Pearls for His Girls: Raising Daughters of the King

By Janice Tittle Utterback

Pearls for His Girls is a book written to encourage mothers in every stage of their parenting journey and give them practical tips and commonsense ideas to use or tweak to fit their individual needs and those of their children. It is written for mothers of girls but will be an invaluable asset in raising boys as well, especially as it encourages all mothers to keep their eyes on Jesus and seek His wisdom. It is packed with ideas on specific topics and ages in an easy-to-use list format as well as the reasons behind the suggested actions. In a time when mothers need encouragement and parenting helps without judgment, this book provides a refreshing breath of inspiration and hope to repair troublesome parenting issues.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Feb 24, 2018
• ISBN: 9781973619857

Janice Tittle Utterback

Janice Utterback is a former missionary and teacher who raised four daughters that have become strong independent women and are servant leaders in their church and professions. Janice has a Master’s of Education Degree in Special Education and ESL. She has put into practical tips and encouragement things that helped her through each stage of parenting girls in this world today. She describes herself as an imperfect mother who needed much help in knowing how to raise her daughters and she wants to share that help with her own daughters and her readers.

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Copyright © 2018 Janice Tittle Utterback.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-1986-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-1987-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-1985-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018901843

WestBow Press rev. date: 05/11/2018

CONTENTS

Preface

Chapter 1 Starting Strong

Chapter 2 Discipline is a PICNIC

Chapter 3 Positive Self-Image is Critical

Chapter 4 Training Purity & Modesty

Chapter 5 Vaccinating against Bullying

Chapter 6 The Power of Words

Chapter 7 Trust Jesus in Raising Kids

Chapter 8 Finding Joy; Creating Memories; Individuals

Chapter 9 Think of Others / Battle Entitlement

Chapter 10 Self-Control / Low Drama

Chapter 11 Mother/Daughter Relationships

Chapter 12 The Value of a Mentor

Chapter 13 If I Could, You Can

Chapter 14 Tips about Education

Chapter 15 General Lists and Quick Tips

Appendices

Holidays

Grief

Dyslexia

Life Principles – Quick Illustrations

Tips for Dads

Afterword

Resource List

Contact Information

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DEDICATION PAGE

This book is dedicated to my husband, Bob, who’s unconditional love and respect gave me courage to write; and to my precious daughters, Vicki, Debbie, Becky and Jenny, all of whom I loved so much that I was compelled to seek God on parenting and who challenged me to find God’s individual parenting plan for each of them.

It is also dedicated to each of my grand babies, those that are already in my heart and life and those that I can’t wait to meet and love. It is my greatest hope that these words will help your mamas raise you to become the precious men and women of God that you are created to be. Remember that you (Tyrell, Jaxon, Baby Sam, Eliana, Levi, Aliyah, Natalie, and all those still to come) are deeply loved and have been created to Glorify His Name! All my love, Nana.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First and foremost, I must thank Jesus for this opportunity and for anything good that might have been a part of my life. I am so thankful for the family He gave me and the grace He gave me to raise them.

I would like to thank my dear friend, Beth Fortin, for sharing her ability to dream big with me and encouraging me every step of the way – and for being the friend I needed during this entire process.

I want to thank David Fortin for hearing God’s voice and launching my website even when I wasn’t sure I could write for it; and who spent many hours converting my drafts into website-worthy documents.

Lastly, I must thank my family who had patience and love enough to encourage and inspire me, and proof-read countless pages of rough drafts, and for being my biggest fans and greatest inspirations! Thank you Bob, Becky, Jenny and Vicki for all the tireless hours of editing and suggestions. Thank you Debbie for the exquisite illustrations you designed and created for Pearls for His Girls. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

PREFACE

This book has been a work in progress since the year 2000 when all four of my daughters had the same teacher for different classes. Every time he saw me, he asked if I had written my book yet on how to raise amazing kids.

Several years have passed since then, even a period of time that blessed us with four teenage girls at one time along with all the experiences and struggles that adolescent girls encounter. They vary from turning a learning disability into a strength, a tragic loss of best friends, challenging relationships, and so much more, and still the question kept coming, "Where’s the book?"

