Fables, Memories, Adult Jokes

By Rosaria Wills

To you that cry for your dead.

If you love me, do not cry! If you know the immense secret of the sky where now I live, if you could see and hear what I hear and see in these horizons without end and in this light that goes through you, you would not cry if you love me.
Now I am absorbed i
n the enchantment of God, in his whole beauty. Things from the past are so small, and worth nothing comparing to this. I only have my love for you, a tenderness that I have never known before. We have loved each other and known each other, but at that time, it was limited and fast. I live in a serene and happy world, waiting for you to come within us in your internal battle. Think of this as a beautiful house, where there is no death and were we can be together in the purest and intense love, to the fountain of joy and love that will never end.

Don't cry if you really love me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 27, 2017
• ISBN: 9781546213659

Rosaria Wills

Rosaria Wills was born and raised in Naples, Italy. She met her husband, Dave, while he was serving in the air force. They moved to Florida, and she graduated from Rollins College. She spent six years with her husband in Germany, teaching for the department of defense. She is still currently teaching prealgebra in Longwood, Florida.

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© 2017 Rosaria Wills. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 11/22/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5462-1366-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-1364-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-1365-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017916796

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

I Can

Preface

Chapter 1     200 Jokes

Chapter 2     Memories

Chapter 3     The Soldier and the Czar

Chapter 4     The Eight Golden Turtles

Chapter 5     The Little Frog

Chapter 6     Bella and the Monster

Chapter 7     Additional Jokes (201-250)

Chapter 8     The Black Bull From Dublin

Chapter 9     The Wild Ducks

Chapter 10   Cat’s Skin

Chapter 11   The White Duck

I CAN

Who said I can? What if I would?

The trick is believing and knowing I could!

If I just learn to value my time

Today for tomorrow, my future is mine!

For if I try, I’ll make it through,

There’s so much in life that I want to do.

If I take pride, if I take charge,

To educate myself, I won’t accept no,

I believe in me.

My actions all count towards what I strive to be,

I must look back for so many have lost.

I can’t lose track; my life is the cost.

Education is my key to success.

No one else can do what I do best.

From this day forth, I will do my best!

Who says I can’t? I say I CAN!

For I believe and know it’s true

I believe in me! Now believe in you!

(Unknown)

PREFACE

To you that cry for your dead

If you love me do not cry! If you know the immense secret of the sky where now I live, if you could see and hear what I hear and see in these horizons without end and in this light that goes through you, you would not cry if you love me.

Now I am absorbed in the enchantment of God, in his whole beauty. Things from the past are so small, and worth nothing comparing to this. I only have my love for you, a tenderness that I have never known before. We have loved each other and known each other, but at that time it was limited and fast. I live in a serene and happy world waiting for you coming within us, in your internal battle think of this as a beautiful house, where there is no death, and were we can be together, in the purest and intense love, to the fountain of joy and love that will never end.

Don’t cry if you really love me.

CHAPTER 1

200 Jokes

(By David Womack Wills)

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1. During a confession, Father, I’m a good Christian, I don’t drink, don’t fool around with other women, go to bed early every night. Good, son, but all of this may change when you leave. The prison priest answered.

2. There was a young man in his mid-twenties who had been married for six years when he moved into a new neighborhood. His new home needed quite a bit of work, mostly on the outside. He spent hours putting in flowers, edging, and trying to make the grass grow evenly. The work was hard, but there was a bright side. He quickly discovered that across the street there was a very attractive young woman who was also busy trying to make her house look better. He waited for the opportunity to speak to her, and finally the chance appeared. The lady had been cutting her grass and the lawn mower stalled. She pulled and pulled on the rope, but it would not go. Naturally, he offered his help and sure enough, he got it running. Thereafter, he started the machine when necessary, and even began to do other little things around her house when needed. His wife began to see less and less of him, and he spent most weekends helping the young widow get things done that her husband would have taken care of for her. One Saturday afternoon the husband was over helping the widow fix a sticking bedroom door when his wife wanted him to carry in some groceries from the car. After looking around for her man and discovering that he was nowhere to be seen, his wife became a bit irritated. She went to the telephone and dialed the young widow’s number. The widow answered, Hello, Helen Smith speaking. This is Mrs. Bingham, your neighbor in the white house across the street. Is my husband over there? Why, yes, he is, would you like to speak to him? No, just tell him to get his ass across the street, right now. The widow answered, Why that is just what he’s doing!

3. In a bar, a man is drinking one whisky after another. A woman says: Stop, Sir every year alcohol kills 20,000 Italians. That’s okay, I am Swiss..

4. High up on a hillside a young bull and an old bull, which was his father, were in a pasture together. Every day the old bull was steadily eating grass while the young bull spent all day running around the pasture and looking over the fence at a group of cows down the hill in another pasture. Finally, the young bull could stand it no longer. He ran over to where the old bull was grazing and said, Hey, Dad, let’s jump that fence, run down the hill and mount one of those cows in that other pasture!

