Rigid

By Eric J. Richard

My spiritual battles began shortly after my dad was diagnosed terminally ill. I quickly became anxious about whether he would go to Heaven after he died. I should have been more concerned about myself. I came to trust Jesus for salvation shortly after he lost his battle with cancer; I was 33. Over the next couple of years I was hospitalized multiple times for manic and depression, and diagnosed as bipolar. In short, I was a mess.

Things only improved after confessing to sins I previously chose to pretend never happened. You cannot step into the light expecting to keep the darkness hidden, it must be exposed. Also, Christians are called to share the Gospel, but it is not our responsibility to ensure others will make the same decision to believe. Initially I believed it was. This is my story. This is my journey.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Apr 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9781546236276

Eric J. Richard

Eric Richard currently lives in Hampton NB, Canada with his wife and 6 children. He was diagnosed with bipolar in 2007 shortly after his father lost his battle with cancer. He openly shares his thoughts, failures, and spiritual struggles during his darkest days as he successfully battled through his depression and manic episodes. His last hospital admission was back in 2009. This is his personal journey, and he shares it in hopes that it sheds light on your darkness as well.

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© 2018 Eric J. Richard. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 05/18/2018

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3628-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3626-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3627-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018904049

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Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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Table of Contents

The Mighty Oak and the Willow

Heaven’s Little Light

Hard to Make a Stand

More than Words

A Wretch like Me

The Message Not Given

A Sense of Clarity

Down But Not Out

Manically Speaking

The Talking Snake

An Opposing View

Searching for Purpose

In memory of my father, Alcide (El-Sid) Joseph Richard (1941-2007)

My dad once told me during his illness that he really wanted to write a book. I’m not entirely sure what he wanted to write about, but I wish I could have known what was really on his mind.

- 1 -

The Mighty Oak and the Willow

Now there’s no more oak oppression for they passed a noble law, And the trees are all kept equal, by hatchet, axe, and saw.

~ Neal Peart (The Trees)

My Psychiatrist once told me the story of a mighty oak and a willow tree. The huge mighty oak stood very tall and strong with its roots planted deep into the ground of an open field. In that same field was a willow tree, also firmly rooted in the ground. One day a fierce hurricane passed over the field. During the initial part of the storm, the strong and mighty oak stood very firm against the relentless howling wind. However, during the fiercest part of the storm, it eventually snapped in two and lay broken on the open field.

The willow was just as exposed as the oak. Around the same time that the oak snapped, the willow was blowing over so much that at times the tip of the tree was practically touching the ground. However, because of its flexibility, it was able to withstand the fierce hurricane force winds. When the storm had passed the willow eventually sprung back upright while the strong and mighty oak tree remained broken on the field.

We had several interesting and sometimes intense conversations which occasionally led to heated arguments prior to his tree analogy. The point he was trying to make was that I needed to be more flexible like the willow so I would be able to withstand the storms, leaving to interpretation the possibility of otherwise ending up broken like the mighty oak. In my mind I agreed I was very much like that oak tree. However, in the context of our conversation I still very much disagree that I needed to be more like the willow.

My problem that day, like most other days, was that I was unable to immediately think of any response to his analogy. I did not verbally agree or disagree with his message, although in my mind I was in total disagreement. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds as he allowed me to process the meaning of his analogy, but since I could not immediately think of anything to say I chose to say nothing at all.

I generally have a difficult time of simply letting things go. I knew there was a problem with what he was suggesting in the context of our conversation. I simply couldn’t let it go. On my way home, and for quite some time later, I kept thinking about his analogy trying to come up with what I should have said. Unfortunately I kept coming back with the same reply I had when he first shared it- nothing at all. Several days, or possibly even a couple of weeks later, the incident of the non-reply was still bothering me. As I was trying to sleep one night, quite relaxed in a really nice leather reclining rocking chair with my feet up as high as they could go, I continued to think it over. The chair was one of those soft leather types that you sink right into. Unfortunately for me it was not my chair. I was lying beside my son’s hospital bed in the Pediatric-Intensive Care Unit.

It was a very stressful time to say the least. My son still has the rare blood disorder known as ITP, but at the time the doctors were still unsure what the issue was. We initially brought him in because of strange bruising over his body. He was also having frequent nose bleeds that lasted a long time. They decided to give him a steroid treatment in attempts to boost his very low white blood cell count. It was very late by the time they decided on a treatment, so they suggested keeping him overnight to ensure he wouldn’t have any negative reaction to it.