Well, here it is!

If you accept the fact that no book on parenting will fit everyone’s needs but may have some good ideas that can be tweaked and implemented in your home, then you may wish to read and apply any tips you think may help you. These ideas, along with much prayer, helped me during days of confusion as well as confidence. They won’t work for everyone all the time. Use what you can as you feel led by God in your parenting journey, and please remember not to use your children’s behavior as a critique for your parenting.

I have wrestled with the thought of creating this book or writing anything — except to my own daughters. The reason being that I learned many of these things because of trial and error that led me to pray — and then God guided. Those errors have been jumping out at me as I write about His solutions to my failed attempts.

However, in my favorite devotionals, I read often how He takes the broken and weak people and the failures of our lives and uses them to make something beautiful and good. He receives all the glory that way. So, I chose to brave the doubts that assail — knowing that He is in the battle and directing every step. May God’s strength and His plan to forge instruments that He can use in this fallen world, make an impact on those that will dare to fight battles through my feeble, yet eternity-backed, efforts.

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CHAPTER 1

STARTING STRONG

Beautiful Gems

Recently I was window-shopping at a jewelry store when I saw the most exquisite strand of pearls. The simplicity and value found in each perfectly formed pearl held me captive. As I stood at the jewelry case, I began to think of the pain that created each one. A cut in the soft tissue of the oyster, or even a tiny grain of irritant that attacked the mollusk inside the shell, begins a lengthy process to protect the life housed and protected by the mother-of-pearl shell. The result is a stunning, iridescent gem of great value. That is a simple allegory of the contents of this book.

Pearls of Wisdom

Welcome to this unique book of pearls. These are pearls of wisdom given to me while I was raising my four daughters—gifts from the Father as I pleaded with Him for answers on how to raise the four precious little girls that He had placed in my hands into four strong, independent women of God who would choose to walk in integrity, purity, and faith and withstand the attacks of worldliness and evil that surround them daily.

Much of the content in this book came from pain or irritants. Some of it was my pain, and some of it belonged to my precious girls, a pain we walked through together. And some of it was from little irritants that we wanted out of our lives. Whatever the causes, the contents are as valued to me as many pearls. I hope you will be blessed by this book, encouraged by it, and empowered by it. It’s a story of victory over pain, many small victories, and some huge victories. Oh, there are quite a few stories that may not have appeared to end in victory. In fact, they look very similar to defeat. But in the hands of the King of Kings, even what appears to end badly is actually just the beginning of another victory. He tells us that He grows us from glory to glory (1 Corinthians 3:18). But He doesn’t rush the process. Each pearl or character trait, whether large or small, is precious. The larger pearls take longer and require more patience to develop. At times, we want to give up, but, thank God, He never wants to give up. Ultimately we know from reading His Word that the final victory is assured through Jesus our Lord.

As pearl necklaces are not for every person’s taste, neither is this book for everyone. In fact, it may be for only a few. It is definitely not for the perfect mother, nor for the perfect daughter, nor for the perfect wife. But this book may be for you if you do not have all the answers to parenting dilemmas, if you are willing to learn from the mistakes of others and try ideas that have helped them, or if you just want to be encouraged as you do your best to raise kids that you know God has placed in your hands. Not all tips will work for any one child or any one mother; maybe a few will work for you exactly as written, and maybe a few will spark your creativity to come up with your own versions. If any of these results occur for you because of this book, then my efforts to put it in writing will have been worth the struggle.

A word of caution: If you have already raised your children and you are reading this book, please be aware it is not intended to make anyone feel bad. The ideas are not written to condemn anyone or to compare parenting styles. It is written merely to be a help to those in the midst of child-rearing who might need someone to throw them a small life jacket to get them through the situation they are in at the moment.