No, son, the old bull answered. Let’s go through the gate, walk down the hill, and mount all those cows.

5. There once was a man who went into a New York booking office. When he got in to see the agent he was asked what kind of act he had. He replied, I have a talking dog!

Oh. Yeah, the booking agent said, I have heard this before. Let’s hear him say something.

Okay, answered the man, as the dog jumped up on his lap. Rocco, said the man, When I hit the golf ball, where does it usually go?

Rough, said Rosco. The man said, When Santa Claus comes at Christmas time, where does he park his sleigh?

Rosco answered, Roof.

The booking agent sat up and said, Ask him just one more question, buddy.

Okay, Rosco, who was the greatest baseball player of all times?

Rosco stuck out his tongue and said, Ruth.

The next instant both man and dog hit the wall in the entrance hall. The man looked at Rosco and Rosco said, Maybe, I should have said Gehrig?

6. As a well-dressed tourist and his wife were walking down to 44th street in New York City, they were startled by a shabbily dressed man who leaped out of an alley with a large pistol in his hand. Aiming his revolver at the man’s chest, he mumbled, Your life, your wife, or your billfold. After only a brief moment, the victim answered. Take her.

7. Do you know why Dolly Parton has such small feet? Nothing much grows in the shade.

8. A lady came into a dentist’s office in a small mountain town. She seemed very nervous, even frightened. As the dentist showed her to the chair she said, I would almost as soon have a baby as to have a tooth pulled.

Make up your mind, lady the dentist said, so I can adjust the chair.

9. A man and his wife were very much in love and demonstrated it physically several times a day, especially on weekends. This went on for a year, until the man began to have headaches and see spots in front of his eyes. He went to a doctor who told him that he could never make love again or he would die.

The man and his wife discussed this and decided that the solution was to remove the temptation. Since they had a two-story house, they made a decision that he would stay on the ground floor. They moved to their living quarters and did not see each other for two weeks. But finally he decided that he could not live without his wife’s love. He dressed in his best suit and started down the steps. Half way down he met his wife, who was dressed in her new party outfit. What are you doing? she asked.

I was coming downstairs to commit suicide, he said.

Where are you going?

Smiling, she replied, I was going upstairs to kill you.

10. Charlie and his friend Bill were sitting on the patio when Charlie’s wife came out. Charlie, she said, you promised to pull out the weeds in the back yard this week. You act like you think you are the King of France. You never do anything but lay around and drink beer. You must come from a long line of do nothing people. Were your father and mother as lazy as you are?

Charlie looked up at her and slowly came to his feet. I’ll have you know that my mother and father were not lazy at all. They worked hard all their lives and made a lot of money doing it. There were in the iron and steel business and before I was married, I did not have to do any work around the house. I am just getting used to it now. No one in my family had to do manual labor for generations. I hope that satisfies you.

Well, you still act like a butthead, sometimes. She said as she picked up the garbage can to carry it out to the curb.

I didn’t know you parents were rich, Charlie, said Billy. You are really not lying to her, are you?

Not exactly, said Charlie, they really are in the Iron and Steel business. My mother irons all day and my father steals all night.

11. A man at his office was complaining about his wife. He said loudly to his coworkers, My wife wants a new watch, and she refuses to do the housework. I don’t know what to do with her,

Why don’t you give her a good Gruen,? his secretary asked.

I did, he answered, but she still wants a watch.

12. A man took his girlfriend to see her first baseball game. She had no idea of what was going on but she liked the cheering and the excitement when three home team batters got on base early in the third inning.

When the PA system announced the next batter would be Willie Mays, everyone stood and cheered. Why is everyone yelling, the girl asked.

This is Willie Mays, he explained. He is a very special and famous player. The young man explained.

At this, the girl jumped up, started waving her arms and shouting, Walk proudly, Willie!

13. A man enters a restaurant and asks the waitress, I would like some eggs.

How do you want them?

What do you mean?

You don’t understand. I mean how do you like them cooked? The waitress was getting a little irritated by this time.

Cooked?’ he said, Hell, I like them cooked best of all."

14. Mrs. Batson had an important bridge party going on and the 19 other ladies attending made up the elite of the high society in the city. The party was progressing very well when her nine-year-old son came into the room. Johnny stood politely at the door as he had been taught to do, until his mother recognized him, Yes, John, she said, Was there something that you wanted to tell?

Yes, ma’am, I was listening to the radio in my room and the announcer broke in with a special bulletin about the troops in Bosnia, Johnny said excitedly.

What did the bulletin say, John? Please tell us. Every lady in the room stopped playing cards and looked at Johnny. Johnny was glowing as the unexpected center of attention, so he blurted out his news slowly. "The radio announcer said that the United States Government is sending a ship load of whores to Bosnia for the GI’s there and NATO is going to pay half of the