't think it would be good for me to add to that equation. When I sat down with the producers to talk about the show, I made it clear to them that my daughter was my first priority. For me to be involved with that project, things would have to work around me being a mother. Luckily, the producers understood and made sure to hold true to my wishes. They even took it a step further by including her in the show.

Reginae was still young at that time. It's hard to believe now, but back then she really didn't like the cameras. Every time

Reviews for You Just Don't Get It

[Meagan Goode · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Ayy ani lui or wateva quit hating on toya ! Str8 up !

[Desiree Carmichael · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Awesome and great advice from mom and daughter.

[ani luna · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

It was definitely a poorly written book. Not at all what I expected