I have asked myself why I would take on such a task and invite criticism when it would be unnecessary. My answer is simple: How can I fail to share ideas that God gave me? They weren’t mine to begin with, and they are not mine to keep or hide away. He gave them to me to be used and then to be shared. My first goal was to write them for my daughters, and secondly, for anyone else who might want to use them.

Often throughout this book, I will refer back to what I learned from God, the Father, as He shows us how to parent. I want to be very clear here for any readers that were not raised in a Christian environment. First off, I am not speaking of us as His children in any form of deity children. Rather, throughout the Bible, God refers to Himself as a loving, good Father to the human beings He has created. He treats us as a father treats a child. He had one and only one Son, who is Jesus Christ, and He is the one and only perfect Son who never sinned. For the rest of us, we come from the line of Adam and Eve and have a sin nature, and we choose to sin—yet He loves us anyway. To those who believe, He tells us He gives us the power to become children of God (John 1:12). Not all of us are His children, but He loves each and every one of His human creations and is willing to give to each of us that power to become a child of the King of Kings.

Over thirty years ago, I committed to raise my four daughters for this King who gave them life and who placed them in my care. Like the princess said to Moses’s birth mother in Exodus 2:9, I felt like God gave me the same directive—take care of this child for me, and I will give you your reward. I took this job very seriously and considered it my occupation. At times, I stayed home and homeschooled my children, and at times I taught or volunteered in schools and at church. We can all feel judged whether we work or stay home. I have often wondered if that feeling of judgment came from others or was the spiritual enemy capitalizing on my insecurities. Maybe you feel the same way. I am not judging anyone here; I am simply stating that this was my job to raise my girls for God, like Moses was raised for the princess (Pharaoh’s daughter). I had questions: How on earth do I raise the King’s child—four of them? How do I raise them to follow His family business (spiritually speaking, of course)? How do I help them learn to love and trust and obey such a good Father? How do I conduct myself in this area of life, parenting, in such a way as to please the King who my soul loves so dearly? These were the questions on my heart and in my prayers.

In the following pages are some of the answers my Father gave to these questions; each one is a pearl of great price (Matthew 13:45–46). I searched hard to find them. I am delighted to share with you many of the practical tips (and the underlying principles of these tips) that a faithful God shared with me. He gave them from several different avenues. Some of the ideas came from research, some came from personal experience and observation, and some came straight out of the blue. I found that no matter the avenue, God used it for His glory. And as a God of redemption and second chances, He even used my mistakes. For I have found that whether we are blessed with poor or great parents, many times we reach adulthood without the necessary skills required for wise and intentional parenting. As I put down in words this gift for my daughters as they begin their own parenting adventures, may they see again and be even more convinced of the priceless treasures they are to their earthly parents—and, more importantly, to their heavenly Father. And may you, along with them, find in these pages some priceless pearls to help you along this road of raising daughters of the King, children who will bring Him honor.

Great Mothers

The first thought or gem I want to share with you is that any mother who belongs to the King of Kings has the ability to be a great mother. However, from years of observation, it seems to me that some of the nicest women have the most difficult children. Sometimes these sweet girls just don’t seem to be able to tell their children no in a firm enough way to help them behave. Perhaps the nicest moms have trouble sticking to the word no and drawing boundaries. Or occasionally, some sweet moms fear that if they get angry, that will hinder their relationship with God or their relationships with their children. What they don’t realize is that by not getting appropriately angry (with self-control, of course), this means that children lose the opportunity to learn from the consequences of their behavior or develop certain skills that will help them learn obedience to God. Thus, these children sometimes struggle to develop a relationship with God, and they can lose respect for their mothers. If they had the opportunity to learn that consequences do follow disobedience, it might help keep them out of deep trouble later.