Although the room was different, I was already very familiar with the walls and halls of that hospital. I had spent extended periods of time in a different ward on a few different occasions. A few months after my father died from cancer I was admitted for a manic episode. A short while later, I was admitted again for severe depression. Experiencing both depression and mania over a relatively short period of time I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, on this particular overnight visit, I was just an anxious father instead of a very frustrated patient. My son Ryan was already asleep as I was lying in the chair beside him listening to hospital sounds I was already very much accustomed to falling asleep to.

Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I believe it was something that one of my high school History teachers once said, and it was the very thing I wished I could have said some time earlier at my last appointment with my psychiatrist. When my rebuttal to his tree analogy finally came to me, I was so excited that it took a long while before I could fall asleep. I was actually looking forward to my next appointment. All I had to do was somehow think of a way to work my response into our next conversation.

At least a couple weeks had passed before my next appointment. I was hoping our conversation would pick up from where we left off but of course it didn’t work out that way. The reason I didn’t agree with his tree analogy was because it was in reference to our conversation about God. We were discussing God as Creator versus the Theory of Evolution, and he was attempting to make me more flexible on my firm stance on God as Creator.

I may not have had the right words to say during any of our spiritual discussions with him, but one thing I proudly can take from them is that my stance remained exactly the same throughout them all. I was much like that oak tree which stood firmly in the ground, but he was flip flopping all over the place with his spiritual beliefs like the willow, grasping at anything so long as whatever it was disagreed with God as Creator. That’s a common occurrence though with the spiritual debates I’ve been involved in. The majority who deny God as Creator only seem to believe the things that they do in attempts to discredit Him, and they certainly do not cling to them. They often quickly change or flip flop around in their beliefs so long as whatever it is opposes divine creation.

The thought that hit me like a ton of bricks was, If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. It is written that God created the Heavens and the Earth, and to me there is no other logical explanation that could prove otherwise. He either created them like He said he did, or He didn’t. His word is either true, or it is false. With all I have experienced in my life I came to trust that it is truth, and I believe it’s impossible for me to be convinced of anything otherwise. When it comes to my spiritual beliefs, I would rather end up broken like that oak tree standing firmly in my faith than to aimlessly flip flop around in my beliefs like a willow. When it comes to God as Creator, and whether the Bible is truth in its entirety, my faith will remain rigid.

- 2 -

Heaven’s Little Light

Give me a word, give me a sign, show me where to look, tell me what will I find

~ Ed Roland (Shine)

I attended church every Sunday when I was growing up. It was a rare occasion if we ever missed a service. However, around my early to mid-teen years my parents allowed me to decide whether to continue going or stay home on Sunday mornings. I’m sure they would have rather I continued attending, but it was precisely at that time I decided to stop going. I still attended the major services at Christmas and Easter though. Similar to school at the time, I did not see the need or have any desire to attend. It may seem like that might have been a poor choice by my parents to even allow me the option, but I guess in reality they realized I would soon be making that choice on my own anyway.

It was at that Roman Catholic Church where I was first taught about the trinity, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. It was also there that I first learned that I was a sinner. They held certain services throughout the year where we would openly confess our sins to the priest one-on-one like you sometimes see in the older movies. As you might imagine, this was a very scary time for me as a child. I remember being very afraid to openly confess my sins to the priest, but there was always a sense of being unburdened, or a sense of freedom after openly confessing them. I remember one of my friends making the comment that he felt lighter afterwards, and I think that is the best way to describe it. It was easy for me to believe in God from an early age. My parents both believed in God and taught us Godly values, and I attended church which reaffirmed what they taught. I believed we had a beginning, and that God was the source of it.

Although I gained some knowledge about God, it wasn’t until certain events much later in life where I started to feel like I was developing a closer relationship with Him. I think acknowledging that I was a sinner, and whenever I had feelings of guilt somehow drew me closer to Him as well. My mom was always very good at making me feel guilty whenever I did something wrong. I recall a time being teased by my sister because of my speech. She was laughing and poking fun at the way I was saying the number three. I think it was close to my third birthday, and she kept asking me how old I would be just so she could laugh when I said I will be tree (instead of three). I guess it must have been the French in me. Having a temper, as I suppose any tree year old boy would have, I got very angry at the way she was teasing me so I picked up a dinky car and threw it at her.

This was back in the mid 70’s when dinky cars were made with solid metal instead of the mostly plastic cars of today. I believe I hit her square