It’s Ok to Tell: Healing Process Diary

By Marie Giles

It’s Ok to Tell started out as diaries to help me get through this turmoil. You can see how I was not able to express so well at the start of the process but was able to develop this ability as time passed by.

I have decided to get it published in order to help and encourage others to speak out and to show how difficult it is to do so so that they, too, can live life. I hope to have shown that it is OK to tell and that it is OK to feel the disastrous effects, but you can get through it eventually. It never does go away, but it does get easier to live with.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Sep 15, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984502360

Marie Giles

I was born in Sydney, Australia in 1970 and moved to Co. Antrim, Northern Ireland at the age of 7. In September 1989 at the age of 19 i moved back to Sydney and am now currently living in Perth, Australia since 2000. I have 3 beautiful adult children and 1 granddaughter who are the light of my life and my reasons for fighting for my survival and life.

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Copyright © 2018 by Marie Giles.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 09/14/2018

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CONTENTS

DIARIES FOR 2002

17 January

Justin

Ben

The Phone Call

Cheryl

Josephine

Telling My Parents

Reporting It to the Police

My Local Police

The First Three Nights

Everybody’s Hurt

The Letter

Why Am I Writing This?

18 January

My Kids

Melony

My Granny

His Wife

Joe

Smoking

20 January

Control

Dan

Andrew

February

My Parents

School

Counselling through SARC (Sexual Assault Resource Centre)

Positives and Negatives

What Gets Me through Life

Justin

17 March

Getting Anxious

The Arrest

18 March

My Dad

28 March

My Thoughts

3 April

Not Thinking about It

20 May

A Letter to Jim

Death

Overdose

Support

22 May

A Letter to Cheryl

Ben

Mum and Melony

The Effects

Self-Help Book

30 June

Inner Child

My Marriage

10 July

Sex Again

8 August

Mum in Ireland

My Thoughts about the Punishment

What I Have Learnt about Healing

7 September

My Family

14 September

My Health and Coping

Phone Call from Jim Watt

29 November

Phone Call from Julia

7 December

Court in Australia

DIARIES FOR 2003

14 March

Preliminary Hearing

15 March

Cheryl’s Lack of Charges

19 March

Their Local Paper

20 March

Friends’ Comments

29 March

More Hurt Than I Realised

13 April

The Trial Date

Special Friends

A Letter from Clara

Khloe

Sarah

3 May

The Build-Up to the Trial

Ben and I Went Out

9 May

My Marriage

30 May

A Drama after the Trial

June

Leaving for the Trial

The First Week in Ireland

Why I Think I Deserve to Appeal

29 September

Ellen’s Trial

Social Services

14 October

Slipping Again

16 October

I Have Slipped

6 November

Writing When Not Terribly Stressed

The Next Court Case

12 November

Things Clicking into Place

13 November

Ben

My Parents

The Next Trial

6 December

My Session with Carmen

19 December

My Anger Right Now

Ten Minutes Later

DIARIES FOR 2004

9 January

His Friend

The Build-Up to the Retrial

10 January

What Am I Doing?

The Financial Burden

12 January

Am I?

15 January

My Flight Ticket

20 January

The Retrial Has Been Postponed

Writing with My Left Hand

30 January

Carmen’s Comments on My

Writing with My Left Hand

2 February

The Day I Was Supposed to Be in Court

Phone Call to Social Services

Phone Call to Jim

I Want My Life

11 February

My Massage from Lorraine

14 February

Falling Again

Mia

Application Made by the Defence

Dylan

Jane

Talk with Ben

21 February

RE: My Trip to Ireland

March

Leah

What I Have Learnt from Leah

My Mother’s Support

The Courthouse

Jenny

Sunday World

Current Affairs

Well-Known Politician

Social Services

Victim Support

My Tattoo

The Ceremony

I Rang His Wife

My Mum Wanted to Meet Him

Back Home Again

Monsignor ****

7 April

About the Letter to Sir ****

The Letter to Sir ****

Report for Retrial from Carmen

8 April

If You Love Them, Set Them Free

27 April

Letter to Mr C****

29 April

Meditation and Buddhism

My List of Positives and Negatives

JULY 2018

July 2018

Where I Am Today

To who may read these diaries!