If you are one of those sweet girls who is not high-maintenance or demanding, that sweet mom could be you. If many of your friends and family are high-maintenance, and they love your sweet personality because you don’t mind yielding to their wants and wishes, then you probably are one of those delightful girls who puts others before yourself. You are a joy to be around, and your family and friends are blessed and honored to have such a pleasant person in their lives. If you are not intentional in your parenting, you may continue to put everyone else, even your children, before yourself. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but that behavior can cause children to step right into the role of Number One – into the same role that the Sun plays to the Earth and the other planets. They will joyfully accept having everything and everyone revolve around their lives and their wishes. These children can become very unpleasant to be around to their parents, siblings, teachers and even grandparents. You will face a lifetime of heartache as you watch them live a lives of selfishness, and yours will be one of exhaustion as you try to meet their constant demands. Boundaries need to become some of your best tools in dealing with the above mentioned friends as well as with your children. Please hear my heart here: the sweet, compliant woman is not better nor worse than the strong-willed or high-maintenance woman. Both have great characteristics and traits, and both have pitfalls to avoid.

Hmmm … so does that mean that the sweet mother has to become a different person and become the demanding person that she has never wanted to be? Absolutely not! But, she will definitely have to help her precious children learn that they are not to be that person either. It is easy for her to yield to their wishes – she has done it for years with her friends and siblings because of her love for peace. She yields easily to those who cannot yield without conflict. Sometimes she chooses to help her child become compliant because she hates to stand up to a strong-willed child. Often, that very distaste for conflict causes her to give in and create a strong-willed child. However, it is possible for her to be her sweet self and successfully raise even strong-willed children into adults that will bring glory to God’s name with the help of the King of Kings. The One who created her has all that she needs. He is ready to supply that need as soon as she sets her heart to seek Him. (Phil.4:19)

So then, does that mean that a mother who is not the yielding, sweet mama will always have easy children? No, that is not the case either. Many a strong, powerful woman, who has needed that strength to succeed in certain areas of her life, when she becomes a mother, finds herself yielding to this new love of her life. Suddenly, she is willing to do whatever it takes to make that precious baby happy. And, suddenly, this strong, confident woman becomes mush before her child. Gradually, there develops a child that is strong-willed and unpleasant to be around, unless that mother finds her answers in God.

It’s fun to watch the comedies where an adorably selfish single woman finds herself the mother of someone else’s children. We laugh at her struggles to be responsible and put the children before her own wild and selfish needs. Then, we celebrate with the children and boyfriend when she succeeds. If you find yourself in similar shoes as the movie portrays, laugh at yourself and rejoice that the ending will be a happy one as you find the mature and less demanding side of yourself through parenting by God’s design.

Are we all doomed to raise demanding, self-loving children? Well, in a word, yes. When left to ourselves and when we try to parent on our own, we will most likely raise children that are selfish or have other issues. So where is our hope? It’s in prayer and trust in Christ. If we look to how the only perfect parent, our Heavenly Father, dealt with each of us and His human children throughout history and try to practice what He did, we have much hope to raise children who are respectful of themselves and others. Oh, they will not be perfect, but hopefully, they will be pleasant to be around and will bless your life and learn to live a fulfilling life following Jesus. But, it doesn’t happen accidentally. Mothers have to choose to work hard, and God must be very present and very real in our lives to make it happen. Ultimately, He is the only one who can draw our children to Himself and make them His redeemed children.

Remember again, that the behavior of our children is not a critique on our parenting. I have hated to think that my daughters might feel added pressure to fit perfect molds just because I am writing this book. As parents, we should expect to have areas and mistakes in our parenting that make us feel that we have failed in our parenting because we’ve had failures in every other area of life, at least I have. As our children, they need to be assured of our unconditional love when they also experience failures. But, we have faith in a Faithful God who will help us by turning our mistakes into His victories. God never failed or made mistakes as He worked with each of us and others. Yet, some of us made good choices, and some made bad choices. Some follow Him and some turn their backs. All of us are sinners and rebellious in some way or another. In spite of it all, even through His rebellious children that He raised perfectly, He brought about the Salvation of all Mankind. Even through these sinners, through their lives, He brought His only perfect Son, Jesus Christ, into this world. Through imperfect Adam and Eve and all those that came after them, down through the ages, He changed ashes into beauty; sin into righteousness. He can take our feeble attempts at parenting and turn them into something beautiful. In spite of ourselves, He can help our children find the God of Heaven and Earth.

