Still Broken: A Memoir

By Leonora Diepenbeck

In April of 1989, author Leonora Diepenbeck was in her prime; she was living a normal and fulfilling life. But it all changed that day she was struck by a truck, leading to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and a multitude of adversities and losses in every aspect of her life.

In Still Broken, Diepenbeck shares how severe trauma, such as her accident, can have a negative impact on ones life and livelihood. As a result, depression is only one of the multitude of manifestations of physical and mental suffering. Using her personal experiences as a backdrop, she addresses the consequences of PTSD and some of the bizarre symptoms and afflictions associated with it.

In this memoir, Diepenbeck tells how she persevered with minimal rehabilitation or compensation for her losses and how she sought justice for her trials. Advocating an all-encompassing health plan, which includes guidance and counseling, she discusses how she has endured the lasting effects of PTSD.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jan 8, 2018
• ISBN: 9781532030789

Leonora Diepenbeck

Leonora (also known as Leona) was born in the country near Andrew, Alberta, Canada. Times were difficult....so at the age of 16 she relocated to Edmonton, Alberta, where she furthered her education at Alberta and McTavish Colleges. She was employed as a medical dicta-transcriptionist, primarily within the medical milieu with and for some of the best, in spite of her profound hearing loss. In the prime of her life, this all ended abruptly, when she was struck down by a transport vehicle and became a victim of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In addition to her failing health issues, physically and psychologically, this put an end to her working career, followed by the loss of a beautiful country estate, and ultimatelyher marriage. The effects of the accident and losses prevailed, but she didnt give-up. Being a lover of nature, she enrolled in an Art Class, creating almost 100 oil and watercolor scenic paintings in ala prima technique......with perseverance and some highly qualified instruction. Although she struggled with frequent spasmodic attacks, these were subdued while she was distracted by and engrossed in her Art Work.....It was a form of therapy for her and helped her heal from trauma, a little. Leona became an enthusiastic artist, and has previously been a member of the Art Society of Strathcona County and subsequently the Art Gallery of Alberta, where she has shown some of her work. Due to a mobility problem requiring the use of a wheel chair at most times, she has been able to exhibit her work only minimally. Leonora finds solace being in the countryclose to nature also being an ardent spectator of Art, in any medium or format, by some talented artists. She revels in the literacy of good literature, and is enraptured by some of the outstanding musical compositions, when she doesnt have an auditory malfunction. She finds great comfort in some endearing comradeships, especially that of her grandsons, Walker and Carson, fortified by the embellishing love of her family. Leona and her husband, Ernie, who was deceased in 2013, have three children: Sherry, Carey and Cory. Leona lives in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

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Copyright © 2018 Leonora Diepenbeck.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

iUniverse

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-3077-2 (sc)

          978-1-5320-3076-5 (hc)

          978-1-5320-3078-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017913027

iUniverse rev. date: 01/08/2018

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part 1

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Part 2

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Epilogue

Letters to My Children

About the Author

My Battle With Post

Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

Resulting in Physical, Psychological,

Spiritual and Financial

Afflictions

Sherry, Carey and Cory

I Love Being your Mom

To Sherry, for your caring, proficiency, grace and your zest for peacefulness.

To Carey, for your caring, unrelenting aptitude and your perseverance in some challenging times.

To Cory, for your caring, unique intelligence and for your nurturing nature.

Acknowledgments

My sincere gratitude is extended to my children and their supportive partners: Sherry and Stuart, Carey and Tina, Cory and Kelly. Thank you for your caring, support and for persevering with me through some arduous times. I regret your own losses and appreciate the sacrifices made.

Thank you to Carey for your assistance with electronics and to July O’Regan and Casey Martin for your assistance with photo images.

I extend a special tribute to my grandsons, Walker and Carson, for often engaging me in some spontaneous dialogue, for your interest in, and especially for cheering me on with my project.

