I Heart Parenting: Getting the Hearts of Your Children Before They Break Yours

By H. Wallace Webster

If you have ever looked into the eyes of a parent who is heartbroken over a wayward child, then you have seen one of the worst types of pain imaginable. When the parent comes to that point, there is little you can do. As a pastor, I have seen that look in far too many parents' eyes. I have prayed with them, cried with them, and listened to them as they shared their pain.
This book is written to help keep parents from ever having to endure that pain. If you can capture the hearts of your children early, it can prevent them from breaking your heart later! That battle is worth waging, and it can be won! Learn how to win the hearts of your kids to the Lord so that He may use them for His glory . . . and your joy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Release date: Oct 18, 2012
• ISBN: 9781621899556

H. Wallace Webster

H. Wallace Webster (DMin, Trinity College and Seminary) has been a high school teacher, camp counselor youth leader, college and seminary professor, and pastor. He is presently senior pastor of Mt. Airy Bible Church. He is also the author of I Heart Parenting.

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I Heart Parenting

Getting the Hearts of Your Children Before They Break Yours

Dr. H. Wallace Webster

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I Heart Parenting

Getting the Hearts of Your Children Before They Break Yours

Copyright © 2012 Dr. H. Wallace Webster. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical publications or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Write: Permissions, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 199 W. 8th Ave., Suite 3, Eugene, OR 97401.

Resource Publications

An Imprint of Wipf and Stock Publishers

199 W. 8th Ave., Suite 3

Eugene, OR 97401

www.wipfandstock.com

ISBN 13: 978-1-62032-536-0

EISBN 13: 978-1-62189-955-6

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the King James Version of the Bible (KJV). Public Domain."

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from The New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from The Holy Bible: New International Version ®. NIV. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Foreword

Dedication and Acknowledgments

Chapter 1: Introduction to the Heart of Parenting

Part One: The Importance of the Heart

Chapter 2: Jesus Desires to Have Your Heart

Chapter 3: A Child with a Complete Heart

Chapter 4: Why is the Heart so Important?

Chapter 5: Heart Attacks

Chapter 6: What Kind of Parent Are You?

Part Two: The H-E-A-R-T of Parenting

Chapter 7: The H Challenge of the Heart—Heart

Chapter 8: The E Challenge of the Heart—Entrance

Chapter 9: The A Challenge of the Heart—Attitude

Chapter 10: The R Challenge of the Heart—Relationships

Chapter 11: The T Challenge of the Heart—Training

Chapter 12: From Information to Transformation

Part Three: Practical Application

Chapter 13: Some Important Must Do’s For the Heart

Chapter 14: FAQs About the Heart of Parenting

Chapter 15: Parenting from a Mom’s Perspective

Chapter 16: Help for the Hurting Parent

Chapter 17: A Word to the Children

Part Four: The Conclusion of It All

Chapter 18: Leaving a Legacy

Afterword

Bibliography

Foreword

It is probably best to begin by asking the question that will be on most people’s hearts as they pick up this book: what gives you the right to write a book on parenting? The answer just might surprise you.

Whenever anyone writes a book on any subject, they claim to be some kind of authority and to have a record to demonstrate that they know what they are talking about. Should Derek Jeter write a book on hitting a baseball, most would say he has the right to do so. Should Michael Jordan write a book on shooting a basketball, most would agree that he should have that privilege. Should Steven Spielberg write a book on directing a great movie, I would imagine that many would believe he is qualified. My story is different: I am not writing this book because my children have all turned out perfectly. My children have not turned out perfectly because they are not perfect, and they did not have a perfect example in me or their mother. So, then what gives me the right to author this book?

I am writing this book because after 25 years of parenting, I can truthfully say that I wished I had this book when I began the journey. There are things I did correctly as a parent simply by the grace of God, and I don’t believe that experience is the best teacher—unless it is someone else’s experience. If I told you that a certain gas station in town was watering down their gas, which would eventually destroy your vehicle, would you brush that off as nonsense and keep on using the gas from that station? Now, if the mechanic who examines your car comes to the same conclusion, would that make any difference? Basically, I am something of an authority on parenting due to the fact that I have learned so many great truths about parenting while making so many mistakes. My children have turned out to be wonderful young people for the cause of Christ, but that is not why I have the right to be the author of this book. I am here to extol the grace and mercy of God and to offer tips and thoughts that I have learned on this grace trip of our parenting experiences and those of others. You only get one life time to impact your children for the cause of the Kingdom, so let’s at least examine these ideas to determine their validity.