I would just like to ask you to remember that these are just my thoughts and feelings during my real turmoil and that, whatever page you are reading, especially if you are personally involved, my thoughts and feelings have probably changed throughout my process of healing.

I feel this is where all my counselling and learning has helped me see things in a different light-maybe some things in a better light and perhaps some in a not-so-nice light. I would also like to remind you that we cannot change the way we feel at any time and that I have also been learning how to be totally honest with myself, and I do hope this is what I have achieved in these diaries.

Also, to the judge who may be looking through this as evidence against me for the defence, I would request that you remember that a lot of these things are my very personal thoughts and feelings. Although I am being totally truthful about everything and have absolutely nothing to hide, I hope that you bear this in mind if you do hand any of it over to the defence. And maybe we could be allowed to use some of it on the prosecutions’ side. Thank you.

I do hope no one gets terribly offended in reading this.

Names have been changed for legal privacy rights.

Introduction

I have been writing these diaries since January 2002. I have been writing them as my counsellor, Karen, recommended, and I do so as therapy. Karen informed me it is a good exercise to do when things are really playing on my mind. I must admit, I am finding it very beneficial, and I would recommend it to anyone. I think I may also encourage my children to keep diaries when they are a bit older.

The date today is 16 November 2003, and I have been typing up all my diaries from the exercise book I originally wrote them in, for these simple reasons: it keeps things more organised, and the writing is legible this way. I have been spending the last few weeks organising it all for three reasons.

• The first reason is for me; I think that because the abuse and the side effects have been with me all these years and have been who I am, it is important for me to see everything in order to help me move on with my life and to try to find myself and who I am supposed to be.

• The second reason is for my children and perhaps Ben, and my family will want to read it all at some stage in their lives.

• The third reason is that if the judge for my second trial must see it, then it is in order. Originally, this was just therapy, but if it is needed as some sort of evidence, then that is fine by me. I am sure this is my last chance at a trial, and anything is worth a go.

DIARIES FOR 2002

Contents for January 2002

17 January

– Justin

– Ben

– The Phone Call

– Cheryl

– Josephine

– Telling My Parents

– Reporting It to the Police

– My Local Police

– The First Three Nights

– Everybody’s Hurt

– The Letter

– Why Am I Writing This?

18 January

– My Kids

– Melony

– My Granny

– His Wife

– Joe

– Smoking

20 January

– Control

– Dan

– Andrew

17 January

Justin

These events took place on 31 December 2001.

When Ben and I got home from the pub, I was so upset at this stage. And for some reason, I telephoned Justin and told him that I had something very serious to tell him, that I hoped he would believe me, and that I was sorry to be putting this on him.

So I told him of the sexual abuse and I was crying a lot and I kept on repeating myself by saying that I was so sorry to be doing this to him and that I hoped he believed what I was telling him.

Meanwhile, he kept on saying that he did believe me. And finally, at one stage, I realised what it was that he was saying, and I then asked him, ‘what do you mean?’

Then he said, ‘I do believe you. He tried it on me.’ I had to get him to repeat it, as I was so shocked to hear this.

Never for one minute had I ever thought of the possibility of him abusing other people also. At this point, I started to roar and scream in horror, in shock, in disgust, and in pain for both Justin and myself. And then we hung up, as the two of us were just a mess.

Ben

Over the years, it has all been there at the front of my mind, but I was very good at pushing it all to the side. Ben knew about the sexual abuse and the side effects that affected me and my family.

At the end of the night out to celebrate the New Year, before I discovered about Justin, Melony had come to the pub with her attitude that everyone can see except for our parents, and she put Justin and me into bad form. As usual, my parents made excuses for her. Justin, his wife, Ben, and I had a deep conversation about this. Immediately, the sexual abuse and the side effects came to the fore of my mind, as it is all related.

I got so angry, as did Ben. After we got home, I then telephoned Justin.