Although not directly related to the writing of my memoir, I extend accolades to and acknowledge the following:

My appreciation to all who have responded and helped me with my afflictions, medically and otherwise––I am grateful for your professionalism and hard work amidst some difficult encounters.

To the numerous support groups, I extend my gratitude to the efficient staff and interesting participants. The transport services of Disabled Adult Transit Service (DATS) and the Society of Seniors Caring about Seniors (SSCAS) are highly commendable and appreciated. For life enrichment, the START program at Glenrose, the Southside Seniors Program, Art instruction classes, are all exemplary––Thank you for your goodness and inspiration.

To my co-residents where I reside and numerous others, inclusive of many strangers, for assisting me when ambulating is difficult, my heart-felt thank you.

I also extend appreciation to all who have accepted me as I am with all my shortcomings––by socially filling some voids in my life. When my ability to paint diminished, I needed to do more than just write. In addition to time spent with my family I am thankful for being taken to a dance venue occasionally, for some light-hearted conversations with Paddy, for the comradeship with the players and mutual spectators at the sports centers and the birthday celebrations with my friends Victoria, Georgina, Theresa and Lu, are most enjoyable. To my long-time friend Jim, for being so supportive and understanding of my dilemma, for being there through it all, I am most appreciative. You have all helped fill some of that void and you are all special.

Finally, I am prayerfully thankful for my own fortitude and ability to rise above the adversities that frequent me, still. Nonetheless, I look forward to the future positively––and with enthusiasm.

Introduction

This is a most revealing memoir. You will learn to understand some of PTSD’s bizarre symptoms as they are for me. Still Broken withholds nothing. My life situation is rather unique and I am anxious to portray to you what I know about PTSD.

I was living a fulfilling and rewarding lifestyle when everything changed in a flash when I was struck down by a half-ton truck. I cringed in shock as I didn’t know what had happened.

I spent many years living with severe pain, anxiety and loneliness. At times I felt no one cared.

Physical and mental breakdowns caused me to lose my working career within the medical milieu which was so important to me. This was followed by the loss of my husband’s and my beautiful country estate and ultimately a total marriage breakdown.

All my set-backs came on gradually from flashbacks related to the accident, usually from hearing sirens, seeing ambulances, or seeing grills of trucks, witnessing negative advertisements, to name a few. I would lurch, fall, walk backwards or sideways, even being required to crawl when I couldn’t walk. Seeking justice also failed so that I slowly and sadly began to accept my losses. Every day thereafter presented new and painful challenges. I felt worthless and didn’t think I could survive, but I never gave up.

One day, when walking through the woods in our beautiful country estate, when I was able to, I was mesmerized by the explicit beauty of nature. As I was so replenished by nature and had a keen interest in Art, I enrolled in an Art Class. It motivated me and I painted zealously, mostly nature scenes. It helped me heal from trauma, a little, and I didn’t have flashbacks when I painted. I created numerous paintings, inclusive of my two versions of the Tree of Life.

Also on the advisement by some of the best of professionals, I was encouraged to write, which I did. At that time I never realized I would one day be writing my memoir.

At present my PTSD is coupled with a profound hearing loss where at times I cannot hear at all. As well, I still often have set-backs where I cannot walk. I do however still strive to be as independent and functional as possible although at times it is extremely difficult–– but I persevere! I feel one must never give up living to one’s fullest potential in spite of acquired handicaps or setbacks.

Because of my advanced age and some acquired health issues I do feel that my productive days are waning rapidly, thus I am impelled to tell my story now. If I can help someone understand some of the uniqueness and encumbrances associated with PTSD, as they are for me, it may encourage others to cite their own stories which I would be delighted to read.

PTSD is difficult to diagnose and to treat but it is more prevalent than one can imagine. Many are unknowingly afflicted by it, especially those who have experienced traumatic life threatening experiences, and victims of war crimes, like the military, and others. Yet, it is so widely misunderstood by many and not too often written about. It is imperative to seek help for this affliction at its earliest onset.

