I Know It’S Wrong but That’S How I Feel!

By Mark Down

Mark Down, despite having many blessings from Goda loving, Bible-believing wife, a healthy son, a house, three cars, and a boatstill had to deal with the battle between mind and heart.

Do you dread waking up in the morning?
Is your thought on life so dark that youre afraid or ashamed to admit it to anyone?
Do you daydream about ending your life on a daily basis?

If this sounds like you, come join Mark as he searches for truth, meaning, and purpose to life while dodging the traps and pitfalls set by his heart and Satan.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 5, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984510655

Mark Down

Mark Down was born and lived in Wisconsin all his life. He has been a born again Christian going on 36 years. He has a wife of 25 years they have a 20 years old son. Mark has been a sufferer of depression and suicidal thoughts on an almost daily basis for most of his adult life. His faith, his sense of humor and family has seen him through his darkest hours. His hobbies are wood carving, face painting, video games, watching football and fishing.

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Copyright © 2018 by Mark Down.

ISBN:                      Softcover                                978-1-9845-1064-8

                                eBook                                     978-1-9845-1065-5

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Rev. date: 07/06/2018

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Contents

Foreword

Chapter 1    Forewarning About Some of the Language and

                   Thoughts in This Book

Chapter 2    Why I’m Writing This Book

Chapter 3    My Self-Image or How I See Myself

Chapter 4    My View of Life

Chapter 5    My View Towards the Human Race

Chapter 6    My View of God

Chapter 7    Lacking Meaning and Purpose

Chapter 8    Seeking Help and Finding None

Chapter 9    Family

Chapter 10  Changing Seasons of Life

Chapter 11  My Emotions

Chapter 12  Summary

Foreword

First off I want to praise and thank God for loving me enough to send His one and only Son Jesus, to die for my sins, and also for blessing me with my wife and my son. For without them, there is a good chance I wouldn’t be alive to have written this book. On October 3, 1992 I made a promise before God, my family and friends. The fear of standing before God having broken that promise, had kept me from taking my life, though a day came when I simply no longer cared. Someone had to step in to stop me from harming myself. The hopelessness and despair overcame me.

While I’m going to try to compartmentalize my views, a lot of times it’s hard to keep from crossing over to other areas. Because so many of the different areas are intertwined, it’s hard while talking about one area, not to drift into another.

Chapter 1

Forewarning About Some of the

Language and Thoughts in This Book

While I confess to being a born again Christian, that does not mean I confess to being perfect. First of all if I was perfect I would not need saving. Second, if I was perfect I wouldn’t feel or think the thoughts that I do (some of which I will bring to light in this book).

Remember until we go home to be with God the Father and Jesus His one and only Son, or when Jesus comes back to claim His own, we are still saint and sinner at the same time because of our sin nature.

Chapter 2

Why I’m Writing This Book

Up until now there have been nine events in my life (the last two took place after I started this book) that if they had not gone the way they did, I wouldn’t be here to have written this book. I have often thought God must have something special planned for me and my life, to have bailed me out so many times. At this point I have no idea what that may be. Whether it has happened already or is yet to come I haven’t a clue. Three of the events happened when I was too young to know or remember them. I only know of them from my mom. The first event was surviving having been born a month and a half early at a time when prebies only lived 50% of the time.

The second event was when I was playing with a toothbrush while sitting on the window ledge of an open window in a second story apartment. If my mom had not come into the room when she did, I might have fallen to my death.

The third event was when my dad was in the police department. It was department policy that all officers kept their guns loaded at all times. Dad had his 38 special sitting on top of the refrigerator. My parents were sitting in the living room when they heard the gun go off. They rushed into the kitchen to find me sitting on top of the refrigerator after having just shot a hole in the wall. I was less than 3 years old at the time. To this very day no one knows how I got up there.

The fourth event happened when I was in junior high school. It took place in gym class. The gym