Congratulations on having the desire to seek deeper enjoyment of parenting! My prayer is that you will gather many nuggets from this parent that will enable you to be a far better parent that I ever was. In this book are some clear guidelines and principles that I believe have helped shape my children into God’s servants for His glory. I believe that these are timeless and will work for any family and any situation. But in the end, all glory goes to our Lord and Savior, for if God has used me in any way, it is truly about His grace and mercy. I often say that if I were in the Bible, I would be the lad who had the bag lunch that was offered to Jesus. My part may have been a little different, though: I would have swung the bag so often that the fish and chips would be gone. I would have brought simply an empty, battered, and torn bag to Jesus. Yes, God loves to use those kinds of people (1 Cor 2)! May He alone receive the glory.

Enjoy your journey as a parent, and I pray that when you’re finished with those years, you will heart parenting as much as we have!

Dedication and Acknowledgments

This book is dedicated to the women in my life who have greatly impacted me and helped make me the man I am today. I have been greatly blessed to have a godly heritage as the Timothy of the Bible. He had a godly grandmother and mother and so did I. I would like to dedicate this book to those who first made an impact on me regarding family. There was my grandmother, Irene, who was an amazing example of godliness and holiness. Her prayers still ring loudly in my ears. Then there is my mother, Nora, who is still alive and going strong at age 85. She is a rock solid example to me of what a mother ought to be. I will forever be grateful. Then I want to express my deepest respect to my wife, Vicky, who is truly behind every page of this book. I could not have written this book with these principles without an amazing wife along side of me. She modeled these truths that I write so freely about. I also want to acknowledge my dear Aunt Gert who is undoubtedly my biggest encourager of all time. Everyone ought to have an Aunt Gert that they can call for support 24/7. Lastly, I want to dedicate this book to my four beautiful daughters, Jessica, Jennifer, Kirsten, and Katelyn. I often pinch myself to make sure that I am not living a dream. These four beautiful and wonderful daughters have made it easy for me to be a parent.

I especially want to acknowledge my incredible editor, Heather Bronner. Words cannot express clearly enough my appreciation for all her hard work. Halfway through the project I asked her if maybe we should not be co-authors. She has left her fingerprints all throughout with careful and meticulous edits. Truthfully, much praise for her efforts is a small comment.

I want to send a special note of appreciation to my church family, who gave me the time to write this book. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Finally, I want to acknowledge my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He alone deserves all the glory because without Him, I can do nothing. He gave me the words, the idea, the time, and the strength. He is the reason for life and all that is part of life, including parenting. Without Jesus Christ, I have no meaning, purpose, or identity, and I would be living an aimless life. I look forward to seeing Him one day and casting this work at His feet.

1

Introduction to the Heart of Parenting

Statistics do not always give a perfect picture of a situation, but they certainly give enough trends so that we can draw conclusions from the details. One such area is the overwhelming information that is available concerning the problems teens face. A brief internet search is very revealing; I found 51 million links to begin my study! Of course, I did not examine every site, but I read enough of them to learn of the plethora of statistics on teen issues and concerns. Let me share some of the statistics from a number of sources that illustrate the fact that something is missing in the parent/child relationship. Many statistics have been published that show the dangers youth face today. Whether their exposure comes through the news, their friends, or just the grapevine, they learn things that their parents never even considered while they were in school.