I have recently been discharged from the Villa Caritas Hospital, where I’ve been a patient for five and a half months. I have been struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), agoraphobia, and depression as a result—almost entirely—of a motor vehicle accident. As a consequence of this accident, I sustained significant injuries physically, mentally, and psychologically. I was in perfect health prior to the accident.

Although it is lengthy, I will earnestly tell you my story.

Part 1

Chapter 1

On April 27, 1989, I was walking toward Woodward’s department store in West Edmonton Mall. I looked in both directions as I was approaching the roadway, and then I realized I had forgotten in my vehicle the item I’d been planning to exchange at the store. I returned to my vehicle and retrieved the package, and as I approached the store, I felt a strong force go through me; it felt like a building had hit me.

I found myself lying on the ground with a very frightened man holding my hand, apologizing. I asked where I was and what had happened. He said, You have been hit by a truck, and I am the person that hit you.

I turned and saw the grill of his truck and smelled either gasoline or alcohol. According to a witness, I was thrown onto the hood of his vehicle and then onto the ground. There was a great commotion, including an airplane flying overhead and an ambulance siren.

All these noises are triggers for me now, along with West Edmonton Mall signs, some lawyers’ advertisements, grills of trucks, and pictures of trucks in newspapers—in particular their grills.

My life flashed before me, and I thought I wouldn’t be seeing my family again. Because of the force with which I had been struck, I thought I would die of internal injuries. My daughter was in England at the time, and my older son was living in British Columbia. Only my younger son was living at home, and my husband was at work.

I was driven by ambulance to the nearby hospital. There was a great deal of commotion—people standing around, someone taking my pulse, an airplane flying overhead, ambulance sirens, as I have previously mentioned.

When I was examined at the hospital, my injuries didn’t appear to be serious. There were no broken bones, and the doctor who treated me said I had a soft-tissue injury. I was given a tetanus shot and some analgesics. When I got off the examining table, I had difficulty walking, as my legs, knee, and hip were injured, so a nurse brought a wheelchair. When I arrived at home, I experienced neck pain, headaches, and spasms all over my body—and fear. I took a multitude of analgesics.

This is what transpired after the accident: I was struggling with my health, and I struggled financially later because I lost my job. According to the doctor’s diagnosis, I had sustained a brain injury. I developed PTSD, agoraphobia, conversion reaction, ataxia, panic attacks with fear (particularly fear of being alone), nightmares, unrelenting pain and spasms throughout my body, along with bowel and bladder incontinence, infections, insomnia, and tinnitus that almost drove me out of my mind—and did a little. I also had jaw pain when a tooth broke off after the accident, and I developed trigeminal neuralgia.

I had nine or ten hospital admissions related to the above diagnoses, numerous medical appointments, and a multitude of prescribed medications, which no doctor was monitoring at the time. I had an imbalance and mobility problem and required the use of a wheelchair.

Flashbacks of that accident caused me to fall and lurch, and I was often unable to walk at all. I ended up crawling. This still happens now. With these flashbacks, I require the use of a wheelchair, or I need to hang onto furniture to walk, or I crawl. When I’m lucky, I have assistance, but very often I’m on my own.

This accident caused many losses for me, as well as for my family. It ended my working career. Six weeks after the accident, the office manager dismissed me from my job as a medical dicta-transcriptionist. As she worked off-site, she was often unaware of the functions of the office staff. I tried but was unable to perform the functions required because of physical and mental trauma. I took an enormous amount of analgesics, and on my lunch breaks, I rested in my car or on the examining table in the surgical office where I worked.

I was devastated about losing my job. In retrospect, I couldn’t and shouldn’t have been working. But I didn’t think I should be faulted for trying, as I had a strong work ethic and was trying my best. We were badly in need of this second income, and I wanted to work. If I could have, I would have.

I received one month’s severance pay and three weeks paid vacation. I felt I was performing my duties as