Bottom line, we are NOT doomed to raise rotten children nor to live out the pattern of sin that we came into this world possessing. God changes our nature when we are born-again and continues to work in us as we walk through life and parent according to His guidance and His Word. Where we are weak, He adds strength; where we are too strong-willed, He adds the ability to yield and surrender to His Spirit. We will still fail and sin. We still will not look exactly like the believing parent next to us. The exciting thing is that God adds to what He created in us and them. We become even better as He grows and molds our lives. Of course, that cannot take place at all until we are born again and are made into His new creature. That is first and foremost, and therein lies our true hope.

So … focus on the most important thing in life: Teach them what a beautiful Savior Jesus is – not a religion, but rather, a beautiful, wonderful God. One day, they will learn of His justice and consequences for sin, but when they are very little, let your children know that Jesus is the most beautiful person that ever lived. Help them fall deeply in-love and trust in Him. Then, rather than focusing so much on good behavior (though that is important) since all their life they will sin, teach them to repent and be forgiven and to forgive.

It’s a War

With His help and His hand in our lives and families, He equips us to answer the next questions as well.

With so many varied attacks on women in this world, is there any hope for raising daughters to be strong, independent women? How can anyone be strong enough to walk through difficulties like miscarriages, broken marriages and crushed hearts? With feeling hearts, how can we raise little girls to be strong enough to face what we call catastrophes and still remain feeling and gentle themselves? Is it even possible? And what of us, Moms, who have to walk through those challenges ourselves, and then watch our daughters struggle in the same ways walking alongside them through the same heart-wrenching occurrences, experiencing them as if it was our own heart breaking? Is it possible? Yes, it is. His Word tells us that all things are possible with Jesus. (Phil.4:13) His Word that we can do this is all we need; He is all sufficient. This mother and many others can attest to the Truth of this Word from personal experience, but it is not easy. It is a war as Scripture tells us.

Here I’d like to share an attitude that may help you as you prepare for a battle in this war. It would be complicated enough to simply and sweetly raise our children – boy or girl; many or few – into healthy, godly adults. But we are not living in a vacuum. We are living in a beautiful world designed and created by God that fell into sin and is influenced greatly by an enemy of all things good and Godly. This is stated in scripture in many places; but it is lived out by Jesus as He was confronted and tempted by the devil and attacked by the religious people, judged by family and friends, given very poor advice, and ultimately crucified – Praise God He is the victor even in His going to the Cross and His resurrection. We are in a battle for our children: for their purity and their salvation and spiritual growth and development. We are given the opportunity to be strong women of faith. That only comes about by struggles and battles! We can never let down our guard against the enemy, and it is also our duty to do our part to prepare our children to face this world as much as possible.

Enemy Strategies

I’d like to share with you some insight into some strategies that we often have to fight against that impedes our success and growth. If we compare life to a race, the easiest way for us to be defeated is to keep us apathetic and indifferent so that we just don’t enter the race. We don’t even try. But, if that doesn’t work on us, and we get excited and determined to put our all into the race, the enemy may try this strategy against us. It is often undetected because it appears to be good. We get so excited and try to move forward so fast that we can’t get our feet under us. It is as if someone put their hands on the back of our shoulders and shoved us forward. The result is that we fall flat on our faces. Either way, the race for that moment is lost whether we don’t try or we try too hard, the outcome is the same – FOR THAT ONE MOMENT.

Thank God for that verse that says a righteous man may fall seven times but he gets back up. (Prov. 24:16-18)

To put this in specific examples that you can apply to other areas of battle … Physically: Either we don’t exercise, or we start with a goal that is impossible. We meet that exercise goal for a day or two and then give up. Spiritually: Either we don’t read and pray, or we get excited and decide to get up before the sunrise to pray and read many chapters of the Bible just to fall asleep and get discouraged and quit. After running numerous races in numerous areas in that fashion that end in a face-plant, we then fall into the less painful style of running that is characterized with never entering the race and nursing our wounds by living