Teenage Sexuality Statistics

• Every day, 8,000 teenagers in the United States become infected by a sexually transmitted disease. This year, nearly 3 million teens will become infected. Overall, roughly one-quarter of the nation’s sexually active teens have been infected by a sexually transmitted disease (STD).¹

• When compared to teens that are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly less likely to be happy and more likely to feel depressed. ²

• When compared to teens that are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly more likely to attempt suicide.³

• 25.3 percent of sexually active teens are depressed vs. 7.7 percent of teens who are not sexually active.⁴

• 14.3 percent of sexually active girls attempted suicide while 5.1 percent of teens who are not sexually active have attempted suicide.⁵

• A study reported in Pediatrics magazine found that sexually active boys aged 12 through 16 are four times more likely to smoke and six times more likely to use alcohol than are those who describe themselves as virgins. Among girls in this same age cohort, those who are sexually active are seven times more likely to smoke and 10 times more likely to use marijuana than are those who are virgins.⁶

• Currently 46.8 percent of all high school students report they have had sexual intercourse.⁷

• Nationwide, 6.2 percent of high school students had had sexual intercourse for the first time before age 13. Overall, the prevalence of having had sexual intercourse before age 13 was higher among male (8.8 percent) than female (3.7 percent) students.⁸

• Among the 33.9 percent of currently sexually active high school students nationwide, 23.3 percent had drunk alcohol or used drugs before their last sexual intercourse.⁹

• Youth exposed to sexual content on television were more likely to overestimate the frequency of sexual activity among peers and more likely to have more permissive attitudes toward premarital sex.¹⁰

Teenage Drug Statistics

• The Monitoring Future Survey in 2001 showed that 20 percent of eighth-graders have tried marijuana at least once, and by 10th grade, 20 percent are current users (that is, used within the past month). Among 12th-graders, nearly 50 percent have tried marijuana or hash at least once, and about 22 percent were current users.¹¹

• Drug use has gone down since 1990 but prescription drug use has skyrocketed among teens since then.¹²

• The risk of using cocaine is estimated to be more than 104 times greater for those who have tried marijuana than for those who have never tried it.¹³

Teenage Obesity and Eating Disorder Statistics

• Childhood obesity has increased in children ages 6–17 from six percent in 1980 to 18 percent in 2004.¹⁴

• Obesity is one of the leading causes of low self-esteem.¹⁵

• Obesity often is easily fixed by minor adjustments in a teen’s life.¹⁶

• Eating disorders (specifically anorexia and bulimia) in kids under the age of 12 rose 119 percent over the past nine years. Eating disorders on the whole rose 15 percent.¹⁷

These are just some of the concerns that we need to be cautioned about, and they should certainly cause parents some thought. Something is going wrong!

While I am not sure that the causes today are really any different than the causes of years gone by, the number of teens who are going astray truly seems to be a great proportion. Even one teen going the wrong direction is one too many, especially when it is your child. And this book is designed to offer some help and encouragement to parents in the process of training up children in the way that they should go. By the way, although these are some general statistics, unfortunately Christian homes face many of the same problems.

Scriptural Warnings

The Bible has much to say about parenting issues, and Scripture is actually rather precise about children going astray. It explains that this is a warning sign to our generation. One central passage is found in 2 Tim 3:1–5:

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. [emphasis mine]

Paul’s description of the last days could certainly describe today! Notice the many parallels:

1. Lovers of themselves—A quick perusal of any bookstore will reveal that one of the largest sections is on the subject of self. Self-help books are major sellers, and they are available in every conceivable subject. We are a society consumed with self!

2. Lovers of money—Everywhere one turns, the issue of money is forefront of the conversations. Even as this book goes to print we are engaged in a hotly debated political climate where, once again, many claim that the major issue in America is the economy. (I personally do not believe the economy is the major issue, but morality. Nevertheless, lovers of money prevail.)

3. Boastful—Everyone today claims to be number one about something. Even small children will run all over the field claiming to be number one after scoring a goal.

4. Proud—Pride has always been with us, but today humility seems very conspicuous by its absence.

5. Abusive—Hardly a day passes where some form of abuse is not highlighted, frequently in circles where you would least expect it.