After I hung up on Justin, I went to tell Ben, and I hit out at him and ripped his shirt off him. I was hitting him and basically bashing him. Of course, he could not just sit there and take it, so he had to fight back and tried to restrain me. I do not blame Ben for this, and I am not proud of myself and how I reacted.

I do love Ben a lot; he is a very good father. He is a worker and works for the children and me. Ben does frustrate me at times because he can’t and won’t try to talk about his feelings. A lot of the time, he will not tell me his true feelings. He says things that he thinks I want to hear. He is not a very good listener; he only hears what he chooses to hear and blocks out the rest. Or he is very good at interpreting things the wrong way. He also has an attacking tone in his voice when talking to people. He is not very affectionate either. Having said all this, I love Ben more than he thinks I do, and I know he loves me and is a good man and means well. I also know that Ben hates to see me hurting like this and does not know how to deal with it or how to help me. I would be lost without him, as he and the children are my life, and I don’t say this lightly.

What I would like is for Ben to try to express himself better, for his own sake as well as mine. I try to be positive in my life or try to find something positive in the negative. I would like Ben to listen to what is said before he interprets the conversation his own way. I would also like for him to give me a kiss or a cuddle without it leading to sex.

I am guilty of a lot of things as well, but I have been trying to be honest with myself; I am aware of my own faults. I, for example, am not too affectionate towards Ben, and that is because if I cuddle him in bed, he automatically thinks we are going to have sex. That puts me off. Ben needs sex a lot more than I do; I know this. Most times, when we do have sex, I enjoy it, but I don’t want it every night. It is pretty much like doing the ironing. The thought of it makes you sick, but once you get started, it is not that bad at all.

I know Ben loves me a lot. I know that, with him, the children and I come first and before his own family in Ireland. Ben is not a big drinker, is not a gambler, and is not a womaniser, nor is he a bad man at all. I do consider myself very lucky to be his wife and the mother of his children.

Ben and I are very good at not allowing issues to build up inside. People who do not know us very well think we are fighting at times, but we are not. In every sense of the word, we are not false with each other.

Ben, if you ever do end up reading this, please don’t get offended. I do love you. I know you don’t understand why this whole situation is an issue now, as I have always been aware of what he did to me. But it is a whole different story now. I cannot explain why, but it is an issue for me.

The Phone Call

On the morning of New Year’s Day, at approximately 2.30 a.m., I found out I was not the only one he had abused. Justin was also a victim in some way or another. He has closed up and is not speaking about it.

I then phoned him the bastard, and informed him of the fact that I knew I was not the only one and that it was I who had sent the letter to his wife. He said, ‘I wondered who sent it.’ I was also told to watch what I said and who I said it to, because it was my word against his.

I said, ‘Oh no, it is not.’ I told him that so far it was his word against two, and I was sure there were more of us.

The phone call lasted for a good hour (when I get my phone bill, I will know exactly how long).

During the phone call, he never once denied any accusations, although he never directly admitted to them either.

The two of them remained nice and calm through it all.

They told me I was a disturbed girl, and his wife said, ‘You should talk to your mum about it.’

I replied, ‘Don’t you worry about that. I will be speaking to her and a lot of other people about it. It will no longer be kept a secret.’

There was lots more said. He also tried to change the subject once or twice, so I said, ‘Don’t be changing the fucking subject.’

He responded with ‘Oh,is it New Year’s Day with you now?’ or ‘Look, Marie, we have visitors’ as a way to keep the focus off the subject at hand.

I replied, ‘I don’t give a fuck who is there!’

I was so full of anger, and yes, I was drunk at this stage. It was a good thing I could not see him, with the anger I had inside me. Ben said to not ring him until tomorrow when I would be sober, but I would not listen, as it was the drink that gave me the courage to ring him in the first place. I would not change it for the world, as it is the best thing I have ever done.

I talked about how he had the cheek to come to my wedding and wish me all the best. How my father insisted on me taking him for a drive in my first car and I kept refusing. Whilst my dad and I were arguing over this, he stood and watched and listened and said nothing. In the end, I had to take him, and him being the bastard that he is, he came with me. His wife then asked me if I was saying that he abused me on that occasion. I replied