6. Disobedient to parents—Now that seems an odd thing to include in such a list as we have in this passage! Paul suggests that we will know we are in the end times when children are basically disobedient to parents. Every generation has had disobedient children. Even in Old Testament Israel, laws were put in place to deal with disobedient children (Deut 21:18–21). So why would Paul put such a normal thing in this catalog of sins? I believe it is because there will be a generation known more for its disobedience than for its obedience. (I believe that is true of all of the items in this list. They may have always existed, but not in the magnitude of the end times.) Disobedient children truly are the norm for our day!

7. Ungrateful—Lack of gratitude is characteristic of this generation.

8. Unholy—With the evolution of the internet, children have access to web material that their parents would have had to search diligently for and obtain illicitly. Today, many bring it right into their homes with the touch of a finger! It depicts an unholy generation.

9. Without love—Need I say more?

10. Unforgiving—Asking forgiveness is becoming such an outdated concept that I would venture to say many can’t remember the last time someone did anything wrong and asked to be forgiven. Is our generation that good that we don’t need forgiveness?

11. Slanderers—Every day it seems like someone is being sued over slander, and often slandering the other guy in the process!

12. Without self control—Is this not part of our obesity problem?

13. Brutal—Just watch any of the movies around Halloween.

14. Not lovers of good—Where have all the morally good television shows gone?

15. Treacherous, rash, conceited—To be sly or snide, to act without thinking, saying, It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks so long as I am happy—not an unusual thing!

16. Lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God—People spent $10.22 billion on movies¹⁸ and $74 billion on games in 2011,¹⁹ while just $126 billion was given to religious charities.²⁰ So, if you add the amount spent on vacations, dining out, and other forms of recreation, Americans alone invest a far greater amount of money into personal pleasures than to God. And the number continues to grow in favor of lovers of pleasure.

The numbers indicate that we are living in a time when rebellion and behavior problems are on the rise. And the definition of insanity, of course, is to continue to do the same things over and over and expect different results. We have to do better and we have to do some things differently.

It’s Not all Bad News

I dare not leave this section under such a cloud of discouragement and doomsday thinking. Yes, we are in difficult times. Yes, things do not look good. Yes, in many areas, we are losing the battle, which means we are losing our kids. So, where would the good news come from? God. Keep the following firmly in mind:

Conception is the work of God. Man and woman may come together biologically and perform the necessary actions to put in motion the baby production process, but conception is, without question, the work of God. Scripture makes it clear in many places, but the best might be Psalm 139. Just a quick perusal of verses 13–17 will clearly portray the work of God in creating a child in the mother’s womb:

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them! (NKJV)

We also know that it is even possible for God to produce a person without a man or woman coming together. Scripture gives at least three lives to demonstrate this for us. One, God made Adam from the dust of the ground (Gen 2:7); two, He made Eve from Adam’s side (Gen 2:18–22); and three, He made the baby Jesus by the Holy Spirit (Matt 1:18). God makes babies, and we need to make sure we understand that from the beginning in our parenting. Therefore, he has a vested interest in every child, even if that child is not where they need to be spiritually!

Children are a gift from God (Psalm 127:3). Every child that has ever been conceived has been a personal gift from God to mankind. Often when the abortion issue is debated, the first line of argument is that the woman ought to have the right over her body. Unfortunately, it is not such a simple issue.

The first line of argument needs to be the right of God. He is carefully making this baby and ought to have the say in his or her future. Additionally, not only the couple, but an entire civilization can be impacted by one single life. Just think of all the differences that one person can make in a lifetime! Think of the gifts of Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King, and so many others. What if that generation and their parents had not seen the value of a child? Conception and children need to be seen in a larger context than simply the mother and father. Children are a gift from God to the world which they will enter, and every person who enters this world ought to make the world a better place because of their presence. Of course, not everyone will be a prodigy or a genius, but that does not take away from the potential God has put in motion. Parents get to help mold that child for the journey already set in motion for them by God. We don’t need to invent the path, just help our children understand their path and guide them accordingly. What an awesome privilege and responsibility!

God loves these children more than we do. On numerous occasions when God’s Son was on this earth, He picked up little children and held them in His arms (Mark 10:13–16). Scripture also says that God is the Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), and we are strongly encouraged to visit the orphan as a model of pure religion (James 1:27). Not a tear falls on a pillow at night that